VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[okeydokey]

I really don't think this is actually about cars.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

So if ya'll expect her to buy the step kids a car would you think the same if he bought his kids a car since they are his step kids? Hey it would work out even.. all of the kids would each have 2 cars!

If she cooks dinner, should she only cook for her own kids? Should he have to cook for his? This is what a modern family does -- adjusts for equality.

 

[OneMoreStitch]

Skids wasn't meant offensively? In what world? The term skid is now positive? Yeah, right. Why shouldn't all kids (and parents) be treated with equal respect? I have step parents and grandparents, and they are all family. And she offered to hep with half of half for the cars. Yet expected nothing from her children's father. Why should the dad not treat his kids with the same things she gives hers? Do the step kids get less food? Less use of the shower? Less electricity? So why treated differently when it comes to cars?

I do believe OP said her ex was no longer in the picture and had not been for some time.

 

[disneyjunkie]

OP, how old are the three boys?

 

[HelenePA]

If she cooks dinner, should she only cook for her own kids? Should he have to cook for his? This is what a modern family does -- adjusts for equality.

equality? its a car.. its not dinner. If the aunt wants to buy the kids a car and her kids have a car why on earth should he buy 4 more cars to make it "equal" its already equal they'll each have a car. Shouldn't the smart thing be college accounts for all children instead of another car?

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I do believe OP said her ex was no longer in the picture and had not been for some time.

So, that means she has to do double for her kids while leaving out the others? So, her current "husband" doesn't contribute to her kids at all? Who cares whether the person is involved, if they are a family, equality is what counts. Whether the ex is not willing or just checked out. Fair is fair, and preferential treatment is never ok.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

Let's see if I have this right:

Oldest stepson = owns a truck
OP's two kids = each has a car
Two younger stepsons = Aunt will buy them a car when they're old enough.

You'd think everybody would be happy.

It doesn't sound like there SHOULD be a problem here, but sounds like ex-wife wants to make a problem out of it.

Some people just want to turn everything into a drama. I'd ignore ex-wife as best I could and let her simmer down. It's unfortunate she takes the accusatory, drama-route, as I'm sure it has a negative effect on DH, stepkids, etc.

Makes perfect sense to me. The whole scenario is just nuts - everyone is ending up with a car, so why is the ex being such a PIA about the whole thing? Way too much drama.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

equality? its a car.. its not dinner. If the aunt wants to buy the kids a car and her kids have a car why on earth should he buy 4 more cars to make it "equal" its already equal they'll each have a car. Shouldn't the smart thing be college accounts for all children instead of another car?

The "smart" thing would be for this poster to realize how she talks about her step kids. The "smart" thing would be to realize that all of the kids in the family are their kids, and question why an aunt is supposedly buying cars (which I am doubtful about) and hopefully, if they exist, they are equal to what she is getting her kids. I hope college is covered, but based on the previous posts, I would think that her kids are covered, and the others are at the mercy of the arguing parents. Hope he answers that call from the ex...

 

[OneMoreStitch]

So, that means she has to do double for her kids while leaving out the others? So, her current "husband" doesn't contribute to her kids at all? Who cares whether the person is involved, if they are a family, equality is what counts. Whether the ex is not willing or just checked out. Fair is fair, and preferential treatment is never ok.

She obviously made it on her own before her current husband came along.


Preferential treatment happens every day. Fair or not. I didn't know life was always fair.

 

[disneyjunkie]

The "smart" thing would be for this poster to realize how she talks about her step kids. The "smart" thing would be to realize that all of the kids in the family are their kids, and question why an aunt is supposedly buying cars (which I am doubtful about) and hopefully, if they exist, they are equal to what she is getting her kids. I hope college is covered, but based on the previous posts, I would think that her kids are covered, and the others are at the mercy of the arguing parents. Hope he answers that call from the ex...

 

[Jennasis]

Very little worse than bickering exes and the kids playing them against one another.

Regardless of WHO is paying for the cars, or WHERE the cars are coming from, I can ABSOLUTELY understand why the stepkids feel slighted that a car was not offered by their own father. Kids do not think beyond the immediately visible. All they know or care about is that the other kids were given something awesome, why not us.

Are they correct? NOPE. But I get why they feel slighted.

How to proceed? Make dang sure Auntie Dearest coughs up the cars or start making plans to secure cars of equal value for the stepkiddos. And OP, there would be nothing wrong with you chipping in...unless the ex had a problem with it.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

She obviously made it on her own before her current husband came along.


Preferential treatment happens every day. Fair or not. I didn't know life was always fair.

Life isn't, your family should be if they have the means. And I pray to the Lord above that her step kids never hear how she talks about them on here. That is beyond unfair, it is simply wrong.

 

[clh2]

Wow - a lot of stuff going on here.

