Visitors who over stay their welcome...

[Teresa Pitman]

My sister once announced that she was coming (with her four kids) to visit me (and my four kids) for a week. I told her that I was on deadline trying to get a book finished and it was not a good time. She showed up anyway. So I was frantically trying to work on my manuscript, cook for an extra five people, and arrange for them to have some things to do.

The worst part was one day when I said "Maybe you and your kids could do the dishes tonight?" (I was doing ALL the housework) and her son responded: "We didn't come here to work." My own kids were shocked, and still repeat that phrase.

A couple of years later, she sent her oldest daughter, who was giving her some trouble, to stay with me for a week. Well, she ended up staying the entire summer (10 weeks). Never offered to pay me a cent towards her food (and of course I had to bring her along and pay for her when I took my kids to activities). When she finally went home, I asked my sister if she could chip in some money for the food, etc., and my sister's response was "Heck, no. I'm sure you've spoiled her and it's going to take me months to get her unspoiled."
Well then WHY did you leave her with me for the whole summer and refuse to come get her, say that you were going to be away whenever I said I'd bring her back, etc.?

TP

 

[Handbag Lady]

A biggest downside to living in the same area with both dh and mine huge extended families, is that while we don't have to deal with visiting guests, we both have some cousins that once they get here, THEY WON'T LEAVE. Seriously. One of my cousins came to my house for a 10am event. Everyone else had left by around 1pm... This cousin...umm..no, she did not leave until after 9pm! And this was with me scurrying around cleaning... She would just follow me from room to room watching me clean. Asked what I was making for dinner(told her nothing so she ordered in a pizza!). After a few hours of hinting I had to finally tell her that it was way past time for her to go! Dh has cousins the same way (and it's not that they love us that much and don't get a chance to be around us..they do it to my sister also!)
Now we either host events offsite so we all "leave" or, we just tell these cousins that hey, it's been great seeing you, but you need to leave. I no longer worry about offending someone who is being rude by overstaying!

Are we related? MY MOTHER does this to everyone in the family. I became aware of it when I was in my late teens. She hijacked me to go to a family birthday party of extended family I didn't know. The party ended around 2 pm. She invited herself and me to her cousin's house nearby. They said they had a costume party to go to that evening so my mother stayed, hoping she'd get invited to the party (of people she didn't know.)

I told her repeatedly that we had to leave. She shushed me! The cousins ended up missing their party because my mother wouldn't leave. It just got funny because even the cousins (again who I didn't know) were getting very ticked off and I agreed with them. But, my mother is the #2 Matriach in the family so they were stuck and didn't wish to disrespect her. I told her in the car (we left around 11pm) that she was not respecting them at all and she still couldn't see it.

I now refuse to attend anything with her unless I am driving.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

In Italian we have a saying: L'ospite è come il pesce, dopo tre giorni puzza.*


*A guest is like a fish. After three days it stinks!

 

[Mokat76]

My sister once announced that she was coming (with her four kids) to visit me (and my four kids) for a week. I told her that I was on deadline trying to get a book finished and it was not a good time. She showed up anyway. So I was frantically trying to work on my manuscript, cook for an extra five people, and arrange for them to have some things to do.

The worst part was one day when I said "Maybe you and your kids could do the dishes tonight?" (I was doing ALL the housework) and her son responded: "We didn't come here to work." My own kids were shocked, and still repeat that phrase.

A couple of years later, she sent her oldest daughter, who was giving her some trouble, to stay with me for a week. Well, she ended up staying the entire summer (10 weeks). Never offered to pay me a cent towards her food (and of course I had to bring her along and pay for her when I took my kids to activities). When she finally went home, I asked my sister if she could chip in some money for the food, etc., and my sister's response was "Heck, no. I'm sure you've spoiled her and it's going to take me months to get her unspoiled."
Well then WHY did you leave her with me for the whole summer and refuse to come get her, say that you were going to be away whenever I said I'd bring her back, etc.?

TP

Wow. Just wow. That's some sister you have there. :-(

 

[Swan4Me]

My sister once announced that she was coming (with her four kids) to visit me (and my four kids) for a week. I told her that I was on deadline trying to get a book finished and it was not a good time. She showed up anyway. So I was frantically trying to work on my manuscript, cook for an extra five people, and arrange for them to have some things to do.

The worst part was one day when I said "Maybe you and your kids could do the dishes tonight?" (I was doing ALL the housework) and her son responded: "We didn't come here to work." My own kids were shocked, and still repeat that phrase.

