Wedding RSVP's with added guests

[Disney1fan2002]

Last year, talking to my uncle, I found out we(myself and siblings) went to my cousin's wedding "uninvited"

My mother just called us all and told us when her wedding was, and that we were invited. We do a lot of informal things in our family, so it didn't seem out of the ordinary that the whole family would of been invited through one invitation addressed to my mother and father. This was in 1992. My mother died in 1995. I have 11 siblings and 5 of us went, along with our parents.

Last year, at a labor day cookout, we were talking about my mother. My uncle mentions how he got the RSVP card back for his daughter's wedding with all of us kids penciled in. He said he didn't know what to do, but he hadn't planned on any of the kids being there, just my mother and father. I was MORTIFIED. I couldn't believe it. I just kept apologizing. He laughed. It was just something my mother would do. But my GOD, if I had kown that we kids were not invited......

 

[cabanafrau]

Last year, talking to my uncle, I found out we(myself and siblings) went to my cousin's wedding "uninvited"

My mother just called us all and told us when her wedding was, and that we were invited. We do a lot of informal things in our family, so it didn't seem out of the ordinary that the whole family would of been invited through one invitation addressed to my mother and father. This was in 1992. My mother died in 1995. I have 11 siblings and 5 of us went, along with our parents.

Last year, at a labor day cookout, we were talking about my mother. My uncle mentions how he got the RSVP card back for his daughter's wedding with all of us kids penciled in. He said he didn't know what to do, but he hadn't planned on any of the kids being there, just my mother and father. I was MORTIFIED. I couldn't believe it. I just kept apologizing. He laughed. It was just something my mother would do. But my GOD, if I had kown that we kids were not invited......

OMG, that is a classic family story, classic! I do understand you feeling mortified and awkward when you initially found out about it, but that is exhibit A why we should dial down some of our expectations when it comes to things like weddings. I'm not saying that something like this can't create a major amount of anxiety for those paying and planning, but bravo to your uncle and cousins for never giving any of you a clue about the situation until years later. How wonderful he can laugh about it & I hope you can too.

 

[M5ward]

I am always shocked over the high cost of weddings in certain areas! $100 per person! Lordy!

Where I live $100 per person is in the lower range in wedding reception pricing.
As for children...we invited several small children ( under 10 years old) to my son's wedding in 2006. We did not invite any children to my daughter's wedding (at her request) in 2008 because of the behavior of those same children in 2006. Don't get me wrong..their parents thought they were acting fine and having a good time..I was afraid they'd hurt someone or themselves. I went to a wedding where the elderly grandmother was wiped out by a couple of kids "just having fun" on the dance floor.
I agree with the PP who commented that you don't take your kids to cocktail parties and wedding receptions rank right up there with said cocktail parties. There is usually alcohol involved and adults having a good time at an adult function many times extending late into the evening. I certainly see kids at a casual family style wedding but not at a more formal country club type affair.

 

[merryweather20]

It is completely wrong of people to invite extras.

However, I also think it's just rude and obnoxious to invite singles without allowing them to bring a guest. I'd decline the invitation.

While I think it is the couple's decision whether or not to invite children, it's the invitees decision whether or not to attend. If my kids aren't invited, we decline, and that holds true for whoever the wedding may be for, siblings included.

Obnoxious? I read a number of etiquette books when my best friend got married and everyone, advised not to invite any +1's unless they were going to be that person's wife/husband or equivalent.

I'm the shyest person I know, and I can't fathom some of the comments, one about the difficulty of walking in alone Huh? Others about not having anyone to dance with How about asking anyone else at the wedding?

When I'm at a wedding I want to enjoy time with my family and friends. Why would I want to haul a date when they won't know anyone?

 

[LoraJ]

When I was single, I was only invited with a guest about half the time. It never bothered me. I would always know at least someone else at the wedding and never felt awkward.

 

[karly05]

I wouldn't have chimed in here, but I'm going to the wedding of a cousin (first cousin once removed? She's my first-cousin's daughter) next month. I was invited as a single, no +1, didn't expect to be offered a +1, and wouldn't have a +1 to bring if I had been offered one. I would be hurt if they had decided, "Oh, we'd better not even invite karly because she's single and we don't have room to let her bring an escort/guest." I don't mind going by myself, and can't even fathom an issue with "walking in alone." I'm not the most extroverted person, I won't know anyone there but my relatives, and my relationship with most of them is basically "weddings and funerals," but I'm still looking forward to going. I'm a big believer that the Bride & Groom get to set the guest list. Guests may politely decline - and the B&G should graciously accept the declines - but the B&G are not obligated to allow "write-ins."

