Trouble with Reality

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Alas, my heart is broken yet again. I feel like I have some odd disconnect with reality.

I come from a very small town, so many of my crushes were people that I never met. When I was much younger, the objects of my affection were movie stars and musicians and such. And every time I found out one of them had a girlfriend, my heart was broken. And most times, they inevitably broke up, but I had usually moved on to bigger and better things.

Then, I went off to college, where I could set my sight on guys in my actual proximity. Coming from a small town, and an even smaller school, I had never been around so many guys at once before. Some were athletic, some were artsy, some were outgoing, others mysterious. It was like a smorgasboard of guys, all in one setting. I always had my eye on some guy, usually way out of my league. But, at least my interests were in "real" guys, and not just guys I had admired from afar.

Of course, I always hung out with guys who were losers, while the ones I was actually interested in, I never dared to speak to, due to my terrible insecurities. My plan, whether it was a famous person or local person, was always to lose massive amounts of weight, become "hot," then I just KNEW that we would find each other and they would fall in love with me. I just knew it.

Welcome to the insecure psyche of a fat girl.

Fast forward to now. Ever since I graduated from college, I have not been much into guys and dating and whatever. I have bee so concentrated on my job, I often don't even think about it. Plus, I have not found any guys in my town that intrigue me as much as the guys from college, the athletes I see on TV, etc etc.

Until I found this guy. Now, here I am 26 years old, pining away for a 21 year old kid. What's the problem, you ask? Oh, well, we have never met, and most likely will never meet, because he lives thousands of miles away from me, and oh yeah, will probably be playing in the NFL. Then, this morning I find out he does, in fact, have a girlfriend. And, the heart feels broken yet again. I feel like I am 16 years old again, upset because the guy I like is taken.

A guy I was likely never gonna meet, yet I had convinced myself that somehow we were gonna meet and fall madly in love. Do I have the mentality of a teenager? Why do I have such an inclination for daydream relationships?

HELP!

New rule in effect.

no offense, but this story sounds.....shall we say, contrived.

Your last word says it all, and I think you are not looking for advice on real world relationships, but rather seeing if you can get the DIS moving on some sort of discussion. the subsequent post you made show that some posters have given you some very good advice (thearpy/counseling) and you have sidestepped that avenue.

enjoy the malstrom you are creating.

You say you graduated college? what did you study, what was your major?
what kind of work do you do? I think the highlighted statement may be more closer to reality than you will admit. YES?

You call a 21 year old a kid, and yet you are only a few years older. Hmmm,
netflix must not have been as fast! This sounds suspeciously like several plots of movies mashed together!

Of course, this is just my opinion, as I think I read it on the DIS!

 

[mmackeymouse]

First, congrats on your weight loss. Good for you. Also, I'd like to say I think you're really brave for posting this here.

It's perfectly fine to not be in a couple if that's what you want, but that doesn't sound like the case here. I would not write off therapy. Not long term, but maybe to help you figure out why you are checking out of reality and not living the way you want to live. I don't think a shy person is suddenly going to turn into the life of the party because they see a shrink. You are who you are and that's fine; my husband is shy and no amount of therapy in the world will change that and that is fine. But I think it goes deeper than being shy. Something tells me that even if your dream man were to fall out of the sky and land on your living room couch, you might not be ready for that relationship yet.

Good luck. There's someone out there for you.

Exactly, that is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks!

Listen, I do not mean to imply that I am "above" therapy OR that I am an unhappy person. Sure, I am less than thrilled with my current, or shall I say, forever "boy situation," but most of the time, I am very happy with my life. And I have never needed a guy to be happy. I think about them and dream about them and......wait, where was I going with this? Hehe, jk.....while I love guys and hope someday to meet THE guy, I'm not going to run myself ragged to do so.

I guess when I think of therapy, again not to offend people, but I think of my best friend. When she went away to college, she was around her fraternity friends a lot, to the point where she was around them most nights. She drank, a lot, way too much. She partied way too much. And, it got to the point where she was hopping from one relationship to the next, within days. And throughout all of this, she was seeing a counselor. Nothing against partying and drinking at all, but the extent of it was......troubling. To me, THAT is the kinda stuff that needs therapy. I mean, I talk all the time, with my family, friends, coworkers. I mean, if I know you, I am a talking machine.
But, I will not write off the idea of at least talking to someone. Doctor/Patient confidentiality in a small town is pretty relative, so I may have to look outside city limits. Haha.

