Vent OT - How would you handle this? Update 12/19/11

[LovesTimone]

My friend daughter is having a commitment ceremony, in Orlando while we are on vacation. My husband and I (we are a straight couple)RSVP'ed that we would be attending. I helped my friend raise her daughter, and have remained close with her thru the years. I know her DD's partner and they are so happy and really good together.

Well my friend now is involved with a narrow mind man who is coming between my friend and her DD. Here's the kicker, I received a email from my friend telling me that if I attend her DD's ceremony we are no longer going to be able to be friends. And that I should cut all ties to her until she comes to her sense's.She also stated that she never knew about her DD's choice. Which that statement is a bunch of BS.. All I could think was WHAT........... REALLY...... Well guess what...I don't want to be friends with someone who does not support their children. How dare she tell me what I can do and use our friendship as a threat. Well my DH and I are going and we are going to support her and her partner. I have not emailed her back yet. I wanted to get some thoughts and input and to calm down before I do.

Any suggestion on how to handle it?

Update 12/19/11

I just wanted everyone to know that we attended the ceremony and it was lovely. Both the Brides were beautiful, and they were surrounded by people who loved and supported them. We had a wonderful time. Both of them were so happy and full of love for each other, it was touching and sweet.

On a personal note, to find love is a wonderful gift but to have someone return your love is truly a blessing.

Unfortunately my friend did not attend her daughter's wedding, and she did send me a very nasty email, which I did not mention to the Bride's both of them asked me if I knew if she was going to attend. I just said I did not know, something's are better left unsaid or repeated. I could not be sadder for my friend and the loss of not seeing her daughter on her day. On the email that she sent, I did not respond. I just deleted it and sent it to the trash as it was full of garbage.

 

[daannzzz]

I would just copy and send her this part of you're statement above.

"I don't want to be friends with someone who does not support their children. How dare she tell me what I can do and use our friendship as a threat. Well my DH and I are going and we are going to support her and her partner."

I would also probably tell her she was a weak minded fool under the spell of an *******.

 

[Swmhc]

Good for you !!! Sounds like you are far more supportive of her than her own mother. I just don't get people. One of my nieces is transgender and her father is awful. It's good for the kids to have someone in their corner. I think (hope) in a couple more generations, we will be a much kinder people.

 

[taylor3297]

Go to the ceremony and be there for the dd. It is a shame that your friend is allowing a man to dictate her relationship to her daughter.

 

[DrGaellon]

I agree with the others. Tell her exactly what you told us - you don't want to be friends with someone who can't support her own child. And make sure that her daughter knows she can turn to you for support if her mother refuses.

 

[smidgy]

My friend daughter is having a commitment ceremony, in Orlando while we are on vacation. My husband and I (we are a straight couple)RSVP'ed that we would be attending. I helped my friend raise her daughter, and have remained close with her thru the years. I know her DD's partner and they are so happy and really good together.

Well my friend now is involved with a narrow mind man who is coming between my friend and her DD. Here's the kicker, I received a email from my friend telling me that if I attend her DD's ceremony we are no longer going to be able to be friends. And that I should cut all ties to her until she comes to her sense's.She also stated that she never knew about her DD's choice. Which that statement is a bunch of BS.. All I could think was WHAT........... REALLY...... Well guess what...I don't want to be friends with someone who does not support their children. How dare she tell me what I can do and use our friendship as a threat. Well my DH and I are going and we are going to support her and her partner. I have not emailed her back yet. I wanted to get some thoughts and input and to calm down before I do.

Any suggestion on how to handle it?

I agree with the others. Tell her exactly what you told us - you don't want to be friends with someone who can't support her own child. And make sure that her daughter knows she can turn to you for support if her mother refuses.

I would NOT cut off your friendship with this friend... as she will NEED it.. probably sooner than later.

I would Definitely attend the wedding, with all you blessings. but it sounds to me like this wedding is not the problem, but that your friend is involved with a controlling man who has suddnely "changed" your friend's viewpoints on things

and so I would NOT allienate this friendship, just keep it on the shelf, until she is ready... sounds like she will need you.. sooner , rather than later....

 

[DisneylandDenizen]

Just like what everyone said, all you can really do is be there.

 

[LovesTimone]

OP here,
Just wanted to say Thanks for the words of encouragement. I did email her back after reading what everyone wrote and by this time I had calmed down. I did let her know that I could not believe that she was not supporting her Dd and that I would always be supportive of her, and that my DH and I would be attending. And that while she felt that we could not be freinds because of this, that I was still there for her and would still be her friend. I did ask her to reconsider going to the ceremony and that if she did not it could cause much regret later on, and damage any future relationship with her DD. I did wish her well. I just feel like this whole thing is so sad for her ( my friend) and she just does not see it. I hope she opens her eyes before Dec. when the ceremony takes place.

 

[wcpamotm]

I would NOT cut off your friendship with this friend... as she will NEED it.. probably sooner than later.

I would Definitely attend the wedding, with all you blessings. but it sounds to me like this wedding is not the problem, but that your friend is involved with a controlling man who has suddnely "changed" your friend's viewpoints on things

and so I would NOT allienate this friendship, just keep it on the shelf, until she is ready... sounds like she will need you.. sooner , rather than later....

