Teens Visiting Family--Update Post #111

[auntpolly]

Do you want her to be like you?.

What's wrong with her?

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I was just posting from my own experience as a teenager. I had one set of grands at the coast and the other set in the mountains. Either trip was 3 1/2 hours. We went every month to visit both. All of my grandparents are dead now. I wouldn't have memories of them if my parents hadn't MADE me go. I too was an angry and resentful teenager.

What stood out for me was the fact that your DH really wants her to go. I thinks that's great.

Lori

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yes while the OP said there will be 2 or 3 more opportunities to see the uncle doesn't mean her DD will go--If she doesn't go this time then she will be thinking of how to get out of those as well!

Obviously family means a lot to her DH as evidenced by the comment the OP made about his side of the family traveling a lot to see each other throughout the year and he wants to continue with that with his own family unluckily for him OP doesn't see that---I think what is important to our spouse needs to be important to us as well and if he wants DD to go then DD should go---He has a wife who doesn't share his love of family get togethers and now his DD is headed down the same path----You can only come up with so many excuses as to why someone isn't there before the family figures it out and he probably used them all up with the OP!

She is 15 and while she may have a life of her own that involves friends---FAMILY is the most important---(And if her friends don't understand that then they aren't the type of friends she deserves to have)

So what if she is bored off her gourd? Would you tell her when school gets boring she doesn't have to go? All of us get bored with different things but we don't just blow it off(meetings at work,doctors appts) If she didn't have PRIOR engagaments she should go--Just because isn't a valid reason to not do something

DH had every right to be mad about the situation and IMO wasn't being "childish" as another poster put it---For all the posters who believe she shouldn't have to go....Think of something that truly means a lot to you(graduating school,won an award,whatever) NOW imagine your spouse and child saying "You know what,bump you AND what makes you happy because I want NOTHING to do with it"-------How would you feel?

I called him childish.

Her going or not going hasn't been an issue in the past and he had a hissy fit. Then when mom apologized and offered to try or suggestive to try and get DD to go--daddy pouted. Yeah--that's real adult like.

His wife made an error--but raking her over the coals of doing the big no no for not consulting him is crazy.

Mom is not going! I would NEVER force a child to go on visits with the excuse that "but it's important--it's family"--when the whole family is not going on that same important trip! Regardless of reason.

My children thankfully are young and look forward to visiting relatives. I never had issues of visiting non-immediate family relatives even in my teen years.

But taking a kid somewhere where she would be bored out of her mind in the name of family when the whole family isn't going is rediculous.

Relating it to an important life event in the family is silly--and too me has no relation to OP's issue.

And if the whole family was going--you bet your sweet bippy that the WHOLE family is going and I never stated otherwise. If mom were going as well and teen DD was unwilling--I'd say tough sugar. But she isn't. And there lies the problem with forcing people to do things when others are under not under the same obligation.

 

[noodleknitter]

I was just thinking how lucky your daughter is to have a father that is involved in her life. So many aren't. (Not playing guilt, here, I've already said this isn't life or death!) It will surely be a blessing to her thruout her life!

 

[Christine]

sorry, but I would tell ehr that her Dad would really like her to be there and she has to go. Sometimes you gotta spend time with family. Do you want her to be like you? Sometimes those stories are the best memorieswe ahve in our life.

Well, yeah, I wouldn't mind if she was like me?

But, in all seriousness, I get what you are saying.

I realize she doesn't see her family every weekend, but I knew she would be seeing them again this summer--that's why I kind of let it go. But I agree that if this was a once in a summer trip, I would not have given her the option to stay home.

To Marseeya and Aunt Polly--my MIL would like us there at least once a month. At least. I think it's great that she likes us so much, but the time is an issue for me.

FWIW, my MIL and FIL and their 125 lb Newfoundland are always welcome at my home at any time. I can have them there and still get my "chores" done. I have even encourage MIL to come because we live right next to Potomac Mills. Now, not to get into another type of thread but this can go in reverse. My DD is big into drama and has been in a few shows. They've never wanted to come for any of these things. I understand too. It's a long drive and everyone is busy. But don't pull that crap on me when I don't pull it on you, KWIM? They are retired, they have a lot more flexibility.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Am I the only one who thinks a once a month trip to visit family 4 hours away is excessive?

My inlaws are 5-6 hours away and I can't even begin to imagine visiting them that often!