As far as having guy friends, as I said, I went to an extremely small school, 30people in my class. And, I was pretty dang reserved until probably my 7th or 8th grade year. So, it took me YEARS of seeing them every day to even warm up to them.

And to whomever said I need to get off the computera and go out and get a life, or whatever was said.....I actually work behind a computer 9 hours a day. When I am not at work, I am up at the gym. The rest of the time, I am running errands, cleaning the house, baking, etc etc. I probably do need to get out and socialize, but I am hardly on the computer all the time. I will admit, I have been on the computer much more lately, to do Christmas correspondence, shopping.

And, I was not trying to be uppity. I called the people I was hanging out with "losers" because they really were. I compromised probably every principle I have to hang out with most of them. Their style was just not me. But, I was desperate and they were desperate. And, at the risk of sounding conceited, even I could do so much better. And, just to clarify, I was not referring to my actual friends. I was referring to guys I met with dating as the purpose.

But, anyway, I thank each and every one of you for your help and insight.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

New rule in effect.

no offense, but this story sounds.....shall we say, contrived.

Your last word says it all, and I think you are not looking for advice on real world relationships, but rather seeing if you can get the DIS moving on some sort of discussion. the subsequent post you made show that some posters have given you some very good advice (thearpy/counseling) and you have sidestepped that avenue.

enjoy the malstrom you are creating.

You say you graduated college? what did you study, what was your major?
what kind of work do you do? I think the highlighted statement may be more closer to reality than you will admit. YES?

You call a 21 year old a kid, and yet you are only a few years older. Hmmm,
netflix must not have been as fast! This sounds suspeciously like several plots of movies mashed together!

Of course, this is just my opinion, as I think I read it on the DIS!

Grumpy come on can't you see this chic is hurting!

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Grumpy come on can't you see this chic is hurting!

Hmmm, not enough RUM ta accomplish that!!

hehehehehe

Mmmm, chicken wings and RUM!!!

what?

 

[mmackeymouse]

You say you graduated college? what did you study, what was your major?
what kind of work do you do? I think the highlighted statement may be more closer to reality than you will admit. YES?

You call a 21 year old a kid, and yet you are only a few years older. Hmmm,
netflix must not have been as fast! This sounds suspeciously like several plots of movies mashed together!

Of course, this is just my opinion, as I think I read it on the DIS!

Er.....oooooohhhhhhhhkay. I assure you I am every bit of 26 years old. I did graduate from college, yes.

I actually majored in Advertising and Public Relations, no joke, and minored in Religious Studies. I currently work at an orthodontist's office.

And, I guess the reason I called him a "kid" is that college seems soooooo long ago, to me, and he is just a sophomore.

And, I have been posting in the cruise forum for a while now, and have never instigated anything. Why on earth would I choose here and now, to post some contrived story?

 

[IloveDMB]

No, no. No therapy for me. While it may not seem "normal" for a 26 year old to pine away for a gorgeous 21 year old male, I am not crazy.

Going to therapy has absolutely nothing to do with being crazy. I'm not ashamed to admit that I spoke with a therapist. I was having insomnia due to test anxiety, and she helped me with relaxation techniques. And no this had nothing to do with being a "hobag" or getting drunk every night.

It seems to me you are unwilling to admit you even have a problem. Pining after a 21 year old athlete you have never met is not good for one's psyche. Why would you come on here asking for help, when it really appears that you don't want any?

 

[mmackeymouse]

It seems to me you are unwilling to admit you even have a problem. Pining after a 21 year old athlete you have never met is not good for one's psyche. Why would you come on here asking for help, when it really appears that you don't want any?

I actually would love many VARIOUS suggestions. I have heard the therapy argument. And, it is definitely something I will look into. Perhaps it will not be a therapist. Maybe it will be a priest or an older mentor.

But, therapy seems to be the only thing that has been recommended, and I would love all different sorts of insight.

