Wedding RSVPs not returned

[shh]

If you can't take a minute to respond either way, when someone is going to all that effort to plan a special event and treat them like "Plan B" if nothing better comes up, you're a big loser in my book and it's a huge relief that I can count you as a no right from the getgo.

Karma is a you-know-what. One day, all of these people will be planning something of their own or for their kids - and when people don't respond to them, then they'll finally get what rudeness feels like.

 

[AnnaS]

Would it be socially unacceptable to turn people away on the day of if they didn’t rsvp?

Might be - I would not/could not.

I do know and have been to parties where they all had to scramble to squeeze couples in, add chairs and setting plate setting last last second. No need for that.

We are having a destination wedding for my dd. Coming up in Disney. She is not having it in one of the "restaurants" but in a "venue"/lounge. There is no "kitchen" right there to order extra meals.

I did have one person who did not know if they might come and "might show up". I said it's not the "normal" venue. You need to meet the motor coach bus to take you through the back to the ceremony (Epcot) and reception (Epcot). You cannot simply 'show' up and walk through the park for the ceremony (closed to guests until 11 am). The reception no problem to walk to but need a park ticket. The person has now said yes/attending.

If we were home, and someone or a couple told me we are not 100% sure we can make it (someone is sick etc.), one would know ahead of time and can make arrangements/plan for it, etc. One cannot have a few couples/people where they won't know until the last minute if they are coming. We make table seating, order/pay for food, etc.

Again, open concept......a few people is not going to matter. Buffet.......much easier to accommodate too.

Each situation is unique. The majority or 99% of your guests invited know if they are coming - say yes or no. It's either a very close friend or a family member invited anyway - who is an important part of your life.

 

[Donaldswife]

So in your mind if people aren't willing to immediately accept your invite because they might *gasp* want to wait to see if there are other important things going on, then you don't want them there at all?
People should put that on the RSVP for sure, I know I'd love to know if I'm invited to Bridezilla's wedding.

I sure hope my ds's marry somoene who has no problem with people waiting until the RSVP date and can respect that people can make a choice between their wedding and something else.

If they didn't think my wedding was important enough to give me a firm Yes to then I wouldn't want them there....is there something wrong with that?? I wasn't a bridezilla, and it doesn't make you a bridezilla to only want people at your wedding that think it's important enough to commit to a few weeks before the date. If my wedding is so low down on someone's list that it could be bumped by something else coming along....no, I wouldn't want you there.

 

[Dakota731]

The issue was never if people don’t want to spend the money to attend, it’s just to let the host know either way. And odds are against me getting all 30 outstanding RSVPs in today’s mail (deadline).
As far as barn/Farm weddings being more casual, around here those rentals are $10,000 and up and that doesnt include the $100 a plate for dinner. My guess is a lot of these comments are coming from people who have never planned or paid for a wedding!

 

[77catwoman]

Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to make a bunch of calls to follow-up. I agree that a lot of the comments are from people who have never been in your situation. I don't know anyone who would be willing to just throw thousands of dollars away just in case the people who didn't bother to RSVP decide to show up.

I also wanted to say thanks! I am planning a wedding for next year. We not only need to provide the caterer with a count in advance, but there is a cost per head for the venue as well and we have to pay them 30 days prior. So based on this thread, I know I need to set the RSVP date at least one month prior to the payment being due, so that we can reach out to any people who don't RSVP in a timely fashion.

 

[kiddo76]

The issue was never if people don’t want to spend the money to attend, it’s just to let the host know either way. And odds are against me getting all 30 outstanding RSVPs in today’s mail (deadline).
As far as barn/Farm weddings being more casual, around here those rentals are $10,000 and up and that doesnt include the $100 a plate for dinner. My guess is a lot of these comments are coming from people who have never planned or paid for a wedding!

There's a very good chance most of those guests will put their response in the mail today, the date you requsted. I'd wait unit Mon-Tues to worry and start making calls.

 

[Chickinvic]

If I had to reserve a spot at a party/wedding/reception I wouldn't bother going. Sorry, I don't consider it poor manners, just not my type of crowd. If someone called/texted and invited me I would respond with an honest yes/no.

They need to know the numbers for catering, etc. You seriously can't see this as an issue? I'm all for informal, but many people really do need to know the approximate final number of guests as they are charged per person.

 

[Chickinvic]

The only thing you can do, is have enough food for everyone that got an invitation. No other way around it. Better to have left over food than not enough.

Well, in the case of really expensive catered affairs, I'd rather just have an appropriate amount of food for the expected numbers (plus a bit extra since a few more might show up). I wouldn't want to be paying thousands for people that couldn't be bothered to respond to a proper invite.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I do know and have been to parties where they all had to scramble to squeeze couples in, add chairs and setting plate setting last last second. No need for that.