A couple of years later, she sent her oldest daughter, who was giving her some trouble, to stay with me for a week. Well, she ended up staying the entire summer (10 weeks). Never offered to pay me a cent towards her food (and of course I had to bring her along and pay for her when I took my kids to activities). When she finally went home, I asked my sister if she could chip in some money for the food, etc., and my sister's response was "Heck, no. I'm sure you've spoiled her and it's going to take me months to get her unspoiled."
Well then WHY did you leave her with me for the whole summer and refuse to come get her, say that you were going to be away whenever I said I'd bring her back, etc.?

TP

OP-how did your visitor KNOW you were on Holiday? Next time-dont tell her

To the person quoted here-as ann Landers always used to say-only YOU can make yourself a doormat.
Learn to say NO

 

[JessicaR]

I have relatives that have a "visitor" that's been there for most of the last three years and it's causing quite a lot of tension between the husband and wife. The couple live in a university town and the "guest" is a grad student that the husband met while they work in the same department at the university. She is from Sri Lanka and in her 20's, the couple are about 70. About three years ago, the "guest" needed housing and the husband got the idea that she could come live with them. The couple has done this in the past on a couple of occasions with varying degrees of success.

Well, with the exception of a couple of trips back home, the "guest" has lived with the couple for a large majority of the last three years. One of the trips back was to get married, and the other resulted in a pregnancy. The likely "anchor baby" is due in a few months. She's here on a student visa and has no real means of self-support. She is trying to get her husband here on a work visa with no luck so far. She is largely "nocturnal" as she often spends the nights Skyping with family back home and then sleeping most of the day.

The "host" wife wants the guest out, but her husband has continued to say she is welcome. The wife also has a friend who is also Sri Lankan who has explained that the "guest" is from a cultural group within the country that have no internal qualms when it comes to knowing when hospitality or favors have been over-reached. She basically said that they are "takers" and will continue to think nothing of taking full advantage of anything offered until the givers say "You've had enough" or told "No" when more is asked.

Well now that is taking the 'guest' to a whole other level. I feel bad for the wife.

 

[duffy]

My sister once announced that she was coming (with her four kids) to visit me (and my four kids) for a week. I told her that I was on deadline trying to get a book finished and it was not a good time. She showed up anyway. So I was frantically trying to work on my manuscript, cook for an extra five people, and arrange for them to have some things to do.

The worst part was one day when I said "Maybe you and your kids could do the dishes tonight?" (I was doing ALL the housework) and her son responded: "We didn't come here to work." My own kids were shocked, and still repeat that phrase.

A couple of years later, she sent her oldest daughter, who was giving her some trouble, to stay with me for a week. Well, she ended up staying the entire summer (10 weeks). Never offered to pay me a cent towards her food (and of course I had to bring her along and pay for her when I took my kids to activities). When she finally went home, I asked my sister if she could chip in some money for the food, etc., and my sister's response was "Heck, no. I'm sure you've spoiled her and it's going to take me months to get her unspoiled."
Well then WHY did you leave her with me for the whole summer and refuse to come get her, say that you were going to be away whenever I said I'd bring her back, etc.?

TP

Why did you let her do that? Seriously, I can't understand why you wouldn't say, "NO!"

She will do this again, because you allow it to happen.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Why did you let her do that? Seriously, I can't understand why you wouldn't say, "NO!"

She will do this again, because you allow it to happen.

Well, the first time, I did say no. She showed up anyway.

The second time, I agreed to take her daughter for a week, because they were not getting along. Then at the end of that week, when I asked her to come get her, she said they couldn't (can't remember the reason any more). The next week there was some other reason. I offered to bring her back (despite not really wanting to do the long drive) and she said they were going to be away. This went on week after week, a new story every week. At the same time I did not want my niece to feel like nobody wanted her around, so I wasn't going to treat her badly (not bringing her along on our family outings, for example). I'm sure she felt bad enough that her mother wasn't coming to get her and that there was always an excuse why she couldn't go back. At that point, the child's needs took precedence.

It hasn't happened again because I've been much, much firmer since then. Of course, she barely speaks to me now.

TP

 

[Jeafl]

We have friends/neighbors who live down the street and they always overstay their welcome. We invited them for a BBQ for July 4 at 1:00 pm. They were still at our house at 2:00 am!! I didn't know how to get rid of them because I was exhausted and wanted to go to bed. I finally said "can I get you a last cup of coffee before we wind things up for the night?" They accepted the coffee, but did go home after that.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

Well, the first time, I did say no. She showed up anyway.

