Trouble with Reality

[mmackeymouse]

I totally agree, too. OP, have you had "real" romantic relationships? Do you have close friendships with other women? The fantasies you describe sound like ones girls have during adolescence, not as adult women. It sounds like maybe your emotional development hit a standstill or something. I suggest talking to a professional.

Actually, no I have never had a boyfriend. I have been on exactly one date, which was awful. Yes, I have had many very close female friends. I have been quite blessed.

To a previous poster, yech to Tim Tebow. No offense if you are a fan. Think his much handsomer, much more reserved Heisman successor. Hehe.

And, honestly I would never invest myself into a fantasy relationsip so much as to miss the boat on a real one. At least I hope I wouldn't. But, I just have not met any guys with the personality traits that I prefer. Lookswise, I am not picky, I truly am not. But I do have preferences when it comes to personality, virtue, education, etc etc.

And maybe you are right about the maturity standstill. Maybe the fact that I have not ever had a significant relationship and missed out on the experiences of high school and college has something to do with it. What you need to understand however, is that I am confident and mature and balanced in pretty much every other area of my life.

Just something about guys, I guess....

 

[chisnpeke]

There's a difference between having a "crush" on a celebrity and having your heart broken when they have a partner. I think Johnny Depp is hot, but I don't care that he has Vanessa.

I also doubt that your weight is the only thing affecting your confidence. I really suggest talking to someone to help you sort out your feelings (therapist, minister, etc). I really do think it would help.

I do think you need to maybe go on dates with guys you wouldn't normally go for. You might get lucky! I can understand not wanting to go out that much though, because I am the same way.

Good luck!

 

[honugirl]

I know how hard it is to be overweight and try to date. It's horrible! But I learned that I have to be comfortable and happy with myself before anyone else is going to like me.

I've also started to learn how much fun doing things by myself is. I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do and go home when I want to go home. I can converse with whom ever I choose without feeling guilty.

Maybe you should try to work on both of those things? Once you get those down pat, then it's easier to fall into a real relationship because honestly, men want a woman who can be independent and has things of their own to do.

I'd probably recommend some therapy too. While I have crushes on actors or singers or sports guys (hey, who doesn't?) and some days I wish that I could be married to them, I mean, who wouldn't want to wake up to Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig's face? I realize that it's just a dream and it's never going to happen, so I need to be happy with what I have. I even have a serious crush on one of my docs, but I know that's is one relationship that would never work out! So, I indulge in my little dreams, then get back to reality.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I commend you on your weight loss and as harsh as it may seem, the more weight you lose the more guys will be interested.
On the other hand, I also think therapy would benefit you. You should not be this much in fantasyland at age 26. I'd hate to see you end up like David Letterman's stalker, or an old woman with 20 cats. Call a therapist.
Robin M.

 

[mickeysgal]

By continuing to live with visions of a starstudded celebrity romance in your head, you're purposely avoiding the work and effort needed to step into the everyday ho-hum world of real people and real guys. Guys that don't have a million dollar body or million dollar looks or a million dollar job. It is a safe place for you right now and all the prodding and encouraging that is done to you will not make you move from your safe place until you decide it's time. You will stay rooted in place until you get sick and tired of the current relationship situation (or lack thereof) just like you did with your weight. There must have been a time that triggered your decision to get the weight off. There will become a time (or at least I hope so) that you will decide that you are ready to try a real relationship even IF it results in a rejection. Each time you step into a relationship, it may result in a rejection. But you know what? It will make you stronger, you will learn what you like and dislike, and it will get easier. Right now it looks scary. You're looking over a black abyss and are afraid to take the relationship leap. I think you will come to terms with it in time and decide enough is enough. You did it (and are continuing to do it) with your weight - good job by the way - and you will do this when the time is right with relationships.

 

[HumanLegs]

Well I don't necessarily think therapy is the best bet for you. You say you talk to your family, etc. what have they said about this? I totally get that in real life you get tongue tied around guys you find interesting. Happens to the best of us. Have you tried online dating? That might be easier for you since you can think about what you're going to type and so on. You could get to know someone before you actually meet them face to face. That way there might be fewer tongue-tied moments.

