Trouble with Reality

[mmackeymouse]

Alas, my heart is broken yet again. I feel like I have some odd disconnect with reality.

I come from a very small town, so many of my crushes were people that I never met. When I was much younger, the objects of my affection were movie stars and musicians and such. And every time I found out one of them had a girlfriend, my heart was broken. And most times, they inevitably broke up, but I had usually moved on to bigger and better things.

Then, I went off to college, where I could set my sight on guys in my actual proximity. Coming from a small town, and an even smaller school, I had never been around so many guys at once before. Some were athletic, some were artsy, some were outgoing, others mysterious. It was like a smorgasboard of guys, all in one setting. I always had my eye on some guy, usually way out of my league. But, at least my interests were in "real" guys, and not just guys I had admired from afar.

Of course, I always hung out with guys who were losers, while the ones I was actually interested in, I never dared to speak to, due to my terrible insecurities. My plan, whether it was a famous person or local person, was always to lose massive amounts of weight, become "hot," then I just KNEW that we would find each other and they would fall in love with me. I just knew it.

Welcome to the insecure psyche of a fat girl.

Fast forward to now. Ever since I graduated from college, I have not been much into guys and dating and whatever. I have bee so concentrated on my job, I often don't even think about it. Plus, I have not found any guys in my town that intrigue me as much as the guys from college, the athletes I see on TV, etc etc.

Until I found this guy. Now, here I am 26 years old, pining away for a 21 year old kid. What's the problem, you ask? Oh, well, we have never met, and most likely will never meet, because he lives thousands of miles away from me, and oh yeah, will probably be playing in the NFL. Then, this morning I find out he does, in fact, have a girlfriend. And, the heart feels broken yet again. I feel like I am 16 years old again, upset because the guy I like is taken.

A guy I was likely never gonna meet, yet I had convinced myself that somehow we were gonna meet and fall madly in love. Do I have the mentality of a teenager? Why do I have such an inclination for daydream relationships?

HELP!

 

[c4a]

It may sound trite but love will find you when you least expect it but are most ready for it.

Sounds like a series of crushes. All "safe". No real way of getting hurt. Entertaining & fun...butterflies in December...but not real love. Perhaps, growing up you saw the adults in your life struggle with relationships? I don't know. Maybe you fear rejection or have feelings of not being good enough? (Which to the one...well, you won't be perfect but they will love you for you, reguardless.) I think in your heart you know the answer to that question.

If the guys in your town are a snore; perhaps it is time to find a new town? Not necessarily move. But maybe take a class in a nearby town? The thing is don't go into it looking to meet a guy; instead do it for you. Do it because it is something that you are passionate about learning. Volunteer somewhere. It really doesn't matter what you choose as long as it makes you happy. And lets face it...sitting at home with the face buried in the ice cream container only feeds the emotional hunger for so long. KWIM?

Dh and I were friends first. I think that helps. We already "got" each other. There were no pretenses, games, or any of that stuff. It just happened it seems. The thing is loving oneself first makes it easier for others to love us. Make sense?

 

[mmackeymouse]

It may sound trite but love will find you when you least expect it but are most ready for it.

Sounds like a series of crushes. All "safe". No real way of getting hurt. Entertaining & fun...butterflies in December...but not real love. Perhaps, growing up you saw the adults in your life struggle with relationships? I don't know. Maybe you fear rejection or have feelings of not being good enough? (Which to the one...well, you won't be perfect but they will love you for you, reguardless.) I think in your heart you know the answer to that question.

If the guys in your town are a snore; perhaps it is time to find a new town? Not necessarily move. But maybe take a class in a nearby town? The thing is don't go into it looking to meet a guy; instead do it for you. Do it because it is something that you are passionate about learning. Volunteer somewhere. It really doesn't matter what you choose as long as it makes you happy. And lets face it...sitting at home with the face buried in the ice cream container only feeds the emotional hunger for so long. KWIM?

Dh and I were friends first. I think that helps. We already "got" each other. There were no pretenses, games, or any of that stuff. It just happened it seems. The thing is loving oneself first makes it easier for others to love us. Make sense?

