Updated & Revised: Will you proof-read this?

[RoyalCanadian]

On the way we recognize all most almost everyone.
But I believe Sierra Nevada College will be the best time of my life and a base to grow the rest of my life off of.
from which to grow the rest of my life.

Easy on the dangling participles there tiff13.

 

[x morgan]

I think it sounds like a creative writing paper, not a college application essay. I'd do something about how the college will benefit you, and in return, what YOU as an individual can bring to the university.

 

[tiff13]

Henry David Thoreau once said, “It were as well to be educated in the shadow of a mountain as in more classic shade. Some will remember, no doubt, not only that they went to college, but that they went to the mountain.” After college instead of saying I studied in a brick building, I hope to able to say I met my professor at the base of the mountain.
Sierra Nevada College is located in one of the most pristine places in the world. The Sierra Nevada mountain range offers many opportunities to study what is happening below the surface as well as above. Sierra Nevada is located close enough to seismically active areas to learn first hand. The Tahoe Basin has a vast variety of wildlife. Lake Tahoe itself is another world. The clear salt water is home to thousands of organisms.
The Tahoe Center for Environmental Sciences has a great partnership with University of California, Davis, the Desert Research Institute, and the University of Nevada, Reno. The partnership is a great opportunity to interact with other environmental programs. The Tahoe Center for Environmental Sciences hosts numerous events that are not be offered at other universities.
I have always had a love for nature and questioned its meaning. Science was as fascinating in fifth grade when we grew ice crystals as it is now in my senior year while I am studying physics. Often I can be found sitting outside, just staring. I can sit there for hours on end, because it simply mystifies me.
During my undergraduate studies, I want to gain the insight of my professors. After those four years I would like to share this insight with the world. It is at that time that I intend to join The Peace Corporation. Lake Tahoe offers immense beauty. I hope the teachings from my professors will be just as glorious. At Sierra Nevada College, I doubt they would be anything less. One day, if I can share this beauty with others around the world, I will feel elated.

 

[dejr_8]

Hi Tiff

I hope you have thick skin because I couldn't stop laughing as I was reading your essay. This essay could really reflect who you are but as I was reading it I got the feeling that you are trying to be someone that you aren't.

If this is a tech minded school then this essay is still off base. Try to be real and leave the lit quotes to the fine arts majors.

just my two cents

joe

 

[bananiem]

Often I can be found sitting outside, just staring. I can sit there for hours on end, because it simply mystifies me.

Do not tell them you are a bubble head. Even if you don't mean it, that's what it sounds like.

 

[noodleknitter]

It sounds choppy. Academically, how will you benefit from this particular program, and what can you bring to it? You don't want to sound flaky!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Henry David Thoreau once said, “It were as well to be educated in the shadow of a mountain as in more classic shade. Some will remember, no doubt, not only that they went to college, but that they went to the mountain.” After college instead of saying I studied in a brick building, I hope to able to say I met my professor at the base of the mountain.
Sierra Nevada College is located in one of the most pristine places in the world. The Sierra Nevada mountain range offers many opportunities to study what is happening below the surface as well as above. Sierra Nevada is located close enough to seismically active areas to learn first hand. The Tahoe Basin has a vast variety of wildlife. Lake Tahoe itself is another world. The clear salt water is home to thousands of organisms.
The Tahoe Center for Environmental Sciences has a great partnership with University of California, Davis, the Desert Research Institute, and the University of Nevada, Reno. The partnership is a great opportunity to interact with other environmental programs. The Tahoe Center for Environmental Sciences hosts numerous events that are not be offered at other universities.
I have always had a love for nature and questioned its meaning. Science was as fascinating in fifth grade when we grew ice crystals as it is now in my senior year while I am studying physics. Often I can be found sitting outside, just staring. I can sit there for hours on end, because it simply mystifies me.
During my undergraduate studies, I want to gain the insight of my professors. After those four years I would like to share this insight with the world. It is at that time that I intend to join The Peace Corporation. Lake Tahoe offers immense beauty. I hope the teachings from my professors will be just as glorious. At Sierra Nevada College, I doubt they would be anything less. One day, if I can share this beauty with others around the world, I will feel elated.

Hi Tiff. It's better.

The first paragraph, I'd tackle differently. I understand you want to tie in the environment and pursuing your education at S.N.C. using the quote. The last sentence is not subtle enough, IMHO. By no means am I saying, "I'm right." It's subjective. But perhaps you may want to convey that you are seeking more than a "means to an end" in getting an education at S.N.C. and expand upon that concept.

The second & third paragraphs read more like an advertisement for the college. The trick is to use the information that is unique to the college and weave parts of yourself into the mix.

