Ticked off *vent*

[cabanafrau]

Just because I'm the only one that addressed them doesn't mean they don't exist. Spiritual needs are extremely important to one's well being. As a nurse, Minky knows this.

As I have suggested since my first post on this thread. A compromise.


Your opinions re my posts have been similarly rigid to this one. As such, they are the ones that have been ridiculous. I have said that I hope the DH comes around for the sake and love of his wife. Nowhere have I said that come hell or high water she should get a dog. I am concerned for the DH as well as I am for Minky and for any dog brought into the household. You have attributed ridiculous notions to me like the drinking spiel and that I'm proposing they end their marriage or whatever. Not what I said.


Yeah, all things I've said I'm aware of.

As to not surviving without a dog? Well of course one can survive without a dog. The question is, would one want to?


To each his own. Minky will let us know where she winds up with this.

I don't recall you suggesting compromise. I believe you repeatedly stated it's her decision, for her home, and if it brought them to a crossroads . . .

This was by no means my first suggestion of compromise, nor of patience.

 

[crashbb]

I don't recall you suggesting compromise. I believe you repeatedly stated it's her decision, for her home, and if it brought them to a crossroads . . .

This was by no means my first suggestion of compromise, nor of patience.

I'm with you - I've seen no evidence that the PP has ever suggested a compromise (other than waiting until Minky's DH decides that he wants a dog because he cares about Minky - with no thought that perhaps Minky will decide that she cares about her husband more than getting a dog).

Pea - your diagram could easily be used to argue Minky's DH's side. Being the main caregiver for a dog could be detrimental to his physical being, spiritual being, and mind.

I definitely agree with others that it would be beneficial for Minky and her husband to have a proper discussion about this, but I'm definitely not of your viewpoint that Minky's need for a dog is more important that her husband's need not to have one. I cannot make that call either way (and neither can you, for that matter).

 

[minkydog]

Wow! A girl goes to work and look what happens!

Things are a bit better today. I want to thank you all for your opinions. Sometimes I need to write out my feelings especially when i'm unable to verbalize them. Most of you have given me good advice (*chicagodisneyfan--seriously??*) Many of you have pointed out some underlying issues that I really hadn't thought about. When you're in the middle of the pool, you can't see your feet, ya know?

I have decided to drop the issue of getting a dog, for now. I still want a dog and I believe a dog would help reduce my anxiety in general, but I have to admit, perhaps I *am* trying to bring in a dog to replace the caregiving relationship that I had with Christian. And DH *is* having a hard time with the whole placement thing. We both miss Christian very much, but he is taking it the hardest. I know I am having a hard time with my empty nest, feeling like my big kids don't need me so much now. Still, I don't need to quell one type of chaos with another type of chaos.

DH & I have been married for 31+ years. This decision is not going to be a deal breaker, at least, not at this moment. I *do* respect the heck out of my husband and I *do* recognize that if he is resisting something, then I need to stand down and pay attention. He doesn't push me around or treat me unkindly. I *do* recognise that sometimes he sees problems that i simply cannot see due to my emotions, anxiety, or fear. DH generally makes choices that are in my best interest.

Perhaps in another 6 months I will see this clearer than I do right now. It won't hurt me to wait a few months to get another dog. What I would NOT want to do is force a dog on my DH against his will. I'm going to look at volunteering with a shelter and perhaps with a food bank--I know that sounds odd, but I have done that before and I can't even list all the spiritual benefits I experienced, just helping others. I am also working on a special quilt for my camper, one that my DH helped pick the fabrics. And DH & I are making some plans to do some things together in September, some bluegrass concerts and 19th century reenactment that I do now and then. None of which we would want to do with a dog in tow.

Thank you once again for all your input. It took me over an hour to read all the pages and I have gleaned a LOT of wisdom from most of your writings. I really do appreciate you all giving me the space to work through my feelings.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't recall you suggesting compromise. I believe you repeatedly stated it's her decision, for her home, and if it brought them to a crossroads . . .

Then you probably need to re-read.

