Ticked off *vent*

[Swan4Me]

DH and I decided NOT to get another animal when the last died...its hard at times-BUT we go a lot and i donr have the built in babysitters we once had
BUT-mainly-over the years I have becomed astonished over the HIGH cost of maintaining a pet-its almost like having a baby.....and the grooming costs! lordy!

 

[Jennasis]

I wonder...is it possible that the loss of Minky hit your DH so hard that he doesn't want to put himself in that position again? Loving a dog so much and then losing him?

This may be a situation that will require a lot more talk, compromise and understanding from both of you. Right now he is running rough shod over you with his "final decision" on the matter...but if you just went out and got a dog, you would be doing the same thing. So what to do?

Would you consider being a foster mom for a rescue or something? This way you could have a dog but it wouldn't be permanent?

 

[leebee]

Give it a little space and time right now. I have a half-sibling who had to be placed with family, finally, and I know it broke my mom's heart to have to do it. Yes, it was the best thing for everyone, especially my sib, but it was the hardest thing ever for my mom to do. It took her awhile to get over mourning the fact that she couldn't do and care for my sib the way she thought a parent should. (yes we'd been a blended family for a long time.) I cannot tell you how many times I've admired your strength in being able to find the right living situation for your son, but I know it's not an easy experience, even when it is clearly the correct thing to do. I really think that maybe your DH's heart and mind aren't ready for anything more, right now.

Talk to him this morning. Tell him you feel like you need/want another dog but you understand that he's not ready for this yet. Let him know that his opinion is important, but that you'll want to discuss this again after Thanksgiving (? just picking a random time spot here... you could even say 'in a couple of months') so he's had some time to think about it. Then let it go- and get yourself moving, girl! DD is gone again... not just that college starts in a week, but she spent LAST week (my last week of summer vacation) away at the boy-fiend's house and this week he has moved back into his frat here in town (yes, dd goes to college just down the street!) so she is spending most of her time with him. It's breaking my heart (DON"T get me started on the boy-fiend) so I am keeping busy with things that I don't really care about but that fill my time and take energy. YOu can find these things, too, and don't ever, ever believe that nobody needs you. You will be proven oh, so wrong, the second anything starts to unravel!

 

[RitaE]

Well - maybe you should go spend a couple of Saturday nights somewhere now that you can. Something besides camping. Somewhere that you wouldn't be able to take a dog.

 

[Nancyg56]

Oh Minky, this is so hard. I have to say that while I understand that you want another pet I understand your DH position.

We were a cat household for almost 20 years. 4 of them. My DH was not thrilled to have them but he enjoyed them and cared for them. He did not want anymore pets after they were gone though.

My sister asked me to care for her cat for a few months and DH agreed reluctantly. I still had one kittie but she was ill. You guessed it, I am now the owner of this cat and DH is still furious. He won't hurt Bax but he just cannot warm up to him either. It is not a good way to commit to an animal, he is not truly welcomed by both if us and he knows it.

I think that if your DH is not ready to put your home back into pet ode it is better to wait. Even if he agrees you know that he agreed for you and that is not the best way to start that long-term commitment that a pet entails. I would enjoy the things that you can enjoy during a pet-free time and then talk about bringing in your furry pal later on.

 

[luvmy3]

Are you mad that he said no to another dog, or are you mad that he won't discuss it further?
I haven't followed anything about what is going on with your life, I gather from the other posts that you have been or are going through alot. If that is the case, maybe the best thing for now is to focus on that stuff and not another dog. Who knows in a couple months you may feel different and like the new found "freedom" not having a pet gives you, or your dh may find he misses having one.

 

[yoopermom]

So much sympathy for you....

Definitely consider volunteering. Find your closest poodle club and ask if there's a local breeder who could use a puppy socializer. Is there a local shelter who could use some help?

I wish it was easier for you....

Terri

 

[minkydog]

Thank you all for such good advice. I'm feeling kinda headachey is morning, so we haven't had much to talk about just yet. I do think I'm going to drop the whole subject until after New Years. I dont' want DH to feel like he's had an unwanted pet foisted on him against his will.