Actually, no, I had GREAT role models as far as relationships are concerned. My godparents were childhood sweethearts. My aunt and uncle were high school sweethearts. And my mom and dad....they met in their 20's. I never saw them fight much. They are not really "affectionate" toward each other, but every so often, they will do something that reassures us that they really do love each other. I have actually been very blessed in the fact that when it comes to my family and relatives and friends, I was never really around fighting and divorce and abuse. Very blessed.

And maybe that is the problem. I always wanted what they had. It just seemed so easy for them. I mean, heck, when you meet your soul mate when you are 11 years old, how do you beat that? Though things were not perfect, everyone seemed so happy. You know, when I compare the world I grew up in, where I can only think of one of my friends whose parents are divorced, and everyone else's is still together, with the "real world" where in my job at LEAST 50% of the cases we see are a divorce case, I feel like maybe the way I was raised caused me to believe in this sort of ideal world that just does not exist anymore.

I actually go to church in a nearby town, and....it is not that the guys I see are a snore. I just do not see any that pique my interest the way others do. For example, there is a guy at the gym that I like seeing when I go (who has a girlfriend, of course). But I do not find myself dreaming about him, daydreaming, things like that.

Now, you DID hit the nail on the head, as I have an intense fear of rejection. And major insecurities. The school I went to had less than 100 students, so we were all quite close. Talking to guys was never an issue for me. Then, I went off to college, and I half expected that I would be a social butterfly and date around, this, that, and the other. I mean, I knew I was not a stunner, but I figured there would be SOME guys that would speak to me, and it just did not happen. Of course, I've been told, I give the "don't talk to me" vibe, so who knows. I am deathly shy, and when guys DID talk to me, I often said something completely backwards or stuttered or came across as a complete idiot. Verbal dyslexia caused by guys, I guess you could say.

And you are right, crushes from afar ARE safer than putting myself out there. Then, why do I feel so crummy when I find out they are taken?

 

[GoodFairies]

I think you need to see a therapist. Normal 25-year olds do not live in daydreams.

 

[Angelhalo]

My suggestion is to work on your shyness. No one wants to talk to someone who gives off a don't talk to me vibe. Is there any kind of school counselor or anything like that that you could talk too?

I am not a thin girl and I was always "The funny girl" I had TONS of guy friends but none ever thought of dating me no matter what I did. I finally just quit worrying about it and just did everything for me. I stopped looking for mr right. I met my DH when i went out to karaoke one night with a friend. She wanted me to meet some other guy and I ended up meeting my DH. I wasn't looking for him and there he was. You have to be able to talk to people though in order to meet him. Maybe join some sort of activity that forces you to interact with people so that you won't be so self concious. Guys care abour confidence. You don't have to be Miss America to be confident. I have my down days, and I know I'm not a beuaty queen, but I know I clean up real nice too! You need to learn to have confidence in yourself, because if you don't they won't want to talk to you, no matter what you look like on the outside.

its EASY to fantasize when you feel like you are different than everyone else. A lack of confidence makes you want tolive in a dream world where no one will hurt you. I completely understand. You are not abnormal. You just need some help to make yourself happy with who you are and then others will start to see it too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A guy I was likely never gonna meet, yet I had convinced myself that somehow we were gonna meet and fall madly in love. Do I have the mentality of a teenager? Why do I have such an inclination for daydream relationships?

HELP!

Here is my take on it.....

You "want" what you want when you are your "healthy self".

However you have not reached that step yet, so you continue the unhealthy act of pining away for something that is not real.

In order to be "whole" you have to become healthy physically and mentally. Then you will have some answers for yourself.

And also are you in therapy? Might need to work on some of these issues with a professional.

Although the DISboards seem wise we are not licensed physicians.

 

[mmackeymouse]

No, no. No therapy for me. While it may not seem "normal" for a 26 year old to pine away for a gorgeous 21 year old male, I am not crazy.

In fact, compared to some of the people I went to high school with, I consider myself pretty balanced. I have not been engaged five times. I am not pregnant. My college passtime was not partying till I passed out. And my college ambition was not to become some idiotic frat's hobag queen. (No offense to anyone intended).

I have always been very even keel, with my priorities very straight. It may mean I am boring, but I would much rather spend my weekends maxing out my Netflix account in my PJ's than in some smoky room getting beer spilled on me. Both have happened, and I much prefer the former. Maybe, this is why I give off the "don't talk to me" vibe?

