Wedding RSVPs not returned

[Searc]

It's only a commitment if I RSVP yes I am going. It is an invitation, it is not a summons, you aren't required to go because you get an invitation. If you put an RSVP date on it, then people get to wait until then to decide if they want to go or not.
Newsflash- your wedding (or any other event you host) isn't the most important event in everyone elses life, some people do actually have more important things to do. If I have more important people in my life, you bet your behind I'm waiting to make sure there is no plans to do something with them before I respond to your wedding invitation.
Or, if I don't want to go because I just don't like you or whatever reason I still don't need to respond until the RSVP date. If you think people have to respond yes right away because you invited them all I can say- good god get over yourself.

Yes, we are the ones that need to get over ourselves.

 

[runwad]

The only thing you can do, is have enough food for everyone that got an invitation. No other way around it. Better to have left over food than not enough.

Ugh, this is what my Mother made me do when we got married in 1991. Now my brain is a little foggy and I can no longer remember if I paid for 20 extra no shows or 50?

They didn't send in their RSVP and I wanted to call them and no way that was going to fly with my Mother, it was unheard of back then; calling your guests up to ask. I had to pony up the money.

At least the venue did box up the leftovers back then! The next day all my extended family went over to my parents and ate the leftovers as we were on our way to our honeymoon.

When my kids get married, I'll be calling, texting, fb messaging anyone who doesn't respond, it's too much $$ to waste now a days!

 

[lisam427]

For my daughter's wedding a few years ago I had people RSVP by call, Facebook im or text. My wedding is coming up (getting re married) I'm going to do the same. For my daughter's wedding people called me three days before the her wedding and stated they were coming. most rsvp came in on deadline or a day or two later. In your situation I would wait until the deadline or a day or two later. If you still don't get responses i would call people.

 

[kaytieeldr]

afterall you made the date the least you can do is complain about people after they missed it instead of before.

It sounds like a substantial number - more than half - have not responded in the last 2/3/4 weeks since the invitations went out, but will at virtually the last minute. It should be like a Bell Curve, or popcorn in the microwave.

You already have a commitment that day and need to stick to it.

Newsflash- your wedding (or any other event you host) isn't the most important event in everyone elses life, some people do actually have more important things to do.

"Have" being the operative word. Not waiting for, anticipating, hoping. Already existing. Not waiting to see if something more fun of enjoyable pops up.

In that case, just say no.

Ugh, this is what my Mother made me do when we got married in 1991. Now my brain is a little foggy and I can no longer remember if I paid for 20 extra no shows or 50?

Did you marry my brother??? Bride's family ended up with a refrigerator full of food due to all the no-shows.

 

[LBHouse]

What?? Then there’s no way you’d have an elegant plated event. The caterer needs a count or how would he have an idea of how much food to prepare? Plus how many tables and plates will be needed - this is a wedding not a pot luck! Plus the price you pay per meal I don’t want to be paying for people who aren’t coming

Exactly. Taking my 5 young kids to a hotel ballroom and making them be quiet to eat a not very tasty over priced meal just isn't my cup of tea. People do what they want to do, and we simply don't have a social/family group of people who would even want to be spending $100+ on a wedding dinner. Nothing wrong with being different, I was just expressing a view that not everyone cares for formal events and such.

My wife and I got married at our lake house with siblings/parents/grandparents. Had a big party after and had a great time. But I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of making everyone RSVP. Way too much stress and that's no way to start a marriage. Last wedding I was at they had a pig roast at the farm, ice cream/cake and a folding table with alcohol and lemonade. Horse shoes and a bon fire. I'm not saying that's right for everyone, just giving another perspective, not everyone is into a banquet hall and steamed chicken dinner.

Maybe if more people didnt expect a young couple trying to get started in life to drop $30k on a wedding and buy a house instead we would be in a better place.

 

[runwad]

Did you marry my brother??? Bride's family ended up with a refrigerator full of food due to all the no-shows.

