Chapter Eleven:
Sorry about the radio silence. Three updates in a week and then nothing. Whats up with that?! For reasons that will eventually become apparent, I just havent had as much time to write lately.
I got lost down one of 1000happyhaunts rabbit trails and I never made it back. Why do those people keep having floods? Hey, Happyhaunts, let my people go!
Back to our show: After the meandering bus trip from Epcot (Center?) we were up late and decided to sleep late the next day. We also decided we wanted to start our day at the pool. We live in the Northwest and swimming in a pool is a treat. Like eating Pop Tarts. Laugh at us if you want, call us rubes even. If I still lived in the south, Id make fun of us, too. Everyone in the south has a pool or access to a pool. No one we know up here even owns a bathing suit. Flannel weve got; swimming britches, not so much.
Point is: we wanted to swim.
We met my sister and her family for lunch at the PORiverside Food court which surely has an actual name but why name a food court? Seriously. We ran wild in the food court like a bunch of middle-aged women at Filenes, each grabbing what they wanted from the different food venues and then racing for the registers The way I describe it, youd think the choices were endless.
They werent. But there were more choices than at home and we were on the Free Dinning Plan so we threw caution to the wind. I had my 4th cheesesteak of the week. I also filled my Refillable For Life Mug with my favorite Diet Beverage and we sat around a huge table laughing. Oh how I love vacation. My sisters two oldest sons are teenagers and they have the same sense of humor as their mom, dad and favorite uncle. There was an endless stream of Napoleon Dynamite, Airplane! and Seinfeld lines. The tables around us were less amused and cleared out quickly after we sat down. They either thought we were too loud or they didnt appreciate us unleashing the power.
Ill let you figure out what that means.
After lunch we invaded the pool. Because my daughter is only 3½ and my niece is the same age, we went first to the large toilet bowl cleverly disguised as a kiddy pool. We unloaded on some lounge chairs the ridiculous amount of stuff we dragged with us to the pool for 90 minutes of fun. We slathered our kids and ourselves up with SPF 175 sunscreen and hopped in the pool. There were two or three other kids with their parents. A little girl about my daughters age came over and started talking to her. My daughter stared a hole in this kids face and then turned around. Embarrassed by my daughters rudeness, I turned to the kids dad and told him we were training my daughter to be in a sorority. She has no choice but to be rude to other girls. He laughed. But I wasnt kidding. My wife gave our daughter the Alpha Gam secret handshake and then put on her water wings.
Bored with the kiddy pool shenanigans, me and my sister and my three nephews headed for the big pool and the water slide. We passed a list of slide rules on our way up to the top but we treated them as mere suggestions. Like a speed limit. Water slides are fun. Theyre more fun if you can slide down backwards or on your stomach. However, because of pesky trial lawyers, no one lets you do that anymore. Have fun that is. But at this pool, there was only one lifeguard watching the slide and her eyes were trained only at the bottom. No one was at the top or along the slide route which meant we could start down head first and on our backs as long as we spun around to the approved position before the last turn put us in the lifeguards view. Its not that hard to do. You just have to know where you are in the slide and before Big Bend (the last turn), you had to straighten out and sit up right. We all did this. Except for one of my nephews who just couldnt get it timed out right. He would come around Big Bend still on his belly or with his feet up in the air. The lifeguard would blow her whistle and yell at him every time. In order to maintain the appearance of propriety, we would yell at him, too.
Stop doing that! wed yell. Youre not supposed to do that!
Ill throw anyone under the bus if they threaten my fun.
You know, the water slide at PORiverside isnt all that great. What made it fun was our luge-like runs down the slide, the scoring wed assign to our runs and our grand efforts to conceal our illicit fun from the lifeguard. Seriously, twisting 180 degrees to the politically correct slide position before you hit her view was more fun than just about anything else. It was more fun than Maelstrom. And we didnt need a Fastpass.
We finished our Olympic runs down the slide and headed back to the kiddy pool to plan out the rest of the day. My brother in law and oldest nephew were leaving that day to go home but my sister and her three other kids were staying with us for the last two days. But before my brother in law left, they wanted to go to the new stunt show at MGM with us. No problem, well go shower and change and head over to MGM, hit the stunt show and then they can leave.
But the seas were angry that day, my friend. We walked back to our room and while my wife and daughter were rinsing off, I called guest services to find out the times for the stunt show. I dont remember the exact times she gave me (and Im not inclined to get the Times Guide out of my Disney File because although Im nerd enough to actually have saved the Times Guide and to have a Disney File, the actual time is irrelevant). We had less than an hour to get every body neat and pretty, loaded up in vehicles, over to MGM, through the rigorous security check and across the park. A lesser man would have given up. But I had just won Olympic Gold on the waterslide, there was no stopping me.
