Ticked off *vent*

[minkydog]

This is a vent...there is no one else that I can express myself to. So please don't be snarky. Everyone has a right to their feelings and these are mine...

I have been thinking about getting another dog. My beloved Minky died last year at age 11. He was a Standard Poodle, smart as a whip, and just about the best dog I have ever known. I miss him terribly. But now I'm ready to love a new dog. DH, however, does not. When the subject comes up, he shuts me down. No discussion. I have no say in the matter. I realize that if he really is against having a pet that I probably just have to honor that. Sort of like having children. He doesn't want the responsibility, doesn't want the issue of what to do with the dog when we travel. And it's not like we travel all the time. We take the camper up to the lake or up to the mountains about once a month. Dogs are welcome at both places and we used to take Minky with us. So I don't really get the problem with taking a new dog. But DH has said no and that's the last word on it.

I feel diminished. At the moment I am so mad I don't even want to talk to him. It feels unfair. Although maybe it's unfair to him for me to get a dog he doesn't want. I'm not talking about getting a dog RIGHT NOW. I'm thinking in a few months, when we can better afford it. Poodles have to be groomed. They need good food, and of course, there are vet bills. And God forgive me, I'm mad because I'm the one who is working. DH is on disability. And I feel bad for being mad at him. But I have a part-time job and I'm fixing to start a second one that I can work part-time from home.

Erg. My heart is hurting right now. Maybe I can bring it up with DH tomorrow, but right now I don't even want to look at him.

 

[phorsenuf]

This is a vent...there is no one else that I can express myself to. So please don't be snarky. Everyone has a right to their feelings and these are mine...

I have been thinking about getting another dog. My beloved Minky died last year at age 11. He was a Standard Poodle, smart as a whip, and just about the best dog I have ever known. I miss him terribly. But now I'm ready to love a new dog. DH, however, does not. When the subject comes up, he shuts me down. No discussion. I have no say in the matter. I realize that if he really is against having a pet that I probably just have to honor that. Sort of like having children. He doesn't want the responsibility, doesn't want the issue of what to do with the dog when we travel. And it's not like we travel all the time. We take the camper up to the lake or up to the mountains about once a month. Dogs are welcome at both places and we used to take Minky with us. So I don't really get the problem with taking a new dog. But DH has said no and that's the last word on it.

I feel diminished. At the moment I am so mad I don't even want to talk to him. It feels unfair. Although maybe it's unfair to him for me to get a dog he doesn't want. I'm not talking about getting a dog RIGHT NOW. I'm thinking in a few months, when we can better afford it. Poodles have to be groomed. They need good food, and of course, there are vet bills. And God forgive me, I'm mad because I'm the one who is working. DH is on disability. And I feel bad for being mad at him. But I have a part-time job and I'm fixing to start a second one that I can work part-time from home.

Erg. My heart is hurting right now. Maybe I can bring it up with DH tomorrow, but right now I don't even want to look at him.

Maybe since you have so much on your plate he's thinking it's not a good idea to be burdened with more?

 

[JessicaR]

This is a vent...there is no one else that I can express myself to. So please don't be snarky. Everyone has a right to their feelings and these are mine...

I have been thinking about getting another dog. My beloved Minky died last year at age 11. He was a Standard Poodle, smart as a whip, and just about the best dog I have ever known. I miss him terribly. But now I'm ready to love a new dog. DH, however, does not. When the subject comes up, he shuts me down. No discussion. I have no say in the matter. I realize that if he really is against having a pet that I probably just have to honor that. Sort of like having children. He doesn't want the responsibility, doesn't want the issue of what to do with the dog when we travel. And it's not like we travel all the time. We take the camper up to the lake or up to the mountains about once a month. Dogs are welcome at both places and we used to take Minky with us. So I don't really get the problem with taking a new dog. But DH has said no and that's the last word on it.