We had 400 people at our wedding. Big family and extended family plus my parents had a lot of friends and my DH and I invited all our sorority and fraternity friends. Nothing left for the refrigerator it was all eaten

 

[Hikergirl]

It sounds like a substantial number - more than half - have not responded in the last 2/3/4 weeks since the invitations went out, but will at virtually the last minute. It should be like a Bell Curve, or popcorn in the microwave.


"Have" being the operative word. Not waiting for, anticipating, hoping. Already existing. Not waiting to see if something more fun of enjoyable pops up.

In that case, just say no.

Or I wait until the RSVP date to make my decision
Look if you all want an instant response than tell people that’s what you want.
Otherwise you have zero say in why they wait until the date you asked them to respond by.
You don’t get to make that decision for the people you invite.
Some of you really have issues with entitlement

 

[crisi]

A wedding is not a summons, but it is one of the most important events in most people's lives. If we get an invitation from someone important to us, we RSVP immediately. We RSVP that we can't go if we can't go - its a destination wedding outside our budget, we already have a vacation booked, one of our own kids is graduating or we've committed to another wedding. If the invitation comes from someone not important enough to us to attend, we immediately RSVP in the negative (the occasional gift grab - at this age it tends to be the kids of people we know who we aren't close to - or, generally, cousins kids - neither of us are that close to our cousins). There are few things in life more important for you to show up at than the wedding of someone you care about. I can't imagine what events might take precedence on a calendar - I mean, maybe you end up at a funeral, but if you've RSVP'd and then had to go to a funeral, the bride and groom should understand. This isn't like "maybe my friends will decide to do a spa weekend and I'd rather do that."

And perhaps I think my friends and family are entitled to me treating them like one of the most important days of their lives is important. I really can't imagine being friends with someone who didn't feel similarly.

 

[barkley]

Exactly. Taking my 5 young kids to a hotel ballroom and making them be quiet to eat a not very tasty over priced meal just isn't my cup of tea. People do what they want to do, and we simply don't have a social/family group of people who would even want to be spending $100+ on a wedding dinner. Nothing wrong with being different, I was just expressing a view that not everyone cares for formal events and such.

My wife and I got married at our lake house with siblings/parents/grandparents. Had a big party after and had a great time. But I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of making everyone RSVP. Way too much stress and that's no way to start a marriage. Last wedding I was at they had a pig roast at the farm, ice cream/cake and a folding table with alcohol and lemonade. Horse shoes and a bon fire. I'm not saying that's right for everyone, just giving another perspective, not everyone is into a banquet hall and steamed chicken dinner.

Maybe if more people didnt expect a young couple trying to get started in life to drop $30k on a wedding and buy a house instead we would be in a better place.

there can be other considerations with number of attendees than just food-and it can occur on private property as well.

parking being one issue. depending on where a wedding is being held there may/may not be restrictions on parking. we attended one at a venue where the rsvp 'drove' the number of shuttle vans to take the guests to the venue (no parking on site). on the flip side-private home/rural property. hosts planned for parking based on rsvp's with a bit of cushioning and had a designated area. many more people showed up and the parking overflowed off the property onto both sides of the small county road adjacent to the property-the fire department ended up dispatching staff b/c it became an issue for residents to get through to their homes let alone emergency vehicles. if the hosts had an accurate count they could have made arrangements ahead of time.

it doesn't matter to me if i'm invited to a small or large event, formal or not-if the host takes the time to invite me and asks that i respond as to if i am or am not attending then i can take the time to respond.

 

[Dakota731]

The only thing you can do, is have enough food for everyone that got an invitation. No other way around it. Better to have left over food than not enough.

It doesn’t work that way - it’s illegal in our state for caterers to send extra food home due to health department laws. Then you’d be paying a few thousand dollars to throw food in the trash.