As far as your insecurities being tied to your weight, you are dead wrong. I'm a fat chick myself and always thought "if I lose this weight it will be ok" It won't. Even if you become a size 2 you'll still have all the same insecurities. It never ends. Once you become thin you'll fixate on sagging skin, or fat arms. Your insecurities won't be gone, they'll just get redirected somewhere else. The thing you need to work on is yourself. Your own self-image and worth. You're worth having a real man, not some crush there's not a chnce to end up with. You're worth having someone care for you, do nice things for you, etc. YOU need to realize that about yourself. So you're fat. Honestly, no one but you cares. In fact there are men who PREFER bigger women. I'm not saying you should seek out chubby chasers but realize that just because they like big women that they aren't necessarily using you just for that either.

Honestly I think coming in here, posting a new topic and then trying to justify by saying you have your head on straight and have good relationship role models is something you do alot. You WANT help but then all you do is justify yourself that you aren't as bad as you make yourself out to be. That's not doing you ANY good at all. If you want help then listen to what people have to say. Don't justify yourself all the time. Everyone has problems and insecurities. Seems like you're looking for someone to post your 'aha' moment. It's not gonna happen. If you've had these kind of problems your whole life they won't just go away. Maybe you'll always be a shy person, that's ok. Maybe you'll always be a homebody, that's ok too. If you want a relationship you need to find someone with like qualities. You won't find a homebody as a football star, or singer, or actor. Maybe have your friends introduce you to someone they know. Thing is if you aren't open to someone nothing will EVER happen for you. If all you think is that it'll fail, it always will. Go into things with no expectations and you usually don't get disappointed. Dont' treat every meeting like you have to do everything right. Enjoy messing up sometimes, enjoy your mistakes.

 

[blwmlx]

Alas, my heart is broken yet again. I feel like I have some odd disconnect with reality.

I come from a very small town, so many of my crushes were people that I never met. When I was much younger, the objects of my affection were movie stars and musicians and such. And every time I found out one of them had a girlfriend, my heart was broken. And most times, they inevitably broke up, but I had usually moved on to bigger and better things.

Then, I went off to college, where I could set my sight on guys in my actual proximity. Coming from a small town, and an even smaller school, I had never been around so many guys at once before. Some were athletic, some were artsy, some were outgoing, others mysterious. It was like a smorgasboard of guys, all in one setting. I always had my eye on some guy, usually way out of my league. But, at least my interests were in \\\\\\\"real\\\\\\\" guys, and not just guys I had admired from afar.

Of course, I always hung out with guys who were losers, while the ones I was actually interested in, I never dared to speak to, due to my terrible insecurities. My plan, whether it was a famous person or local person, was always to lose massive amounts of weight, become \\\\\\\"hot,\\\\\\\" then I just KNEW that we would find each other and they would fall in love with me. I just knew it.

Welcome to the insecure psyche of a fat girl.

Fast forward to now. Ever since I graduated from college, I have not been much into guys and dating and whatever. I have bee so concentrated on my job, I often don\\\\\\\'t even think about it. Plus, I have not found any guys in my town that intrigue me as much as the guys from college, the athletes I see on TV, etc etc.

Until I found this guy. Now, here I am 26 years old, pining away for a 21 year old kid. What\\\\\\\'s the problem, you ask? Oh, well, we have never met, and most likely will never meet, because he lives thousands of miles away from me, and oh yeah, will probably be playing in the NFL. Then, this morning I find out he does, in fact, have a girlfriend. And, the heart feels broken yet again. I feel like I am 16 years old again, upset because the guy I like is taken.

A guy I was likely never gonna meet, yet I had convinced myself that somehow we were gonna meet and fall madly in love. Do I have the mentality of a teenager? Why do I have such an inclination for daydream relationships?

HELP!

Maybe you are looking at your problem the wrong way. You have been given a gift to create a world in your head. You have a vivid imagination. Use it to your advantage. Do you write stories or plays or poetry?