There is an animal shelter near where I work. I could probably go over there once a week to help out. DD19 and I used to volunteer together at a no-kill cat shelter and we really got a lot of joy out of that (DH is allergic to cats.) Maybe I just need to find something to occupy my time--I do seem to have a lot of it on my hands these days.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm sorry.

But I think the person who doesn't want to take on the pet or the child trumps the person who does. It's hard, I know. I'm going to be in this situation when our current dog dies.

 

[mickeysgal]

Minimized--that's the word I was going for...I think you probably nailed it, though. I don't think DH particularly misses Minky at all. Minky was *my* dog--he loved me more than anybody. But you're probably right about Christian. It's been a stressful period for us and things are just settling down. DH is enjoying not having to take care of anybody. And he has had a harder time dealing with Christian's placement than me. Even though we really love his caregivers--it's been such a good situation for Christian. I, on the other hand, miss having someone to care for. Nobody really needs me now. All my kids are grown and mostly out of the house. DD19 stills lives at home, but she's probably gone 4 nights a week and works full-time during the day.

le sigh...

This probably sums it up in a nutshell for him.

You guys have been through a lot of change lately. It takes each person a different amount of time to mentally and physically adjust.

I understand wholeheartedely how you feel. Having dogs is who I am. I have never been without one (or two or three!), so I can't imagine life without one. Losing one is hard and sometimes one person takes longer than the next person to deal with the loss and mentally ready themselves for the next one.

Keep talking. I have no idea how you compromise on something like this. There is no in between...either you have a dog or you don't - and in my opinion, one person's wish doesn't carry any more weight than the other. However, if one person sees how incomplete the other is without a dog, I think that has to take precedence.

Good luck.

 

[Pigeon]

The person who wants the dog (or the kid) would be making the family take on more expense and more bother. I've had kids and dogs for years. Maybe for once I'd like the house not to smell like dogs, listen to barking, trip over toys, be able to do something else with the money spent on dogs, be able to take off on a whim and not think about the dog.

I have a dog, I love dogs, but I still think the person who doesn't want them gets veto power. Same for kids.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank you all for such good advice. I'm feeling kinda headachey is morning, so we haven't had much to talk about just yet. I do think I'm going to drop the whole subject until after New Years. I dont' want DH to feel like he's had an unwanted pet foisted on him against his will.

There is an animal shelter near where I work. I could probably go over there once a week to help out. DD19 and I used to volunteer together at a no-kill cat shelter and we really got a lot of joy out of that (DH is allergic to cats.) Maybe I just need to find something to occupy my time--I do seem to have a lot of it on my hands these days.

This sounds more well-thought out than your earlier posts. I'm not sure now is the time for you to be making a decision like this, you've even contradicted yourself in this thread. You were upset w/ DH for saying no, possibly partially because of working more than one job & possibly taking on another while he is disabled & not working, which you think you may be resenting him for. Yet you're claiming too much time on your hands is why you think you need another dog to take care of.

I'm not pointing that out to be hurtful, but to make some connections that don't seem to be obvious in your mind right now. Step back, take some deep breaths, give yourself some time to get your legs back under you again. Working at the shelter is a wonderful idea to fill the ache you're feeling right now. Down the road you may find yours or your DH's minds change on the subject.

Maybe now might be a good time to count your blessings, give your mind a chance to dwell on the good things you've got going on. It never hurts to put a little positive in your outlook and may make you feel a little better.

 

[okeydokey]

Minimized--that's the word I was going for...I think you probably nailed it, though. I don't think DH particularly misses Minky at all. Minky was *my* dog--he loved me more than anybody. But you're probably right about Christian. It's been a stressful period for us and things are just settling down. DH is enjoying not having to take care of anybody. And he has had a harder time dealing with Christian's placement than me. Even though we really love his caregivers--it's been such a good situation for Christian. I, on the other hand, miss having someone to care for. Nobody really needs me now. All my kids are grown and mostly out of the house. DD19 stills lives at home, but she's probably gone 4 nights a week and works full-time during the day.

le sigh...

