The in-laws want to come!

[Bertie9396]

OK, first off I love my in-laws. I really do. They are wonderful and I usually enjoy spending time with them. We all went to Florida (Orlando/St. Pete's) last year and had a great time. With that being said...I don't want them coming with us this year. They paid for everything last time...they offered to do it for DD and it was wonderful but also frustrating. They wouldn't even let us leave a tip after dinner. I bought a bottle of water and later found two dollar bills in my purse after I turned around from bickering with MIL about the money to talk to DD. I felt because they were paying for everything that we should do what they wanted and stick to their agenda. MIL is up at 5 am and in bed by 8. Makes it a little hard to stay at MK for fireworks but you sure get a good spot at the hotel pool in the mornings and we definitely made it in time for rope drop! LOL We have been planning this years trip since November. We are driving down, just DH, DD (6) and me. First off MIL and FIL tried to give us money for the trip. We turned it down. Lately MIL has been asking me all these details about our stay. The name and location of the hotel, etc. I told her I'd leave her all that info before we left so she could reach us if she had to but really, she could call us on the cell phone. But I guess DH gave her the name and phone number of the hotel because she called me up yesterday at work. "I made a hotel reservation!!!" I'm actually a little mad. I don't want to vacation with anyone else this year. I just want to enjoy my family away from everything going on at home. Just this once. DH thinks I'm over-reacting and thinks its great. Now we can go out more and leave DD with his parents. I want to spend this trip with my kid. That's the whole idea!!! I can drop her off at her grandparents anytime for a night out. I want to enjoy some quality family time together. Am I off base here? I told MIL I really wish she hadn't done that. I tried to explain it to her and she said they won't be going to the parks or anything with us. Then why are they going? 4 of our 7 days, we plan to be at the parks! We are driving down and I guess they want to follow us. They like to stop...alot. Even a 3 hour trip somewhere they have to stop for lunch. I'm like we are 30 minutes away...lets just keep going and eat there. They are going to slow us down!! I had all these stops planned out and now FIL is saying no...we should stop somewhere else instead. I'm just so upset. I feel like I don't even want to go now.

 

[loganpaulsmom]

I would be PISSED! You are lucky that you have a generally good relationship with your inlaws and the last time you all went away you had a great time (we went with our inlaws in 2008 and it was miserable, would NEVER NEVER do it again)..
Last Mother's day my SIL started talking about going to Disney again and she made it clear when talking about it, that she wanted this time to be just her family, as they had never really taken a trip just the 4 of them.. Completely understandable.. and this time in May when my husband and son and I are going, I also just wanted to go with the 3 of us..
It just is a different vacation when its just your immediate family.. You can do what you want, when you want and you don't have to worry about what anyone else wants to do..
I know its hard but I would probably say something like " The reason why I had never given you the details when you asked a few times is because hubby and I had decided before hand that we wanted this trip to be just the 3 of us, last time was great with you guys, and you were extremely generous but I felt tied down to doing what you wanted all the time because you were paying for everything, this time I want to be able to do everything that we want to do, I hope you understand".. I mean, not those exact words but something like that..

 

[Bertie9396]

I was really honest with MIL on the phone yesterday. But then I was getting upset about it and was at work so I had to go and haven't spoken to her since. I tried talking to DH but he doesn't understand why my feelings are so strong about this. I'll calm down some more and go and talk to my ILs in person this weekend.

 

[shanab99]

I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago. In-laws offered to pay for us to meet them in Disney (they live in FL half the year). We've done Disney with them before, and they are different from us when vacationing in Disney. MIL is not a big fan of the rides, they like to go much slower, they don't do TS meals, and they always like to go back to the hotel in the afternoon. We do Disney full-out-- parks all day, nap in the stroller, TS meals once a day, and the kids are used to this. Last time we went, we kind of felt we should accommodate them since they were paying. Don't get me wrong, they are nice, and I appreciate it. But, like you, I go to Disney to enjoy my family. I don't like sharing them in Disney, KWIM? So this last time they offered to pay, I'm kind of happy it didn't work out. We'll be going on our own in Aug.

