Teens Visiting Family--Update Post #111

[georgina]

I also think DD should go - you never said how often she actually does see them. I don't think 5 days out of her life is that much of a hardship. Get her some books, gameboy or whatever to help with the time, but she definitely should go. As a child, I also hated those sitting around visiting trips to the grandparents - but we only saw them once or twice a year, and now with my last grandmother having just passed last year, as an adult I thank god my parents made me go b/c I have those memories - in fact, I'm getting teary eyed thinking about it.

She should go!

I agree. I never met any of my grandparents, and always make my kids go a few times of year to see theirs. In the OP, it sounded like they only see them a few times a year, and that they could see the uncle more often this summer. I wouldn't care about the uncle so much, but I think grandparents should be seen. Good time for her to catch up on some reading.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Ok you said that your in laws live an hour away but previously you said 4 hours to visit his family---If the inlaws only live 1 hr away why don't you go with your DH when he visits?===Now I understand that his brother lives 4 hours away but you stated his family not just his brother and that was your reason for not visiting.
When your DH told you he was upset over having to explain over and over about your absence to his family you told him that it was "HIS PROBLEM"??WTH is that???
So according to your previous post whenever DH makes the 1hr trip to his parents he usually only brings 1 kid with him and this trip to his brothers will be the first time in quite a while that both will make the trip together then why argue about DD going. If all the family will be there then this is the first time in a long time that they will have seen both kids at the same time!!
You also said your own mom disliked the "obligation" to family which you yourself picked up on and use at your will to avoid your DHs family and now seems like you are passing this on to another generation---It is ok if you don't like your Dhs family but they are important to him so you should try to make some concessions in visiting them BUT to pass on your dislike and allow your daughter to openly snub your DH and his family is wrong!
If I was your DH I would be whizzed(as you put it)also--This is not a problem with DH and DD, this is a problem with you and DH and your inability to share in what he enjoys and the fact you feel no remorse of having your DD see this time after time and picking up on your habits---I kinda feel like you are happy to have an ally in your dislike which is why you feel like it is ok to blow off your husband and let your DD have a party.

 

[Christine]

Ok you said that your in laws live an hour away but previously you said 4 hours to visit his family---If the inlaws only live 1 hr away why don't you go with your DH when he visits?===Now I understand that his brother lives 4 hours away but you stated his family not just his brother and that was your reason for not visiting.

Sorry, when I re-read my post I realized it was confusing. My in-laws live 4 hours away, but they live near a beach (the beach is about an hour away from the in-laws home). The only reason that I mentioned the beach is that being near one sometimes allows some fun while there.

When your DH told you he was upset over having to explain over and over about your absence to his family you told him that it was "HIS PROBLEM"??WTH is that???

I told him that I had personally worked the issues out with his mother, that we were straight on it, and if he feels embarrassed/ashamed/angry by me not going to his in-laws that he was going to have to learn to deal with that. As I said, I work *more* than a full-time job, I have a hellish commute, and I don't want to spend my weekends sitting at my in-laws house. It is just that simple. If he feels ashamed of me over that, then he is going to have to learn to deal with that because I cannot make myself more well-rested, less busy, and less stressed to be able to do these things.

So according to your previous post whenever DH makes the 1hr trip to his parents he usually only brings 1 kid with him and this trip to his brothers will be the first time in quite a while that both will make the trip together then why argue about DD going. If all the family will be there then this is the first time in a long time that they will have seen both kids at the same time!!
You also said your own mom disliked the "obligation" to family which you yourself picked up on and use at your will to avoid your DHs family and now seems like you are passing this on to another generation---It is ok if you don't like your Dhs family but they are important to him so you should try to make some concessions in visiting them BUT to pass on your dislike and allow your daughter to openly snub your DH and his family is wrong!
If I was your DH I would be whizzed(as you put it)also--This is not a problem with DH and DD, this is a problem with you and DH and your inability to share in what he enjoys and the fact you feel no remorse of having your DD see this time after time and picking up on your habits---I kinda feel like you are happy to have an ally in your dislike which is why you feel like it is ok to blow off your husband and let your DD have a party.

Wow. Judgemental much?

I like my in-laws, they are wonderful people and very kind. But I do not like to spend all my vacation and free time with them. This has a long history that I do not even expect you to understand. When they did live close by, they wanted us over EVERY Sunday for dinner. I went some Sundays but not all. MIL would get upset. And we would spend about 5-6 hours there for dinner. Not a big deal because we didn't have kids then. But, eventually, I did have to put my foot down. They moved 9 hours away after that and wanted us to come down for every vacation. Got upset if we went to Disney but not to see them. Get where I'm going? It's all or nothing with them.