FWIW - I only have 1 DD, who is now 16. DH is her dad. So - I have no personal experience in the "step" issues.

My thoughts are: The cost of the cars (assuming they are older models) is probably a pittance compared to the cost of insurance, maintenance and gas. My DD just got her license a couple of months ago - so I do have experience on this issue.

I would also be concerned about who specifically "owns" the cars. In my state, a minor cannot specifically own the car. And - the adult who owns it is generally liable for anything the kids would do in the car, which may be different if you are in a no-fault state.

Another point - if DH is sending off a boatload of money to his ex for child support - then why can't the ex get the boys cars? I'm going to just take a wild guess and say that the ex isn't going to let him off the child-support hook if he buys them cars.

And - just really rambling here - what if something drastic happens in the OP's family - which impacts the family finances, and then there just wouldn't be money available for a car.

 

[HelenePA]

Maybe their dad can't afford to buy them a car? What should happen then? Should the OP not buy her kids a car until she can afford to buy everyone a car? I'm so glad I dont have to deal with any of this step parent business.. good luck to everyone involved, early bed time here for some very grumpy kids.. yes they all have the same bedtime.. so they'll all be equally annoyed with me

 

[Magic Mom]

Very little worse than bickering exes and the kids playing them against one another.

Regardless of WHO is paying for the cars, or WHERE the cars are coming from, I can ABSOLUTELY understand why the stepkids feel slighted that a car was not offered by their own father. Kids do not think beyond the immediately visible. All they know or care about is that the other kids were given something awesome, why not us.

Are they correct? NOPE. But I get why they feel slighted.

I agree with that. Their perception is that parents bought step siblings cars, why are they relying on relatives to buy us a car. I realizee thet it was "your" money, but in a family where money is combined, it's hard to convince a kid that the money spent was all yours. It may not be perception based on reality , but it is still their perception. It sounds like there isn't enough good communication going on.

 

[HelenePA]

I agree with that. Their perception is that parents bought step siblings cars, why are they relying on relatives to buy us a car. I realizee thet it was "your" money, but in a family where money is combined, it's hard to convince a kid that the money spent was all yours. It may not be perception based on reality , but it is still their perception. It sounds like there isn't enough good communication going on.

I gotta ask why its any of the kids business about finances? They are kids I dont tell my kids about our bills why would it work different here? I tell my kids unless they are paying the bills its none of their business.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Maybe their dad can't afford to buy them a car? What should happen then? Should the OP not buy her kids a car until she can afford to buy everyone a car? I'm so glad I dont have to deal with any of this step parent business.. good luck to everyone involved, early bed time here for some very grumpy kids.. yes they all have the same bedtime.. so they'll all be equally annoyed with me

Yes. If they can't afford it for one parent's child, then no one should get them. Why should her kids be treated better? Seriously? When she makes a commitment to the husband, she makes the commitment to the family. Simple as that. No kid is better or more important to the family than the other.

 

[luvsJack]

Op, you can't win here--meaning the Dis, not your situation. You are going to be wrong no matter what you say or do.

I used to be one of the ones saying you are wrong because I tend to be a bit touchy with the step-parent/step-kid area. But the more I read your posts the more I see, its really not you--your dh's ex is a NUT!!

If I am understanding correctly, she wants the boys to come and see their father and not have anything to do with you (and probably your kids?) or you to have anything to do with them. In her mind you should just be a non-entity in the house and not say anything to them or do anything for them. She wants the time at your house to be 100% between them and your dh, no other family member involved. Am I right?

It sounds like your hands are tied and to keep the peace you do as little for them as possible.

I don't see where you were wrong for buying your kids a car. You cannot spend your life making them do without because of what his ex might think. My ex and his wife bought her son a car, I certainly didn't expect them to buy one for my sons. My parents had all intentions of buying my kids a car, her son didn't have grandparents that were able to do that so should he have done without? Of course not.

I do hope that your dh has something really big planned for the kid's 16th birthday, because although they do not need a car (and to buy them one when the aunt is doing so would be asinine), he should be doing something at least equal to half a car in value. Make sense?

 

[Magic Mom]

I gotta ask why its any of the kids business about finances? They are kids I dont tell my kids about our bills why would it work different here? I tell my kids unless they are paying the bills its none of their business.

I don't mean communicate about bill specifics, I mean communicate about intentions and feelings and what's going on with the cars. If they are giving the OP this much grief about it, then it's time that she and dad sit down with them and discuss the whole situation.

 

[HelenePA]

Yes. If they can't afford it for one parent's child, then no one should get them. Why should her kids be treated better? Seriously? When she makes a commitment to the husband, she makes the commitment to the family. Simple as that. No kid is better or more important to the family than the other.

But the aunt already bought one of the step kids a truck before her kids got a car.. so now what?