If they're not going to the parks with you, I'd say you're a little better off. It still seems like you're upset about them coming, though. Maybe try to get your husband on board? You can still talk to them about your feelings, but that's not an assurance that they won't get offended and they still may decide to go-- which would make the trip awkward. If hubby talks to them they may me more receptive to what he says, and it's better if you present a unified front. Good luck!! Been there, mama.

 

[daisyduck123]

1) Well now they know, so you're stuck. Let them come on this trip & PAY FOR EVERYTHING like they did last time. Enjoy it. Thank goodness you all get along so well.

2) Book another trip (with the $$ you'll now be saving from this upcoming trip with them) and DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT IT UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE.

PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

(and this seriously, is exactly what I would do).

 

[cinmell]

1) Well now they know, so you're stuck. Let them come on this trip & PAY FOR EVERYTHING like they did last time. Enjoy it. Thank goodness you all get along so well.

2) Book another trip (with the $$ you'll now be saving from this upcoming trip with them) and DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT IT UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE.

PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

(and this seriously, is exactly what I would do).

Genius! I like the way you think!

Good luck OP!

 

[shanab99]

Forget what I said-- I completely agree with DaisyDuck .

 

[bigbabyblues]

We never tell the ILs when we're planning a trip for this very reason. They're great and I love them, but we traveled with them once and I swore I'd never do it again. Luckily, DH agrees with me. MIL asked once about going along the next time we went to Disney and DH told her they could go when h#ll froze over. He said it very nicely, but i think she got the point. We feel that our vacations are OUR vacations, and we take no extras.

 

[lady_bug_888]

I know my IL's butt-in a lot and DH and I sometimes butt heads on whether it's appropriate or not but we usually compromise. For instance, this Christmas DH decided we were not going ANYWHERE (IL's live 4 hours south, my family lives 4 hours north) and we were going to spend Christmas and the ensuing holidays at our house because it was our first Christmas he has had off. We invited everyone to our house but of course no one wanted to come. The week after Christmas is not only New Year's but also my b-day and I had NEVER had DS here for those two holidays as he is usually at his bio-grandparents house or my IL's, I really, really wanted him here. Well guess who showed up unannounced Christmas Day??? Yep, my IL's. I graciously invited them in and we shared Christmas together. From the second they came in the door they started asking to take DS home for the rest of the week. I said 'no' and told them why (Holidays at home, want to spend new years and bday with DS). After LOTS of pestering including DS getting involved I compromised and let DS go for 3 days provided IL's did all the driving and DS was back for my bday (he was but that's a whole other story!).

Why did I compromise on something that was important? Because they are my IL's and I am a part of their family and I want us to have a close relationship...I AM married to their son whom they miss. Also, I did it for DS...I want him to be happy and if that means I have to give up 3 days of rare family time...then so be it! Also, it goes a long way to strengthening my relationship with my IL's.

That said, I totally understand your frustration. My advice would be a little different from PP's.

Even though you wanted to have a family vacation ALONE, these are your IL's and you really don't want bad blood between you. I would just accept it but lay down some ground rules...some give and take will go a long way!

1) As for driving down together...do it and suck it up. I KNOW it's frustrating to stop over and over and to go by someone else's schedule, but maybe they're stopping because being in the car that long is hard for them or some other reason that is important to them (but annoying to you). You could try to pre-negotiate when/where/how long between stops and although it might not work exactly, it might alleviate some aggravation.

2) State your ground rules. Something like: we don't want to get up at 5 every morning, we will meet for dinner on these days, we'll go to a park together on this day, we REALLY want to do X as just a family (meaning you, DD and DH)...etc. Maybe MIL will take DD overnight one night and then they can get up at 5 and you and DH can have a night alone and sleep in slightly!

Finally, tell your IL's you love them and appreciate the fact that they want to share this time with you.

 

[Castillo Mom]

I agree with what some of the other have posted, sometimes we have to compromise with the inlaws. I would make sure DH is on board with keeping to the itinerary you have planned. Then have him talk to your inlaws in a kind manner and tell them they are welcomed to participate in anything you have planned but that you are keeping to the schedule. This way they know ahead of time what to expect.