I wished the CM at Guest Services a magical day back and yelled at my wife that we had to move. Theres a sale at Nordstroms! Move! Move! Move! I shouted. I detected not even the slightest increase in her speed but it made me feel good to yell. Next I called my sister on her cell and told her the time crunch we were under. She is like me, a gold medalist on the waterslide, and she too would not be deterred. Some of you may be wondering how we could both be gold medalists. Setting aside that waterslide isnt actually an Olympic sport, and the Olympics were not held in 2005 or at Disney World, men and women dont compete against each other. Duh! Shes the womens gold medal winner and Im the mens.
We calculated the time it would take to get our families ready and how long it would take to get to MGM. We agreed to meet at her room at the appointed time. I chased my wife and daughter around our room getting everybody ready and then we ran over to my sisters room. I kept looking at my watch and calculating how much time we had to get to the Stunt show. We threw everyone into the two vehicles and we got the little ones into their car seats. We then headed at a legal and safe speed to MGM and arrived in the parking lot on at least two of the four wheels on the van. I reminded everyone to remain seated with their belts fashioned until the ride came to a full and complete stop. We parked and in a whirlwind of activity we each sprang into action: getting strollers out of the back, getting kids out of car seats, getting kids into strollers, making sure hats and backpacks and cameras were all with us. Tickets? Check. Lets roll. As were running towards the security check, I remembered to look back to make sure I knew where we were parked. I memorized our section and we continued towards the front gates.
I both hate and love the Disney Dash. I hate the rushing; the anxiety, the stress of knowing this is your one and only chance to see this show because it will be at least a year before youre back here and youve been dying to see this show but youve got a large family with three kids under 6 and not everyone moves at your pace. On the other hand, I love the adrenaline rush of getting 9 people dressed and out the door and across property to a show everyone wants to see. I love the sense of accomplishment when you make it.
The thrill of victory.
I guess thats why I worked and trained so long to be on the Olympic Waterslide Team.
On the other hand, it was exceptionally hot. Hotter than anything I can ever remember. I did some mission work in a tropical area one year and it was like winter in New York compared to the Florida Hot on this September day in 2005. We got through security and through the gates and then moved quickly towards the Stunt Show. We had five minutes to get our whirling dervish of Disney obnoxion across the park. We would not be denied. We were in attack formation and I had the point. People coming the opposite direction recognized the look in my eye and smartly moved to the side. I navigated around the other people ahead of me. It was amazing. I was visualizing moves three and four steps ahead. Up on a sidewalk, around the family of 12 hovered around a park map, down off the sidewalk, around the couple posing with the Photopass photographer, down the left side, move! Move! Move!
But the heat, my word, the heat!
Is there no shade in this park? We kept moving past the CMs who were cooking a pot roast on the curb and we finally arrived at the asphalt wasteland in front of the Stunt show. We parked the strollers and pulled our kids out in one motion and ran, ran, ran towards the sea of people pouring into the show.
If too much information is too much for you, then skip this paragraph: by the time we got into the line to get into the Stunt show there was LITERALLY not one part of my body that wasnt drenched in sweat. I have dark hair and it is a magnet for the sun. So I put on a hat which protected my head but just kept the heat in. My eyebrows were now dripping sweat into my eyes. My t-shirt was plastered to my back. My ears were sweating. My toes. My liver.
Have you been to the Stunt show? Do you have any idea how big the stands are? Do you have any idea how much heat is generated by a few thousand sweaty tourists sitting on aluminum seats watching a show? As much as I wanted to see the Stunt show, when I saw the stands, and the people and the waves of smelly heat wafting off of them, I seriously reconsidered this choice. But by now, I was trapped in a line of smelly, sweaty people snaking its way up the steps.
Thankfully, Disney has those three fans blowing air into the crowd of 5,000 people. What a relief.
For the five people in front of them.
The Stunt Show itself was ok. It was like Le Cellier, neither good nor bad. Just ok. I had the vague sense Id seen this all before. Sure its cool to watch things explode (although on that day I could have lived without the close proximity to fire) and cars ride on two wheels. But there was nothing truly spectacular about it. If youve ever seen a stunt show, and by now, who hasnt? then youve seen this one, too. It was big and loud and spectacular. So is the Indy Stunt Show. Or the one at Universal Studios. I just expected more. Id see it again and I will see it again. I just wont rush my family across the park in the Florida Hot to do it.
All Im saying is when you win Olympic Gold for the Waterslide, you want to follow that with something worthwhile, like Rockn Rollercoaster. Or Muppets 3D even. If making it to the Stunt Show on time was the thrill of victory, actually watching the show was the agony of defeat. Its like getting invited to go hunting with the Vice President. Youre all excited about getting close proximity to the Veep. And then he shoots you in the face.
Next time: The Extra Magic Hours Attraction Disney Didn't Know Was Open
Your writing is just too enjoyable. 