I feel diminished. At the moment I am so mad I don't even want to talk to him. It feels unfair. Although maybe it's unfair to him for me to get a dog he doesn't want. I'm not talking about getting a dog RIGHT NOW. I'm thinking in a few months, when we can better afford it. Poodles have to be groomed. They need good food, and of course, there are vet bills. And God forgive me, I'm mad because I'm the one who is working. DH is on disability. And I feel bad for being mad at him. But I have a part-time job and I'm fixing to start a second one that I can work part-time from home.

Erg. My heart is hurting right now. Maybe I can bring it up with DH tomorrow, but right now I don't even want to look at him.

I'm sorry.

When I was in your position, I was ready. Not sure if my family was. I found the dog I wanted to rescue, introduced the notion to my family and went forward. I hope you can do the same. I'm not complete w/o furry friends. Absolutely your husband has to be on the same page. Persuasion works too.

 

[low-key]

just get one, he will get over it

 

[leebee]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hate it when I am not on the same page as my DH, and I hate it when I feel like he is minimizing my feelings, opinions, emotions, being. Makes me mad enough to spit! However... maybe your DH just isn't ready. You have had a heck of a year, with losing Minky, finding a good home for Christian, getting him into it, etc. Maybe your DH is just reacting to the stress of the year and isn't ready to take on something new, yet. Maybe he is still mourning the loss of the dog and your son's moving out and isn't ready to love another dog yet. Maybe he is enjoying only being responsible for you and him for once. There could be lots of reasons. Give him a little time, then bring it up again. He really knows that a dog is manageable and will end up missing having one, eventually. HOWEVER>.. that doesn't excuse his "dismissing" you, so keep your distance until your feelings aren't hurt anymore; more disagreement won't do YOU any good!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If it's important to you and meaningful to you spiritually, then I don't think it's fair not to discuss it or try to work out a compromise.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I totally understand where you're coming from. When I (and the 2 kids) brought our current cocker spaniel home (8 weeks old), we surprised DH with him (me, bad, knowing that he really didn't want another dog -- our older cocker was aging and failing, and I wanted to be able to lessen the loss for the kids).

Not right or wrong, I guess. But even now, 8 years later, DH still reminds me that it was MY idea to get the new dog every time DH takes him outside or cares for the dog in any way.

If your DH is home on disability and you work outside the home, would the primary care for the pup fall on him when you're working? I think the worst thing is what seems to be lack of communication between you and your husband. He's not even willing to discuss so that you can understand if it's memory, money, or responsibility that's causing his reaction. He may be in denial and think that if he stops the conversation enough, you'll stop bringing it up.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Aw honey. I'm sorry. It's not right for him to say no without you both discussing it. Maybe his disability makes it hard for him to care for a puppy or something? I think it's something you need to discuss together, because if you just let him say "NO!" and let that be it, it's going to fester and you are really going to resent it. More and more as your wanting a dog grows and he is standing in your way.

You guys need to talk this out. Good luck.

 

[minkydog]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hate it when I am not on the same page as my DH, and I hate it when I feel like he is minimizing my feelings, opinions, emotions, being. Makes me mad enough to spit! However... maybe your DH just isn't ready. You have had a heck of a year, with losing Minky, finding a good home for Christian, getting him into it, etc. Maybe your DH is just reacting to the stress of the year and isn't ready to take on something new, yet. Maybe he is still mourning the loss of the dog and your son's moving out and isn't ready to love another dog yet. Maybe he is enjoying only being responsible for you and him for once. There could be lots of reasons. Give him a little time, then bring it up again. He really knows that a dog is manageable and will end up missing having one, eventually. HOWEVER>.. that doesn't excuse his "dismissing" you, so keep your distance until your feelings aren't hurt anymore; more disagreement won't do YOU any good!

Minimized--that's the word I was going for...I think you probably nailed it, though. I don't think DH particularly misses Minky at all. Minky was *my* dog--he loved me more than anybody. But you're probably right about Christian. It's been a stressful period for us and things are just settling down. DH is enjoying not having to take care of anybody. And he has had a harder time dealing with Christian's placement than me. Even though we really love his caregivers--it's been such a good situation for Christian. I, on the other hand, miss having someone to care for. Nobody really needs me now. All my kids are grown and mostly out of the house. DD19 stills lives at home, but she's probably gone 4 nights a week and works full-time during the day.

le sigh...

