Wedding Invitation Wording

[Bluestars]

This is getting off topic for this thread (but is on topic for how the thread has morphed.) To go on record, I agree that a party host, including a wedding host, has the right to invite or not invite whomever they choose.

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

In our family a wedding *is* like a family reunion. I know not every family is like that and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just how it's done. I don't think most people even really think of it. I know I didn't. You put the family on the list, and then start making plans from there. I would be very surprised to get an invitation to a family wedding that didn't include the kids. I wouldn't throw a fit about it, but I would be surprised/disappointed.

This is how it's done in my family too. I like it this way. I would rather go to an inexpensive family wedding than a formal adults only wedding.

I would have no problem being invited to an adults only wedding and think the host absolutely gets to decide who to invite and draw lines.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is getting off topic for this thread (but is on topic for how the thread has morphed.) To go on record, I agree that a party host, including a wedding host, has the right to invite or not invite whomever they choose.

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

In our family a wedding *is* like a family reunion. I know not every family is like that and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just how it's done. I don't think most people even really think of it. I know I didn't. You put the family on the list, and then start making plans from there. I would be very surprised to get an invitation to a family wedding that didn't include the kids. I wouldn't throw a fit about it, but I would be surprised/disappointed.

I can totally understand how that might be the case in some families. Then again, only one person getting married is from your family with your traditions---it could be that the other half of the bridal couple has totally different ideas about what a wedding is. In some families, weddings are fancy adult occasions that all the grown ups look forward to. If the couple represents both of those family types, someone is going to be "disappointed"

And as someone else already pointed out, not everyone sees the couple coming together as meaning the family should. My own grandparents hardly knew one another and my parents are nice enough to my in laws (and vice versa) when there is a reason to communicate but I don't think my dad has even seen or spoken to my in laws since the day after our wedding 18 years ago. They do not dislike one another at all, but they live in separate places and have their own lives to keep up with, you know?

 

[Hrhpd]

So you are married or are getting married? Why would you not want your families to meet? After 17 years they have never met????

I am not that poster, but I can completely understand it.

My son's long term girlfriend's family and our family are so fundamentally different that there is absolutely no way there could be any blending. We are as far on one end of the spectrum politically, religiously and just about everything else as they are on the other end. Our son and his girlfriend joke that we are never allowed to meet. While we have actually met once or twice in the past 10 years and have been cordial to each other as our children are what is important, there will never be any hope of ever being friends let alone blending of families. We respect each other and each other's beliefs and we will be able to coexist and share our children's lives together, but there will never be the warm, fuzzy two families having barbecues together.

Our children's marriage will be a commitment between themselves and the vows they take to love each other and start their own family journey. In our case, it will have absolutely nothing to do with their parents.

I very much expect them to have an all adult, friends focused wedding.

 

[footballmouse]

The reason why I understood why my kids weren't invited to my friend's wedding is because it's a friend's wedding, not a family wedding. In our family, we all get invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, graduation parties, super bowl parties, baptisms, retirement parties and I thought weddings. I'm upset because all my other sister's and my brother's kids are invited except for mine. I feel like my kids are being left out of a family function because I happen to be the youngest therefore my kids are the youngest. It's like a previous poster said "14 is past the age of being disruptive". It's not like he's going to waste his food or run around on the dance floor getting in people's way. I could totally understand it they were 3 or 5, not 14 & 16.

My sister choose not to speak to me, one of our other sisters and our brother over the division of my dad's property after he died 4 years ago. Besides the casual "hi" or "thanks I saw that already" when I would send her notices that I received about old neighbors or whatever, that's about all she says to me. I highly doubt she wanted me invited to begin with but since they more or less had to invite me, the next thing would have been to leave my kids out which is exactly what I feel they are doing.

I'm not saying anything at the shower which I will be attending, paying for and bringing a gift. I am not going to the wedding because I would feel horrible that I'm having fun while my son is sitting at home by himself. Now, if other people on here could go have fun while their kid is home by themself, then good for you; I'm not that type of mom.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Now, if other people on here could go have fun while their kid is home by themself, then good for you; I'm not that type of mom.

Wow--seems a little insulting the way you phrased that, as if you look down on that type of mom.