Pea - your diagram could easily be used to argue Minky's DH's side. Being the main caregiver for a dog could be detrimental to his physical being, spiritual being, and mind.

I definitely agree with others that it would be beneficial for Minky and her husband to have a proper discussion about this, but I'm definitely not of your viewpoint that Minky's need for a dog is more important that her husband's need not to have one. I cannot make that call either way (and neither can you, for that matter).

Absolutely. Everyone has these needs and nobody's are less important than anyone elses. As I've said, I care about Minky's DH's needs as well.

I also never said that Minky's needs for a dog are more important than her DH's. I said I don't think her wants and needs should be squashed and that I don't believe in the whole "trumping" philosophy.

 

[cabanafrau]

Wow! A girl goes to work and look what happens!

Things are a bit better today. I want to thank you all for your opinions. Sometimes I need to write out my feelings especially when i'm unable to verbalize them. Most of you have given me good advice (*chicagodisneyfan--seriously??*) Many of you have pointed out some underlying issues that I really hadn't thought about. When you're in the middle of the pool, you can't see your feet, ya know?

I have decided to drop the issue of getting a dog, for now. I still want a dog and I believe a dog would help reduce my anxiety in general, but I have to admit, perhaps I *am* trying to bring in a dog to replace the caregiving relationship that I had with Christian. And DH *is* having a hard time with the whole placement thing. We both miss Christian very much, but he is taking it the hardest. I know I am having a hard time with my empty nest, feeling like my big kids don't need me so much now. Still, I don't need to quell one type of chaos with another type of chaos.

DH & I have been married for 31+ years. This decision is not going to be a deal breaker, at least, not at this moment. I *do* respect the heck out of my husband and I *do* recognize that if he is resisting something, then I need to stand down and pay attention. He doesn't push me around or treat me unkindly. I *do* recognise that sometimes he sees problems that i simply cannot see due to my emotions, anxiety, or fear. DH generally makes choices that are in my best interest.

Perhaps in another 6 months I will see this clearer than I do right now. It won't hurt me to wait a few months to get another dog. What I would NOT want to do is force a dog on my DH against his will. I'm going to look at volunteering with a shelter and perhaps with a food bank--I know that sounds odd, but I have done that before and I can't even list all the spiritual benefits I experienced, just helping others. I am also working on a special quilt for my camper, one that my DH helped pick the fabrics. And DH & I are making some plans to do some things together in September, some bluegrass concerts and 19th century reenactment that I do now and then. None of which we would want to do with a dog in tow.

Thank you once again for all your input. It took me over an hour to read all the pages and I have gleaned a LOT of wisdom from most of your writings. I really do appreciate you all giving me the space to work through my feelings.

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. I hope every day is better than the one before for both of you.

If you wind up with a dog or don't wind up with a dog, I'm sure you're going to find the right thing that works for your family, whatever that might be.

 

[crashbb]

Minky - I'm glad that you are feeling better about things. It sounds like you and your husband do have a good relationship and think about each other when making decisions - that's great. Hopefully BOTH of you can get what you need.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have decided to drop the issue of getting a dog, for now. I still want a dog and I believe a dog would help reduce my anxiety in general, but I have to admit, perhaps I *am* trying to bring in a dog to replace the caregiving relationship that I had with Christian. And DH *is* having a hard time with the whole placement thing. We both miss Christian very much, but he is taking it the hardest. I know I am having a hard time with my empty nest, feeling like my big kids don't need me so much now. Still, I don't need to quell one type of chaos with another type of chaos.

 

[nuke]

Wow! A girl goes to work and look what happens!

Things are a bit better today. I want to thank you all for your opinions. Sometimes I need to write out my feelings especially when i'm unable to verbalize them. Most of you have given me good advice (*chicagodisneyfan--seriously??*) Many of you have pointed out some underlying issues that I really hadn't thought about. When you're in the middle of the pool, you can't see your feet, ya know?