The second time, I agreed to take her daughter for a week, because they were not getting along. Then at the end of that week, when I asked her to come get her, she said they couldn't (can't remember the reason any more). The next week there was some other reason. I offered to bring her back (despite not really wanting to do the long drive) and she said they were going to be away. This went on week after week, a new story every week. At the same time I did not want my niece to feel like nobody wanted her around, so I wasn't going to treat her badly (not bringing her along on our family outings, for example). I'm sure she felt bad enough that her mother wasn't coming to get her and that there was always an excuse why she couldn't go back. At that point, the child's needs took precedence.

Your sister technically abandoned her daughter for almost THREE months.

You should have sought professional help for all involved. A "new story" every week as to why she will not take tend to, feed, or house her own child has many red flags.

I can't believe she is back in that home

 

[goofyernmost]

Well, the first time, I did say no. She showed up anyway.

The second time, I agreed to take her daughter for a week, because they were not getting along. Then at the end of that week, when I asked her to come get her, she said they couldn't (can't remember the reason any more). The next week there was some other reason. I offered to bring her back (despite not really wanting to do the long drive) and she said they were going to be away. This went on week after week, a new story every week. At the same time I did not want my niece to feel like nobody wanted her around, so I wasn't going to treat her badly (not bringing her along on our family outings, for example). I'm sure she felt bad enough that her mother wasn't coming to get her and that there was always an excuse why she couldn't go back. At that point, the child's needs took precedence.

It hasn't happened again because I've been much, much firmer since then. Of course, she barely speaks to me now.

TP

I can't speak for you, but I can tell you that would be one person I could do without speaking too. Count your blessings.

 

[JessicaR]

Your sister technically abandoned her daughter for almost THREE months.

You should have sought professional help for all involved. A "new story" every week as to why she will not take tend to, feed, or house her own child has many red flags.

I can't believe she is back in that home

In less than 10 minutes you joined the DIS Boards saw this thread and decided to post based on this specific post? Yeah, OK. Why not just post as you are.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

In less than 10 minutes you joined the DIS Boards saw this thread and decided to post based on this specific post? Yeah, OK. Why not just post as you are.

I joined BECAUSE I saw this thread. Lurker for months and loving this forum

Thank you for the welcome. You must be in charge here

 

[Mokat76]

I joined BECAUSE I saw this thread. Lurker for months and loving this forum

Thank you for the welcome. You must be in charge here

Wow! Why the hostility? Everyone was new here at one point. Why not this thread?

 

[Social Worker Sue]

Wow! Why the hostility? Everyone was new here at one point. Why not this thread?

Thank you!

I think you meant to quote JessicaR, but I get what you are saying.

I think this thread hit home with me, as (obviously) I am a social worker. I have been one for 26 years. The thought of a mother REFUSING to take her child back into the home prompted me to respond.

Although, I have responded to many threads in my head up until this point

 

[JessicaR]

I joined BECAUSE I saw this thread. Lurker for months and loving this forum

Thank you for the welcome. You must be in charge here

Yeah OK.

 

[Mokat76]

OMG, Social Worker Sue. I quoted the wrong person. Please accept my apology. I meant to challenge Jessica R for her less than friendly greeting to you. Please forgive me. I don't have a clue how to delete my previous post so all I can domis grovel.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

Yeah OK.

Wow

I thought my post was well thought out and non confrontational.

May I ask why you are treating me like this?

 

[JessicaR]

OMG, Social Worker Sue. I quoted the wrong person. Please accept my apology. I meant to challenge Jessica R for her less than friendly greeting to you. Please forgive me. I don't have a clue how to delete my previous post so all I can domis grovel.

.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

I gotta bring this back to the OPs original post...

I am on day 5 of the SIL and family staying with us. I finally have hinted today that the kids seem like they've had enough, my DH's ears are bleeding after days of listening to BIL's stories from the 1970s, etc., etc....

Originally she said they'd come out and stay in a hotel from Friday to Sunday. I insisted they'd be more comfortable staying with us. Well then she tells me they'll stay from Friday till Weds.

These are the cheapest people ever, buying plastic trinkets at wallyworld every day, but won't spring for food while we're out and about and everyone is grouchy. I'm worn out. The just don't seem to be able to read cues on people.

We love them and it was good to see them, and yes, I did invite them, but I will be happy when they leave in the morning.

Thanks for starting this thread so I didn't have to!

oh, side note: the last time they visited prompted me to plan our first WDW trip!!