Wedding Invitation Wording

[clori]

While I did have some kids at my wedding they were all family. I invited a coworker who had two preschoolers. I did invite her husband but not her kids. After she got the invitation she asked me if I could clarify that her kids were not invited because it was the first wedding she got invited to after having kids. I nicely explained that I just couldn't invite all the kids. Suddenly she started jumping out up and down happily yelling. It was a Sunday night wedding and her mom had already told her that her kids were not invited and the mother would keep them overnight. Her husband promised to be a designated driver so it was the first time in a few years she could go out without the kids and have a drink. She thanked me many times both before and after the wedding.

I also had another friend with a 12 year old son. I was asked if he could come to the ceremony (he wanted to see a Jewish wedding). It worked out well in that I asked if he would hang out in one of our hotel rooms and possibly watch my young nephew if needed. He much preferred that to a reception and asked if he could have McDonalds which was near the hotel so it was perfect.

 

[Dread Pirate]

I had to laugh at this comment. I'm a nurse on a surgical floor. Just a couple weeks ago, I had a patient with the same name as my uncle. It's a somewhat common last name around here, but even the first name was the same. I even commented on it. Hours later, his mother came to visit: My aunt, who I recognized immediately. OY, my patient was my cousin, and we didn't recognize each other at all.

Sounds familiar.

My daughter (about 12 or so at the time) and I were in the grocery store in our county of about 15,000 people. A man keep looking at us, smiling. It was a little weird. DD didn't know who he was, and I didn't know who he was, so we just keep feeling weirded out by the strange guy that keep watching us.

Finally, the guy came up and said Hi. He said he could tell I had no idea who he was, but he's my first cousin Dale. Ohhh, hadn't seen him in about 18 years. I told him I just thought he was a creepy old guy. LOL

I'm the youngest of the cousins on that side, and he's just a few years younger than my mother. I have more first cousins than just about anyone I've ever met, and on mom's side, quite a few of them have kids my age.

 

[design_mom]

This is getting off topic for this thread (but is on topic for how the thread has morphed.) To go on record, I agree that a party host, including a wedding host, has the right to invite or not invite whomever they choose.

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

In our family a wedding *is* like a family reunion. I know not every family is like that and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just how it's done. I don't think most people even really think of it. I know I didn't. You put the family on the list, and then start making plans from there. I would be very surprised to get an invitation to a family wedding that didn't include the kids. I wouldn't throw a fit about it, but I would be surprised/disappointed.

 

[bethy]

This is getting off topic for this thread (but is on topic for how the thread has morphed.) To go on record, I agree that a party host, including a wedding host, has the right to invite or not invite whomever they choose.

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

In our family a wedding *is* like a family reunion. I know not every family is like that and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just how it's done. I don't think most people even really think of it. I know I didn't. You put the family on the list, and then start making plans from there. I would be very surprised to get an invitation to a family wedding that didn't include the kids. I wouldn't throw a fit about it, but I would be surprised/disappointed.

You explained this viewpoint better than I ever did. Weddings and Funerals. Yep!

 

[gwynne]

This is getting off topic for this thread (but is on topic for how the thread has morphed.) To go on record, I agree that a party host, including a wedding host, has the right to invite or not invite whomever they choose.

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

In our family a wedding *is* like a family reunion. I know not every family is like that and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just how it's done. I don't think most people even really think of it. I know I didn't. You put the family on the list, and then start making plans from there. I would be very surprised to get an invitation to a family wedding that didn't include the kids. I wouldn't throw a fit about it, but I would be surprised/disappointed.

Certainly your view is one way to look at weddings. It's no better or no worse than someone who would prefer to have an adult only wedding. (Or elope, for that matter.) The great thing is, it's 2015. Hopefully folks are willing to respect the wishes of the bridal couple. After all, the wedding is about the promises they are making to one another. It's a very special day in their lives. Surely we can let them decide. If they'd like to have a large event with lots of kids, great. If they'd like to have something smaller, more adult, great.

Personally, I don't like to see a lot of gossip, discussion or judging about the bridal couple's choices. It's really not a nice way to "welcome" anyone into any family.
In the end, it's their wedding, their choice. The guests can always accept graciously or decline graciously.

 

[Bec3b1g]

Personally, I don't like to see a lot of gossip, discussion or judging about the bridal couple's choices. It's really not a nice way to "welcome" anyone into any family.
In the end, it's their wedding, their choice. The guests can always accept graciously or decline graciously.

Really agree

 

[Adelle Dazeem]

We had an adults only wedding back in 2003. I didn't invite my male cousin who was a teenager at the time. There was no issue with that...or so I thought. Eleven years later, when he got married, everyone in my family was invited to the wedding...except me. Yes, he held a grudge for over a fricking decade. It was laughable. My mom called her sister (his mom) to clarify and my aunt got very short with her about how their entire family was extremely hurt and upset that I had excluded cousin from my wedding and now it was their turn. I honestly didn't care about going to the wedding - saved me travel and gift expenses. I was hurt though as this *was* my closest and favorite aunt. I had seen her multiple times since my wedding - even vacationed together - and she never mentioned that their feelings were hurt. Instead they held onto this resentment and just waited to "get me back". Hell, I wish they would have just made a phone call to either me or my mother back in 2003 and asked about my cousin attending. I would have had no issue with him coming and honestly thought I was doing him a favor by not making him feel obligated to attend.