 

[Bertie9396]

I"m more annoyed with the fact that they did this without even discussing it with us. And dumped it on us 3 weeks before we are leaving. DH and I talked this morning and he was much more focused and really listened. He's going to talk to his parents today. DD and I are going away for the night so he'll be over there. If they had approached us first and asked if we would mind I would feel better about it. I would have agreed (though begrudgingly). If they go I can't stop them but we are driving as we want to drive and we'll meet them at the hotel. I'll try to make the best of it but I'm really going to have to work on biting my tongue!! MIL was telling me back in November that we shouldn't go in March because its too crowded. She would have gone in February. Well, she could have! *Deep Breath* I just have to remember I'm so lucky that I married into such a great family. I'm sure it will be fun no matter what. Right? DD will be happy they are coming (if they go).

 

[spacemountainmom]

My in-laws have a long history of promising to do stuff with my kids and then leaving them high and dry.

We've done three trips with my family and my in-laws tried inviting themselves to join us on the third trip. I guess they didn't understand that my family would be there, because they backed out as soon as they found out.

We planned a trip for our family only this past January. We were really looking forward to a trip with just us. My dh mentioned to his parents last summer that a trip was in the works and they were welcome to meet us. I wasn't real thrilled, but they immediately declined anyway.

We were about three weeks away from leaving when my mil calls dh and informs him that they were coming. I wasn't real happy, but dh told me that it would probably be for just a couple of days and they wouldn't want to spend the whole day with us anyway. Ok, I will suck it up and deal.

We're getting closer to leaving and there's really been no contact about the trip. I needed to talk to my mil about a Christmas gift that she sent my daughter that didn't work out and needed to be returned. In the course of the conversation, she tells me to tell dh that they have decided not to join us.
They are going to wait and go in March with some friends. Once again, they pass up seeing their son and grandkids (who they only see once a year) to do stuff with friends.

I understand wanting to do your own trip. I am so glad we did it this year. We really enjoyed it being just us and the kids. It was a completely different vacation. I don't care how well you get along....different people have different interests and expectations and it was nice to only have to consider our own this time.

Good luck to you!

 

[Castillo Mom]

DH and I talked this morning and he was much more focused and really listened. He's going to talk to his parents today.

That's great you're both on the same page. My husband has always handled those difficult conversations with the inlaws - helps keep me out of the line of fire!

I just have to remember I'm so lucky that I married into such a great family. I'm sure it will be fun no matter what. Right? DD will be happy they are coming (if they go).

Good attitude, sometimes we just have to count our blessings. You'll have a wonderful time even if things don't go exactly as you had planned. I'm sure having a conversation with them ahead of time will help.

 

[cseca]

Ouch!
I think you have the right attitude tho.
If I were you I would make a schedule of what you think is important for your family.

For example if you want to be up at x hour in the morning and be back for naps at what time and do fireworks etc.
And then give them the schedule. Tell them they are welcome to come along with your family's schedule or they are free to make their own.
Of course try to make an effort to do a big family time together so they won't feel slighted. If they try to change your plans just try to be gracious and but firm (of course make sure your DH is on the same page).

And don't feel guilty about anything, THEY insinuate themselves into your family vacation 3 weeks before the trip. I think you are entitled to following your own family plan.

Other than that try to have fun!!!

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

First off OP let me tell you that your feelings are most certainly VERY justified.
Having someone, anyone, impose on your well-planned and much anticipated family vacation without first clearing it with you is enough to drive anyone crazy! I would also say it is rude and self-entitlement almost to the extreme. We once booked a vacation with another family (not Disney) only to find out that the other family in turn invited another family they were friends with and who ended up joining us on our entire vacation. So here we were vacationing 12 days, in the same hotel with people we had never met and never knew would be there. That being said, please remember that this is family and I feel almost certain they are doing this because of their great love for you and your family and not to control the situation. Try to find a compromise. You do not always have to be together at meals, the pools, the parks, DTD, whatever. Do not let this ruin your relationship and do not go on vacation still upset because holding a grudge is guaranteed to ruin your trip. If anything, do it for your dd as one day she will not have them around and it sounds as if she really loves them. They sound well-intentioned and extremely generous. I feel sad when I read other posts telling you to take advantage of them financially and let them pay for your entire trip. Please do not do that. You do not come off like that kind of person. Having your family love you and your child is worth more than any amount of money you can take from them. I sincerely hope you are able to find a middle ground and have a fantastic trip with wonderful memories.