 

[SaraJayne]

just get one, he will get over it

Do NOT do this.

I understand both sides. I understand your DH doesn't want the responsibility of a dog, since he would be the one taking care of it while you are working. And face it, dogs can be inconvenient.

I also understand you feeling like you're not being listened to and your opinion is being completely dismissed.

I would wait a couple days, calm down a bit and calmly ask DH what his objections are to getting a new dog. The important part is you truly need to *listen* to what your DH is saying.

If you get a dog he really does not want, he'll resent you and the dog. Not a good situation.

But maybe you'll end up resenting him because he didn't want you to have a new dog?

Like I said, I can see both sides and it's a difficult situation.

 

[minkydog]

I totally understand where you're coming from. When I (and the 2 kids) brought our current cocker spaniel home (8 weeks old), we surprised DH with him (me, bad, knowing that he really didn't want another dog -- our older cocker was aging and failing, and I wanted to be able to lessen the loss for the kids).

Not right or wrong, I guess. But even now, 8 years later, DH still reminds me that it was MY idea to get the new dog every time DH takes him outside or cares for the dog in any way.

If your DH is home on disability and you work outside the home, would the primary care for the pup fall on him when you're working? I think the worst thing is what seems to be lack of communication between you and your husband. He's not even willing to discuss so that you can understand if it's memory, money, or responsibility that's causing his reaction. He may be in denial and think that if he stops the conversation enough, you'll stop bringing it up.

I wouldn't have another puppy--an adult poodle is what I'm interested and I'd get a rescue. But DH would have to cooperate by letting the dog out in the (fenced) yard several times a day. I guess he doesn't want to do that. Usually we discuss things and make compromises. But this isn't something that we can compromise on--it's black and white, either we get a dog or we don't.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I wouldn't have another puppy--an adult poodle is what I'm interested and I'd get a rescue. But DH would have to cooperate by letting the dog out in the (fenced) yard several times a day. I guess he doesn't want to do that. Usually we discuss things and make compromises. But this isn't something that we can compromise on--it's black and white, either we get a dog or we don't.

I wouldn't discount it entirely. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time, like others have suggested.

You and your DH do need to talk it out, though -- silence on both ends will only cause a bigger rift.

Is there something you can do to get your dog outside of the house (and help care for someone/animal)? Can you volunteer at a shelter or rescue? Or sometimes rescues need temporary homes for animals, don't they? Maybe your DH wouldn't mind if he knows it's temporary.

 

[4nana]

I can see both sides...lots of food for thought ~ perhaps he feels he is looking out for your/his best interest Minky. You've had alot on your plate lately, his health issues, your health issues, finding a good home for Christian, etc. As a wife, mother, caregiver, nurse, you are the nurturer. However, with you at work, some of the care would fall on his shoulders ~ which might be difficult with his disability. At any rate, being bitter will only cause more problems ~ you've planted the seed, now practice patience, and hopefully in time you can come to a compromise.

 

[clh2]

Aww Minky...

I also don't like when my DH and I aren't seeing eye to eye on an issue.

I believe that the right dog will reduce stress, give you a reason to exercise, and just in general - love their peeps unconditionally.

Good luck with this!!!

 

[Hannathy]

I'd give him time. He has had a very stressful year and dealing with a lot of loss. I'm sure it bothered him about Minky more than he let on (typical man) and then Christian moving out and not needing him -another loss- Your DD getting more independent-loss of his "baby girl" and then with the disability the loss of him being able to support his family increased by you needing to take another job.
All this adds up to bother his male psyche. Altho he would never say this out loud. Women express and talk when they are upset, men go in their caves.

I would just drop it right now and let him have a few months to regroup and deal with everything that has happened. He has had a lot of years to have to take care of something or someone and is probably enjoying not having that responsibility.

I do think that in a marriage a no to something holds more weight than a yes.

I'm sorry though and understand, but maybe you should also sit back and relax what with the extra job and not take on more work right now.