 

[meowser]

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

But this isn't an absolute either. For me, a wedding (or getting married) isn't about joining of families. It's about creating our own family. In fact DH and I consider it to be a very private affair which is why we eloped (we're also don't like being the center of attention). We then had a family dinner for immediate family a couple of months later (which was only 13 people total).

That being said, I think tradition for my family (both sides) and my husband's family (both sides) is that family gets invited to weddings, including the kids. As someone pointed out, weddings are considered the joining of two families, so the families are invited. You host what you can afford for the group, and if that's punch and cake in the basement of the church, nobody's going to look down on you. On the flip side, in my family, you are expected to attend family events -- particularly weddings and funerals -- unless you have a really good reason. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I am saying that I know all of my cousins and my great-great aunts (may they all rest in peace) and my second cousins, and even my first-cousins-twice-removed because I see them at things like weddings and funerals*. I don't think we've ever had something called a family reunion. *On my dad's side, age-wise, I am right between my youngest cousin and my oldest cousin's son, so there's a wide age range in our family too.

In our family a wedding *is* like a family reunion. I know not every family is like that and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just how it's done. I don't think most people even really think of it. I know I didn't. You put the family on the list, and then start making plans from there. I would be very surprised to get an invitation to a family wedding that didn't include the kids. I wouldn't throw a fit about it, but I would be surprised/disappointed.

My mom would love you for that statement! Her big wedding rant is that it's supposed to be a slightly fancier version of your regular socializing and hosting.

For all that I said that I personally view a wedding as a private occasion for me, this is true about my family. You make every effort to attend the weddings you are invited to. I wasn't invited to 2 cousins weddings so I didn't attend. Had I been invited, I would have made every effort to attend.

 

[cybrkitn]

Sorry, this just made me laugh. the "we chose" wording at the beginning, only to find out the poor DH really had no say lol. But hey, at least he came around.

I also find it funny how some people exaggerate so much; an adult only wedding becomes "snubbing of close family members because the bride and groom are selfish", yet inviting kids is "worshiping children and making it all about them". Egads.

Some people view weddings as a coming together of families, and so therefore it only makes sense the whole family is invited and is more of a family reunion atmosphere. Other people look at it more like strictly joining of the bride and groom and their vision for the day that they want. And some want something falling right in between...More power to them.

Everyone's entitled to do what they want, but if someone has the opposite world view of course there will be conflicts. You can't do ANYTHING with that number of people without there being conflict of some kind so why should a wedding be any different. (My office can't even organize a pot luck without someone getting their noise out of joint about something).

However, my advice to OP would be to just go the wedding and leave your son at home. My rule is, if you have to call and ask for an exception, that is a clue that you are doing the wrong thing lol.

LOL. Well, in the beginning we did talk about it then came to an agreement about the cut-off age. On the 18th of this month, we will be together for a total of 28 years. In September, we will be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary.

DH did tell me a story of a wedding reception he attended when he was a kid. Most of the kids were running around and getting in the way of the catering staff. One child did cause one of the servers to drop the food they were carrying. There were other problems during that reception on both the groom's side of the family and the bride's. I guess it was a sign of things to come, b/c DH told me their marriage eventually ended in divorce. I'm not saying all receptions where kids attend are like this. But there are the occasional ones that do.

 

[gwynne]

We had an adults only wedding back in 2003. I didn't invite my male cousin who was a teenager at the time. There was no issue with that...or so I thought. Eleven years later, when he got married, everyone in my family was invited to the wedding...except me. Yes, he held a grudge for over a fricking decade. It was laughable. My mom called her sister (his mom) to clarify and my aunt got very short with her about how their entire family was extremely hurt and upset that I had excluded cousin from my wedding and now it was their turn. I honestly didn't care about going to the wedding - saved me travel and gift expenses. I was hurt though as this *was* my closest and favorite aunt. I had seen her multiple times since my wedding - even vacationed together - and she never mentioned that their feelings were hurt. Instead they held onto this resentment and just waited to "get me back". Hell, I wish they would have just made a phone call to either me or my mother back in 2003 and asked about my cousin attending. I would have had no issue with him coming and honestly thought I was doing him a favor by not making him feel obligated to attend.

Oh, my. I tend to think this pot wasn't initially stirred by the teenager. I think maybe his Mom made a humongous ta-do, and it rolled on from there.
Sheesh. Nothing like a nice long grudge, carefully nurtured through the years.
I'm sorry that happened to you Adelle.