 

[mjkacmom]

While I agree totally that it is the bride and groom's decision whether or not to invite children, I still disagree that it is ok to invite single people to a wedding without allowing for an escort, whether it is a significant other or the "flavor of the week."

Whether or not they are going to be sitting with those that they know, the hosts are still putting the guest in the very awkward position of having to either find a ride with somebody else or having to walk in alone.

I was always taught that this was beyond bad manners. They only time you invite a single person alone is if you already have a pre-determined escort that was also invited alone. IE; you are setting up the couple.

If you are inviting couples, then everybody should be invited as a couple. If your budget does not allow this, then cut out something else.

We're having a small wedding. Do we have to invite Mr. Smith "and Guest"? One friend told me that if a guest is not seriously dating someone, I can just address the invite to Mr. Smith, and he'll know he's not supposed to invite someone. Is that true? What do I do if such guests reply for two anyway?
A. Most guests will understand that without "and Guest" or another name on the invitation, it's meant for them alone. Especially if you are having a small wedding, you probably aren't going to invite everyone to bring an escort, unless it's a fiance(e) and/or a serious significant other. Technically, you're never supposed to write "and Guest"; instead, you should find out the name of the significant other. What to do if some clueless souls reply for two? Call them up and explain that you're having an intimate wedding and, unfortunately, you were not able to invite everyone with a guest. They should understand that.

Here's another:

Q.My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding and we are on a tight budget. We would like to invite as many people as possible, which makes it tough to invite singles with guests. Is it acceptable to invite single family and friends but not include "and guest" on their invitations? My fiance says we have to allow people to bring a guest out of courtesy. I just don't want to eliminate people just because we're obligated to let them bring a guest that we can't afford. What should we do?

A.

This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis. If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off your guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding

I actually checked many sites, and couldn't find one that says it's poor etiquitte not to invite "and guest."

 

[Shyvioletisme]

Obnoxious? I read a number of etiquette books when my best friend got married and everyone, advised not to invite any +1's unless they were going to be that person's wife/husband or equivalent.

I'm the shyest person I know, and I can't fathom some of the comments, one about the difficulty of walking in alone Huh? Others about not having anyone to dance with How about asking anyone else at the wedding?

When I'm at a wedding I want to enjoy time with my family and friends. Why would I want to haul a date when they won't know anyone?

I agree here. I'm REALLY shy, but would have had no issues going to a wedding alone before I was married. I also don't think it's wrong to not not invite a + 1. For one, I woudn't want people at my wedding I don't know(so unless the person is in a long term relationship with the person and I knew them, I wouldn't want someone unknown to me there). I just can't fathom, even as a seriously shy person, not being able to spend a couple of hours at a wedding by myself for a friend or family member.

 

[Missy1961]

I'm single, with no significant other. I have had no problems going to parties & weddings alone. If it's a family wedding I just hang out with my sisters & brothers & dad. If it's a co-worker's wedding, I hang out with other co-workers. What's the problem? I don't see how any of those brides & grooms were rude by not having me bring a guest? Why should they pay for me to bring some guy they don't even know? And why should I drag some guy to a wedding where he won't know many people?

OP, I think I'd give those people a call. They need to know that they can't bring the extras. BTW, that is ruder than a bride & groom not inviting a guest for a single.

 

[ShootingStarMom2]

I definitely agree it is VERY poor taste to add on invites, but I don't think it is proper to invite a single-ton and not allow him or her to bring a guest. She probably doesn't yet know who she will be seated with, right? Isn't this something you find out when you enter the reception?

I was once invited to a wedding but warned by the bride's sister prior to receiving the invite that I might not be allowed to bring a guest because the count was getting high. I, of course, never said anything, but found this quite rude. The invite did include guest, so we went. If it was just for me I would have declined.

There are so many different friends and family groups and "coupling" at weddings (who do you slow dance with if you are by yourself) and the bride and groom do so much hopping between guests, I think it is only right to allow everyone (married or not) to bring a guest so that they have an enjoyable evening too.

ITA! What if you were the only non-married friend? All of the couples would be placed together and you'd get stuck at "table 9" with no familar face in sight. No thanks!

My daughter is getting married next Saturday & I swear I could have written this myself. We had a 1 guest wanting to bring their 8 month old. We politely called these people & informed them of the limited space & were so sorry for any misunderstandings. It absolutely burns me to no end how some people assume they can just add guests! I went threw the same thing last year with my own wedding & had a couple just show up with their son which in return messed up the seating arrangement. Is it just me or does anyone else find this rude & inconsiderate?

I guess an 8 month old sitting in a highchair between his parents is taking up too much room? Yikes! He wouldn't even be eating. That doesn't really qualify as a guest, does it? If they added a 10 year old, ok... but an 8 month old? Yes, showing up with their child was a rude surprise. But, it shouldn't have ruined your day.

