The saga of Baby M....update in post 80

[NHdisneylover]

Sandra, that is a scary thought--and for someone with such severe problems (and it sounds like less than stellar role models for taking care of yourself and your chidlren on your own) it is possible. It is also possible that B will sober up enough and love her child enough to realize that she is not currently able to provide the best enviornment for her child and will voluntarily sign over guardianship to someone who can (perhaps Gabby and Maggie) while she gets her own life together. I have seen that scenario play out.

Maggie, I hope you can update us again soon about how baby M is doing.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Mickeysaver, do you know what her APGAR was at birth and then post?

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Very positive turn of events. Still praying

Tucker (the Tuck in my screen name) was born with some of the challenges you've described here with Baby M -- relatively low birth weight, meconium in the amniotic fluid, and breathing problems (probably having aspirated some of that nasty black goo). His initial apgar was pretty dismal too. It was scary at the time but ultimately, everything turned out fine. Kid's a National Merit Scholar AND a royal pain in the butt. I'm betting Baby M's gonna do just peachy-keen with loving family members like you.

Am SO looking forward to seeing her 4 YO birthday pics @ WDW.

 

[mickeysaver]

For all of you that are still worried about Baby "M" count me still among you. While I am attempting to be hopeful that "F" is really turning the corner and will use this little miracle as her motivation to change her life for the better, I am still very realistic about where things are. I know that "F" is very manipulative and a great actress. While it's easy to love a newborn with lots of nurses around watching your every move and you are not 100% left to deal with the crying and constant need of that baby, it's a far different thing that she will be facing once she get that baby with her 24/7 at the rehab center.

The rehab center has a program designed for addicted mothers. They will still work to help "F" with her recovery, while also taking an active part in making sure that Baby "M" is being cared for and that her mommy is getting trained with lots of good parenting skills. "F" by original court order has to be there for at least 3 months, but there can be more time added as needed to facilitate a good outcome and Baby "M"'s safety. When "F" went through the intake process, they told "B" that she would be there a minimum of 6 months due to her issues. So, as long as "F" and the baby are there, I am not too concerned still because, "F" will have back up.

Where I become more concerned is when "F" and Baby "M" are released from the center. "F" is going to need a major lifestyle change and quite honestly, I just don't see it happening. I very much worry that the needs of a growing and demanding infant are going to weight too much on her and she will make more bad choices. "F" will have some help from her mom, "B", but her mom has multiple health issues: ovarian cancer and an uncontrolled seizure disorder are the two most recent and more concerning at the moment. "B" used to be morbidly obese and blamed all of her troubles and bad life choices on her weight. 10 years ago, she had gastric bypass, lost a ton of weight and apparently her mind because she set forth on a very self destructive path and really left her kids without proper supervision and without any sort of proper parenting ever since. We had actually offered to let "F" move up here years ago to help her to succeed in life with some better opportunities, but "B" declined to let her come live with us. "F" is very smart, but she makes some super bad decisions. "F" and her mom have always butted heads. So, "F" going back to live with her mom is not exactly the best decision, but it will most likely be the place that she goes. Baby daddy is still out of the picture and even when he was in the picture, he was living in "B"'s house with "F".

In other words, there are still lots of things that we are far too aware of that could go wrong.

I have not been told what her APGAR score was. I would love to know, but I have a feeling that no one in the family would have a clue about what it was anyway. From what I heard, she was not breathing immediately, they had to suction the meconium out of her airway and had to keep pinching and poking her to get her breathing and that went on for several minutes before she was breathing well on blow by oxygen. She has had some apnea, but it is getting better and she is off the oxygen. The most worrysome thing right now is the low blood sugar, which could be due to her poor sucking reflex, when it comes to the bottles and that could be because "F" was using Hydrocodone. We are hopeful that this is just a random preemie thing that will self resolve, but it's still a concern.

I am thankful for all of your prayers and concern. Let's just hope that "F" makes good choices from here on.