I have 2 teens. They often go out and have fun without me, and sometimes I go out and have fun without them (though I think the balance is heavily in their favour).
Do you truly never go out and do something fun without your teenage kids?
Or ONLY if they have at least as fun plans as you do to entertain themselves?

Personally, I cannot imagine my life being micromanaged by my teens' schedules to that point--and it does not seem healthy--making my teens essentially responsible for whether I get to have fun or not.

And, of course, there is always the option to let your 14 year old invite some friends over, rent some movies and order pizza, or do some other fun things while you are at the wedding. He doesn't have to sit home feeling left out and hurt--but then you already planted that feeling by asking if he wanted to go to the wedding when you already knew he was not invited, instead of just telling him you had been invited, the wedding was adults only, and what would he like to do that evening while you are gone?

The reason why I understood why my kids weren't invited to my friend's wedding is because it's a friend's wedding, not a family wedding. In our family, we all get invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, graduation parties, super bowl parties, baptisms, retirement parties and I thought weddings. I'm upset because all my other sister's and my brother's kids are invited except for mine. I feel like my kids are being left out of a family function because I happen to be the youngest therefore my kids are the youngest. It's like a previous poster said "14 is past the age of being disruptive". It's not like he's going to waste his food or run around on the dance floor getting in people's way. I could totally understand it they were 3 or 5, not 14 & 16.

My sister choose not to speak to me, one of our other sisters and our brother over the division of my dad's property after he died 4 years ago. Besides the casual "hi" or "thanks I saw that already" when I would send her notices that I received about old neighbors or whatever, that's about all she says to me. I highly doubt she wanted me invited to begin with but since they more or less had to invite me, the next thing would have been to leave my kids out which is exactly what I feel they are doing.

I'm not saying anything at the shower which I will be attending, paying for and bringing a gift. I am not going to the wedding because I would feel horrible that I'm having fun while my son is sitting at home by himself. Now, if other people on here could go have fun while their kid is home by themself, then good for you; I'm not that type of mom.

Honestly, with the update, it sounds like there is a WHOLE lot of history here that was not in the OP and you are reading a lot into the invite which may or may not be there. Poor bride and groom, they are hardly mentioned in all the posts, as if they are an after thought at their own wedding--it is all about you, your son and your sister.

 

[footballmouse]

No, it's not all about me, my son and my sister. My nephew made the choice to exclude my kids and I am making the choice not to attend the wedding. There isn't a WHOLE lot of history anywhere. My sister wants to distance herself from 3 of her 4 siblings then that's her choice. I've gone on with my life. I find it hard to believe that inviting 2 of his cousins to his wedding would have busted the wedding budget. No need to ask me how I would know, they've been dating for 9 yrs, trust me we've heard all about her family throughout the years.

I do have fun without my kids but not when my kids could be attending. I don't plan my life around my kid's schedules or micromanage anyone's life. I'm also not looking down on anyone, those are your words not mine. Each one of us parents their kids differently, I enjoy doing things with my kids especially when I work 55 hrs a week. If there are parents who like to do things without their kids then fine. When I was married, we went out to dinner without the kids, they had fun with a babysitter. Life threw some changes our way and since it's just me and my kids, we like to do things together, especially since the older one hangs out with his girlfriend mostly. My 14 yr old doesn't have too many friends and the ones he does have I'm not fond of so I would really rather they not be at the house if I'm not there. Hopefully next month when school starts he's able to make some new friends.

I asked him if he really wanted to go because if he didn't then there wouldn't be a question about me going alone. If he did, and he does, then I would have brought him as my guest.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

OP, it's possible that the bride's side of the family includes a lot more small children than yours. Whereas not inviting anyone under 18 only excluded your two teens on the groom's side, it may have eliminated two dozen kids on her side. So yes, the decision could be strictly because of budget or not wanting disruptions and have absolutely nothing to do with targeting your kids only.

 

[NHdisneylover]

No, it's not all about me, my son and my sister. My nephew made the choice to exclude my kids and I am making the choice not to attend the wedding. There isn't a WHOLE lot of history anywhere. My sister wants to distance herself from 3 of her 4 siblings then that's her choice. I've gone on with my life. I find it hard to believe that inviting 2 of his cousins to his wedding would have busted the wedding budget. No need to ask me how I would know, they've been dating for 9 yrs, trust me we've heard all about her family throughout the years.

