Wedding Etiquette question (long rant)

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by RUDisney
For those who wanted an adult only reception, what was your mode of thinking that made you decide this? We had everyone at our reception and everyone had a great time. No wedding that I've ever attended had any trouble because kids were there.

I'm not trying to flame, because I really believe in to each his own. I'm just trying to understand why an adult only reception? It can't be due to cost because hot dogs and chicken nuggets don't cost that much... not like the adult dinners.

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When my DD got married she requested an "adult only" reception.. The cost of the children's meals were quite close to that of the adults - and....................................

My DH had 68 neices and nephews at the time - and that's not even counting MY side of the family..

However, in this circumstance, considering the travel time, the poster being pg, having to purchase a suit for her son JUST for these photos, etc., - I would say, "Sorry, we can't do it..."

 

[vald1977]

Besides the fact that it is INSANE to ask someone to drive back and forth that kind of distance, I can't understand how your sil can not see that this plan will hurt the kid's feelings. You say your son knows about weddings and how there is a party after. Surely the 12 year olds know this too. How selfish of your sil to want them there for pictures only. They have to get all dressed up and then have to leave because the cost of feeding them (or whatever the rationale) is not worth their presence at the reception? That's just plain mean.

I can understand why people choose to have adults-only weddings if you are talking about a huge amount of kids and know that some of them may not be well-behaved. Everyone is entitled to their own decision. But, if you are only talking about a couple of kids here, what is the big deal in letting them come to the reception?

 

[Otto's Doll]

We had an adults only wedding 12 years ago. We had 15 neices and nephews at the time, and most were quite young then. We had our wedding at the Officer's club, and just weren't comfortable with the idea of that many kids running around. And to be totally honest, not all of them were well behaved (not to say my own two always are, that is for sure!). We had an early wedding (10:00am) and the reception followed at 12:00pm. That gave people time to check on their kids if they liked. Our reception was over by 5pm, and most people seemed okay with it. I had one SIL who told another SIL that if she wanted to bring her daughter, she darn well was going too, whether I liked it or not. Thank goodness she didn't. I do have to say that my brother did not attend because of this. We talked about it later, and fences were mended.
Oh, I have a 27 yo neice getting married next April, and even if she invites the kids, I may nix that, because I would LOVE a night out with my DH. I will most likely have them stay at their cousin's house, and DH and I will stay overnight near the reception (2 hours from home). My kids are 10 and 8.

 

[Bojangles]

I don't have a problem with an adults only wedding. BUT to expect parents to buy suitable clothes ( boys dress clothes are rather expensive) and then transport them back home to a sitter and trot all the way back to the reception? That is selfish and I would refuse to do it. Either have adults only or invite children...you can't expect to have it both ways.

 

[Laura]

It's not a breach of etiquette to invite guests to the ceremony and not the reception, and vice versa. Nor is it a breach of etiquette to not invite children. But to invite half a family to both events and half to only one certainly isn't something Emily Post would recommend.

I do think the bride is being very inconsiderate of your situation, and is asking too much of you to take your children home. No doubt about it! You could miss half the reception--unless she's one of those brides who have guests wait a couple of hours between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception.

Sorry if I'm offending anyone who did this, but they're guests, you should provide entertainment in the interval if there has to be a long break. I went to a wedding last year in January where I had to wait 3 hours after the ceremony to go to the reception. It would have taken two hours to drive home and back, so we wound up watching TV at the house of one of DH's friend's parents until it was time to go. Very boring. I'm sure most people who have long delays like that have nice weddings anyway, but this wedding was really odd for a lot of other reasons. I probably would have overlooked it otherwise.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I don't know your SIL, of course, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm guessing she is just caught up in the planning--and like someone else said many brides kind of lose their common sense when they're obsessing about the "most important day of their life." If this is true about SIL (and maybe even if she is always on the inconsiderate side), you don't want to stir up family strife over this. Personally I would very kindly, very sincerely plead "too pregnant" and either not go at all (stay home with the kids and send DH) or maybe go to the early part with the kids and then just skp the reception. Congrats on your soon-to-arrive little one!

 

[JenBlaze]

Personally, I would stand up to her. I'd have your DH (not you!!) tell her that, I'm sorry, but we can't do that, and the kids will be staying home tonight. If she doesn't like it, it's her problem.

Yes, this is one of the most important days in your SIL's life, but she has NO right to impose on you like this in your condition. The health of that baby is more important!

After the wedding's over, she'll most likely realize that she was having a Bridezilla moment, and she'll understand.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by Mishetta


As a personal note.....I don't even go to a "no children" anything. If they don't want my kids, then I'm not going either. It's all or nothing in our family. Luckily, I haven't had to miss any family functions since no one in our family would even consider celebrating a life event without having children there!

For those that wish to flame.....I'm expressing my rights as an American citizen....freedom of speech!

