Way to handle a very difficult situation-HELP

[AlterEgo]

Okay all, I am hiding under an alias as this is not something I want friends/family to recognize. I don't know if this belongs here or the disabilites forum, moderators I will let you decide.

Here is the situation:

My best friend has a baby who is 9 mo old. The baby was about 4 weeks early but came home immediately from the hospital with a clean bill of health.

Baby at this point does not sit up, hold own bottle, roll over both ways or make eye contact consistently. When holding baby in front of my face, baby has a tendancy to look over my shoulder or above my head. Baby does not support any of its weight on its legs when you hold it in an upright position and bounce on your lap. Baby is starting to get the hang of eating solid foods. Babies eyes roll into its head like it is zoning out when tired.

Baby does laugh, smile and babble. Baby does reach for and hold toys.

I have been very concerned for a few months and have said nothing. A few of my friends have commented to me that they are concerned. I am no child development expert and don't know what to do. I feel like I should say nothing but at the same time I wonder if I should say something?

Baby does go for regular well baby check ups with a well established ped. There were no drugs or alcohol or anything of that nature during pregnancy.

Do you all have any advice?
I am totally stumped and as a friend of mine said to me the other night "they (the parents) are in total denial, huh?"

Thank You
AlterEgo

 

[Aidensmom]

If they are going to a pediatrician with a good reputation, I would think that he/she would say something to him if the behavior was out of normal range? Are you saying you think that the doctor said something, but they are not listening?

Is it possible they are just not sharing the problems that are suspected of the child?

 

[beckmrk04]

I think that if the baby is being cared for and is going for regular check ups with a pediatrician then it's probably fine. Or, the parents know there is an issue and don't want to talk about it.

Do you have a specific concern about what is wrong with the baby? ETA- an idea of what the problem might be?

 

[Buzz & Woody]

for a nine month old. My nephew is 10 months and is already babbling, standing with help, taking steps with help, clapping on command, eating most table foods, looks at you when you call his name etc.
I have another nephew who is just turing 4. He has a ***** wack of developmental delays. Mom had a virus when she was pregnatn causing calcification on the brian and other things. He can now sit up, can't walk, looks beyond you, eyes roll, looks dazed.

Honestly, in my opinion, if my child wasn;t sitting independently at 7 or 8 months and had a dazed look I would be concerned-I would ask for a in-depth check-up even if it required an MRI or something. It just doesn;t sound right and the Dr. should be ashame that he/she hasn;t noticed anything.

 

[minkydog]

I'd be concerned. But until the parents are concerned I'd probably leave it alone. It doesn't sound like the baby is being neglected. If the baby is developementally delayed sooner or later they'll notice.

My son (age 10)was very delayed at an early age and we knocked on every door we could to get him treatment. My sister's child(age 4) is also delayed. She could not face it and only recently had him tested. Even then, she tells people he has a "touch of ADHD" (the child is autistic)

 

[FreshTressa]

Well, kids are all on a different schedule. When you look at averages, that is exactly what they are...averages, and just like some kids do things early, others do them late.

I used to worry about a friend of ours kid like that and she is fine now that she is three. My own daughter was so ahead physically, yet seemed really withdrawn, we took her for testing and she came out a bit socially delayed. She caught up though.

I know early intervention can help, so you want to say something, but on the other hand, it may be that they just aren't talking about it or the child may still be being tested.

I wouldn't say anything, as long as the baby is seeing a ped. There are kids that fall at the lower end of the spectrum, and that is just how they are.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

My advice is to say nothing. When they want to discuss it with you, they will. That's what I'd do, anyway.

 

[DisnyMama]

They may purposely have chosen to not discuss their childs physical and mental development at this time. When my 7 year old nephew was born he was having siezures and was in the NICU for weeks before he was able to come home. What I have just recently learned from my sister is that at the time he was born the doctors did not know if he had some brain damage and what the extent might be. They made the decision to not tell anyone including any of the family untill he was old enough to where it would be very obvious-if he would indeed have had some brain damage. That was just their decision. Thank goodness he is perfectly fine and doing just great.