 

[Dakota731]

I don’t think it’s just weddings either. I hear so many people saying they don’t get rsvps for showers, graduation or birthday parties either. Some people do have budgets so you need to know how much food, favors etc. without overspending on no-shows. Not to mention it’s good to know if your venue is big enough and you have seats for everyone. I get everyone is busy but it only takes a second to text or email. Heck in the old days we had to mail a card or make a phone call!

 

[kiddo76]

This past summer we had some kind of event almost every weekend. Several graduation parties, weddings, baby and bridal showers, a family reunion. All of those events took precedent over DH's cousin's 3rd wedding (whom we haven't seen or talked to since his 2nd wedding).

When we got the wedding invite, my sister had narrowed down my nephew's grad party to 2 dates, and this wedding was on one of them. There was no way I was going to miss my nephew's party. So we waited to RSVP until we knew the grad party date, which ended up being scheduled on the same date as the wedding. We RSVPed No by the date requested. If there wasn't a conflict, we would have gone to the wedding mostly just to see DH's aunts.

It's not rude to not reply before the date requested by the host.

 

[MomOTwins]

I guess what I don't get (and perhaps others see it this way as well...) is why some folks treat a invitation with a RSVP to a special occasion such as a wedding, as a imposition and react adversely toward it? Someone, a friend or family member, thought so much of you to invite you to a very important milestone in their life.

It's not like they sat down one day and made a list of folks they'd like to irritate by spending $100 a plate ( or whatever) and 4-6 hours of their time with.

As a guest, the cost can often be much higher than $100 a plate. The guest has to buy a nice gift, if kids are not invited and the guest has kids, pay for a babysitter (going rates for where I live are $20 an hour and up) and let’s not even get started about the cost if flights and hotel are involved.

 

[Dakota731]

Exactly. Taking my 5 young kids to a hotel ballroom and making them be quiet to eat a not very tasty over priced meal just isn't my cup of tea. People do what they want to do, and we simply don't have a social/family group of people who would even want to be spending $100+ on a wedding dinner. Nothing wrong with being different, I was just expressing a view that not everyone cares for formal events and such.

My wife and I got married at our lake house with siblings/parents/grandparents. Had a big party after and had a great time. But I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of making everyone RSVP. Way too much stress and that's no way to start a marriage. Last wedding I was at they had a pig roast at the farm, ice cream/cake and a folding table with alcohol and lemonade. Horse shoes and a bon fire. I'm not saying that's right for everyone, just giving another perspective, not everyone is into a banquet hall and steamed chicken dinner.

Maybe if more people didnt expect a young couple trying to get started in life to drop $30k on a wedding and buy a house instead we would be in a better place.

Sorry but we don’t own a lake house or a farm so we have to pay for a venue for the wedding And unfortunately the caterer has a strange request to know how many dinners to prepare. By the way, my daughter and her fiance are taking on no debt for this wedding and have just bought a lovely home so it’s not fair to make assumptions.

 

[barkley]

As a guest, the cost can often be much higher than $100 a plate. The guest has to buy a nice gift, if kids are not invited and the guest has kids, pay for a babysitter (going rates for where I live are $20 an hour and up) and let’s not even get started about the cost if flights and hotel are involved.

totally agree.

that said-when i receive an invite and balance out the cost of attendance (coa) vs my budget i still manage to make a timely decision and response to the r.s.v.p..

we opted not to attend 2 nephew weddings b/c the airfare, hotel and associated expenses w/one was prohibitive for our budget. the other might have been affordable had it not been on a holiday weekend wherein all the hotels withing any proximity to the distant venue required a minimum number of nights booking that (b/c of no proximity to any airport/ 15 plus hour drive from our home) would have entailed taking a full week of vacation time leave for dh and i both (which at the time we prudently saved to cover the days daycare was closed). it didn't stop us from immediately returning the r.s.v.p. and letting the hosts know we couldn't attend. didn't cost us a cent to reply w/the postage ready pre-addressed envelope.

maybe i'm 'old school' but when i invited people to my wedding and the r.s.v.p. offered the option of 'yes' or 'no' on attending i was in no way, shape or form offended if people declined. it's an invitation not a demand.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Maybe if more people didnt expect a young couple trying to get started in life to drop $30k on a wedding and buy a house instead we would be in a better place.

