I can't fully take either side on this one:
On the one hand, it's kind of silly to say that it was the wife's money that paid for the cars. When you're married, it's your money PLURAL, not your money SINGULAR. Yes, it might technically have come from your paycheck, but it's money that's now not available for household needs, so exactly who earned that dollar isn't really important. The cars really came from both of you.
Also, when it comes to major things like cars -- and for teens, there's not much of anything bigger than a car -- unless unusual circumstances exist, you really have to do the same thing for all the kids. This becomes even more important when steps are involved. If you don't treat all the kids equally with things like this, you're asking for family trouble forever. The slighted parties will hold a grudge against you AND against their steps. Treat them differently on this one, and someone'll still have hard feelings when your grandchildren are ready to drive.
The kids are totally not going to buy into the "their biological father isn't in the picture" thing. They're just not going to see the logic in that argument. Shoot, I don't see the logic in it.
I see that the aunt is going to buy the kids a car/truck (and I'm assuming that these hypothetical vehicles are going to be of relatively equal caliber -- one isn't getting something shiney new while the other gets a 5-year old, been wrecked twice rustbucket). A second car would be a foolish expenditure, but I do think that it'd be appropriate for the kids' father to do "something equivalent" of a car; the first thing that comes to mind is insurance. If it's a used car, other needs might exist: new tires, a paint job, or whatever. There are any number of ways to make this "equal" for the kids.
On the other hand,
The stepmother has no right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your money (court orders, of course, being the exception). She especially has no right to DEMAND that you do whatever she thinks is right. Keep in mind that you are under NO OBLIGATION to discuss your future financial plans with her (especially since it's two more years 'til the next child can drive?). It's fine to say, "That's a long way away -- let's just save that discussion for another day."
And on a related topic, it sounds like all the adults in the situation have a big case of a divorce hang-over and need to start cooperating. I always have a hard time believing that the ex is such a horrible monster -- after all, she is special enough to have caught the eye of your spouse, so she can't be all bad. Fussing and fighting like this does hurt the children. It doesn't matter who starts it. Y'all need to get it under control now. It won't be too many years 'til y'all will need to cooperate on even bigger topics like college tutition, weddings, and grandchildren, and as of right now, you've got a ways to go on the communication front.
I'm sure you'll say, "But she doesn't cooperate!" That may be true, but y'all didn't get into this situation with only her acting this way. I'm thinking about my grandmother, who "inherited" a very difficult mother-in-law in her second marriage -- one who was both sick and elderly -- and she lived with them. The MIL would light into her, screaming for all she was worth (always about absolutely nothing -- silly things like how to fold towels), and instead of rising to the occasion, my grandmother would go right on doing whatever needed to be done . . . and when her MIL had screamed herself out, my grandmother'd say with all the patience in the world, "Mother B, what did you need? I couldn't understand you when you were screaming." Refusing to take part in a fight takes the wind out of the other party's sails in a hurry. That MIL was known for being difficult, and she frequently had shouting matches of epic proportions with her own sons (and everyone else in the family) . . . but not with my grandmother. She learned that it wasn't much fun to fuss by yourself. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying that my grandmother was a doormat to her MIL. One thing they had trouble with early on was food; the MIL wouldn't like what my grandmother had cooked, and she'd scream about it, sometimes even throw food. My grandmother would sit right there at the table eating her own food and would say, "I'm awfully sorry you don't care for the lima beans. Tell me what kind you do like and how you like them cooked." But she wouldn't get up to clean the thrown food, and she wouldn't make anything else at that meal. I learned a lot from my grandmother about how to handle difficult people. I know it bothered her. I know she'd go into another room sometimes because she couldn't take it and wouldn't show how frustrated she was, but I also know that in the long run she won a whole lot of people's respect, and although she and her MIL never really became friends, my grandmother wasn't treated like that forever. She won the battle, and not only because she outlived the MIL.
Also, being a stepchild myself, I can tell you that my mother handled my father's lack of financial help (and every other type of help) by always taking the high road, and it made an impression on all of us kids. She never, ever spoke badly of our father, though she did always tell us the truth: She never hid the fact that we struggled financially because he didn't pay his child support. She never made excuses for why he didn't come to visit. But she was always factual about these things: "No, you can't do such-and-such. Unless the child support comes through, there's just no money for it." NOT "No, you can't do such-and-such because your father is a lousy, good-for-nothing excuse for a human being." We all came to our own conclusions about our father (especially when he didn't attend big events like graduations and weddings), but we all thought better of our mother because she refused to get down in the mud with him and sink to his level. We saw that she had not belittled him in our minds, though she didn't -- and couldn't -- stop him from belittling himself. It didn't make a hill of beans difference in our relationship with him, but it made all the world of a difference in the way we see her.
And I agree with the poster who said that the root of all this isn't about cars at all.
I wish you luck. Not only with the cars. Being a step -- whether you're the child or the parent -- is a tough row to hoe.
). I realize that the ex WANTS you to keep her kids out of your life. She WANTS her kids to ignore/dislike you. That makes it darn near impossible for you to be what the kids NEED you to be--a mother who loves them and treats them just like your biological children. But that really is what you have to be, even if the ex doesn't like it. For the kids' sake.