An 8 month old is hardly a guest. He or she would not even eat anything.

I think if you invite parents of children, you should expect the family to come to the wedding, I mean...really...why would you just invite the adults? I think weddings are a FAMILY event. I would never have a wedding and expect my guests not to bring their children, it is a family celebration.

Inviting guests that you do not know is not o.k. with me. I do think single people should be allowed to bring a date with them. You would never invite half of a married couple and who is to say their guest is "flavor" of the week?

When you put such tight restrictions on guests, you run the risk (especially parents) of having them choose between their children.

Thank you! I couldn't have said it better. About the kids, family, the celebration, and single guests.

We attended DH's cousins wedding 2 years ago. Our sons were 18 and 14. They were not invited. All the other family's children were invited, those older and younger. We were told they were not included on the invitation because no one in the family could remember their names. Still haven't figured this one out.

Crazy!

We just missed a family wedding because the bride and the bride's family (not my family) didn't want little ones at their reception. I figured we would be able to just go to the ceremony, but my cousin informed me that they didn't want them there either. I felt like we weren't good enough to attend all together. We had just seen their entire family about 2 months before the wedding and chatted about how we couldn't wait to see them get married. Why didn't they say something then? They know us well enough to know we wouldn't let our LOs get out of hand. I'm not an "armchair parent", as my dad calls them. Like a PP said, it's about FAMILY. Maybe one day when they have kids and are excluded they will understand. I'm still stunned about it.

 

[janets]

When I got married 13 years ago, my DH's brother was single. He was not dating anyone, didn't have a "flavor of the week". I expected that he was coming alone. I mean, he knew his whole family, knew all of dh's friends for years. Instead, I was informed that he "needed" to bring someone so that he wasn't alone. So there is my wedding album with pictures of some girl that he was friendly with and was available that evening. I don't know her name, never did, and never saw her again.

Was it a big deal in the long run? Probably not. But I was not happy having to pay quite a bit to have a stranger at my wedding. Of course, dh tells me that I had an obligation to make his brother happy since it was family. OK, then explain to me why, 4 years later, BIL is engaged to be married, tells us that he's considering a "destination wedding" and will we be able to come. We reply that it would not be possible for us, given the costs to travel and the fact that we had a 2 yo son. I simply did not see having to deal with a toddler at a wedding affair as a good idea, let alone flying to the Bahamas with him and having to find ways to entertain him during the affair. BIL decided that the destination wedding was more important and booked it anyway (we later found out that his wife's parents offered to pay for it if they had it down there). The only people who went were DH, his mother and a friend of hers to keep her company. BIL's ILs excluded MIL from everything and barely treated her as a guest.

Yes, it is ultimately the bride and groom's decision as to whether to invite guests or have kids. I would never, ever expect to be invited to a formal wedding with my children. None of my cousins invited my kids when they had weddings and I never expected them to. I either got a babysitter or declined if I couldn't find one. With costs of wedding up here in the Northeast running well over $100/pp, I would never want anyone paying that kind of money for my kids.

That said, my niece is getting married next August. My boys will be 12.5 and 8 at the time. They are invited. My boys and my niece are more like brothers/sister than cousins. Plus my kids are experienced in formal dining venues. And my niece is also inviting her fiance's nieces and nephews who are much younger than mine. Frankly, I don't envy her that part.

 

[mjkacmom]

ITA! What if you were the only non-married friend? All of the couples would be placed together and you'd get stuck at "table 9" with no familar face in sight. No thanks!

They know us well enough to know we wouldn't let our LOs get out of hand. I'm not an "armchair parent", as my dad calls them. Like a PP said, it's about FAMILY. Maybe one day when they have kids and are excluded they will understand. I'm still stunned about it.

I'm pretty sure no one would invite someone without a guest who was not going to know other singles at the wedding, or at least seat them with people they know - that would be rude. And just because you won't let your kids get out of hand, doesn't mean others won't, and if you open that door and invite some children, you are pretty much forced to invite all children. My kids have been excluded from a lot of weddings - love them a lot, but can bear to be apart from them for 4 hours or so, at an adult funtion.

A wedding, to me, is about starting a new family, not bringing 2 families together.

 

[npmommie]

My kids have been excluded from a lot of weddings - love them a lot, but can bear to be apart from them for 4 hours or so, at an adult funtion.

A wedding, to me, is about starting a new family, not bringing 2 families together.

I don't think those of us that think kids should be included are saying so because we don't want to go without them and can't be apart. its because I personally feel like a wedding is a family event and kids are part of the family. at least that's how my family feels and dh's family. we have been to so many weddings and never once were kids excluded. and these are not back yard weddings they are sit down dress up dinner type weddings.
and a wedding is about starting a new family AND bringing 2 families together , the brides family and the grooms family.

but thats just my personal view and experience, i realize not everyone feels that kids are part of the celebration.