 

[SandrA9810]

my life choies might not be the greatest, but i don't have a child to worry about either. If I screw up, I'm only affecting my life.
At the same time, this isn't even about me. This is a bout a baby that really needs a good home. And I can still tell you right from wrong, and I would hate see wrong choices made for this little girl. Even Maggie sees that anything can still happen at this moment. At least you can have 6 months of enjoyment.

 

[mickeysaver]

As of right now, we have no reason to attempt to push for anything different than what is happening. The courts and social services do their best to keep kids with their mothers. While this is not the ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination, it's still the way that the system works. As long as "F" is in rehab and not in jail, the baby stays with her, unless there is some horrible breakdown in care.

Gabby and I discussed what we were able to handle in involving ourselves in this situation, should we see that there was a need to really push to get involved as anything other than just being great aunts. We had a lot of discussions about what this would mean to us as a couple, what it would do to her relationship with the rest of the family, what this would do to our animals, what this would mean financially, what this would mean with Gabby's job which requires her to travel out of state almost every week, what this would mean in legal expenses, what this would mean in terms of certain sacrifices that we each would need to make, and more. Trust me, we talked about all of it.

We both decided that unless this was a case where we were given the chance for a 100% free and clear chance to adopt, that we would not go into it. Neither of us have it in us to bond to a child and then let it go. To some that might seem cruel, but if Baby "M"'s fate is one that leads her into foster care vs being given to us freely by "F" and baby daddy, then that's just her fate. The costs are just too high in respect to far too many aspects of our lives to only be guardians for a little while. If we are going to make that much sacrifice, then it would have to be for a child that would forever be ours. With the uncertainty that goes along with having to battle for the baby, which there would be a battle, to the justifying how Gabby could care for the baby with her travel schedule, to the legal fees for an out of state adoption and travel, and dog boarding, lost wages, and all of the additional family drama.....and then to have to worry that even if we did manage to get the baby through a kinship adoption that at some point in the future that either "F" or baby daddy could come back and try to regain custody because the "gay" issue was glossed over and therefore Gabby's adoption of the baby nullified, that would just be horrible beyond words.

This is why I am so focused on praying for "F" to get her life together and for Baby "M" to be healthy.

 

[hematite153]

Maggie -- I missed this the other day. It definitely sounds like a tough situation and I'm glad that F decided to return to rehab, but, understand all of your fears. You will ALL be in my thoughts and I desperately hope that whatever happens is truly in M's best interest.

(Btw, I completely understand why you'd want to be clear that the birth parents were relinquishing rights in order for Gabby to adopt before you'd get involved -- and I am a foster parent. Kinship fostering can be extra challenging and when you mix in Florida's homophobic laws it could be a nightmare.)

 

[NHdisneylover]

Maggie, I think it is great that you and Gaby have truly looked at and talked about all of the possible remifications of involving baby M in your lives at different levels. I think the truly loving thing to do would to do as you plan and not become involved in a situation that you feel you are not up to
I will keep hoping for the very best outcome for M and B--whatever that may be.

 

[Mathfailure]

Maggie

As an parent who has adopted twice, your reasoning is spot on and I hope you hold to it if you are ever 'emotionally' pulled to decide something else. These decisions are best made before the heat of the moment.

I knew that I would not be able to face a parent coming to me after the placement and taking the child back. So I never looked into domestic adoption at all, always overseas.

Through my work I have some experience with rehab, it often takes several attempts before clean and sober are reached - if at all. So I understand your fears, at least some of them.

I have thought of these two often today, and kept sending up prayers.

Kathleen

 

[mickeysaver]

Thanks for understanding where our heads are at with this. I was worried that this might get ugly, but I am brutally honest, which gets me in to trouble with people sometimes, but it's just who I am.