 

[juliebean]

Perhaps your MIL has already realized they've pushed the family togetherness a little too far, considering that they've already said they aren't going to the parks... If you don't think so, I'd approach it as softly as you can, in the interest of their feelings. I think in the long run your husband will appreciate your compromise and consideration of his parents and you'll be glad to have taken the high road.

We don't have a good relationship with my in-laws for various reasons. My kids have never spent the night with them, so I can only wish for in laws like yours. I guess the grass is always greener!

 

[tlh0726]

OP I hope you can compromise and have them join you for vacation.

I would set the ground rules as to traveling seperately, give them a copy of your game plan, and tell them they are more than welcome to join you for the day or part of the day but you will not be changing plans.

Having just lost my MIL in january, you never know what unexpected event may happen and this just may be the last trip that they will be able to make.

 

[dougsmom98]

I would be irritated too, but at the same time, I couldn't disappoint them. Admittedly, I am a people pleaser though. Every year, we vacation with family. There are things that they do that drive me nuts and they do slow us down, but the kids do LOVE having their grandparents there. I do not compromise on my schedule though. If I say we are leaving for the parks at a given time and they aren't ready, we go. If I say we are going to stay at the parks until close, we stay, and they can leave. If we drive on a trip, we have our route planned and hotels booked in advance. I also let them know which towns we plan on stopping in to eat. We don't necessarily drive behind each other either. I hate trying to follow someone or worry about someone following me. I find it distracting and dangerous. We stop for the restroom breaks when we need to and they do when they need to. We meet up for meals and surprisingly we stay fairly close to each other on the road. Take charge of the trip, tell them your plans, don't waiver from those plans unless you want to. It will really be okay. Good luck.

 

[PittPantherfan]

I would be having the same reaction as you. I would be ticked but the DH wouldn't understand why either. So, I give you my support for what it is worth.

If you end up with them going - I agree with the poster who said that ground rules need to be set down. Inform them of your plans and give them the option if they want to join. Don't compromise your immediate family's experience. Afterall, they invited themselves.

My inlaws did this to us once on a non-Disney vacation, we just stuck to our routine and they gave up and realized that they couldn't keep up. We had a few meals and that was about it. They did their own thing.

It sounds calous but we had forwarned them before they came.

 

[Bertie9396]

Well, DH spoke to his parents last night. They are still planning on coming but they have agreed that we will go at our own pace while driving there. They plan on taking 2 overnight stops. We are just planning on just one They will be spending 5 days in Orlando and then they are going to St. Pete's for a week. So, for our road trip portion and our first day we'll be by ourselves. They only want to come with us to MK for one day. They'll go with us to Rope Drop and spend most of the day but they won't be staying for the fireworks and will probably be leaving before we go to dinner. Its just too late for MIL. MIL tried again to offer to pay for everything and DH turned her down. This is OUR trip. We appreciate their generosity but if we need money, we'll ask for it. The reason they are so generous though is because we NEVER ask for it. They wanted to know why I was so upset...DH explained that I was just taken aback that they just invited themselves like that. I really was looking forward to our small family trip/adventure. I guess they got it because MIL called this morning to apologize. She offered to cancel the Orlando part and see about changing their reservations for longer in St. Pete's but I said that's fine. I understand them wanting to be with us, but would have appreciated being consulted. She knew how hard I've been working, planning this trip for us and how excited I was about it. She agreed and said that she would have been upset if we invited ourselves on their vacation. Anyway, it sounds like they are coming now. I'm still not totally happy about it but at least they understand where DH and I are coming from. It'll be OK. Thanks for your comments everyone. I know I really am lucky with wonderful in-laws who just want to be with us and see us have a good time.