I have decided to drop the issue of getting a dog, for now. I still want a dog and I believe a dog would help reduce my anxiety in general, but I have to admit, perhaps I *am* trying to bring in a dog to replace the caregiving relationship that I had with Christian. And DH *is* having a hard time with the whole placement thing. We both miss Christian very much, but he is taking it the hardest. I know I am having a hard time with my empty nest, feeling like my big kids don't need me so much now. Still, I don't need to quell one type of chaos with another type of chaos.

DH & I have been married for 31+ years. This decision is not going to be a deal breaker, at least, not at this moment. I *do* respect the heck out of my husband and I *do* recognize that if he is resisting something, then I need to stand down and pay attention. He doesn't push me around or treat me unkindly. I *do* recognise that sometimes he sees problems that i simply cannot see due to my emotions, anxiety, or fear. DH generally makes choices that are in my best interest.

Perhaps in another 6 months I will see this clearer than I do right now. It won't hurt me to wait a few months to get another dog. What I would NOT want to do is force a dog on my DH against his will. I'm going to look at volunteering with a shelter and perhaps with a food bank--I know that sounds odd, but I have done that before and I can't even list all the spiritual benefits I experienced, just helping others. I am also working on a special quilt for my camper, one that my DH helped pick the fabrics. And DH & I are making some plans to do some things together in September, some bluegrass concerts and 19th century reenactment that I do now and then. None of which we would want to do with a dog in tow.

Thank you once again for all your input. It took me over an hour to read all the pages and I have gleaned a LOT of wisdom from most of your writings. I really do appreciate you all giving me the space to work through my feelings.

I was going to say that dogs will be there 6 months or a year from now. Give it some time and maybe your dh will come around. Getting an animal when your husband doesn't want one is not a good idea.

 

[Poohforyou]

He has gone about it in a selfish and patriarchal way. Why is that ok?

Are Minkys feelings and needs that unimportant to him? How would you feel if your husband did that to you? I'm guessing, not great.

You seem to have a lot invested in this . Actually all anyone knows about minky's dh is what she tells us. That doesn't means that's how he actually is.

Minky, I'm sorry you aren't able to get something you want. The best I can suggest is to try to have a conversation with your dh about why this is important for you. I can get where he's coming from though.

You've spent years caring for Christian and have him in a good placement. I bet for the 1st time in a long time you're both able to take a deep breath.

 

[angwill]

What I would do is wait for Christmas or your birthday and say that is all that you want and then promise that you will take on all the responsibility for the dog like feeding, walking, picking up after, and taking it to the vet etc. I love dogs but my DH can live with them or without them so I do all the work when it comes to the animals and DH does nothing and it works for us.

That said do you realize how high vet bills have gotten in the last few years? Not to mention your grooming costs. If you are on a limited income what will you do if you get a dog and find out in a year or two they are sickly and need expensive treatments and meds? How would you handle such a situation? Will you put the dog before your Disney trips and vacations? Will the cost and responsibility create friction between you and DH. Just wanted to give you some thing to think about before the final decision is made.

 

[Kaspar Houser]

Minky I've read you're topics for years. Girl it is time you stop giving.

You gave all you've got to Christian. He needed and deserved it. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
Take the camper, rent a room and take a few months for yourself.
Stop being "Cinderella". You have needs and if you're husband does not understand this he does not deserves YOU.

Persons with a handicap tend to leech on those that love them.
I'm also married for 30 years and we both are equal. You work and have the main income. Stop feeling guilty about you're husband. Take care for yourself for a while you need and deserve it.

 

[okeydokey]

Minky I've read you're topics for years. Girl it is time you stop giving.

You gave all you've got to Christian. He needed and deserved it. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
Take the camper, rent a room and take a few months for yourself.
Stop being "Cinderella". You have needs and if you're husband does not understand this he does not deserves YOU.

Persons with a handicap tend to leech on those that love them.
I'm also married for 30 years and we both are equal. You work and have the main income. Stop feeling guilty about you're husband. Take care for yourself for a while you need and deserve it.

What? Did you not read her update?