This, I think. You might be viewing each other from opposite sides of a chasm for quite a while, and it will be incumbent on her to cross the bridge if she's ever inclined. But there's no need to burn the bridge.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Definitely support the daughter, by all means.

With regard to the mother, try pulling her aside and making it clear to her that failing to support her daughter at this time will be a hurt that will last forever. She may go on to be hideously sorry for it in years to come, but nothing will ever erase it completely. She needs to hear it from someone who cares enough about the daughter to talk frankly with her. If she is prepared to permanently damage her relationship with her child, then so be it. At least you will have done everything possible to push her to reconsider.

Then stand back and be there for the daughter, because it's going to hurt. A lot.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am just now seeing your original post and the follow up. It sounds to me like you handled it very well.
I am glad you will be there for the ceremony and for the girl you helped to raise--she is really going to need that if her mother does not reconsider.

 

[BikeFan]

I don't want to be friends with someone who does not support their children.

That REALLY depends on what the children in question are doing. Speaking generally and not about this particular case, there are definitely some actions that a parent should NOT support.

 

[MrRomance]

My first thought when I read this was...did this really come from the mother or is it the narrow minded a$$ she's hooked up with.

I'm pretty opinionated about these types of things so excuse me if I get a little agitated. It comes from the fact that 20-something years ago, when I was still in school, my best friend was gay and he got horribly bullied and beaten. I ended up becoming his bodyguard as much as I was his friend and I really find this stuff offensive...

GOOD FOR YOU for going to the ceremony !

My response to the email would be short and sweet.

The fact that you can pick your latest beau over your child, much less lie and claim you knew nothing about her partner is a disgrace. I'll be going to their ceremony and if you have any sense you will too. As for our "friendship", your need will always be greater than mine on that account and when your partner is long gone and you are sitting around regretting that you missed your daughter's big day, I promise not to be as judgemental as you are and give you my support.

 

[glenpreece]

Wow I agree with everyone go and say bye bye to this so called friend. I'm sure her daughter will need some support since her mother won't have anything to do with her anymore/

 

[SilverSynchro919]

My closest friend in the entire world happens to be transgender - he was born female, and as a teenager, he began the transition from female to male. He now goes solely by his chosen name, and has been "passing" for a very long time. His younger sister, who just today turned sixteen, also recently has come out as a lesbian.

Their mother has been supportive of both of her children - she isn't always the best mother, but she loves her kids and does what she can to support them in their sexual orientation and gender identity. However, she's dating a real jerk of a guy right now, and this man has not only denied my best friend of his gender identity, but has asked him to take his little sister with him when he moves out, since their lifestyle is "not conducive to having a teenager around." He is bigoted and downright rude, and is causing a huge rift in the otherwise close relationship between my friends and their mother.

My point in sharing all of this is that being a relationship can SEVERELY change a person's thoughts and beliefs. Your friend will probably come around, but it will probably have to involve getting rid of this guy.

 

[NEDisneyFans]

Glad you were there for your friends' daughter and her wife at their wedding.

I hope your friend lives long enough to ditch the boyfriend and make peace with her daughter.

One of the last times I spoke with my father was to tell him that Beth had proposed . . . his reply? "That's right, you people can do that out there" (we live in Massachusetts).

He died last year, and will never get a chance to see how happy I am or be a part of our lives.

 

[slytherinchick]

What a sad story. Personally if my son found someone ( when he is older ) that loved him I would be happy.

It is only your friend that will lose in the end.

I am glad you had a lovely day and i wish the brides all the happiness for their future x

 

[jjjmranch]

So glad you made it to the ceremony. You did the right thing by deleting the email without a response but it didn't deserve one.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

"Update 12/19/11

I just wanted everyone to know that we attended the ceremony and it was lovely. Both the Brides were beautiful, and they were surrounded by people who loved and supported them. We had a wonderful time. Both of them were so happy and full of love for each other, it was touching and sweet.

On a personal note, to find love is a wonderful gift but to have someone return your love is truly a blessing.

Unfortunately my friend did not attend her daughter's wedding, and she did send me a very nasty email, which I did not mention to the Bride's both of them asked me if I knew if she was going to attend. I just said I did not know, something's are better left unsaid or repeated. I could not be sadder for my friend and the loss of not seeing her daughter on her day. On the email that she sent, I did not respond. I just deleted it and sent it to the trash as it was full of garbage."

You did the absolutely right things. Most importantly, you went and supported those loving women, you didn't tell them about the biological mother's unpleasantness and you didn't rise to the bait of a woman caught in her own trap right now. She's gnawed her leg off and will suffer for the rest of her life. It may get better, but she's broken something permanently.

I hope the two of them go on to have a fabulous life together!

 

[donald...really]

Just seeing your original post and update now. You handled it PERFECTLY. The only thing I would have done differently is I WOULD have sent a reply to her last email. I would have responded with what you wrote in this thread:

Dear (name of friend):
We attended your daughter's ceremony and it was lovely. Both the Brides were beautiful, and they were surrounded by people who love and support them. We had a wonderful time. Both of them were so happy and full of love for each other, it was touching and sweet.

To find love is a wonderful gift but to have someone return your love is truly a blessing.

Best,
LovesTimone