Before you turn to therapy or drugs, try seeing the talent you have as a good thing. Start a diary and then use that as the basis for a story.

Best of luck to you.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Honestly I think coming in here, posting a new topic and then trying to justify by saying you have your head on straight and have good relationship role models is something you do alot. You WANT help but then all you do is justify yourself that you aren't as bad as you make yourself out to be.

You make it sound like you don't believe me or that I am lying about having good role models, etc. The fact is that while I may be living in lala land when it comes to guys.....and remember, I do this with famous guys AND real guys, too, but I have honestly lived a very normal, blessed life.

Now, maybe I am considered not normal because I never had a rebellious period, or because I never went through the college partying stage. Some people say I am sheltered or a goody two shoes or whatever. Perhaps that has contributed to my psyche, I don't know.

Maybe you are looking at your problem the wrong way. You have been given a gift to create a world in your head. You have a vivid imagination. Use it to your advantage. Do you write stories or plays or poetry?

Before you turn to therapy or drugs, try seeing the talent you have as a good thing. Start a diary and then use that as the basis for a story.

Best of luck to you.

Actually, YES. I used to write quite a bit. I started college with the intention of being a newspaper/magazine writer, but due to the realization that I would not work the hours I wanted (to be able to spend time with family), I moved to Ad/PR.

I was a devout fiction reader when I was much younger. I was at the library pretty much every single day that it was open during the summers. They had a reading contest every summer, and I would leave with stacks of books to read. That may have contributed to my imagination.

Toward the end of high school and into college, my reading tendencies drifted toward more classic novels, non-fiction, religious works. Within the last couple of years, I have re-invested myself in fictional works, like Harry Potter and Twilight.

It has been YEARS since i have written fiction

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Is "Three Billy Goats Gruff" antagonist enough of a indicator into her "problems" as stated.

sheesh.

 

[blwmlx]

It has been YEARS since i have written fiction

Well, maybe it is time you started up again. Not everyone can do what you do. I am not so sure I do no feel sorry for those who cannot.

Ones fantasies, dreams, and disappointments can be a great basis for a story, a play, or a poem.

Feeling things the way you do hurts, but would you rather not feel them?

One size does not fit all when it comes to life.

Good luck to you.

 

[mjkacmom]

How are your other relationships? Do you have a few close friends, a bunch of aquintances? Do you have a roommate? Live alone? Are you close to your immediate family? I know that at your age, a lot are getting married, and that can be hard. You say you like to read - does your library have a book club? I love my DH, but I need my girlfiends, too.

 

[GothTink]

No, no. No therapy for me. While it may not seem "normal" for a 26 year old to pine away for a gorgeous 21 year old male, I am not crazy.

Therapy isn't just for crazy people. It sounds like you might benefit from having a professional to talk to.

 

[DisneyJules]

Yes, I totally know what's going on here. I know, because I use to be this way. And as others said, you keep yourself in this supposed 'safe' place that doesn't allow you to get into scenarios where you may experience some anxiety dating, or you may risk seriously getting your heartbroken. And while I did have some bad luck with guys, it was almost more comfortable to not have anything work out and complain that nothing was going my way. This was very difficult to see while I was going out and I think it was like I didn't want to go out with someone, I did. But I was scared at the same time. I've finally met a wonderful guy, who's too sweet for words. It is scary some times, I've realized I sort of retreat sometimes when we have a disagreement ect.. But I know with every relationship is going to come some conflict and to be honest, I think we get along really well. It's just reality. And sometimes he does say things that hurt my feelings, I'm sure I've done it to him too. What I'm trying to say is, as scary as it is to get into a "real" relationship, it's well worth it and you'll be fine. Building things up in your mind and living in this make believe dream may be safe, but it's far less exciting than being in an actual relationship, or at least that's how I feel now.
Good luck!

Oh and one more thing! In terms of weight and security, the two do not go hand in hand. I can tell you I have plenty of insecurities and feel some days as if I'm not attractive enough and I've been thin all my life. It really does come from within