 

[babyrich]

After our first cat died I felt a huge void. She died of cancer very young. My DH did not want to go through the loss again and said he didnt want another. I started volunteering at an animal shelter to fill my void. I fell in love with one of the cats there and talked to my DH about adopting him. He refused. We went back and forth for several weeks and I told him that I needed someone furry to love.

We did adopt him and 2 more over the past 7 years. It was my DH who decided on the other 2, they showed up on our back porch and my DH said, whats one more... and after 2, he said, whats one more.....

So keep the communication open, maybe he just needs to grieve a little longer.

 

[Nancyg56]

Minky I've read you're topics for years. Girl it is time you stop giving.

You gave all you've got to Christian. He needed and deserved it. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
Take the camper, rent a room and take a few months for yourself.
Stop being "Cinderella". You have needs and if you're husband does not understand this he does not deserves YOU.

Persons with a handicap tend to leech on those that love them.
I'm also married for 30 years and we both are equal. You work and have the main income. Stop feeling guilty about you're husband. Take care for yourself for a while you need and deserve it.

Honestly, if you believe Minky's DH leeches on her you must have missed a few posts

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

What I would do is wait for Christmas or your birthday and say that is all that you want and then promise that you will take on all the responsibility for the dog like feeding, walking, picking up after, and taking it to the vet etc. I love dogs but my DH can live with them or without them so I do all the work when it comes to the animals and DH does nothing and it works for us.

I wouldn't back someone into a corner by saying that the only gift I wanted was a dog; the DH's position may still be that he doesn't want a dog, and therefore, a birthday/holiday may have just turned into another power struggle. And, if you've read the thread, OP's DH is the one who is home all day, and OP works, so while the OP is at work, the dog's needs would be unfulfilled?

Minky I've read you're topics for years. Girl it is time you stop giving.

You gave all you've got to Christian. He needed and deserved it. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
Take the camper, rent a room and take a few months for yourself.
Stop being "Cinderella". You have needs and if you're husband does not understand this he does not deserves YOU.

Persons with a handicap tend to leech on those that love them.
I'm also married for 30 years and we both are equal. You work and have the main income. Stop feeling guilty about you're husband. Take care for yourself for a while you need and deserve it.

Such interesting advice from a newbie...who's been reading the OP's posts for years.

We've had dogs...just two...for the last 25 years, except for 9 months between them. Our current dog is getting old and we've been talking about what to do when the time comes...get another dog or not. DH grew up with dogs; I did not, but I know how empty the house was during those 9 months (and all our kids were home then). We ARE on the same page about getting another dog, in that we just don't know. We're mostly empty nesters (college aged son who comes home on breaks), and also have a granddaughter a couple of hours away. There's something very appealing about being able to pack up and taking off spontaneously; at the same time, DH says Sunday nights with Frank Sinatra just won't be the same without a dog at his feet. (And I'm not filling in. ) It's a tough call.

I hope both the OP and her DH can fill their own needs in a way that takes each other's needs into consideration.

 

[Miz Diz]

Maybe you can start dogsitting for people. I just got a puppy and was looking online for boarding and found Dogvacay. People who want to pet sit in their home can post a profile and how much they charge. Some have even specified the size dog they will or will not sit for.

 

[manning]

Tell him. "I meet your wants, now allow me to meet mine"

 

[loveysbydesign]

I wouldn't have another puppy--an adult poodle is what I'm interested and I'd get a rescue. But DH would have to cooperate by letting the dog out in the (fenced) yard several times a day. I guess he doesn't want to do that. Usually we discuss things and make compromises. But this isn't something that we can compromise on--it's black and white, either we get a dog or we don't.

Maybe you could put in a doggy door so your dh would not have to let the dog in an out? Hope it works out for you, I understand what it's like when you feel passionate about something and your dh does not!

 

[padams]

Tell him. "I meet your wants, now allow me to meet mine"

If she forces him to take care of a dog he doesn't want, then she isn't taking care of his wants, is she?

 

[Kaspar Houser]

What? Did you not read her update?

Yes I did but just saw a "Cinderella". Her husbands attitude will come back again and again and again and she will be victimized again and again.
Minkeydog needs to step up for herself.