The people that talk about personal anecdotes or people they know make much more of an impression than the people that say point blank, "You need to see a shrink. You are not normal."

As I have said before, I appreciate everyone's insight, whether I agree with it or not.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I actually would love many VARIOUS suggestions. I have heard the therapy argument. And, it is definitely something I will look into. Perhaps it will not be a therapist. Maybe it will be a priest or an older mentor.

Then that would be a continuation of you not ready to dig in and face what your issues are.

If you are not ready that is one thing but when you come to the message boards asking for help we are going to tell you the best way to handle it.

Esp. since you are young. If my dd said these things to me I would insist the same thing.

 

[bluesaturn]

No, no. No therapy for me. While it may not seem "normal" for a 26 year old to pine away for a gorgeous 21 year old male, I am not crazy.

People who go to therapy are not "crazy". That is incredibly insulting. Ignorant comments like that make me so mad I can't see straight.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Then that would be a continuation of you not ready to dig in and face what your issues are.

If you are not ready that is one thing but when you come to the message boards asking for help we are going to tell you the best way to handle it.

Esp. since you are young. If my dd said these things to me I would insist the same thing.

You are probably right. Let me explain my reasoning for feeling like therapy is not for me. And, these may seem like excuses, but please understand that I am just trying to get you guys inside my head.

I have always considered my insecurities to be weight-related. And as such, I have always felt like all it would take would be weight loss, and with that weight loss would come confidence. And that has been true to an extent, and maybe the more and more weight that comes off, things will improve.

But, weight seems like a cop out, yes? Not all heavy people are deathly shy, and not all insecure people are heavy. I agree 100%.

But, the thing is......I had a blessed childhood and a very good upbringing. I had/have a very tight-knit family and group of friends. And for the life of me, I cannot point to any traumatic experiences that would have caused my insecurities. (none moreso than any typical teen)

You know how on Dr Phil or Biggest Loser, they always come up with "the moment" where things changed in a person's life, and once they figure out the moment, they can face their demons. But, I don't really have a "moment" like that. If I do, it is buried way way WAY down in my subconscience.

While I agree that my penshants toward unattainable guys is probably not normal, I just don't know if there really is anything to discover. But, it is definitely something to think about.

 

[bluesaturn]

You are probably right. Let me explain my reasoning for feeling like therapy is not for me. And, these may seem like excuses, but please understand that I am just trying to get you guys inside my head.

I have always considered my insecurities to be weight-related. And as such, I have always felt like all it would take would be weight loss, and with that weight loss would come confidence. And that has been true to an extent, and maybe the more and more weight that comes off, things will improve.

But, weight seems like a cop out, yes? Not all heavy people are deathly shy, and not all insecure people are heavy. I agree 100%.

But, the thing is......I had a blessed childhood and a very good upbringing. I had/have a very tight-knit family and group of friends. And for the life of me, I cannot point to any traumatic experiences that would have caused my insecurities. (none moreso than any typical teen)

You know how on Dr Phil or Biggest Loser, they always come up with "the moment" where things changed in a person's life, and once they figure out the moment, they can face their demons. But, I don't really have a "moment" like that. If I do, it is buried way way WAY down in my subconscience.

While I agree that my penshants toward unattainable guys is probably not normal, I just don't know if there really is anything to discover. But, it is definitely something to think about.

Let me just tell you, you have a lot of misconceptions about therapy. Yes, some people do go through a traumatic experience and they change their lifestyle greatly. But lots of people do not. Lots of people live perfectly normal average lives, with no trauma, and they still need a little help (maybe in the form of therapy). Everyone has problems and issues, it is human nature. Some people have more trouble dealing with life than others, that's just the way it is, just the way they are. And please don't think Dr. Phil represents what therapy will be like. The man is not even licensed anymore, has a scandalous history, and is attempting to make entertaining television more than anything.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I am really trying to understand why pretty much EVERYONE is telling her to go into therapy.

I love Keanu Reeves and I do "think" about him

BUT I know that its just a "thought" I beleive that is what the OP is talking about, now I could be wrong but that is my assumption.

The OP seems very shy around men she LIKES and finds it hard to go up and talk to them....how many ladies out there have that same issue?