Maybe over time, his feelings will change. It's hard to be opposite sides as your partner, but this decision will effect you both. I hope you can come to some kind of agreement in time.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Unfortunately, this is one of those areas where there's no such thing as a compromise. You either get a dog & get what you want, or you don't and he gets what he wants. If he wanted a Great Dane & you wanted a Yorkie, a Cocker Spaniel might be a compromise. But, dog vs. no dog is another story.

I've given in to many pets I did not want & have on many cases wished I could have had my way. But, I didn't get my way & it's not a compromise, it just is what it is.

 

[minkydog]

This sounds more well-thought out than your earlier posts. I'm not sure now is the time for you to be making a decision like this, you've even contradicted yourself in this thread. You were upset w/ DH for saying no, possibly partially because of working more than one job & possibly taking on another while he is disabled & not working, which you think you may be resenting him for. Yet you're claiming too much time on your hands is why you think you need another dog to take care of.

I'm not pointing that out to be hurtful, but to make some connections that don't seem to be obvious in your mind right now. Step back, take some deep breaths, give yourself some time to get your legs back under you again. Working at the shelter is a wonderful idea to fill the ache you're feeling right now. Down the road you may find yours or your DH's minds change on the subject.

Maybe now might be a good time to count your blessings, give your mind a chance to dwell on the good things you've got going on. It never hurts to put a little positive in your outlook and may make you feel a little better.

You do have a point. when I posted last night I was really upset and teary. Today I'm thinking clearer and it's not such a huge big deal like it felt last night.

I *do* have a lot going on right now. Although I don't have anyone who depends on me at home now(other than DH and he can mostly fend for himself), I do work at a school part-time. A non-profit agency has asked me to come on board with them, too, doing medical records checks and teaching caregivers about their foster clients. I think it has the potential to turn into a very interesting, possibly full-time job. So I am looking forward to learning some new things here shortly.

I agree with everyone who says the person who says no gets the veto. I don't necessarily like it, but I believe it's true. And I do think DH would be resentful if I just forced a dog on him, particularly if he is the one who would be doing the housebreaking, walking, taking the dog in and out, etc. So, for now I will just have to sit tight on this. (Interesting thing...he was EXACTLY the same way about having kids...)

 

[disneyfans95]

just get one, he will get over it

Yeah because THAT would be good for the marriage.. Pick an animal over your spouse..

Clearly you are not married.

For the OP, give it some time to sink in. How long have you talked about it? Don't push too hard.

 

[Ponygirl]

Minky, I think I understand why you want a dog. A dog is always there, always happy to see you, can cheer you up by doing goofy things and doesn't require much in return. It brings you a great deal of joy when you need it. Living with someone who has a disability is tough, and a dog can be a great outlet for stress.

I hope you are able to get a dog again some day.

 

[Nancyg56]

Minky- I think that the idea to volunteer at a shelter is a good one. You get to care for animals who are in so much need of love and yet you get to go home to no pet responsibilities for a while. Give your DH some time, things may change after he adjusts. In the meantime, enjoy the little bit of freedom the two of you have.

 

[dfchelbay]

This makes me mad too. Why is how he feels more important than the way you feel? He is not your parent. Why does he get to say who get's to do what and you need to fall in line. He and what he says is not more important than you and what you say.

Why does he get to unilaterally decide this?

 

[castmemberb4]

Hey Minky
Sorry you're going through this, I know you've already had more stress in your life than most of us. I agree with people who have said give your DH a little more time. Have you told him that you need someone to take care of? I'm sure he's looking at it from the other side. The side that says "I can barely take care of myself I don't want anything else to take care of" I've been there with medical issues, it can be though. When you're ready to broach the subject, don't approach it from a dog stand point, just mention you needing to be a caregiver in general. Also really examine your feelings, I think maybe you need the unconditional love you got from Minky and that's what's missing in your life.

I know we live close to each other but don't know where you work, I have conections to a local Pet Rescue as you already know it's gratifying work and you may find a dog you're in love with, poodle or not. Considering another breed it may help your DH accept a new addition. You can't replace Minky and it may be more healing for you to have a different breed. I whole new world. PM me if you're interested in volunteering foe the rescue I've been involved with. I don't know your DH limitations but maybe you can get him to volunteer too.

ALSO - PM me if you just need to get coffee (or wine!) and talk to another woman.