Ticked off *vent*

[Tuffcookie]

Give it time. He may come around.

I fully understand how wonderful standard poodles are. Gracie is such joy to me!

TC

 

[SaraJayne]

This makes me mad too. Why is how he feels more important than the way you feel? He is not your parent. Why does he get to say who get's to do what and you need to fall in line. He and what he says is not more important than you and what you say.

Why does he get to unilaterally decide this?

Because he is the one that would be doing most of the care/maintenance/etc of the dog. In that case, he has a right to say no.

 

[I Love Pluto]

TELL hubby - that you two MUST sit & talk. Explain to him how much you miss your other dog. I know how you feel. I personally went through this with my hubby for 2 weeks after our sweet furbaby died.

I cut out pictures of fishing poles, shirts, belts, cars, a puppy. I left them on the table with a sign that read - "Your wife needs to talk to you about one one these. It is important."

He read the note - looked at the pictures - then put them aside while we had breakfast. At the END of breakfast - he suggested that we get another puppy that day. I was sooooo excited! It worked!

It's a year later. We love our little Matt. He is such a good boy!

I wish you luck, and hope that your story turns out like mine.

 

[minkydog]

Minky, I think I understand why you want a dog. A dog is always there, always happy to see you, can cheer you up by doing goofy things and doesn't require much in return. It brings you a great deal of joy when you need it. Living with someone who has a disability is tough, and a dog can be a great outlet for stress.

I hope you are able to get a dog again some day.

Awww, you brought tears to my eyes. I think you are exactly right. Thanks for putting it so sweetly.

Hey Minky
Sorry you're going through this, I know you've already had more stress in your life than most of us. I agree with people who have said give your DH a little more time. Have you told him that you need someone to take care of? I'm sure he's looking at it from the other side. The side that says "I can barely take care of myself I don't want anything else to take care of" I've been there with medical issues, it can be though. When you're ready to broach the subject, don't approach it from a dog stand point, just mention you needing to be a caregiver in general. Also really examine your feelings, I think maybe you need the unconditional love you got from Minky and that's what's missing in your life.

I know we live close to each other but don't know where you work, I have conections to a local Pet Rescue as you already know it's gratifying work and you may find a dog you're in love with, poodle or not. Considering another breed it may help your DH accept a new addition. You can't replace Minky and it may be more healing for you to have a different breed. I whole new world. PM me if you're interested in volunteering foe the rescue I've been involved with. I don't know your DH limitations but maybe you can get him to volunteer too.

ALSO - PM me if you just need to get coffee (or wine!) and talk to another woman.

Sending you a PM

 

[Planogirl]

You guys need to talk but only do so when you're calm. Resentment can build up if you don't talk this out.

Good luck.

 

[dakcp2001]

Can you volunteer at the poodle rescue to walk the dogs? Can you dog sit or borrow a friends dog to get your doggy time for a little while?

It is completely unfair for your husband to shut you totally down. But these things have a way of working themselves out. My husband said no way to any cats, and then a cat found us. He was a pathetic pitiful little thing and even my anti cat husband couldn't turn him away. Now we have 2 , and he loves them.

I would wait a little, and keep bringing up how important it is to you to get another dog. Spend some time with a friends dog or volunteering. Wear your husband down. . Maybe he just needs a little time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You do have a point. when I posted last night I was really upset and teary. Today I'm thinking clearer and it's not such a huge big deal like it felt last night.

I *do* have a lot going on right now. Although I don't have anyone who depends on me at home now(other than DH and he can mostly fend for himself), I do work at a school part-time. A non-profit agency has asked me to come on board with them, too, doing medical records checks and teaching caregivers about their foster clients. I think it has the potential to turn into a very interesting, possibly full-time job. So I am looking forward to learning some new things here shortly.

I agree with everyone who says the person who says no gets the veto. I don't necessarily like it, but I believe it's true. And I do think DH would be resentful if I just forced a dog on him, particularly if he is the one who would be doing the housebreaking, walking, taking the dog in and out, etc. So, for now I will just have to sit tight on this. (Interesting thing...he was EXACTLY the same way about having kids...)