Come on now, my very very best friend who I love more than anything (female) is very shy when it comes to men, she is soooooo fearful about rejection and grew up in a very loving family and her sister has been with her boyfriend since college she is about 25 now and lives with him. However my best friend doesn't date. She finds many men attractive but when we go out, she really won't talk to anyone. She is very shy. She is alot of fun and has many male friends as well but her biggest fear is rejection so she never makes an effort and she is a bit overweight but she is such a great and good person and she is beautiful. But let's be honest here especially for the men that answered if you are not skinny and I am even talking a size 8 here. Guys aren't interested and if they "are" 9 times out of 10 its for "other" reasons.

OP, if you are having "real" relationships in your head with celebrities or other people then that is something that might mean for you to talk it out with someone but if thats not the case then I don't feel that therapy is warrented.

 

[SorcererDonald16]

You are probably right. Let me explain my reasoning for feeling like therapy is not for me. And, these may seem like excuses, but please understand that I am just trying to get you guys inside my head.

I have always considered my insecurities to be weight-related. And as such, I have always felt like all it would take would be weight loss, and with that weight loss would come confidence. And that has been true to an extent, and maybe the more and more weight that comes off, things will improve.

But, weight seems like a cop out, yes? Not all heavy people are deathly shy, and not all insecure people are heavy. I agree 100%.

But, the thing is......I had a blessed childhood and a very good upbringing. I had/have a very tight-knit family and group of friends. And for the life of me, I cannot point to any traumatic experiences that would have caused my insecurities. (none moreso than any typical teen)

You know how on Dr Phil or Biggest Loser, they always come up with "the moment" where things changed in a person's life, and once they figure out the moment, they can face their demons. But, I don't really have a "moment" like that. If I do, it is buried way way WAY down in my subconscience.

While I agree that my penshants toward unattainable guys is probably not normal, I just don't know if there really is anything to discover. But, it is definitely something to think about.

As others told you, Dr. Phil gives therapists/counselors a bad name. A really bad name. The average counselor is not going to be the problem solving type. At least, they're ethically not supposed to be. They're there to help you help yourself. Most people don't have some deep moment where things started going wrong, but rather just need some help processing their feelings and talking things out.

Did your school have a guidance counselor? If so, that's the old name for school counselors. And school counselors from accredited programs are trained much the same way as counselors who work with adults are. So while counseling might seem "out there" and something you can't imagine, if you've ever talked to your counselor in school about a problem, you've already experienced some form of it.

Just from my perspective though, it sounds like you had a crush on a semi-famous person. Plenty of people get these and feel disappointed when they find out the guy is taken. Have you ever read some Nascar driver-focused boards right around the time a driver shows up with a new girlfriend? Yeowch! Believe me, I doubt you'd feel abnormal if you read some of the complete meltdowns some of the fans have over guys they've never met. Being sad for a bit is one thing. I've seen a few grown women cry when their favorite actors got married. But after a few days they get over it and move on.

I can imagine small-town life is hard though. I don't know if you go to church, but if so, maybe try a church the next town over that has a good singles ministry. Not even to meet guys to date, but just to be around other people your age who are single. Or find some kind of activity to join if you have time, whether it's a book club or travel club, etc. I know you said you like athletes, but do you like the sports at all? I'm fairly shy myself, but I've met some really nice and wonderful people at the games/events I've been to over the years that I now consider friends. It's all about figuring out what you like and then going to places where there should be like minded people there.

And always remember, there's nothing wrong with being single.

My thought is, everything works out in its own time. You yourself put it very nicely when you said at least you hadn't been engaged five times. You could've found someone very young and wound up divorced already. Unfortunately, that's what happened to a dear friend of mine. Coupledom isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Er.....oooooohhhhhhhhkay. I assure you I am every bit of 26 years old. I did graduate from college, yes.

I actually majored in Advertising and Public Relations, no joke, and minored in Religious Studies. I currently work at an orthodontist's office.

And, I guess the reason I called him a "kid" is that college seems soooooo long ago, to me, and he is just a sophomore.

And, I have been posting in the cruise forum for a while now, and have never instigated anything. Why on earth would I choose here and now, to post some contrived story?

New rule update.

several people have given you good solid advice, as you requested, and yet you continue to explain away that you are different than any others in the world, that normal methods will not work for you.