 

[lsyorke]

but thats just my personal view and experience, i realize not everyone feels that kids are part of the celebration.

I've been to weddings with kids invited and most without kids invited. Bottom line is that it's up to the bride and groom, not the guests to determine what the wedding guest list will be.
I have never heard of someone adding guests on their own..that is just plain rude.

 

[npmommie]

I've been to weddings with kids invited and most without kids invited. Bottom line is that it's up to the bride and groom, not the guests to determine what the wedding guest list will be.
I have never heard of someone adding guests on their own..that is just plain rude.

I completely agree. and if I was invited to a family wedding and kids were excluded I would decline the invite. no hard feelings.
I also agree it is completely rude to add guests.
when we got married there were many singles invited and we invited them as Ms. Sally Jones and guest. so they could bring a date.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think though that there are many people who do have hard feelings about having their children be excluded.

 

[BelleWDW]

We just missed a family wedding because the bride and the bride's family (not my family) didn't want little ones at their reception. I figured we would be able to just go to the ceremony, but my cousin informed me that they didn't want them there either.

I felt like we weren't good enough to attend all together.

Like a PP said, it's about FAMILY. Maybe one day when they have kids and are excluded they will understand. I'm still stunned about it.

Sorry _i disagree. Its the Bride and groom's decision on what type of wedding they want. I agree little ones -even the most precious ones-can disrupt a ceremony.

I had a disagreement with my brother who took his college aged kids to a wedding when only he and wife were invited.

All us cousins(we were the Mother of the Bride's First cousins) and spouses were invited-but not our kids-the kids are 2nd cousins and really not close to the bride.

He INSISTED that he never heard of anything like that-even when I pointed out that the inner envelope had only his name and his wife's name -he bellowed"Anyone invites ME to a wedding-invites my WHOLE family".

 

[NMAmy]

A wedding, to me, is about starting a new family, not bringing 2 families together.

Wow. That comment really threw me. A wedding, to me, is about creating a new family by involving both the bride's family and the groom's family. I mean, let's face it, you're now related to a whole lot of strangers. Isn't this the time to begin forming a relationship with your spouse's extended family?

I've personally never been to a wedding without kids but from reading here I realize that it's not that way everywhere. I have never seen a child interupt a ceremony or cause trouble at the reception. If a baby starts to fuss at the ceremony, one of the parents or another relative takes them out to the vestibule or a quiet room. I think weddings are a great way for kids to get to know extended family that they don't see that often.

As I said in an earlier post, it's the bride & groom's choice and while I've yet to experience it, I respect it. It's a moot point for me, anyway, since my dd is 18.

 

[maxiesmom]

While I agree totally that it is the bride and groom's decision whether or not to invite children, I still disagree that it is ok to invite single people to a wedding without allowing for an escort, whether it is a significant other or the "flavor of the week."

Whether or not they are going to be sitting with those that they know, the hosts are still putting the guest in the very awkward position of having to either find a ride with somebody else or having to walk in alone.

I was always taught that this was beyond bad manners. They only time you invite a single person alone is if you already have a pre-determined escort that was also invited alone. IE; you are setting up the couple.

If you are inviting couples, then everybody should be invited as a couple. If your budget does not allow this, then cut out something else.

I don't agree. I have been to weddings as a single person, and I just hung out with the other single people. The happy couple can invite whoever they choose. If someone doesn't want to go as a single person they are free to send their regrets.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow. That comment really threw me. A wedding, to me, is about creating a new family by involving both the bride's family and the groom's family. I mean, let's face it, you're now related to a whole lot of strangers. Isn't this the time to begin forming a relationship with your spouse's extended family?

I've personally never been to a wedding without kids but from reading here I realize that it's not that way everywhere. I have never seen a child interupt a ceremony or cause trouble at the reception. If a baby starts to fuss at the ceremony, one of the parents or another relative takes them out to the vestibule or a quiet room. I think weddings are a great way for kids to get to know extended family that they don't see that often.

As I said in an earlier post, it's the bride & groom's choice and while I've yet to experience it, I respect it. It's a moot point for me, anyway, since my dd is 18.

I don't think my sister could pick DH's nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, and uncles out of a line-up. Most of these people meet on this one day, and never see each other again, except maybe if the couple passed away, at the funeral. My parents see my IL's at dance recitals, sporting events, and birthdays, but that's it. DH's siblings don't live here, my sister doesn't live here. It's not like, after the wedding, both sides of the family get together at all. I'm "related" to DH's family, but my family isn't.