When YOU are ready for a dog YOU will be the one who is housebreaking, walking, taking the dog in and out, etc.

Until then sit tight.

I think you are resentful that your dh is at home and you are busy. Just saying....

Allow the man to have a break. He needs it.

 

[Nancyg56]

This makes me mad too. Why is how he feels more important than the way you feel? He is not your parent. Why does he get to say who get's to do what and you need to fall in line. He and what he says is not more important than you and what you say.

Why does he get to unilaterally decide this?

Minky's DH is the one who will be person who gets the pleasure of caring for the dog. No one should be able to impose that kind of responsibility on another person.

I know this is a bit different but I am the owner of a cat I did not want.

I had 4 cats, all feral barn cats. All very much wanted and very much loved. They last kittie was 19 when I had to take her to the vet and hold her for the last time. I did this three times. My DD and DSIL had to take my Trouble when he threw a blood clot. I had my kitties for 20 years and I was very much ready for a pet free household, as was my husband. each time we had to let one of our cats go it was devastating, each time harder than the time before. We both knew that we did not want to do this again, not for a long time. We both knew we wanted to be free from the commitment a pet owner makes to the animals in we care for.

Well we agreed reluctantly to care for my sister's cat until she moved into her new home. He was miserable and would not leave the basement, he was afraid of her DD's dog. Well here we are over a year later and this cat is mine, all mine. I am not happy about it. DH is resentful about it and the cat is nobody's fool. He knows he is not exactly a welcomed addition to our household.

I love my sister but I cannot tell you that I am not resentful of the position she placed me in. Animals are a huge commitment and require more than a leash and a dish of food. If one person imposes a pet on another, especially in Minky's situation where the person responsible for a great deal of daily care is the one who does not want the animal, there are going to be problems. It is not realistic to imagine a happy ending with both people singing Kumbaya. It is not going to happen.

People deserve to have their wished respected when it comes to children and pets. It is never fair to insist that it will all work out with living beings. You can neglect a potted plant and the worst thing that happens is that you get rid of the plant. Bit what happens to cats, dogs, bunnies, birds..............you neglect them and then what?

No. You want an animal you need to be prepared to be the one who cares for that animal. When you bring that animal into your home you need to be prepared to make the sacrifices that are required and Minky's DH does not want to do that right now. His need for a bit of freedom needs to be respected.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I do think it was rude of him to not listen and explain his reasons, but unless every member of a household is ready for a dog, the household isn't ready for a dog, so I think you're right to wait.

I would definitely look into volunteering, though! It could fill your wish to be around animals, without adding responsibility at home.

 

[Swan4Me]

Well we agreed reluctantly to care for my sister's cat until she moved into her new home. He was miserable and would not leave the basement, he was afraid of her DD's dog. Well here we are over a year later and this cat is mine, all mine. I am not happy about it. DH is resentful about it and the cat is nobody's fool. He knows he is not exactly a welcomed addition to our household.

I love my sister but I cannot tell you that I am not resentful of the position she placed me in. Animals are a huge commitment and require more than a leash and a dish of food. If one person imposes a pet on another, especially in Minky's situation where the person responsible for a great deal of daily care is the one who does not want the animal, there are going to be problems. It is not realistic to imagine a happy ending with both people singing Kumbaya. It is not going to happen.

.

So WHY are you keeping a cat you dont want? Bring it to the pound if your sister has abondonded it and nobody wants it. I am always flabergasted by folks who let animals rule their lives (ESPECIALLY monetarily-like a very poor couple I know who has their dog regularly groomed-blows my mind) .

 

[Disney Doll]

Minky, I agree with your decision to "back off" for a while.

Your statement about needing someone to take care of is quite perceptive on your part. You're a nurse. I'm a nurse. People who don't like to take care of things/people don't become nurses. I couldn't have kids. I had a dog. He became our "baby" in many ways. It was a terrible day when he had to be put down. As much as I love dogs, we didn't get another one yet (and Ted has been gone almost 5 years) because:

1. I couldn't even THINK of having to go through putting another one down.

2. During the time we had Ted there was his aging, my parents aging (read-all requiring more care), the death of my in-laws in the same year (again read: requiring HUGE amounts of care) not too mention a couple of health scares with DH (which thankfully turned out to be minor). Adding another thing to take care of just wasn't in the cards.