 

[AlterEgo]

I so appreciate all of your input, you all are thinking along the same lines I am. Mouth is zipping closed. Why borrow trouble.....

That said, couple more questions for you experienced parents out there. Along with some answers to your questions.

I have no idea what is wrong if anything.
The development just seems to be odd to me, the lack of eye contact is my biggest concern, I have never really seen a baby that didn't love to study your face.

The Ped has a great reputation, but the Ped doesn't live with the baby. Ped visits with them for a few minutes every check up and has to rely on the observations of the parents to reach some of their conclusions. If parents aren't seeing it, how do they relate it to the Ped.

I do not think they suspect anything, she and I are very close and discuss just about everything. She has made comments to her Ped about babys size and slower development, but this was within the first 6 months or so. Ped's response was, well some kids are small and is baby "grabbing at objects" then baby is fine.

I have heard and read so many stories of parents that in their guts knew something wasn't right and have had to research and seek out answers on their own, even when they had good Doctors.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My nephew was "off". It was obvious to me. He is now turning 5 and finally getting help.

I didn't say anything because the parents were in denial and would have just been mad at me, my SIL & my OWN brother, mind you.

He also went to a PED., AND did "Parents as Teachers" Eval's.

Does she have the book "What To Expect The 1st year?" That is a good book. If she is a good friend you can sit with her and the baby and go over the book. Perhaps it will help in some way.

 

[shortbun]

Are these parents very young? If not, they are probably having SOME stress about the lack of development themselves. Pediatricians are only as good as the parents. Our pediatrician told us at the first visit that she would listen to us as her first line of information. She did and we were. We avoided some really invasive tests because we really recorded and reported our son's acitivities. My nephew is autistic. We all knew something was really wrong but his parents categorically rejected any suggestion. One of his preschool/daycare teachers dared to suggest autism and they pulled him from her care. He IS pretty severely autistic now as a 12 year old and got no help until he started school at 6 as a very disabled kindergarten student. He's now in special ed and has been diagnosed with every label-they actually refused an IEP until 4th grade!!!! They have made some big mistakes but did not want to admit/were afraid of labels. I ached for him knowing that autism can be helped a lot if there is early intervention but their doctor just kept saying there was nothing wrong. Who knows what they told him. There is little you can do except be there in case they ask for advice. I have a friend whose 4 year old is VERY behind developmentally. She's even had him evaluated and was told his skills were that of a 24 month old. She was offered free services but turned them down saying he would "catch up." His speech is halting, he mimics and he does that toe walking/running thing. I'm afraid he's autistic too and she just can not face it. His Dad is letting the Mom decide because she's always been the primary parent even rejecting the Dad's overatures to help out. It's going to be a problem but again-nothing any of us can do. Good luck.

 

[AprilShowers]

My nephew was born blind. Nobody noticed it, not even the doctors until he was several months old.
My DMIL was babysitting him and holding him in front of the mirror. He wasn't responding to his own reflection like most babies do.
DMIL told DSIL that she thought something should be checked, and sure enough, he's blind.
Sometimes first time parents don't know what to expect so they think everything is perfectly normal. DMIL had 8 kids, so she knew what was normal and not.
However, unless you are very close with these people (like family) I wouldn't say anything. They'll probably be offended and hurt feelings that you don't think their baby is normal.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My neice has a boy who is delayed and they ignored suggestions from their dr to get help until their son was 4-5yo. They wasted valuable time early in his life and he is now possibly behind where he would otherwise be. They had what by sister describes as the "head in the sand" (HITS) approach to parenting and it may have set Brian back even further in his development by not getting earlier intervention (I have never met the boy, this info is from my sister, his grandma). By the time they admitted a problem (after my sister insisted that they get him tested) they then had to find a place to take him, etc, which took time.

In the case of your friend, who knows what the dr has told them. The dr could be concerned and they are in denial and can't even admit a possible problem to you (it can be a tough thing to talk about, even to friends) or the dr might be giving it more time before he or she is concerned. There is a range of normal and the baby might still be within the normal range.