I do have fun without my kids but not when my kids could be attending. I don't plan my life around my kid's schedules or micromanage anyone's life. I'm also not looking down on anyone, those are your words not mine. Each one of us parents their kids differently, I enjoy doing things with my kids especially when I work 55 hrs a week. If there are parents who like to do things without their kids then fine. When I was married, we went out to dinner without the kids, they had fun with a babysitter. Life threw some changes our way and since it's just me and my kids, we like to do things together, especially since the older one hangs out with his girlfriend mostly. My 14 yr old doesn't have too many friends and the ones he does have I'm not fond of so I would really rather they not be at the house if I'm not there. Hopefully next month when school starts he's able to make some new friends.

I asked him if he really wanted to go because if he didn't then there wouldn't be a question about me going alone. If he did, and he does, then I would have brought him as my guest.

Sigh. Well, I am glad to read you do indeed "go have fun while (your) kid his home by (him)self" There was such a weird statement.

I still think it is weird and drama causing that you are choosing to interpret the wedding invitation as your nephew excluding just your kids and taking it personally, instead of as your nephew and his bride choosing to have an adults only wedding and it just happening that your kids are not adults yet.
Being upset about that, not attending when you would have otherwise because of it, and generally, apparently, holding grudges over such things seems like an overreaction and an unhealthy response to me.
It sounds like you are firm in your intent to feel slighted and signaled out though. That's too bad.

Based on what you say about other issues brewing as well, it's probably going to ruin not only YOUR relationships with your family, but now that you have set him up to see not being invited as a direct and personal slight (plus, being a kid he is not likely to get to other family functions unless you are going too), it might well sour your son's relationship as well---and you say he is lonely and lacking in friends, so losing more people will really stink for him.
I hope you consider the ramifications of how you present yourself and your decline very carefully before making a final decision.

 

[teller80]

One day your children will be planning their wedding, and they'll look back at this moment and think about eloping.

 

[gwynne]

The reason why I understood why my kids weren't invited to my friend's wedding is because it's a friend's wedding, not a family wedding. In our family, we all get invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, graduation parties, super bowl parties, baptisms, retirement parties and I thought weddings. I'm upset because all my other sister's and my brother's kids are invited except for mine. I feel like my kids are being left out of a family function because I happen to be the youngest therefore my kids are the youngest. It's like a previous poster said "14 is past the age of being disruptive". It's not like he's going to waste his food or run around on the dance floor getting in people's way. I could totally understand it they were 3 or 5, not 14 & 16.

My sister choose not to speak to me, one of our other sisters and our brother over the division of my dad's property after he died 4 years ago. Besides the casual "hi" or "thanks I saw that already" when I would send her notices that I received about old neighbors or whatever, that's about all she says to me. I highly doubt she wanted me invited to begin with but since they more or less had to invite me, the next thing would have been to leave my kids out which is exactly what I feel they are doing.

I'm not saying anything at the shower which I will be attending, paying for and bringing a gift. I am not going to the wedding because I would feel horrible that I'm having fun while my son is sitting at home by himself. Now, if other people on here could go have fun while their kid is home by themself, then good for you; I'm not that type of mom.

I believe the reason your under 18 aged teens weren't invited is because the bride and groom are planning an adult wedding.
Certainly if it's your tradition that family events include everyone, that's great. I would hope there is some gentle understanding and tolerance for a bride and groom that are planning their wedding. A wedding is very different than a 4th of July picnic, or a bowling party.
I think you have to work out how you deal with your Dad's passing and the division of the property yourself. I can tell you that sometimes the emotional energy it takes to be upset over things like that can be draining.

Now, onto mom types. I absolutely was (when my kids were at home) the type of mom who could have fun without my kids. Part of being a mom is teaching kids about how the world works, and their place in it. Kids need to know they can handle a little disappointment. They also need to learn that being respectful of boundaries is just part of life. Not every situation is all about them. The really good thing about learning these types of lessons is that it increases a teen's resiliency. Helping a child or teen understand this is a kindness to them. Disappointment and boundaries don't stop at 18. It's a part of life. They can handle this, and I think it's part of the mom job to help teach them they are able.

 

[Minniesgal]

It is conversations like this that make me glad we eloped.