Maybe DH is in that frame of mind. Maybe he thinks that since you both off-loaded some caregiving responsibilty with Christian's placement, your DD is becoming an independent adult, that he doesn't want to take on ANOTHER thing that will need care... Maybe he just wants it to be you and him for awhile, without the "we have to feed the dog, we have to walk the dog, we have to take the dog to the vet, we have to get dog food, what are we going to do with the dog so we can go on vacation" and so forth.

I will admit that there are still times when I miss MY dog, but I don't miss having A dog right now. I don't miss having to worry about feeding the dog, walking the dog (which is nice on a summer evening but stinks on a winter evening in New England when it's freezing cold & you're tromping through the snow), getting the dog to the vet, having to mkae sure I am home in time enough to be able to let the dog out and all the other things that go with pet responsibility.

I am fortunate that I have several friends and family with dogs, so I have become the "official pet sitter". If they go away and I am available I am happy to watch their pets. That's how I get my "fix". So far, it's all good.

Maybe hubby just wants it to be you and him for a while. It will be nice to go on vacation somewhere where you don't have to worry about the dog instead of limiting yourselves to vacations where you can take the dog. Sometimes even caretakers need a break from the caretaking.....

 

[Nancyg56]

So WHY are you keeping a cat you dont want? Bring it to the pound if your sister has abondonded it and nobody wants it. I am always flabergasted by folks who let animals rule their lives (ESPECIALLY monetarily-like a very poor couple I know who has their dog regularly groomed-blows my mind) .

The cat did nothing wrong. He does not rule our lives but he is being integrated into them. The fact that we have accepted that he is now our pet does not change the fact that I do not like the way I got him. The human is responsible for that, not Baxter.
I will not impose a death sentence on him but I will speak up when others pretend that once you have a pet all will be well. The pounds are filled with animals that people brought into their homes on a whim or by pretending that once introduced into their homes all would be sunshine and lollipops. That is why I will always say when couples discuss pets and children it is important to respect when one partner says "no". Bax is a pretty easy animal to keep and he is well cared for. And he will be for probably the next 9 or 10 years, he is only 10.

 

[Swan4Me]

But why didnt your sister get her cat?

 

[Nancyg56]

But why didnt your sister get her cat?

The cat was her husbands. He took him in years ago when my DD moved and could not take him with her. After Mike died my sister really did not want the cat, she never really wanted him but the poor thing was miserable. Her DD was staying there and her dog would keep his nose in the mousehole the cat used to go downstairs. The cat would not come up the stairs.

I think she hoped that when I took him I would want to keep him, you know..........all will be wonderful, you will love him! So she just kept putting iff taking him and finally told me that she was not taking him back..............and brought my DD into it. Now I know that my DD was prepared to take Baxter back when she moved into her new home but Mike told her that he wanted him. Sounds like a soap opera but bottom line was that she made up her mind he was no longer her responsibility. The cat did nothing wrong and I know that 10 years ago he was my DD's cat so I am keeping him. That does not change that I do not like how I got him, she should have been honest when she asked me to take him. I most probably would have made the decision to take him as would my DH but the choice would have been ours and made knowing that we were accepting him.



I love my sister but I am not happy that she just avoided talking to me about Baxter. He is a good boy and if I can just figure out how to change what Dh and I consider to be bad habits I will be much happier. My animals never hopped on counters and the table. Ad for some reason he loves running water and it has taken forever to get hi to drink out of a water dish. He wants the faucet and the bathtub.

ETA- you stay safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Phatoomch]

OP

As you know, it is a very special relationship that we can have with a dog. Losing one can be devastating.

When I lost my dog, it took me 17yrs to finally accept that I could own another dog and that I would not be replacing my beloved Sadie.