Ours is 2 and a half hours away and we don't visit them that often.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

FWIW, my MIL and FIL and their 125 lb Newfoundland are always welcome at my home at any time. I can have them there and still get my "chores" done. I have even encourage MIL to come because we live right next to Potomac Mills. Now, not to get into another type of thread but this can go in reverse. My DD is big into drama and has been in a few shows. They've never wanted to come for any of these things. I understand too. It's a long drive and everyone is busy. But don't pull that crap on me when I don't pull it on you, KWIM? They are retired, they have a lot more flexibility.

Didn't notice you were in Northern Va--we are here temporarily.

Now I can understand your killer commute.

 

[darrose]

Why is being borded a good reason not to go see family when its important to the dad?
Have her take some books to read, an art sketch book to draw in, a journal to write in, a deck of cards for solitare, etc and let her figure out how to entertain herself while getting to know her relatives better.
Its important to her dad. That should count for something.

 

[Christine]

Why is being borded a good reason not to go see family when its important to the dad?
Have her take some books to read, an art sketch book to draw in, a journal to write in, a deck of cards for solitare, etc and let her figure out how to entertain herself while getting to know her relatives better.
Its important to her dad. That should count for something.

darrose,
I agree with you now (in hindsight, of course). When I made my comment, I didn't know that it was "important to the dad." Now I know better.

Of course, as Lisa Loves Pooh has so eloquently pointed out, Dad is being childish. He is basically "not letting" DD go now, even if I talk her into it. He is pouting, being passive-aggressive. But that's nothing new.

 

[Christine]

Oops wrong thread.

 

[Maleficent13]

Well, here sits a woman who as a teenager was made to go to the grandparents. The house was small, the only thing to do there was read "Guideposts" and listen to my grandparents talk about their neighbors. My grandparents are both gone now, and I miss them, but believe me, it hasn't colored those mindnumbingly boring visits with anything like rose colored glasses. They were boring then; they are still boring in memory 20 yrs later.

I know people are saying "family is important" but really it appears that a few think that *grandparents* are important, but *children* aren't. If the OP's in-laws really wanted to see the grandchildren, why not make it fun and entertaining for them? Seems to me that the grandparents in this sitch are just as self-absorbed as everyone thinks the teen is. I would certainly not expect a child to come to my house and sit quietly for 5 days entertaining themselves while the rest of us talked about things and people that existed before they were born. I wouldn't do that to any adult that visited me (and I think most here would be appalled at my rudeness if I did); why would I do it to a child?

 

[darrose]

I am sorry your hubby is being so passive-agressive with you. Thats not fair to you, because once you found out it was important to him you supported him about her going to visit the relatives.

 

[noodleknitter]

Well, here sits a woman who as a teenager was made to go to the grandparents. The house was small, the only thing to do there was read "Guideposts" and listen to my grandparents talk about their neighbors. My grandparents are both gone now, and I miss them, but believe me, it hasn't colored those mindnumbingly boring visits with anything like rose colored glasses. They were boring then; they are still boring in memory 20 yrs later.

I know people are saying "family is important" but really it appears that a few think that *grandparents* are important, but *children* aren't. If the OP's in-laws really wanted to see the grandchildren, why not make it fun and entertaining for them? Seems to me that the grandparents in this sitch are just as self-absorbed as everyone thinks the teen is. I would certainly not expect a child to come to my house and sit quietly for 5 days entertaining themselves while the rest of us talked about things and people that existed before they were born. I wouldn't do that to any adult that visited me (and I think most here would be appalled at my rudeness if I did); why would I do it to a child?

Being bored is a choice, however. There is no reason to be. There is always something that can be done to help out, a book to be read, or just taking a walk. Children shouldn't need to be entertained day in and out. That is, IMO, on of the casualties of our current society.

And, just because something happened before we were born, doesn't make it obsolete. There is a lot that can be learned from the past in general, and our family's past specifically.

OP, sorry your honey is being silly. We all get pretty foolish when we are hurt and/or angry. Some passive, some not so much!

 

[Maleficent13]

You make it sound like they're all sitting around talking about historical events of national importance, or doing geneological research...when in reality, they're probably talking about the time Jimmy fell off the porch step and split his nose open. Woohoo, good times.

I'm not saying kids should be constantly entertained, but I am saying that a 5 day trip is a LOOOOOOOOONG time. An afternoon, sure, make her go and tell her to suck it up. 5 days, however, and there's got to be more to the gameplan than just "bring a gameboy and shut up".

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My hubby has known before we were married that I do not sit at relatives houses and be bored.

I have done better over the years to entertain myself--and that includes if necessary, getting in a car and driving somewhere to do something.

Visits for me never have been and never should be--sitting in someones house for 12 hours or more for 5 days straight and not doing diddly.