We had the luxury of knowing that "F" was in deep poo since just before Thanksgiving. Gabby, as usual, spontaneously decided that we should fight to take the baby. Of course she was on the other side of the country when she dropped this little bomb on me and my first thought was "We need to talk!" But, I knew from her previous trips out there that we would get nothing much accomplished over the phone because of the time difference and her nutty schedule. So, I started researching FL law and found that it was not real gay friendly. I looked into what we would be looking at in legal fees, if everything were to go off without a hitch. I looked into maternity leave policies at work. I looked into what FMLA leave that Gabby would be entitled to at her work. I priced our the dog boarding for our then upcoming Disney trip, which is about $150 a day, which would mean that during all of that time that we would be in FL trying to get the baby, that we would be spending that much each day just to have our current babies boarded. I tried to find lawyers that were licensed in GA and FL who dealt with adoption law. I did a lot of soul searching alone, because Gabby asked me to talk to no one about the fact that "F" was about to be arrested. [edited to add: at this point, we knew nothing about the drug abuse issues.] It was the longest week of my life outside of the time when my Dad had his heart attack.

Once Gabby returned home days later, we set aside some time to talk and really work through all of the issues involved. We sat in an IHOP near home for several hours talking about it. A couple of pots of coffee later, we had reached our decision of how we should handle this.

Since Gabby has been traveling all day and evening, I haven't heard many updates on Baby "M". However, I did get a text with the picture of the newest member of my MIL's alpaca herd. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but it's white, little, and cute. [edited to add: it's a girl!]

 

[mickeysaver]

Baby "M" had a negative drug screen at birth! While I know that this doesn't exclude the damage that could have been done to her with the months of exposure to alcohol, marijuana, hydrocodone, and whatever else that "F" may have abused, at least it does show that for at least a little while toward the end, Baby "M" was not exposed. With all of the lies that "F" tells and all of her disappearances for days at a time, it has been really hard to trust her word on anything.

"F" is very emotional right now. She got the flowers and balloons that we sent yesterday and was all weepy. Today, "F" goes back to rehab, so far no word on a discharge date for the baby yet, but hopefully, it will be soon.

 

[hematite153]

Baby "M" had a negative drug screen at birth!

That's excellent news! (Some kids miraculously show no signs of fetal exposure; here's hoping M is one of them!)

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Great news; prayers and good thoughts continue.

 

[NHdisneylover]

EVery little bit of "normal" is good news for a baby in M's situation. I am so happy this screen came out good and that it seems B was doing okay at least there at the end.

 

[mickeysaver]

Picture time! What kind of a great aunt would I be without a few pictures to show off of the most beautiful baby that has entered the world in the last 3 days? I wish that I could upload the little video of her Grandma "B" holding her and telling her little "Doodlebug" that she needed to wake up and say "Hi" to everyone. It's probably the sweetest thing that I have ever heard out of "B"'s mouth.

This is the first picture that I got of Baby "M". Gabby admitted to me today that when she got it, she thought to herself, "You should have been mine." (sigh)

This is another tiny picture that we got today.

And of course, I have to save the best for last.

An additional bit of info is that "F" is leaving the hospital tomorrow instead of today. The baby is doing so well that they feel that she can go with "F" to the rehab center tomorrow, so the next step will be upon us quickly. We are thankful, oh so very thankful, that Baby "M" seems to be so remarkably normal.

Prayers seem to be working. Thank you all again!

 

[hematite153]

She's adorable!

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

she's beautiful!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

That is such good news about the drug screen! Hopefully, things will continue to improve so much for little baby M.

She's a cutie, by the way! Thank you for sharing her photos with us!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh she is just precious Thank you for posting the photos.

 

[mickeysaver]

Well, thanks for agreeing that she is a cutie.

Favorite facial features include that little chin. That chin is a recessive throw back to her Great Grandfather, Gabby's dad. Gabby and her sister "L" both have that chin, but sister "B", aka Grandma, didn't get it and neither did Baby "M"'s mom. I think that Ron is going to get a big kick out of seeing that his first Great Grand has it, when neither of the Grands did.

Those lips are totally from Gabby's mom. She was quite pleased to see a little of herself in the little peanut.

Baby "M" eyes come from her momma. "F" has the most beautiful eyes. She really is a pretty girl.

I have only met the baby daddy once, and honestly, I don't see much of him in her. (maybe he isn't the one ) He and "F" share a similar skin tone even though "F" is bi-racial, so far, the baby seems to be following suit with a lighter skin tone, but that could change.

All I know is that I wish that we could go down and see her. With Gabby's travel schedule, it's not happening anytime soon.