 

[minkydog]

I'd give him time. He has had a very stressful year and dealing with a lot of loss. I'm sure it bothered him about Minky more than he let on (typical man) and then Christian moving out and not needing him -another loss- Your DD getting more independent-loss of his "baby girl" and then with the disability the loss of him being able to support his family increased by you needing to take another job.
All this adds up to bother his male psyche. Altho he would never say this out loud. Women express and talk when they are upset, men go in their caves.

I would just drop it right now and let him have a few months to regroup and deal with everything that has happened. He has had a lot of years to have to take care of something or someone and is probably enjoying not having that responsibility.

I do think that in a marriage a no to something holds more weight than a yes.

I'm sorry though and understand, but maybe you should also sit back and relax what with the extra job and not take on more work right now.

I agree with this. And I will drop it for now. I don't want to "talk him into" anything and frankly, at the moment I am feeling a little teary so I don't think I can talk to him at all about it. I guess I'll go to bed and address it with him in the morning. I don't feel like getting in an argument tonight.

 

[java]

compromise is tough.

One thing stands out to me. The nobody needing me part. Time to put yourself first for a while. I'm not saying get the dog, but take care of that hole in your heart. Time for you to be first for a change.

We have 2 dogs right now. I do think it would be easier without, but not nearly as much fun and love without.

I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

 

[cornflake]

I agree with all the 'wait a bit' posters.

I totally understand where you're coming from but it does sound like you're adjusting to the changes in your life in different ways.

He's seeing what it's like to be free of responsibility and you're looking for more.

Aside from a no outweighing a yes, there is the issue of him having to be the one to let the dog in and out all day. Which may sound like nothing but it may mean something different to him. He may be enjoying not having to get up and down when he hears the dog or worry about the dog if he wants to take a nap or he might not want his new routine disrupted or etc. It may seem like nothing much from your perspective but it sounds like your days and physical activity and etc. may be different.

Maybe see if you can let it go for a few months and then see where you both stand. Maybe once it's all more settled he'll feel differently and maybe you will too. Maybe think about Christmas or the new year.

Maybe think about if there's something besides a new dog full time if he's still adamant - how about fostering or helping out a poodle rescue or...etc.

First I'd wait a couple months and then try again, when you're less upset about it especially - just so you don't see his refusal as doing something to you. It's more likely about HIM than you.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I agree with all the 'wait a bit' posters.

I totally understand where you're coming from but it does sound like you're adjusting to the changes in your life in different ways.

He's seeing what it's like to be free of responsibility and you're looking for more.

Aside from a no outweighing a yes, there is the issue of him having to be the one to let the dog in and out all day. Which may sound like nothing but it may mean something different to him. He may be enjoying not having to get up and down when he hears the dog or worry about the dog if he wants to take a nap or he might not want his new routine disrupted or etc. It may seem like nothing much from your perspective but it sounds like your days and physical activity and etc. may be different.

Maybe see if you can let it go for a few months and then see where you both stand. Maybe once it's all more settled he'll feel differently and maybe you will too. Maybe think about Christmas or the new year.

Maybe think about if there's something besides a new dog full time if he's still adamant - how about fostering or helping out a poodle rescue or...etc.

First I'd wait a couple months and then try again, when you're less upset about it especially - just so you don't see his refusal as doing something to you. It's more likely about HIM than you.

Exactly what I wanted to say.

Let it ride for now--see what the next few months bring. So this morning, tell dh that you would still like to get a new dog, but you are going to let the idea go for now and that you would like to talk to him about it again after the new year--I wouldn't do it around the holidays when stress is higher for some people. He may have a different perspective then, he may still not want a dog. And, since primary care of the dog during the day would fall on his shoulders, he does have a say in this.

I also agree that the no overweighs the yes in an issue like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to agree with your DH. I have 2 dogs and while I love them to pieces when they are gone WE ARE DONE for a long while.

Have you done your surgeries?

Have you taken your vacations?

Gone camping with your sister yet?

You might just want a dog because you have a lot on your plate and you want to do "avoidance".

Something to think about. Cut your DH some slack & stop being mad.