I'm not saying be entertained 100% of the time..but please...60 hours of not doing squat..and saying she should be made to go but it is her choice to be bored?

PLEASE!

She could read 10 novels in that time...but she can also do that at home. So why is her presence necessary so that her grandparents can witness this event? If it is all about family--why is it being suggested she read a book if she is so bored?

 

[Christine]

You make it sound like they're all sitting around talking about historical events of national importance, or doing geneological research...when in reality, they're probably talking about the time Jimmy fell off the porch step and split his nose open. Woohoo, good times.

I'm not saying kids should be constantly entertained, but I am saying that a 5 day trip is a LOOOOOOOOONG time. An afternoon, sure, make her go and tell her to suck it up. 5 days, however, and there's got to be more to the gameplan than just "bring a gameboy and shut up".

That's pretty much it. My DD wouldn't play a Gameboy anyway. She had one when she was 11 and, at 15, she's over it. I'd have to "buy" her one for her to have one. She'd definitely take a book, but 5 days?

Basically, the plan is to sit around some, go out on the uncle's boat some (the boat seats 4 people and there will be way more than 4 people there so they will all be taking turns). They may do some fishing. Then they will all sit around again, stare at the 2 year old, watch him do his cute things, sit around some, go out on the boat. You get the picture.

I'm actually very, very surprised that they aren't having this outing at my IL's house. As I said, the IL's live about 1 hour from Ocean City, MD and they can make a day of it here and there, go to boardwalk, rides, etc. The IL's also have a small boat and can go fishing etc. Also, everyone can fit inside the IL's house and no one has to get a hotel. My BIL lives in base housing so not everyone can fit.

 

[darrose]

Sounds like she would have had some boating (outdoor time) so are you assuming that all her time would have been inside reading guideposts because thats what you did as a teenager at your grandparents house?
Who knows what else she might have done to help her figure out how to not be bored at the relatives. Maybe she would have baked a cake, prepared some old fashion lemonade, made a materpiece with Jello.
However, its a moot point now because the dad isnt open to the idea of her going now.

 

[Stephanie218]

I definately wouldn't make her go. At 20, I couldn't imagine sitting with relatives for 5 days!!! If its important to your husband, he can go. 5 days would definately be too much family time for me.

 

[SadieDog]

:
FWIW, my MIL and FIL and their 125 lb Newfoundland are always welcome at my home at any time. I can have them there and still get my "chores" done. I have even encourage MIL to come because we live right next to Potomac Mills. Now, not to get into another type of thread but this can go in reverse. My DD is big into drama and has been in a few shows. They've never wanted to come for any of these things. I understand too. It's a long drive and everyone is busy. But don't pull that crap on me when I don't pull it on you, KWIM? They are retired, they have a lot more flexibility.

I think I understand more now. Your in-laws and their dog are more then welcome at your house and have never bothered to go out of their way to see their granddaughter in a drama show? That is sad. (I'm going with the assumption that they are in good health) I would let her stay home for this trip as long as she understands that she will be visiting the next time, when she can also spend time with her cousins.

Maybe your husband is forgeting how difficult it may be for him. I too have a daughter turning 15 and an 11 year old son. The bickering and picking on each other can be horrible and drive everyone crazy. Her grouchy mood will not make it any easier either. My husband is the same way in he finds it too much to deal with both kids for an extended period. I understand that your husband wants his kids to go and enjoy his family as much as he does, but in reality he would have a more pleasant trip if he makes this one father and son.

 

[Maleficent13]

Sounds like she would have had some boating (outdoor time) so are you assuming that all her time would have been inside reading guideposts because thats what you did as a teenager at your grandparents house?
Who knows what else she might have done to help her figure out how to not be bored at the relatives. Maybe she would have baked a cake, prepared some old fashion lemonade, made a materpiece with Jello.

Take every suggestion everyone has made about how to fill her time, and it would take up about one day, not 5. Also, Lisa Loves Pooh put it well:

She could read 10 novels in that time...but she can also do that at home. So why is her presence necessary so that her grandparents can witness this event? If it is all about family--why is it being suggested she read a book if she is so bored?

All I'm saying is that the DD has been there before...she knows what it's like. If it was a fun, cool place to visit, then she'd want to go. I'm not disparaging the importance of family...I'm just saying that *ALL* family is important...including a 15 yo. I know teenagers aren't all sunshine and joy, but I really feel like sometimes we dismiss their valid feelings, etc by saying, "Oh, they're just a teen...they're just moody anyway." Again, if we were talking about a 4-5 hour single afternoon visit, then I wouldn't even be posting on this thread.