I don't know if you have looked at my counter, but I am definitely working on bettering myself, so to speak. I have actually lost 35 lbs since I graduated from college. And, yes, I see and feel the weight loss, and sometimes I look in the mirror and think that I really look almost.....cute. But, I am still terrified to speak to guys.

 

[cruellababy]

I think you need to see a therapist. Normal 25-year olds do not live in daydreams.

I was going to also suggest this-please think about it.

 

[BelleBoo&AmisMum]

You need to step away from the computer, make some real friends, good friends and move on with your life.

You can lose all the weight you want but you'll always have the issue with living in a fantasy world and not connecting with other people. And those "losers" you are around, you could be passing up someone amazing because he doesn't fit your idea of a dream husband.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Love works in strange ways.

Not too long ago, I was on the verge of severe depression because the man I "loved" and thought I was going to spend my life with told me (repeatedly) that I wasn't as "good" as his ex gf (who was apparently from what I can tell a supermodel, masseuse, 5 start chef, p*rn star director, rocket scientist millionaire supernanny nun) and made me cry myself to sleep every night.

When I finally worked up the guts and self esteem to leave him because I couldn't take the pain anymore, I woke up, snapped out of the fog and met the man of my dreams who treats me like a queen every day.

Things change. It might seem hard to believe now, feeling the pain, but it will get better.

I'd suggest just meeting people, try to just befriend them and see what happens. Maybe join a local club or group for an interest of yours or church group if you're religious. The more people you meet, the more comfortable you will be with setting your sights on a boyfriend who is actually local.

 

[DVCLiz]

Whoever told you only "crazy" people go into therapy? That really IS a crazy idea.

People use therapy - which is mostly just talking things out with a trained professional - in order to learn about themselves, see things in a new way, gain the perspective of someone else, etc. It's NOT because they are "crazy."

And, no offense, but it sounds like you are the perfect candidate for a good therapist.

 

[L107ANGEL]

First I want to give you a hug and say chin up

You sound much like someone I love with all of my heart. I saw her hang with losers due to thinking the other kids not wanting her around. Shielding herself to the point where others thought she was a snob, etc. It was a long road to see her become the wonderfull person she is, but she did it with therapy.

Now me? I grew up in an opposite manner. My mom was a divorced working woman before it was common. My grandparents never even slept on the same floor let alone the same room. A lady did not show public displays of affection etc.

I grew up and decided to take what I cherished and carry them on. The stuff I realized was not for me, I changed. I tell my loved ones I love you everday, kiss hug, whatever. I also did this with help from a wonderfull friend who is now in the medical field.

Please dont write off therapy. I assure you with the right therapist you will feel much better, and be happier. Lets face it people gravitate to happy people!

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you have Happy Holidays

 

[JulyGirl]

You need to get out and date real guys--- even if they are below your "standards". I always enjoyed dating different types of guys. Some I never saw after one or two dates, but they were all good learning experiences. I knew exactly what I was looking for by the time I met my DH. You need to socialize with people if you are ever going to find a REAL mate.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, no. No therapy for me. While it may not seem "normal" for a 26 year old to pine away for a gorgeous 21 year old male, I am not crazy.

In fact, compared to some of the people I went to high school with, I consider myself pretty balanced. I have not been engaged five times. I am not pregnant. My college passtime was not partying till I passed out. And my college ambition was not to become some idiotic frat's hobag queen. (No offense to anyone intended).

I have always been very even keel, with my priorities very straight. It may mean I am boring, but I would much rather spend my weekends maxing out my Netflix account in my PJ's than in some smoky room getting beer spilled on me. Both have happened, and I much prefer the former. Maybe, this is why I give off the "don't talk to me" vibe?

I don't know if you have looked at my counter, but I am definitely working on bettering myself, so to speak. I have actually lost 35 lbs since I graduated from college. And, yes, I see and feel the weight loss, and sometimes I look in the mirror and think that I really look almost.....cute. But, I am still terrified to speak to guys.

OK people have given you advice and you are NOT listening. In fact you are justifying yourself. In order to help yourself you have to work on the issues.
"Terrified to speak to guys" suggests a severe level of anxiety.
You need to seek therapy.

 

[chrisw127]

First, congrats on your weight loss. Good for you. Also, I'd like to say I think you're really brave for posting this here.

