wedding in a church- so utterly clueless

[serendipity]

Hi everyone,

I'm getting married this May and it is very important to my family that I be married in a catholic church. I know nothing of church. I received my communion and that was the end of my attendence. My family does not go to church either, which makes me feel like they're silly for wanting me to be married in a church. I, however, always wanted a traditional wedding and would like to be married in a catholic church but I have no idea how to go about it. My fiancee hates organized religion. His background is half jewish and half catholic yet he has never received communion or a bar mitzvah. I called the local church and they kind of gave me an attitude and said we both would have to go to pre cana (???). I don't know if i would have to receive confirmation and if so what goes into that? Is pre cana religious? If so I know my fiancee won't go to it. I just don't know what to do. We're having a very simple reception just at a restaurant with 20 ppl in a private area. If I cannot get married in a church and don't want to be married at the town hall do I have any other options? How much does a church wedding cost? Someone please help me!!!!!

 

[lil mermaid]

The question is, do YOU want to get married in church?

 

[caitycaity]

of course you have other options! there are many jop's and ministers who will perform ceremonies outside of places of worship (though this wouldn't be a catholic ceremony).

i agree with the previous post who said the real question is do you want to get married in a church, though.

My family does not go to church either, which makes me feel like they're silly for wanting me to be married in a church.

i agree - i think your family is being silly.

 

[korzmom]

how about attending sunday mass a few times and actually see if you like the catholic church..a wedding is pretty much the same as mass just with the vows in between..you both would probably have to attend classes first, so you better ask the priest about that asap.
congrats on your upcoming wedding!

 

[CEDmom]

Based on what you've written I don't think the Catholic Church wedding would be for you. Pre-Cana is religious. They talk a lot about your relationship as it revolves around the church, about children and natural family planning etc. Pre-Cana does cost $ but it's not a lot - maybe $50. The church may have a set fee or just ask for a donation, but it will cost something.

You might want to rethink getting married somewhere non-religious and maybe have a judge or low key minister marry you.

Also, many Catholic churches require that you or your family be members in good standing in order to be married. This has to do more with giving $ on a regular basis than actually attending church.

If no one in either family goes to church than what's their reason for wanting this? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

[mtrak17]

I can't really imagine this working out for you I know churches around here require you be a member in good standing for at least six months (or more) before you can even schedule a church wedding. You have to meet with the pastor and he'll ask you questions about why you want to be married in a Catholic church, etc. If your fiance is against all of this, then I really can't see you even getting approval to schedule a wedding in a Catholic church...It is a religion, after all, and not like booking a Hall or something for a reception. They don't have to approve someone they don't think is serious about the religion, so I think you may have problems. Sounds like something else would be more meaningful for you both, anyways...

 

[phorsenuf]

My son is getting married this Saturday in a local community church. We are not members. We actually are members at a Baptist church. I spoke with the Pastor at the Communtiy Church and he said they do alot of weddings for non-members. He does like to meet with the couple a couple of times before the wedding to share his views on marriage. Whether they care to listen or not is up to them! LOL
So this way they can get married in a church without to much trouble of balancing out all the different religions.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

From just what you've written, i honestly dont think the Catholic Church wedding is for you guys. It is a very religious sacrament, and should be done because you are practicing Catholics.

 

[Christine]

If your Catholic Church is anything like the ones around here, they probably won't marry you.

My cousin was not confirmed and she pretty much had to jump through hoops to have all that done before she got married.

My friend and her husband were both Catholic but the husband refused to go to Pre-Cana and so the priest would not marry them.

I think that you can expect to have to go to Pre-Cana and probably you, yourself, will need confirmation. They will probably try to "work" on your fiancee but will probably let it go as long as you follow the rules.

 

[Crankyshank]

Most Catholic Churches that I know of won't marry you unless you are a member of a Catholic Church (preferably theirs), and have attended pre Cana courses (basically classes that teach you how to be a loving Catholic family). It's a lot of time, and in some cases expense, to invest in something just because your family wants it. The Catholic Church takes matrimony very seriously because it's a Sacrament to them.

There's plenty of ministers and justices of the peace that will perform the ceremony at your place of choosing. There's also UU churches if you want something less religious but still a place of worship.

Honestly? Unless your family is paying for a significant portion of the wedding they should be keeping their mouths shut. It's your and your fiance's day and you shouldn't be going out of your way to do something religious just to please your family.