I agree with you!! I have a cousin getting married out of town so we would have to spend the night....its going to be a sort of family reunion and wedding comb0 and my daughter isn't invited....so now I have to leave her not only overnight which I have only done once but overnight with non-family members...I am not to happy about this whole thing......a family wedding without my daughter with me doesn't seem very family like....I am not happy.

 

[Ranatra]

If your SIL wants the children at the Wedding but not the reception, then I believe it's up to her to "Provide Babysitter's" to watch over the children in another location so the parents can attend the Adult Reception. My SIL did this at her wedding and the kids had their own meal of Pizza and snacks. Nobody was upset about it at all.
For her to expect you to drive your DS home is idiotic and I wouldn't do it.

 

[k&a&c'smom]

No offense to those who have had "no-children" weddings, but I have to agree, a family occasion without members of the family is missing something!!!! I have attended weddings of family members since I was a child, and have been to many weddings with children. There have been far more incidents at the reception with drunken, obnoxious adults than there ever have been with the children!!

 

[poohandwendy]

I would simply say, "I'm sorry, that will not work out for us, but my husband and I will be there with bells on". No excuses, no apologies necessary.

If she has a problem with it, too bad.

Look at it this way, would it be appropriate to invite adults for pictures and NOT the reception? (I know plenty of adults who can ruin a party with their presence) What is the difference?

I have nothing against children only weddings. But, children aren't unthinking, unfeeling creatures. It is mighty insensitive to use the kids as models for the 'picture perfect family' wedding photo and then ignore them for the celebration part of the wedding.

I wouldn't even consider doing this, not for a minute.

 

[Stimpy]

Thanks for the support!

There is about 2-3 hours between the ceremony and reception (not uncommon in this area, unfortunately!) DH is not part of the wedding party. And if he left me alone for 2-3 hours with his family while he drove DS home, I'd kill him! LOL


The thing that really annoys me about this the most is the lack of support from DH. I had a really strong feeling SIL was going to do this so I discussed it with him around Christmas time. He was totally behind me at the time and told me we wouldn't do it if it did come up. Sure enough, it came up! Since she asked him, and he has never said "no" to anyone in his family, I am now the selfish one! He's going to drive me over the edge one of these days!

 

[Jockaroo]

I don't understand why brides go over the edge--yes it is their day, but the world does not stop and revolve solely for them for that 24-hour period. As a hostess, she should be concerned about the comfort of her guests.

Your primary concern should be your health and comfort. You and your husband should compromise and bring your son, do the pictures and then beg off the reception due to your low energy level. This is understandable. You could then do something with your son on the way home so he doesn't miss the "party" atmosphere. He can understand that Mommy is tired. And your husband should support this decision 110% for you!!!!

It really is inconsiderate for the bride to expect you to drive a long distance (pregnant or not) just for her desire to have a picture. If she wants children for part of the wedding, then she should feel obligated to have some child-friendly place with child-friendly food and entertainment during the reception. I know that some of the high-end, high-expense receptions are not geared toward children, but the kids could watch movies and have a pizza party for themselves.

All my best to you, your son and future baby. And I hope your husband wakes up and gets a clue!

-Jockaroo

 

[sue1013]

I agree you should not be travelling in the car that much in one day. As another poster suggested why can't your son stay with whoever is watching the cousins that live near the wedding? I've bought my children to the ceremony and had a family picture taken just as your SIL is suggesting. It may bother you later if the only child not in the family photo is your son. In our family we would give each of the immediate family a copy of the family photo. Where I live weddings are usually black tie and adults only. It would be strange if a child not in the bridal party was invited. A number of posters have mentioned the children will feel bad if not invited. I can only speak from experience I don't remember feeling bad as a child not being invited to the reception. Don't recall it being a problem for my children either. I told my children as I was told its only for adults. Being in a few weddings as a child the reception was always boring for me, I would have rather been with other kids.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
I know plenty of adults who can ruin a party with their presence.

Isn't that the truth!!!

Truthfully, there are some weddings that I dread being invited to. I know that I'll be invited to my boss' secretaries 2nd wedding. She's marrying one of my employees. Honestly, I don't get what he sees in her. Having been to her first reception... I plan to spare myself the second. The only table that had all of the men at it in suits was the one that I was at. It was supposed to be a semi-formal event. I guess the other men wore their *good* sweaters.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

I would let DH sort it out and make the details work. It is his family afterall. I think you will have to concede to allowing him to drive DS back home to the sitter while you stay behind with other wedding guests. Have you considered getting a hotel room near where the reception will be? This will allow you to rest awhile while DH brings DS back to your town and give you and DH some precious alone time before the arrival of your new baby. Perhaps someone from your side of the family will be available to care for your son overnight? Or a trusted family friend with a child about the same age? Maybe they would be willing to meet your husband halfway. Or...you could take the bold step of just bringing your son along to the reception and cutting out early to go back to your hotel room.