Hmmmmmmm, when are you going to add other information that has been left out?

Perhaps all the other posters just don't know what will help, and you are fishing for certain answers that nobody will be able to think of, until you suggest it to us?

The plot thickens! This reminds me of a movie I saw a while back!!

good luck!!

 

[Todd&Copper]

Alas, my heart is broken yet again. I feel like I have some odd disconnect with reality.

I come from a very small town, so many of my crushes were people that I never met. When I was much younger, the objects of my affection were movie stars and musicians and such. And every time I found out one of them had a girlfriend, my heart was broken. And most times, they inevitably broke up, but I had usually moved on to bigger and better things.

Then, I went off to college, where I could set my sight on guys in my actual proximity. Coming from a small town, and an even smaller school, I had never been around so many guys at once before. Some were athletic, some were artsy, some were outgoing, others mysterious. It was like a smorgasboard of guys, all in one setting. I always had my eye on some guy, usually way out of my league. But, at least my interests were in "real" guys, and not just guys I had admired from afar.

Of course, I always hung out with guys who were losers, while the ones I was actually interested in, I never dared to speak to, due to my terrible insecurities. My plan, whether it was a famous person or local person, was always to lose massive amounts of weight, become "hot," then I just KNEW that we would find each other and they would fall in love with me. I just knew it.

Welcome to the insecure psyche of a fat girl.

Fast forward to now. Ever since I graduated from college, I have not been much into guys and dating and whatever. I have bee so concentrated on my job, I often don't even think about it. Plus, I have not found any guys in my town that intrigue me as much as the guys from college, the athletes I see on TV, etc etc.

Until I found this guy. Now, here I am 26 years old, pining away for a 21 year old kid. What's the problem, you ask? Oh, well, we have never met, and most likely will never meet, because he lives thousands of miles away from me, and oh yeah, will probably be playing in the NFL. Then, this morning I find out he does, in fact, have a girlfriend. And, the heart feels broken yet again. I feel like I am 16 years old again, upset because the guy I like is taken.

A guy I was likely never gonna meet, yet I had convinced myself that somehow we were gonna meet and fall madly in love. Do I have the mentality of a teenager? Why do I have such an inclination for daydream relationships?

HELP!

I am really trying to understand why pretty much EVERYONE is telling her to go into therapy.
I love Keanu Reeves and I do "think" about him

BUT I know that its just a "thought" I beleive that is what the OP is talking about, now I could be wrong but that is my assumption.

The OP seems very shy around men she LIKES and finds it hard to go up and talk to them....how many ladies out there have that same issue?

Come on now, my very very best friend who I love more than anything (female) is very shy when it comes to men, she is soooooo fearful about rejection and grew up in a very loving family and her sister has been with her boyfriend since college she is about 25 now and lives with him. However my best friend doesn't date. She finds many men attractive but when we go out, she really won't talk to anyone. She is very shy. She is alot of fun and has many male friends as well but her biggest fear is rejection so she never makes an effort and she is a bit overweight but she is such a great and good person and she is beautiful. But let's be honest here especially for the men that answered if you are not skinny and I am even talking a size 8 here. Guys aren't interested and if they "are" 9 times out of 10 its for "other" reasons.

OP, if you are having "real" relationships in your head with celebrities or other people then that is something that might mean for you to talk it out with someone but if thats not the case then I don't feel that therapy is warrented.

People are suggesting therapy because she seems to be forsaking real, live men in favor of a fantasy with a future NFL hopeful [Tim Tebow, perhaps?] and getting personally upset when she finds out he is not available. This might be acceptable feelings for a tween or younger teen, who doesn't really know better, but to feel such devastation in your late 20s is a bit extreme.

I mean, when I was 11 and found out Michael J. Fox had a girlfriend (this was before he married Tracey Pollan) I was upset. When I was 16 and had a "crush" on Christian Slater, I already knew I wasn't going to fly off to Hollywood, bump into him at some club, magically fall in love and get married. I may have had a *passing* fantasy, but I was not sitting at home pining away for a celebrity while bemoaning the wealth of losers from which I had to chose a boyfriend.