Years ago, when my cousin got married, several guests responded the day of that they were, in fact, coming. We cousins on her dad's side, and her brother (who no, was not in the wedding party) were relegated to a separated table, on a platform next to the bar. In retaliation, my other cousin "borrowed" some glasses from the bar - and dropped them in the parking lot.

 

[Chickinvic]

Ugh, this is what my Mother made me do when we got married in 1991. Now my brain is a little foggy and I can no longer remember if I paid for 20 extra no shows or 50?

They didn't send in their RSVP and I wanted to call them and no way that was going to fly with my Mother, it was unheard of back then; calling your guests up to ask. I had to pony up the money.

At least the venue did box up the leftovers back then! The next day all my extended family went over to my parents and ate the leftovers as we were on our way to our honeymoon.

When my kids get married, I'll be calling, texting, fb messaging anyone who doesn't respond, it's too much $$ to waste now a days!

Not trying to start anything, but if you were paying, why on Earth did your mother get a say? I'd have been dialing people like crazy no matter what my mom thought of it if I were the one footing the bill. If she were paying - no problem.

 

[Chickinvic]

As a guest, the cost can often be much higher than $100 a plate. The guest has to buy a nice gift, if kids are not invited and the guest has kids, pay for a babysitter (going rates for where I live are $20 an hour and up) and let’s not even get started about the cost if flights and hotel are involved.

Nobody is disputing that, but it costs an "invitee" nothing to check NO on the invite and pop it back in the mail. Nobody is forcing them to go, but it is common courtesy to let someone know as opposed to just surprising them by showing up (unplanned for), or letting them waste money on thinking you might show up and pay for your meal when you have no intention of coming.

 

[Chickinvic]

it doesn't matter to me if i'm invited to a small or large event, formal or not-if the host takes the time to invite me and asks that i respond as to if i am or am not attending then i can take the time to respond.

It is called being a considerate human being. Thank you for being one of the remaining ones.

 

[nkereina]

OP, I went through this when I got married about three years ago. Now, I mail the response card back the next day after I receive the invite because I never want to be *that* person. When the RSVP date was here for mine, there were about 10 families/couples that I hadn't heard from. A few response cards trickled in a week or two after the due date. Because I had given myself a time buffer, I waited about 2.5 weeks after the due date to start contacting people. A few I was almost positive would be no's due to travel, so I just marked them as no. The ones I was truly unsure about, I either contacted myself or my parents did as a few were their siblings. Unfortunately on the day of, we had some "yes's" who were no call no shows, but that's the way it goes. I would advise against putting something on Facebook though - I know a girl who did this for her bridal shower, wedding, and baby shower. Not only is it tacky like you're schooling adults to take care of their obligations, but it might also make your Facebook friends upset who did not receive an invite.

And I agree with PPs - there is nothing wrong with RSVPing or requesting an RSVP. Not only do you need to know a count for catering, but in many cases, you need to know for seating arrangements, centerpieces, table settings, linen rentals, etc. We did 6-top tables and unfortunately had a family of 6 (who had RSVP'd yes) as a no call no show, so we had an entire table go unused. Not only did we pay for them in the catering count, which was per person, but we had also paid for the tablecloth and linen napkin rental as well as the centerpiece for that table. It would have sat better with me if they had just let me know they couldn't make it!

 

[MickyLynn]

So in your mind if people aren't willing to immediately accept your invite because they might *gasp* want to wait to see if there are other important things going on, then you don't want them there at all?
People should put that on the RSVP for sure, I know I'd love to know if I'm invited to Bridezilla's wedding.

I sure hope my ds's marry somoene who has no problem with people waiting until the RSVP date and can respect that people can make a choice between their wedding and something else.

Other important things? Fine. Of course. Ask around, then reply at or near the rsvp date.

If they're just looking to better-deal? No. If you dgaf that's fine. Just say no. Nobody's offended by a no. Perhaps the couple overestimated your affection for them. NBD.

What is offensive is the idea that you are doing someone a favor by letting them host you, especially when you are further removed than close family.

 

[MickyLynn]

A wedding is not a summons, but it is one of the most important events in most people's lives. If we get an invitation from someone important to us, we RSVP immediately. We RSVP that we can't go if we can't go - its a destination wedding outside our budget, we already have a vacation booked, one of our own kids is graduating or we've committed to another wedding. If the invitation comes from someone not important enough to us to attend, we immediately RSVP in the negative (the occasional gift grab - at this age it tends to be the kids of people we know who we aren't close to - or, generally, cousins kids - neither of us are that close to our cousins). There are few things in life more important for you to show up at than the wedding of someone you care about. I can't imagine what events might take precedence on a calendar - I mean, maybe you end up at a funeral, but if you've RSVP'd and then had to go to a funeral, the bride and groom should understand. This isn't like "maybe my friends will decide to do a spa weekend and I'd rather do that."