A weding is fundamentally about 2 people the Bride and Groom. Anyone who is invited to share is privileged and should behave accordingly. Noone is entitled to be invited.

 

[NewRVLady]

The reason why I understood why my kids weren't invited to my friend's wedding is because it's a friend's wedding, not a family wedding. In our family, we all get invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, graduation parties, super bowl parties, baptisms, retirement parties and I thought weddings. I'm upset because all my other sister's and my brother's kids are invited except for mine. I feel like my kids are being left out of a family function because I happen to be the youngest therefore my kids are the youngest. .

in that case, I can understand your hurt

However, we have a few looney first cousins who are purposely not invited to son's wedding this fall

My son is getting married and is a lot younger than one group of his male cousins(3) on DH's side. they are married with grown kids almost his age-they live in another city-we don't see them anymore. Son doesnt want them there-and they are not invited (their parents-DH's brother -died young from mismanaged Diabetes and drug abuse)

-The oldest is a loud mouth, know it all who openly smokes (and sells pot)-Dh can not stand him.
-the middle one(already 2x divorced) got a girl (15 years younger pregnant) and now have a 1 year old. This kid has been to the Er, had a drug test and got an MRI(pics on Facebook) because "he was walking funny and they weren't sure if he got into their "prescriptions"...the Mother of the baby stole pain meds from my MIL when they went there looking to borrow $$, and dropped the F bomb on my SIL on Facebook ..she has Borderline Personality Disorder

 

[Dizlvr]

The reason why I understood why my kids weren't invited to my friend's wedding is because it's a friend's wedding, not a family wedding. In our family, we all get invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, graduation parties, super bowl parties, baptisms, retirement parties and I thought weddings. I'm upset because all my other sister's and my brother's kids are invited except for mine. I feel like my kids are being left out of a family function because I happen to be the youngest therefore my kids are the youngest. It's like a previous poster said "14 is past the age of being disruptive". It's not like he's going to waste his food or run around on the dance floor getting in people's way. I could totally understand it they were 3 or 5, not 14 & 16.

I find it ironic that "you could see" if they were little kids, but that you can't "see" that your kids are not adults and it sounds like the bride and groom have decided to not invite anyone under a certain age. You seem to want a special exception because your kid won't be disruptive and waste his food. How about just respecting the decision of the bride and groom and not taking it as a personal affront against you because you happen to be the youngest and have young kids.

Actually maybe they are onto something about you being the youngest, because you are acting pretty immature about this.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I am not going to the wedding because I would feel horrible that I'm having fun while my son is sitting at home by himself. Now, if other people on here could go have fun while their kid is home by themself, then good for you; I'm not that type of mom.

I most be the most awful mom of all time. In January I left my 18 month old daughter at home for a long weekend when my husband and I took our teen nieces to WDW. And just this past Sunday we left our daughter at home with my mother in law while we went out at had fun at a movie. GASP!

I can totally understand being hurt that your teen son isn't invited. But your reasoning is that you can't imagine going out and having fun while he would be "stuck at home" is just ridiculous.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I most be the most awful mom of all time. In January I left my 18 month old daughter at home for a long weekend when my husband and I took our teen nieces to WDW. And just this past Sunday we left our daughter at home with my mother in law while we went out at had fun at a movie. GASP!

I can totally understand being hurt that your teen son isn't invited. But your reasoning is that you can't imagine going out and having fun while he would be "stuck at home" is just ridiculous.

I agree with you. My wife and I have been out many, many times while our children stayed home. When did this become a bad thing?

 

[sk!mom]

Divorced, so I'll be going by myself. I work a lot and my 14 yr old stays home by himself a lot. He was looking forward to going to the wedding and I'm not going to have him sit at home by himself while I'm at a family wedding. I was going to put him down as my guest, if I can't then I won't be going.

In that case, I see no problem in taking him as your plus 1. 14 isn't a child so I wouldn't even bother to ask. I would assume that I could bring a guest of my choice. I would make sure that he conducted himself as an adult.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Can't he have a friend spend the night with pizza and video games that way you are both having fun

 

[scrapquitler]

OP, it's possible that the bride's side of the family includes a lot more small children than yours. Whereas not inviting anyone under 18 only excluded your two teens on the groom's side, it may have eliminated two dozen kids on her side. So yes, the decision could be strictly because of budget or not wanting disruptions and have absolutely nothing to do with targeting your kids only.

