Uninvolved sibling-elderly parent

[DebbieB]

I'm going through the same thing. My one brother was no help when my mom was alive and is not much help now. I am doing most of the work to get the house cleaned out. He told me yesterday he can give me 30 or 45 minutes on Sunday. 30 or 45 minutes???? I feel like saying "don't bother" but I want him to do something. He's pulled the "I can't deal with it" card for years.

 

[mhsjax]

I always laugh out loud when someone berates me for having only one child on the grounds that, "But who will help her deal with you when you get old?" I laugh because my mother was one of three siblings and the only one who EVER took her parents on the myraid number of errands, doctor's appointments, etc. The only one who visited them in the hospital. The only one who visited my grandmother in the assisted care place or nursing home for the five years she was there. The only one who bought them food or clothing. The only one who packed up their apartment... until my aunt decided she wanted stuff and then WHAMBAMZOWEE! did my aunt get there with a truck and haul stuff away.

So in other words -- people are what they are, good and bad. You can't change them. But what you should do is stop counting on them to help because they're not going to. Move on and forget about them.

Not always true. My mom had a whole slue of people trying to get her and my dad to move closer to them so they could take care of her. We lived in the same city and I had small kids and lived at least 45 minutes away. they talked and talked until she moved. She did move and had a number of people taking care of her, and after she passed they took care of my dad. Everyone adored my mom and dad, and would have done anything and everything for them and they did.

 

[POOHsie]

OP, measure your life by how you have treated those around you. You can hold your head high. Keep focused on that. If your brother doesn't do right by your parents, he has to live with that, not you.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

To the OP, . I have a brother who is a doctor who can go to Florida for 3 weeks, go to Italy for 2 weeks, Costa Rico for a week but maybe see our mother 1 - 2 weekends in that same year. Of course I am the one who emptied her house and moved her, etc, etc, etc. DD's boyfriend helped me move her the last time.

Rylee, what a wonderful post. I need to print that to help my attitude.

 

[hereyago]

Stsomewhere: could your aunt have made a promise to either herself or to your grandparents that no matter what SHE would take care of them? My own personal expierence with promising my df that I would take care of my mom, and the only reason I do it is because I did promise him,because if I went off my word for whatever reason, I feel like I would have broken the promise and let him down. Perhaps that is why your aunt feels the way she does.

 

[hereyago]

I did want to add: some people are lazy, others simply don't either have it in them to be caregivers, others honestly live in denial and can't handle things. Do you really want someone who doesn't or can't have it in them to help? Would you want someone to help youbout of guilt(oh if you don't help you are bad) or obligation? My dd13 has seen me be a caregiver for more then half her life, no way on earth do I think she owes it to8 me to later help me and I have put things in place for whel I get older. If you choose to help your parentsq. To expect others to follow suit you are setting yourself up for resentment and disappointment, so do it because you want to and don't expect others to do the same. I don't regret taking care of my df and no matter what I always have my moms back even though she never had mine and I know I have done the best I could and I kept my pr

 

[Rylee]

To the OP, . I have a brother who is a doctor who can go to Florida for 3 weeks, go to Italy for 2 weeks, Costa Rico for a week but maybe see our mother 1 - 2 weekends in that same year. Of course I am the one who emptied her house and moved her, etc, etc, etc. DD's boyfriend helped me move her the last time.

Rylee, what a wonderful post. I need to print that to help my attitude.

We must be sisters, because we definitely have the same brother!

My brother's son was 6, when our mother passed away. My brother had brought his son for exactly 2 visit before she passed away. Two visit in six years!

He lives 5 hours away, so I accept it was physically impossible for him assist with the daily/weekly responsibilities... mowing, errands, cleaning, doctor appointments, etc. Not a problem, as my DH and older children were wonderful and lovingly pitched in. They adored my Mom and were all very close. What I did have a problem with was that he rarely visited, (maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 12-15 years) but never hesitated to mail off postcards and pictures of all their many vacations to dreamy destinations. And phone calls... at one point, my mother honestly thought he must have changed his phone number, because he seldom returned her phone calls. Even "Mother's Day" phone calls came a week late. My brother likes to believe that since he is such an "important person" it was just impossible for him for him to find the time. Sadly, my mother had to believe it too, otherwise, the truth would have been too painful for her to accept.