Paragraph four would be a good place to bring up your interest in geology and maybe what drew you to the geology program at Sierra Nevada College. (The part about you can sit outside for hours just staring, doesn't work for you in this essay. I'd get rid of it.) In fact, this would be a good place to expand upon your love of nature, your studies in physics and geology. Tie your interests into your future studies in the geology program at S.N.C. and the environment.

The last paragraph rambles. You state your interest in the Peace Corp. then go right into the beauty of Lake Tahoe. The last paragraph might be a good place to state your goals (type of degree), organizations within the college that you are interested in joining, and the contributions to the college you hope to make. Perhaps speak to the relationships you hope to form and maintain with the professors. Maybe end the essay by stating something to the effect that you chose S.N.C. because it's philosophy and educational programs fit your long term needs.

Sorry this is so long! Just some suggestions.

 

[bananiem]

I guess I don't think you should mention the skiing but maybe I'm in the minority. Also, how about finishing with what you plan to do with your degree after college?

 

[disneymom3]

I would particularly deal with the second and third paragraphs and flesh out the last one. It doesn't flow for me, but rather jumps around from one thought to the next. I like Annie's suggestion above.

As for the 2nd and 3rd, they already know where the college is so you don't have to tell them that info. Maybe you could put in that you are drawn to the college because of it's unique location and why that interests you. Connect it to your goals and your interests instead of just siting facts.

I agree that it is better and just think it needs a bit more tweaking. I also have to say that you are very brave to put it out there for criticism. Keep working it kiddo, you'll get there!

 

[pogo791]

Hello again, Tiff!
You're on the right track. I agree with the points raised by Annie and Disneymom, and I'd like to add a few subjective points of my own.

First, some minor points.

Thoreau's original quote (from "Trip to Saddleback Mountain") is a wee bit different from your citation: "... in more classic shades" instead of "... in more classic shade", and "... that they went to the college" instead of "... that they went to college". (I know this sounds like nit-picking, but accuracy counts for a lot in the shady groves of academia - whether in the middle of the city or by the side of the mountain.)

In your third paragraph, you use the adjective "great" twice. Try for a little variety. In the same paragraph you also give the full name of the Tahoe Center for Environmental Sciences twice; the second time around, I would shorten it to "the Tahoe Center".

In the fourth paragraph, somehow the phrase "questioning the meaning of nature" doesn't sound right. I assume what you are trying to say is that nature is a never-ending source of fascination for you, something that has excited your questioning mind ever since you were a young child.

You end the fourth paragraph by saying that you "can sit there for hours on end, because it simply mystifies me." Leaving aside the point that the idea of just sitting around staring may convey a sense of vacuity, it is not clear what the "there" refers to - "outside" is too general a denominator to be referred to as "there". Also, while I understand that the "it" in this sentence refers to nature (which you mention in the first sentence in the paragraph), there is so much distance between the first and the last sentence in the paragraph that the reader may be confused as to whether the "it" refers to other things mentioned in the paragraph, such as science, physics or in general "the outside". And finally, with this same sentence, perhaps "mystify" is not the word you intend. If a person is mystified, he or she is perplexed, baffled or confused; not at all what you would like to be at a place of learning. (How about one of the following: "fills me with wonder", "fascinates me", or "intrigues me"?)

In the fifth paragraph, you say that you want to "gain the insight of my professors" during your undergraduate years. I applaud your ambition, but aren't you short-changing your potential professors? If I were a tenured professor with many years of research under my belt, I am not all that sure I would be pleased if a student said that he or she would want to learn all I know in just four years! Why not be more modest and say that you want to "benefit from the insights of my professors"? Then in the next sentence, you repeat the word "insight". Why not change this to something like "After those four years, I would like to share what I have learned with the world"?

Also in the fifth paragraph, "teachings" is again perhaps an inappropriate word. It is generally understood to be a synonym for "doctrines" or "precepts". Perhaps the word you are looking for is simply "lessons".

As for more general points, I agree that the second paragraph sounds too much like a tourist guide, and the third paragraph like something out of a brochure for the Tahoe Center. You definitely should inject more of yourself into the essay. The main change I would make is that already in, or soon after, the first paragraph, I would explain why I am interested in the Tahoe Center and Sierra Nevada College - in your case, by inserting what is now your fourth paragraph to become the new second paragraph.

Above all, make the essay as personal as possible - convey a sense of you, and why you want to go to Sierra Nevada College!

All the best!

 

[FreshTressa]

Yay! Much better!

The second portion where you describe the benefits of the location of the college, I would talk about how that relates to you and what you want to study.

This sounds much more professional though. Good luck!

 

[disneymom3]

excellent points togo!

 

[RoyalCanadian]

"all most" is incorrect -- the word is "almost".