Therapy can help the OP get her head out of the clouds and start seeing what is right in front of her rather than focusing ont he unattainable. It can help her overcome her extreme fear of rejection. She may even learn that there are decent men out there who don't automatically write-off a "fat" girl as a potential girlfriend.

 

[Disney Darling]

Let me just tell you, you have a lot of misconceptions about therapy. Yes, some people do go through a traumatic experience and they change their lifestyle greatly. But lots of people do not. Lots of people live perfectly normal average lives, with no trauma, and they still need a little help (maybe in the form of therapy). Everyone has problems and issues, it is human nature. Some people have more trouble dealing with life than others, that's just the way it is, just the way they are. And please don't think Dr. Phil represents what therapy will be like. The man is not even licensed anymore, has a scandalous history, and is attempting to make entertaining television more than anything.

Ain't this the truth! And, not all therapists are the same just like not all doctors, teachers or preachers are the same. Sometimes you may have to leave one and go to another that is better suited to you and your personalities and your goals.

I am really trying to understand why pretty much EVERYONE is telling her to go into therapy.

I guess everyone is telling her to speak with a counselor or therapist because that's what the majority feel she should do. It's kind of like a life line in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. She polled the crowd and this is what they feel is the best answer. When the majority of people are telling you the same thing over and over again maybe you should listen or at least take it into consideration? Repeatedly it's been suggested to go and speak to someone and everytime the OP, who is the one who asked for advice in the first place, says No, no, no. That's not what I want to hear. . . tell me something else. Tell me what I want to hear. Sorry, but the OP asked a crowd of strangers (ever hear of the Wisdom of Crowds?) who have collectively pretty much advised the same thing. If she wants someone to pat her on the back and tell her everything is going to be just fine, maybe she should go and ask her best friend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am really trying to understand why pretty much EVERYONE is telling her to go into therapy.

Because we are parents and it is pretty clear she needs it.

She has some serious pyschological issues that need to be worked out in a professional setting.

She is scared to begin this process, which is understandable.

She reached out here and all we can do is try to steer her in the right direction.

 

[AftertheSunset]

People are suggesting therapy because she seems to be forsaking real, live men in favor of a fantasy with a future NFL hopeful [Tim Tebow, perhaps?] and getting personally upset when she finds out he is not available. This might be acceptable feelings for a tween or younger teen, who doesn't really know better, but to feel such devastation in your late 20s is a bit extreme.
I mean, when I was 11 and found out Michael J. Fox had a girlfriend (this was before he married Tracey Pollan) I was upset. When I was 16 and had a "crush" on Christian Slater, I already knew I wasn't going to fly off to Hollywood, bump into him at some club, magically fall in love and get married. I may have had a *passing* fantasy, but I was not sitting at home pining away for a celebrity while bemoaning the wealth of losers from which I had to chose a boyfriend.
Therapy can help the OP get her head out of the clouds and start seeing what is right in front of her rather than focusing ont he unattainable. It can help her overcome her extreme fear of rejection. She may even learn that there are decent men out there who don't automatically write-off a "fat" girl as a potential girlfriend.

Exactly, you hit the nail right on the head.

It's one thing to have a *thing* for a celebrity (I've been known to daydream about Pierce Brosnan on a few occasions ), but it's quite another to be "heartbroken" when that celebrity finds a significant other. An adult, a true adult, KNOWS that their celebrity fantasy is just that....a fantasy.

By not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality shows a true lack of immaturity and the inability to deal with reality. Therefore, you ARE an excellent candidate for therapy.

You're 26 years old and heartbroken that a celebrity has a girlfriend....That just screams off warning bells to me.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Whoever told you only "crazy" people go into therapy? That really IS a crazy idea.

People use therapy - which is mostly just talking things out with a trained professional - in order to learn about themselves, see things in a new way, gain the perspective of someone else, etc. It's NOT because they are "crazy."

And, no offense, but it sounds like you are the perfect candidate for a good therapist.

I agree!

 

[mjkacmom]

I totally agree, too. OP, have you had "real" romantic relationships? Do you have close friendships with other women? The fantasies you describe sound like ones girls have during adolescence, not as adult women. It sounds like maybe your emotional development hit a standstill or something. I suggest talking to a professional.