It's perfectly fine to not be in a couple if that's what you want, but that doesn't sound like the case here. I would not write off therapy. Not long term, but maybe to help you figure out why you are checking out of reality and not living the way you want to live. I don't think a shy person is suddenly going to turn into the life of the party because they see a shrink. You are who you are and that's fine; my husband is shy and no amount of therapy in the world will change that and that is fine. But I think it goes deeper than being shy. Something tells me that even if your dream man were to fall out of the sky and land on your living room couch, you might not be ready for that relationship yet.

Good luck. There's someone out there for you.

 

[NMAmy]

No, no. No therapy for me. While it may not seem "normal" for a 26 year old to pine away for a gorgeous 21 year old male, I am not crazy.

In fact, compared to some of the people I went to high school with, I consider myself pretty balanced. I have not been engaged five times. I am not pregnant. My college passtime was not partying till I passed out. And my college ambition was not to become some idiotic frat's hobag queen. (No offense to anyone intended).

I have always been very even keel, with my priorities very straight. It may mean I am boring, but I would much rather spend my weekends maxing out my Netflix account in my PJ's than in some smoky room getting beer spilled on me. Both have happened, and I much prefer the former. Maybe, this is why I give off the "don't talk to me" vibe?

I don't know if you have looked at my counter, but I am definitely working on bettering myself, so to speak. I have actually lost 35 lbs since I graduated from college. And, yes, I see and feel the weight loss, and sometimes I look in the mirror and think that I really look almost.....cute. But, I am still terrified to speak to guys.

Therapy is not just for "crazy" people but helps anybody with problems learn to look at things differently. With the self-esteem issues you've mentioned and the fantasizing over unattainable men, it seems like it would be way more helpful for you to schedule an appointment with a therapist than getting advice on a message board. I wish you the very best and hope things work out well for you.

 

[JustMickey]

Please don't think therapy is for crazy people. It's a terrific way to get help and I agree that you should consider it too.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I can say that I understand to a degree where you are coming from.

If you have friends that are guys then why is it so difficult for you to find a date or a boyfriend? If you have male friends then you CAN talk to guys.

I don't know if therapy is what you need at the moment, just because you are shy doesn't mean you need therapy unless there is something else missing that you haven't told us.

Low self esteem is tough and not matter how skinny you are, you can still have issues about your body. You need to have confiendence and then it will all come into play.

Good Luck and if you want to PM me please feel free to do so.

 

[Disney Darling]

Whoever told you only "crazy" people go into therapy? That really IS a crazy idea.

People use therapy - which is mostly just talking things out with a trained professional - in order to learn about themselves, see things in a new way, gain the perspective of someone else, etc. It's NOT because they are "crazy."

And, no offense, but it sounds like you are the perfect candidate for a good therapist.

AMEN!! Therapy is not just for crazy people! Infact, generally, it's the "crazy" people who don't *think* they're crazy and think they don't need help!

And, FYI, therapy isn't for the weak. It takes a strong person to go to a therapy session and learn things about themselves and their family. There are times you leave feeling like your heart has been ripped out. No, it's not for the weak. I was in therapy for over two years. It was the best thing I could have lovingly done for myself and my family! We are who we are because of our upbringings, external surroundings and constant messages we receive. Sometimes, the only way to become a productive, happy adult is to relearn how to live as an adult; relearn with a different curriculum than we've been taught all of our lives. A counselor or therapist is a teacher. They help us learn about ourselves, our upbringing and how that has affected the choices we make in our lives, and they help us learn how to react or respond differntly. . . more productively.

You are a college graduate, you can grasp the idea of teacher/professor.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

My advise would be get yourself involved into a lot of activities with other people where you laugh, play, talk and get your mind busy. Sounds like you might have a lot of idol time on your hands to daydream.

Heavy set people meet and fall in love all the time, I know we have a guy at our church that dates nothing but heavy set women. I just throw that out there to let you know that not everyone has the same basic idea of the perfect women having to be thin.

Also talking on the internet is ok and can be fun but don't make it your main focus, 90% of the people you talk to online are never who they really are, for example I talk all the time on the disboard about drinking a beer or rum etc..in real life I wouldn't touch the stuff and have never drank...heck my name isn't even judy and people think it is...hehe

Good luck surround yourself with positive people that always helps too.