 

[Bec3b1g]

We had an adults only wedding back in 2003. I didn't invite my male cousin who was a teenager at the time. There was no issue with that...or so I thought. Eleven years later, when he got married, everyone in my family was invited to the wedding...except me. Yes, he held a grudge for over a fricking decade. It was laughable. My mom called her sister (his mom) to clarify and my aunt got very short with her about how their entire family was extremely hurt and upset that I had excluded cousin from my wedding and now it was their turn. I honestly didn't care about going to the wedding - saved me travel and gift expenses. I was hurt though as this *was* my closest and favorite aunt. I had seen her multiple times since my wedding - even vacationed together - and she never mentioned that their feelings were hurt. Instead they held onto this resentment and just waited to "get me back". Hell, I wish they would have just made a phone call to either me or my mother back in 2003 and asked about my cousin attending. I would have had no issue with him coming and honestly thought I was doing him a favor by not making him feel obligated to attend.

This sounds like something that would happen in my family. People can really hold onto grudges. Where does that come from? I don't get it.

 

[gwynne]

But this isn't an absolute either. For me, a wedding (or getting married) isn't about joining of families. It's about creating our own family.

I agree. We had a simple family wedding. For the record, kids were fine. But, that day wasn't about joining families. It was about the precious promises we were making to one another. And 35 years later, I still feel the same way.

 

[Bec3b1g]

Both my and DH's parents are divorced and each has remarried/repartnered.

It's not always a simple case of the joining together of 2 families. We had 4 families involved.

 

[design_mom]

Certainly your view is one way to look at weddings. It's no better or no worse than someone who would prefer to have an adult only wedding. (Or elope, for that matter.) The great thing is, it's 2015. Hopefully folks are willing to respect the wishes of the bridal couple. After all, the wedding is about the promises they are making to one another. It's a very special day in their lives. Surely we can let them decide. If they'd like to have a large event with lots of kids, great. If they'd like to have something smaller, more adult, great.

Personally, I don't like to see a lot of gossip, discussion or judging about the bridal couple's choices. It's really not a nice way to "welcome" anyone into any family.
In the end, it's their wedding, their choice. The guests can always accept graciously or decline graciously.

I thought I was very clear that I understood that not all families view it/do it the way mine does -- and neither is right or wrong. I think I specifically said that the hosts have the right to make the decision. And I don't quite see how saying I'd be surprised if my whole family wasn't invited to a wedding my family hosted (because that's what's traditional in my family) equates to gossiping or judging the couple?

 

[gwynne]

Both my and DH's parents are divorced and each has remarried/repartnered.

It's not always a simple case of the joining together of 2 families. We had 4 families involved.

We were dealing with some of that too. It's not easy. I'm not sure the families always understand how that adds to the stress. It's sort of underlying, isn't it?
I loved our wedding. But I'm pretty sure I would have loved to elope, too.

 

[Adelle Dazeem]

Oh, my. I tend to think this pot wasn't initially stirred by the teenager. I think maybe his Mom made a humongous ta-do, and it rolled on from there.
Sheesh. Nothing like a nice long grudge, carefully nurtured through the years.
I'm sorry that happened to you Adelle.

Yeah - the first clue we had that ANYTHING was amiss was when my mom got an invitation to cousin's wedding and asked if I had gotten mine yet. I told her no and we figured it would be there in the next couple of days. Well, 4-5 days went by and nothing. That's when it hit me and I told my mom that I bet her anything I wasn't invited and reminderd her that I didn't invite cousin as he was a teenager at the time of my wedding. She told me I was being ridiculous and she called her sister to inquire. Well, I was right! LOL I was actually quite amused by the whole thing. All I told my mom was that if anyone asked where I was, she tell them the truth about me not being invited. That way it would only reflect on Aunt and Cousin and not me. After the wedding, my mom said that a few people sent me their love, but everyone seemed to already know why I wasn't there...it's just bizarre and, sadly, I am nowhere near as close as I used to be with my aunt or my other cousin, her daughter who was always like a sister to me. Now we really don't talk either...

 

[TipsyTraveler]

We've avoided these problems by not inviting anyone to our wedding. Lol.

After almost 17 years together we still haven't introduced the two sides of the family and I don't foresee that changing, so it definitely has nothing to do with joining two families for us. Our reasons for getting married are:

1) Our unmarried status has us paying an extra $XX,XXX in taxes that we won't have to pay once we're married.
2) He has better health insurance than I do and getting married is the cheapest and easiest way to get me on that plan.

Romantic, right?

 

[NewRVLady]

TipsyTraveler- my future DIL is thrilled to be on my sons insurance
She can now work a much better schedule at hospital as free lance nurse

 

[pat fan]

We've avoided these problems by not inviting anyone to our wedding. Lol.

After almost 17 years together we still haven't introduced the two sides of the family and I don't foresee that changing, so it definitely has nothing to do with joining two families for us. Our reasons for getting married are:

1) Our unmarried status has us paying an extra $XX,XXX in taxes that we won't have to pay once we're married.
2) He has better health insurance than I do and getting married is the cheapest and easiest way to get me on that plan.

So you are married or are getting married? Why would you not want your families to meet? After 17 years they have never met????

 

[TipsyTraveler]

So you are married or are getting married? Why would you not want your families to meet? After 17 years they have never met????

We're getting married in six weeks. I love my in-laws too much to subject them to my crazy parents.