Give your DH a break.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

A lot of people are talking about what a pet "takes". But what about what a pet "gives"?

Minkydog needs what a pet "gives".

Her DH may not want what a pet "takes", nor need what a pet "gives".

That's all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that Minkydog has a SPIRITUAL NEED for what a dog GIVES. It is important to her well being.

As I said before, I don't think it's fair for someone to deny that need to someone else. His needs should be recognized as well, sure. But it's a big problem if one person's need is completely squashed by the other's.

I am hoping with maybe a little time, her DH can come around. It would have been a lot easier on Minky if he could have at least discussed it and shown a little sensitivity to her needs.

 

[Coconut36]

It's very tough on both sides IMO. My parents are feeling this right now. One parent really really wants a dog. They have always had a dog..dating back to when they first got married. The parent who doesn't want a dog is very firm in not wanting on. Their last pet was a stray who had a ton of health problems and it was a very traumatic time with that pet..their passing (very young) was also very traumatic. They just do not want to deal with that and go through that anytime soon.

While I agree it's not fair for one to make the final decision I do think when it comes to pets both have to be 100% in agreement. I get what a pet provides to someone but if the other one feels it is a burden or isn't ready their wishes trump the needs IMO.

I would second seeing if you can do things with animals/dogs..volunteering at a rescue, shelter, offer to walk or care for a neighbors dog at their home while they are vacationing or at work..it will help you get the pleasure from being around dogs without forcing your spouse to have one. It's a difficult position for sure..I think you are very right in backing off and it's entirely possible he needs some more time and will be ready sooner rather than later.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Nope, don't buy into this "trumping" business. (Together with DH 30+ years.)

If it's a need, it can't be "trumped". Trumping/squashing means one person's needs go unfulfilled.

In the case of your parents, Coconut, it sounds like both of your parents have hesitations.

They just do not want to deal with that and go through that anytime soon.

Not the case with Minkydog. She's ready to welcome another dog into her home. The only thing standing in her way is her DH. She has posted about this before.

 

[cabanafrau]

A lot of people are talking about what a pet "takes". But what about what a pet "gives"?

Minkydog needs what a pet "gives".

Her DH may not want what a pet "takes", nor need what a pet "gives".

That's all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that Minkydog has a SPIRITUAL NEED for what a dog GIVES. It is important to her well being.

As I said before, I don't think it's fair for someone to deny that need to someone else. His needs should be recognized as well, sure. But it's a big problem if one person's need is completely squashed by the other's.

I am hoping with maybe a little time, her DH can come around. It would have been a lot easier on Minky if he could have at least discussed it and shown a little sensitivity to her needs.

I hear what you're saying, but it's not as if she has never been able to have a dog. She has had a dog. The OP has posted quite a bit about just how much their cup has been overflowing for a great many years while tending to their children's needs, some of which were quite profound and demanding, as well as major health issues for her DH & I believe some significant issues she's faced herself. All the while they had a dog added to the mix.

OP herself has been quite clear about the fact they needed to have some burdens lifted, sooner rather than later, before the load crushed their health and psychological wellbeing. Solutions have come for some of their challenges. Change is rough. Looks like OP is reaching out in an attempt to reconstruct the familiar without considering she may find a new way of life rewarding and enriching -- along with her spouse and his needs/desires. Right now is not the time for her to be making major decisions. Helping out at the animal shelter is a great solution for interacting with dogs and providing much needed help at the same time. They've done the dog in the family routine for quite a while. It's not at all unreasonable for her DH to have a spiritual need not to be a caretaker for a dog right now and I think OP is wise to respect that and revisit it later if she feels the same down the road.

 

[cabanafrau]

Nope, don't buy into this "trumping" business. (Together with DH 30+ years.)

If it's a need, it can't be "trumped". Trumping/squashing means one person's needs go unfulfilled.

In the case of your parents, Coconut, it sounds like both of your parents have hesitations.

Not the case with Minkydog. She's ready to welcome another dog into her home. The only thing standing in her way is her DH. She has posted about this before.

I believe it's their home.