Wedding RSVP's with added guests

[Scurvy]

Wow, OP - maybe I'm just cynical, but that comment about "freeing up space" seems really passive-aggressive to me. Your response to that was perfect!

It seems to me like a lot of these awkward situtations could be avoided if guests (and in some cases brides--not in your case, OP) took some time to educate themselves on the rules of etiquette.

Absolutely! The OP is handling all of this really well, but some of her guests certainly aren't. I hope they just don't realize how rude they are being.

 

[sbell111]

I do know a lot of people who think their children are the "special snowflakes" of the world, so you may be right!

I don't have kids either, so as long as someone else's don't trip me or otherwise ruin my time, I don't care whether they are there or not.

Honestly, I think that you are misunderstanding these people's position.

As I understand it, most do not feel that their child is so special that he/she should be invited when others are not. Rather, they believe that children should be invited to these events.

It is not a 'Special Snowflake' issue.

Honestly, I think that many people use the 'special snowflake' argument as a way to snarkily be against any decisions that other parents make that they disapprove of, but that's fodder for a different thread.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

when my FI and I get married in a few years, we are not even allowing ANY non married/non living together couples to bring dates. We can't afford it. If people show up who were not invited, they will be turned away. And yes, I am a stickler for this. Or they can be charged for their meal.

We personally don't even want a wedding and are only doing it for FI's mother. So we're keeping it as cheap as humanly possible because we just don't care about having a party.

 

[Pigeon]

Honestly, I think that you are misunderstanding these people's position.

As I understand it, most do not feel that their child is so special that he/she should be invited when others are not. Rather, they believe that children should be invited to these events.

It is not a 'Special Snowflake' issue.

Honestly, I think that many people use the 'special snowflake' argument as a way to snarkily be against any decisions that other parents make that they disapprove of, but that's fodder for a different thread.

Agreed.

For me, it's not that I think my kids should be invited and everyone else's should not. It's that given a choice between spending an afternoon or an evening with my family or leaving them to go to a wedding, the kids win hands down. I don't have a problem with the bride and groom inviting or not inviting who they want to. Guests don't get to make the decision of who is invited.

But guests do get to make the decision to deline or to attend. If my kids aren't invited, I'll send a gift and wish the couple well, but I'm not going. Likewise, if I were single and wasn't invited to bring a guest, I'd decline the invitation.

 

[VAN]

I am loving this discussion.

I agree that it is inappropriate to "add" people to your RSVP that weren't invited. If you have a special circumstance for wanting others to join you, then you need to check with the bride. Otherwise, politely decline.

Personally, I like children and think they add a lot to the festivities EXCEPT when the parents of said children do not PARENT their children. Then it can be a nightmare. I can totally understand why people don't want children at their wedding.

Whenever I get an invitation, I carefully read the envelope to see who was invited ... Mr & Mrs XXX, Mr & Mrs XXX & DS, DD, etc. If it was for the entire family and my children wanted to bring their SO, I would definitely check first!!!

Hopefully, the people invited know the bridal couple and/or their parents well enough to call them to politely ask; however, if this feels awkward, then I have to question why you were invited in the first place!!!

Also agree that unmarried people invited to the wedding should have "and Guest" added to their invitation.

Hot topic - loving the discussion!

 

[MaumeeMom]

PARTIAL
Do some people seriously just stay home if they can't find a date or their spouse can't make it?

It really depends on the occasion. A work party where I know everyone and there are other singles there, no problem, I'd go alone.

Travelling to a wedding out of town where I only know a few people, I would turn the invite down if I couldn't bring a guest. I'm not just talking date or spouse but, if it were my party, I wouldn't be offended if someone wanted to bring a friend.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It truly amazes me how some folks just take it upon themselves to decide who you invite to the wedding you're hosting.

According to the rules of etiquette, the only people invited to a wedding are those listed on the invitation. If your invitation's inner envelope doesn't say "and Guest," then you aren't supposed to invite a guest.

While it is not acceptable to invite only half of a married or engaged couple (or long term co-habitating couple), it is perfectly acceptable not to invite guests for single people. It is also acceptable not to invite children.

It seems to me like a lot of these awkward situtations could be avoided if guests (and in some cases brides--not in your case, OP) took some time to educate themselves on the rules of etiquette.

The problem is that these rules are terribly outdated. When these rules were conceived, women were never w/out an escort, young ladies did not go out of the house alone.

I love how people pick and choose which rules of etiquette to follow. For those who quote the "don't have to invite guests" rule, did you follow every rule to the letter? Probably not. There are rules regarding wording of the invitations, cutting of the cake, etc., etc.