I don't know that I could stay totally quiet, though. I might say that I'm surprised that he's not sitting up yet and ask if the dr is concerned. Nothing confrontational and said with concern and caring. You know your friends, though. Or comment on the lack of eye contact. I've also never seen a baby that doesn't love to make eye contact by the time they are several months old and that would concern me. My DH's niece is legally blind and she was in "therapy" (or whatever it's called) at a very early age.

 

[lulu71]

I say unless she asks you for your opinion, then say nothing. Why do you feel that it is your responsibility to intervene? I'm not trying to be snippy, but I just don't get it.

 

[Disney Ella]

Some acquaintances of ours had a baby who was doing similar things and everyone was concerned and didnt' want to say anything. The baby wasn't doing any of the normal physical things for her age, didn't track objects with her eyes, etc. Finally, the boss of the husband and his wife sat down with the parents and told them that everyone was concerned. The parents did mention the concern to the pediatrician who said everything was fine.

The parents started noticing things, like the baby would space out for a few minutes at a time, videotaped the baby doing that, and took the videotape to the pediatrician. Once the pediatrician saw the tape, they were referred to a pediatric neurologist who diagnosed a seizure disorder. Unfortunately, things didn't improve in this case and the baby is now a very severely disabled teenager.

If there is something wrong that can be treated, I would like to be clued in so that I could seek treatment when the child was still young. As a first time parent, you don't always know what your baby should be doing, despite reading the books. The time you spend with a pediatrician is so little, that it's not a surprise that they don't catch a lot of things.

How do you think your friend would react if you mentioned your concerns? Would she understand that you have the child's best interests at heart or feel that you are criticizing her baby?

 

[Kimberle]

I am the parent of a premature baby. My dd was 11 weeks early. So I do have some actual experience.

First, most pedi.'s are not the correct choice when caring for a premature baby. You need someone with experience with premature babies. Some pedi's are fine, many are not. (They may be great with full term babies. I'm not "dissing" them at all.)

Every state has a program to evaluate premature babies. In CT, it's called "Birth to Three." Meaning they follow preemies from birth to 3 to make sure they are developing correctly. Most insurance plans cover this too, so you can go the private route (thought our state program is excellent). If you have children, I'll bet your own pedi office has a poster about your states program hanging in the office. You may have never noticed it.

You can ask your own pedi or call your local hospital. They can give you the information. You don't have to give your name.

You can very casually mention the program to your friend (so you don't sound judgemental). Something like hey, wow, I was talking with a friend who also has a preemie and she told me about xxx, what a great program.... etc. very casually.

I know I'm quick typing this now, cause I'm in a hurry. I'll try and help you more later if you'd like.

 

[kimbac3]

Do you yourself have children? If you don't you could say "What age do they usually do (insert activity)? Do you have one of those baby books with a guideline?" then throw in "I don't have any kids, I'm clueless to this stuff". That would get her to look at the "what the baby should do when" guidelines.
Kimba

 

[AlterEgo]

You guys are great, thanks for all your advice.

First, yes I have children, therefore I know the development is not normal, however I never had one that was early or a little slow in the development so I don't know at what point one should become concerned.

I don't know if I should point some of these things out or leave it alone. This is my dearest friend, and has been for many years. I truly do not think she suspects a thing. As Mom's we all think our kids are perfect, and they are, but I think it would be really hard to admit to oneself that there might be a problem. That has got to be one of the scariest things on earth. Your posts pointed out lots of cases of denial.

My Friend also has other children, they are not young first time inexperienced parents. They are smart, educated, professional people with access to good health care.

The main reason I asked the question the way I did is down the road, if all is not right and if she ever asks me if I suspected something, do I fess up or spend the rest of my life lying?

I got really concerned when people who know us both started asking me what is wrong with the baby? So, I know it is not just me noticing.

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate all your advice, I am at a total loss.

 

[beckmrk04]

I think if this were my dear friend/sister/SIL I would try to bring it up. I don't know what your relationship with her is like, or if this is a possibility for you, but I would think if you are very close she will realize that you are coming from a place of genuine concern, and not trying to be mean or judgmental.

This seems to be weighing so heavily on you. I hope things improve. (hugs)

 

[TDC Nala]

If it was not my child, and the parents were taking it to doctors as needed, I'd leave it alone.