 

[ceiligh1]

I wont speak to a catholic wedding since I am not a member of that faith but it does seem that you might want to look at other options as well. My DH did not want to get married in my church but being married by a minister was important to me. So we hired a childhood friend of his who was a minister to marry us at a national historic landmark. I have also been to weddings in city parks, national parks, college buildings, you name it and you can have a religious or non religious wedding anywhere you can rent. Look around maybe you will find a place or a building that means a lot to you and your DF.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I can't really imagine this working out for you I know churches around here require you be a member in good standing for at least six months (or more) before you can even schedule a church wedding. You have to meet with the pastor and he'll ask you questions about why you want to be married in a Catholic church, etc. If your fiance is against all of this, then I really can't see you even getting approval to schedule a wedding in a Catholic church...It is a religion, after all, and not like booking an American Legion Hall or something for a reception. They don't have to approve someone they don't think is serious about the religion, so I think you may have problems. Sounds like something else would be more meaningful for you both, anyways...

Also I think you usually have to reserve the church a year out.

You should of seen the hoops I had to jump though to get my two kids baptized in August. I am not catholic but dh is.

As another option.. I got married by a mayor under a gazebo at a local park.

 

[disykat]

Church weddings are religious. There's really no way around that. You can get married just about anywhere. Many people do it at the same venue they have the reception.

 

[EthansMom]

While I was raised Catholic, I was non-practicing at the time of my marriage. My DH was raised Jahovas Witness, does not care for organized religion, and could best be described as agnostic. Personally, I felt it would be hypocritical to be married in the Catholic church. We were married in WA State, where any judge can also perform wedding ceremonies. We had our wedding ceremony at the hotel where we had our reception -- it was quite lovely.

My brother (also a non-practicing Catholic) was married six months later to a non-Catholic in a Catholic church. They had to attend Pre Cana and my SIL had to provide a baptism certificate from her church (had to be one of the "approved" protestant churches). Several of the readings brother and SIL had chosen seemed oddly out-of-place in the ceremony -- when questioned, my brother admitted they had just picked the shortest readings on the list.

Personally, I think that your wedding should be comfortable for and reflect the personalities of yourself and your fiance.

Best of Luck!

 

[swea_pea1]

I'd have to check my Catechism, but I don't believe a couple can be married in the Church unless either the bride or groom is confirmed. Even though you'd do that on your own, it's much more "work" than the pre-Cana classes. Our pre-Cana was only one weekend of instruction so not a big deal. As others have mentioned, you also usually need to be a Catholic in good standing - which in neither my case nor my DH's case was tied to the amount of money we contributed to the Church. We were both members of our respective parishes since birth so they knew us without the envelopes. YMMV

Every parish has their own guidance when getting married. We had to declare our intention 6 months before the wedding and had a quick meeting with our priest. In our case, we were told that if we were living together (we weren't), we were not eligible to be married. The same priest married my brother and his wife years later even though they were living together - different circumstances since they had 5 children between the two of them. In that same meeting, we were also told that my DH needed to give them a copy of his baptismal certificate, which includes records of his First Communion, Reconciliation, and Confirmation.

If this is really what YOU want, then I'd suggest having an initial meeting with the priest to discuss. You'll have a better idea of what is expected of you and your fiance.

 

[Hannathy]

You get married in a church because you believe in what it stands for not its architecture, it is not a building you rent out. That said if you present your situation to the priest as you have presented it here i don't think you have a chance of getting married in the church. My best friend was married in a Catholic service. She was raised in a very religous and active in the church family but Presbytrian (sp) and in order to be married by the priest she had to attend classes and they had to attend classes as a couple and she had to agree to raise their children as Catholics.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since your fiancee is against organized religion, getting married in a Catholic Church is pretty much "out". Also if you do not go to church, it will hold no warm feelings for you. More than likely you will feel like an outsider.

I would go with a regular ceremony with a JP somewhere. You could really have some fun with it! Make a memory that you and your future DH will cherish together!

 

[imsayin]

I got married at the reception hall by a judge, reception followed immediately. There are non-church options. Neither DH or I are religious and I strongly felt is was hypocritical to get married in a church. Yes, there were family members that would have liked us to be in a church, but there were others that agreed that our decision made sense.

 

[Cass]

I was married in a Catholic church and attended the classes prior (required). I have to tell you it was VERY strange having this Priest talking to us about sex - considering he's celebate. (I assume)

I didn't like that whole part of it but the church & ceremony were lovely.

 

[helenabear]

I really don't think you should persue getting married in the Catholic Church unless that is what *YOU* want!

My sister got married in a lovely biotanical garden. It was a great setting. My brother was married in an historical house in our city. I was married in the Catholic Church.

We all chose the settings we wanted because that was what *WE* felt comfortable with and marrying in.

I am not sure that any/many Catholic churches would want to marry a couple who only is going there because of the family.