Just because you don't "have" to invite a single with an "& guest" doesn't mean that its not the right thing to do. I gladly encouraged singles to bring guests to our wedding and it turned out great. Yes, there were some people that I didn't know but we had one heck of a party. Some people did come alone but that was their choice, not one I forced on them because I had trouble controlling my budget or guest list.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I got an email from the latest guest adder. She advised me that she had an update about her attendance at the wedding and reception. she said that a work function is now scheduled for that day, which will make it impossible to attend. She also added that she hoped that freed up space since the reception venue had limited the number of guests we could accomodate. I wrote her back and thanked her for letting me know she wouldnt be attending, but added that we had more than enough room to accomdoate invited guests and we would miss her.

Wow, these guests are putting you through the wringer aren't they? I think you handled that very gracefully.

For those that have you have not received cards for I would call them (or if you prefer have someone else call them). If you get a voice mail leave a message saying that you didn't receive their card, you're sure it must have gotten lost in the mail, but that that will not be able to get through the guard at the gated community unless they're on the final confirmed list so please do call as soon as possible and let us know if you're coming or not.

If they don't call, screw 'em. They deserve to be locked out if they were that rude to not send the reply nor call you back. But I'm guessing that will get alot of people on the ball and they'll call you right away.

For the record (not directed at op), I think that it's important to be a good host AND a good guest. Good host means you consider your guests when choosing whom to invite to a wedding. If you have 20 single friends who all hang out on Saturday nights and all know each other and no one is dating anyone...I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting just them. A favorite college friend who is traveling 6 hours by car and won't know anyone but you is being invited? Invite her +1 so that if she choose she can bring another friend, a date, her sister or mom to the wedding to keep her company for the ride and at the hotel. And as far as children go; the host gets to decide if it's a child event, if it's not an the invited guest has children they get to decide if they want to attend or not. But I don't think that either party should be upset about that. But it is good manners if you're inviting a family member with a brand new baby or young kids from out of town to call them and say 'I know that we can't accomodate the kids at the reception but I have several options for sitters that I know and personally trust if that will help you out to be able to attend. We'd love to have you but we also know that it just might not be possible. Let us know what else we might be able to do to help.'.

 

[onelilspark]

I've read page 1 and this page, not the pages in between, but just wanted to add some personal experiences to this...

My boyfriend's friend was getting married. He got the invite and went to send it back indicating that both of us would be attending. I happened to take a look at the invite and said to him, "are you sure we're both invited, and not just you?" And he says, "of course, why wouldn't you be invited to?" Since I'm a little more well versed in Wedding Etiquette than he is, I had him call the Bride (his friend) to check. She said that indeed we were both invited, she just wasn't overly concerned with all the etiquette rules when she wrote the invites. So...two lessons here: 1) People who add extra guests aren't necessarily being impolite or rude, they just might not have looked at the invite closely or are just making assumptions and being clueless boys... and 2) Sometimes even the Brides aren't up on the etiquette rules. When in doubt, call and ask. Not everyone is malicious.

To the OP: if people have responded and added people, I wouldn't bother with e-mail, I would simply pick up the phone and call.

 

[mjkacmom]

Agreed.

For me, it's not that I think my kids should be invited and everyone else's should not. It's that given a choice between spending an afternoon or an evening with my family or leaving them to go to a wedding, the kids win hands down. I don't have a problem with the bride and groom inviting or not inviting who they want to. Guests don't get to make the decision of who is invited.

But guests do get to make the decision to deline or to attend. If my kids aren't invited, I'll send a gift and wish the couple well, but I'm not going. Likewise, if I were single and wasn't invited to bring a guest, I'd decline the invitation.

Just curious - do you accept invitations to adult parties? Workplace parties? Out to dinner with friends? I spend a lot of my time with my kids, but enjoy a night out with adults every now and then. On Friday nights, I typically go out and play bunco - it's fun!

 

[disykat]

I got an email from the latest guest adder. She advised me that she had an update about her attendance at the wedding and reception. she said that a work function is now scheduled for that day, which will make it impossible to attend. She also added that she hoped that freed up space since the reception venue had limited the number of guests we could accomodate. I wrote her back and thanked her for letting me know she wouldnt be attending, but added that we had more than enough room to accomdoate invited guests and we would miss her.

Wow - she's a piece of work!

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Agreed.