Conversely, if couples of any age getting married didn't choose to spend the cost of a car on a fancy wedding... I don't give a rat's patoot how much the wedding (or any event requiring RSVP) costs.

It's not rude to not reply before the date requested by the host.

But again, it's not necessary to wait until the last minute or beyond to reply - especially when (as indicated in some of these posts) holding out for a better offer. Invitees who feel that way should probably just decline the invitation.

As a guest, the cost can often be much higher than $100 a plate. The guest has to buy a nice gift, if kids are not invited and the guest has kids, pay for a babysitter (going rates for where I live are $20 an hour and up) and let’s not even get started about the cost if flights and hotel are involved.

In cases like this, the guest probably knows within hours, if not minutes, of reading the invitation that they won't be going.

 

[unrequited23]

You will get a bunch or replies the week after the RSVP date passes. A lot of people toss them in the mail on the respond by date. But yes, you will have to call/text/fb message to hunt down the rest of the responses. It's not fun, but has to be done. I'm sure several people will even respond that they are bringing 5 or 6 people more than were actually invited...then you have to decide if you are going to make an issue out of it.

I personally find it terribly rude not to RSVP by the date requested and will adjust future guest lists accordingly. Three no show's after saying yes or no response and you are off future guest lists.

 

[kiddo76]

But again, it's not necessary to wait until the last minute or beyond to reply - especially when (as indicated in some of these posts) holding out for a better offer. Invitees who feel that way should probably just decline the invitation.

In our case we did have to wait to RSVP. Wedding invite went out before nephew's grad invite. We responded by the RSVP date, but not until after I knew when the grad party was. If we didn't know before the deadline, we would have had to say No. If the grad party ended up being on a different date than their wedding, then we would have said Yes.

We weren't holding out for a "better offer", we were trying to fit in as many events this summer that we could.

Again, it is not rude to wait to respond until the requested date. It IS rude to respond after that date.

 

[AnnaS]

Is it too much to ask for a simple yes or no? You were invited, you were thought of. There is no right or wrong to do things anymore. How much one spends is irrelevant too. Don't say yes though and then not show up.........If I invite you over for a Christmas dinner - isn't there a reply needed? I don't get it. Everyone knows if they are going or not wether or not they have the Save the Date or heard of the date by word of mouth. Regardless, if you know you are going, respond. If you are waiting for "something better" to come along, then the people inviting you are not that important so simply say No........If you need an extra day or two.....getting off from work, traveling, babysitting schedule, please let them know too.

It does not matter if it's a birthday, shower, retirement party, wedding etc.

It does not matter if it's in a barn, house, restaurant or catering hall. I might have 20 people and someone else might have 50 people. As a guest.......how do you show up when you were not accounted for?

If one can take/make the effort to invite, call, send an invite, pay for postage......just have the decency to reply. Yes, or no. No explanation. No need to "speak" to someone to make excuses/explain, etc. Whichever way the RSVP is offered, Text, call, mail back the response card with the stamp provided.

Yes or no.

When there is no response - (unless you know it's lost) - it sends a clear message - you don't care enough.

Good luck to the OP. Double check if any got lost. I have gone through this and I am going through the same thing as many others have. I would have the spouse's mom, call for their side.

For anyone who does not agree with this, fine. It's your right/opinion, etc. I don't think someone will understand until they have their own affair. Maybe they will be one of the lucky ones who have all the responses.

Now if you have an open house affair/invite......totally different. Cannot compare to the "norm"

Just my thoughts

Enjoy and peace!

 

[Uncle Coaster]

Would it be socially unacceptable to turn people away on the day of if they didn’t rsvp?