This is what happened with our wedding. My in laws were upset that I didn't include the one cousin who lived locally that was about 5 or 6 at the time on their side. "It's just ONE child" they said. Yes, she was just one child, but they didn't realize that there were about 8 or 10 on my side of the family (never mind the out of town children that I wouldn't have been able to avoid inviting if the rest were all invited). Once you start adding ONE, suddenly there are several others that have to be included as well. And not every venue gives a children's price. If I had invited those children, it would have been at the same full price that I was paying for the adults (and including open bar). Had I invited all the children, it would have been about 15 extra people, and the venue we used had a hard limit of how many people could be in the room. I would have had to exclude adults in favor of children, and that was NOT going to happen.

In the end, the only 'children' that were at our wedding we my brothers and my DH's brother, who were all in the wedding party (and who were 14, 15 and 19 at the time).

 

[Hrhpd]

No, it's not all about me, my son and my sister. My nephew made the choice to exclude my kids and I am making the choice not to attend the wedding. There isn't a WHOLE lot of history anywhere. My sister wants to distance herself from 3 of her 4 siblings then that's her choice. I've gone on with my life. I find it hard to believe that inviting 2 of his cousins to his wedding would have busted the wedding budget. No need to ask me how I would know, they've been dating for 9 yrs, trust me we've heard all about her family throughout the years.

I do have fun without my kids but not when my kids could be attending. I don't plan my life around my kid's schedules or micromanage anyone's life. I'm also not looking down on anyone, those are your words not mine. Each one of us parents their kids differently, I enjoy doing things with my kids especially when I work 55 hrs a week. If there are parents who like to do things without their kids then fine. When I was married, we went out to dinner without the kids, they had fun with a babysitter. Life threw some changes our way and since it's just me and my kids, we like to do things together, especially since the older one hangs out with his girlfriend mostly. My 14 yr old doesn't have too many friends and the ones he does have I'm not fond of so I would really rather they not be at the house if I'm not there. Hopefully next month when school starts he's able to make some new friends.

I asked him if he really wanted to go because if he didn't then there wouldn't be a question about me going alone. If he did, and he does, then I would have brought him as my guest.

But his cousins are all over 21 per your previous posts. They are well into adulthood. What is the venue? Some, not many but some, venues actually do have age limits. For instance, a nightclub which normally has a 21 age limit may have given them a better price if they guaranteed nobody under 21 attended. If you were to change your mind and decide to bring your 14 year old as a +1, I would definitely verify that he would be allowed in the venue first.

I have no problem with you declining the invite as I am a firm believer that brides and grooms get to invite who they want, but that an invite is not a summons and a guest may decline for any reason.

However, setting your son up for disappointment is beyond unbelievable. It seems very petty. I am sorry, but there is no way to explain away asking a 14 year old if they want to go to their cousin's wedding and then when he answers yes, say "oh, well you are not invited, so sorry." The only explanation is that it was done maliciously to drag the son into the drama and get him to be mad at his cousin for not inviting him.

I can see two girlfriends gossiping and the girlfriend agreeing and being as miffed as you are at the bridal couple, but your 14 year old son is not your confidant and setting him up for disappointment and forcing him to take sides like that was uncalled for.

 

[sk!mom]

I SOOOO love this!!!

My cousin invited all her 15 first cousins and spouses to her DD's wedding-that is 30 people
none of the kids( they would be 2nd cousins to bride-she hasn't met most of them )
huge wedding-both sets of parents divorced and remarried so 4 guests lists!
My brother(whom I don't speak to) and wife showed up with their 25 year old son(who lived with them and NEVER EVEN met the bride!!!)
I said"I didn't think the kids were invited"
OMG-I set off WW3...lol
they live in a small town and told me ANY invitation to their house was for Everyone in their house and they never hear of the concept of the inside envelope-which only had mr & mrs on it
we emaild for days-I sent quotes from Emily Post
It was CRAZZZYYYY.

Perfect example of how weddings turn stressful. People stir the pot and start c***.

Why did you cause an issue and create a problem? If anyone wanted to question them bringing an extra, it was up to the hosts only. And even they would have been wise, IMO, to let it go in the interest of a peaceful wedding day.