For me, it's not that I think my kids should be invited and everyone else's should not. It's that given a choice between spending an afternoon or an evening with my family or leaving them to go to a wedding, the kids win hands down. I don't have a problem with the bride and groom inviting or not inviting who they want to. Guests don't get to make the decision of who is invited.

But guests do get to make the decision to deline or to attend. If my kids aren't invited, I'll send a gift and wish the couple well, but I'm not going. Likewise, if I were single and wasn't invited to bring a guest, I'd decline the invitation.

Wow. So you'd rather spend a day with your immediate family that you see every single day than be present at a once in a lifetime event for another family member or close friend? That floors me.

I'll be honest -- I can not stand children. I left a wedding early last month because FI and I could not take the bratty kids running around, screaming into the dj's mic, throwing things, crawling under tables etc. There will not be a single child in my wedding party or at my reception. FI & I do not like or want kids.

That said, my brother has two little girls and FI's best friend has 2 little girls. Both have already been told there will be no kids at our wedding and neither set of parents care. In fact, both seemed pretty psyched. My brother & SIL have already said they are looking forward to a night of adult fun. Our friends left their kids with their grandma a few weeks ago to come to an adults only party at my house so this won't be an issue for them either. And that party wasn't even a once in a lifetime event.

 

[ccgirl]

We had this happen a few times when we got married. We called them and spoke to them in person and explained that there would be no room to accommodate their guests. One person called back and said they would pay for their two DD's to bring their boyfriends (they didn't though) and one other person brought a guest anyway so the reception manager set another plate. They broke up a few days later. It was my DH cousin. His other cousins made sure he would not be in any family pictures...Thank God...as he wore pleather pants and a hat. Quite a character. Then, I didn't even get a card from them.

 

[Pigeon]

Wow. So you'd rather spend a day with your immediate family that you see every single day than be present at a once in a lifetime event for another family member or close friend? That floors me.

I'll be honest -- I can not stand children. I left a wedding early last month because FI and I could not take the bratty kids running around, screaming into the dj's mic, throwing things, crawling under tables etc. There will not be a single child in my wedding party or at my reception. FI & I do not like or want kids.

Yup, I'd pretty much rather spend the time with my family. If the other family member or close friend didn't want my entire family at their "once in a lifetime event" that's their choice, but I'd have to pass. That would be true if it were my own sibling getting married.

You don't have to like or want kids. I didn't want them for a long time--until I was well into my 30s. There are many kids I don't like--many adults as well.

However, not all kids are bratty and not all act like howler monkeys on crack during serious events.

 

[Pigeon]

Just curious - do you accept invitations to adult parties? Workplace parties? Out to dinner with friends? I spend a lot of my time with my kids, but enjoy a night out with adults every now and then. On Friday nights, I typically go out and play bunco - it's fun!

Almost never. I hate work related functions with a passion, but fortunately dh and I are employed in fields where those kind of things aren't an issue. I do socialize with coworkers, but they are family oriented events.

On Friday night, we typically rent a movie and make popcorn. It's also fun and we all look forward to it. Whatever floats your boat.

 

[ead79]

The problem is that these rules are terribly outdated. When these rules were conceived, women were never w/out an escort, young ladies did not go out of the house alone.

I love how people pick and choose which rules of etiquette to follow. For those who quote the "don't have to invite guests" rule, did you follow every rule to the letter? Probably not. There are rules regarding wording of the invitations, cutting of the cake, etc., etc.

Just because you don't "have" to invite a single with an "& guest" doesn't mean that its not the right thing to do. I gladly encouraged singles to bring guests to our wedding and it turned out great. Yes, there were some people that I didn't know but we had one heck of a party. Some people did come alone but that was their choice, not one I forced on them because I had trouble controlling my budget or guest list.

I respectfully disagree. Wedding etiquette rules have most certainly been updated since the age when ladies didn't leave the house alone. When I got married, I purchased Emily Post's guide to wedding etiquette, and I did follow it's etiquette rules. I correctly worded my invitations, properly addressed the envelopes, etc. To be completely forthcoming, I did use the phrase "request the honour of your presence" instead of "request the pleasure of your company" because I wanted to indicate that it would be a formal, religious ceremony despite it being held at a non-denominational facility.

We honestly had very few single people interested in bringing dates, so it wasn't a huge issue. But according to my etiquette books, we didn't break any rules whatsoever by not including guests for those folks. The only person who had an issue with it was a cousin of my husband's who neglected to RSVP until 2 days before my wedding (long after I had to turn in my catering headcount) and wanted to bring along a date. Let's just say that he has caused some issues in his family, so this type of drama wasn't all that surprising coming from him.