And perhaps I think my friends and family are entitled to me treating them like one of the most important days of their lives is important. I really can't imagine being friends with someone who didn't feel similarly.

All of this, but I wouldn't necessarily call kids of friends/cousins gift grabby. I think a lot of those invitations come from a place of not wanting to offend. I know we had a number of invitations that were formality. Certainly welcome, but formality.

 

[yoopermom]

You not only have to worry about the ones who don't RSVP, or the ones who show up unexpected, but you also have to worry about the ones who RSVP yes, but then don't show up. We went to a wedding this summer where the bride was extremely distressed because 24 people (four tables of six, so it was pretty obvious in the setup) RSVPed yes, and then didn't show. I felt terrible for her, not just because of the expense (which was a lot), but also because she felt as though they probably got a "better offer", and then didn't even call her to change their RSVP to a "no".

Good luck hunting them down, and hope the wedding goes wonderfully!

Terri

 

[shh]

Would it be socially unacceptable to turn people away on the day of if they didn’t rsvp?

I wouldn't turn them away - but I'd DEFINITELY make them feel a little awkward about just popping in without any notice...

"what a huge surprise to see you here - when we never received your RSVP or heard back, we assumed you couldn't make it."

"Let me check with the caterer to make sure we have enough food to accommodate two surprise guests...the budget didn't really allow for unexpected attendees"

 

[shh]

You not only have to worry about the ones who don't RSVP, or the ones who show up unexpected, but you also have to worry about the ones who RSVP yes, but then don't show up. We went to a wedding this summer where the bride was extremely distressed because 24 people (four tables of six, so it was pretty obvious in the setup) RSVPed yes, and then didn't show. I felt terrible for her, not just because of the expense (which was a lot), but also because she felt as though they probably got a "better offer", and then didn't even call her to change their RSVP to a "no".

Good luck hunting them down, and hope the wedding goes wonderfully!

Terri

And if I had to pay for those people and never heard a word from them re: being sick or something happening that legitimately prevented them from attending, you'd bet I'd write or email each one to say we missed them at the event - and that we were very disappointed in them for not taking 2-3 seconds out of their day to let us know they couldn't make it. The $<insert amount here - generously padded to sound even more impressive> that we paid for them came out of our very limited budget and had we known they couldn't make it, we could have afforded to invite others who did want to join us.

If more people would refuse to tolerate rudeness without at least attempting to embarrass or call out people who don't show any consideration for others, maybe fewer people would be so cavalier about it. Doing the above would have made me feel a lot better vs doing nothing and letting them think they did nothing wrong.

 

[BadPinkTink]

Its been interesting reading this thread. What struck is that maybe need to be aware that the senders main method of communication may not be the recipients main method of communication. Its like what I tell my marketing clients, you need to use the recipients main communication method.

When my sister got married, they sent out snail mail paper invitations to people they knew would mostly likely post back an RSVP. They also sent out online email invitations to people they knew would most likely respond online.

That way they covered both types of people and were able to co ordinate the RSVPS and numbers for the venue.

 

[kymom99]

Its been interesting reading this thread. What struck is that maybe need to be aware that the senders main method of communication may not be the recipients main method of communication. Its like what I tell my marketing clients, you need to use the recipients main communication method.

When my sister got married, they sent out snail mail paper invitations to people they knew would mostly likely post back an RSVP. They also sent out online email invitations to people they knew would most likely respond online.

That way they covered both types of people and were able to co ordinate the RSVPS and numbers for the venue.

I was thinking the same. Include the paper RSVP card and also give a way to respond via email, etc. When my brother got married they use a service that contacted guests for them. I thought it was strange myself but it helped track down the people who didn't bother to reply. This was before texting, etc would have been available. it was in 2000. They paid per plate and I think it was about $30 a person, which I thought was a lot back then!

My first wedding in 1989 was 250-300 guests in a church hall with a catered buffet. Things were much simpler then. We didn't ask for RSVPs if I recall correctly. We just ordered food based on who we invited. My second wedding in 1996 was at a restaurant in their banquet room for $10 a head. It was delicious. Roast beef, lasagna, etc. 75 guests. I did do RSVPs and paid per plate. But with a relatively small crowd, it wasn't hard to determine how many to expect. At work I hung up an invite and a piece of paper to sign for those who wanted to attend. It worked out just fine. We did run out of cake but that's ok. No one complained.