And just to defend myself, my MIL invited us to the beach with them one year which I was GLAD to do. I love the beach. We drove 11 hours to Hilton Head. SIL and her kids were also there. It all was going well. Then SIL, for some reason, decides to get snarky--really bad--with everyone. I ask MIL what is wrong. She says that SIL often gets PMS. Okayyyyyy... so I just give her, her space. A few days later (we are 4 days into the trip) MIL decides she "doesn't like the condo" and wants to leave, cutting our weeklong beach trip off just like that. We had to pack up and leave the next day as it was her condo she rented. ***??? I'm still scratching my head over that one. I was having a good time, despite SIL's PMS.

Oh and "subject" BIL, the one they will be visiting? He was a teen then and couldn't be bothered to come on the trip!!! Thank you for letting me remember that.

I also informed my DH this weekend that I would love to vacation with his family. I would, god forbid, do the beach house thing again or I would love to do a family thing at Disney World. Guess what? They don't want to do it. They like entertaining at home.

So, if I sound as if I haven't given or I hate my in-laws, you're incorrect. But I know it is hard to get the full story on a thread.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

"""Wow. Judgemental much?"""

I don't believe I was being judgmental---I just took what you had posted previously and put it al in one spot! Now I may have been just a little judgmetal in saying you may be glad to have an ally in your feeling about the in laws but everything else was from you!


"""And just to defend myself, my MIL invited us to the beach with them one year which I was GLAD to do. I love the beach. We drove 11 hours to Hilton Head. SIL and her kids were also there. It all was going well"""



So if it something you would enjoy doing without the family it is ok to go with the family but if it is something your DH enjoys and you don't then you don't go?




"""I also informed my DH this weekend that I would love to vacation with his family. I would, god forbid, do the beach house thing again or I would love to do a family thing at Disney World. Guess what? They don't want to do it. They like entertaining at home."""


But this goes back to your earlier post when your DH said that he didn't want to only have family time when it was "entertaining" but to also have some down time to just hang out and do nothing.----I think by offering to go to WDW or to the beach or other fun areas with his family just makes it hit home to him even more that you don't want to be around his family and you're only willing to go places where you don't have to have constant one on one with them-----What I get is----"I'm willing to go to WDW with your family because I can wake up early,leave the hotel and hit the parks before they wake up and not have to see them till I get back and it's time for bed"

I know if my DH was like you were in regards to my family I would be upset also---They are a part of me for better or for worse! And I would be truly upset with my DH if after years of avoiding my family, any of my kids picked up on his attitude about it and he just said "OK" like it wasn't a big deal! To me that's the equivalant of saying "Yeah I think they bite to so don't worry about how mom feels-How about I throw you a party for it!"


"""So, if I sound as if I haven't given or I hate my in-laws, you're incorrect. But I know it is hard to get the full story on a thread"""

Trust me when I say I know how hard it is to explain a full story on a thread but as far as this thread goes you have pretty well gotten out how you feel about his family and that is what the issue of contention is--Not whether you go or not---By this time your DH is used to how you feel but to now have his own child mirroring your stand is upsetting especially given his close relationship to his side of the family!

 

[Christine]

So if it something you would enjoy doing without the family it is ok to go with the family but if it is something your DH enjoys and you don't then you don't go?

Yes. I get 3 weeks of annual leave a year. Most of that is used carting kids to the doctor. When I use my annual leave it will be on a true vacation where there is a beach, amusement park, sightseeing, or the like. My vacation days will not be spent sitting around the house watching my nephews play X-Box for 4 hours because they are bored (this happened too).

"""I also informed my DH this weekend that I would love to vacation with his family. I would, god forbid, do the beach house thing again or I would love to do a family thing at Disney World. Guess what? They don't want to do it. They like entertaining at home."""


But this goes back to your earlier post when your DH said that he didn't want to only have family time when it was "entertaining" but to also have some down time to just hang out and do nothing.----I think by offering to go to WDW or to the beach or other fun areas with his family just makes it hit home to him even more that you don't want to be around his family and you're only willing to go places where you don't have to have constant one on one with them-----What I get is----"I'm willing to go to WDW with your family because I can wake up early,leave the hotel and hit the parks before they wake up and not have to see them till I get back and it's time for bed"

You know, you're really reading way too much into it. My husband did not say that he wanted to have a downtime vacation. What he said was that it was "tough if my DD was bored on vacation--a vacation doesn't have to be entertaining." I disagree with that. As far as "not wanting to be around his family". I don't want to be "one on one" with ANYONE for 5 days. And if we went to Disney or to the beach I would be with them all day. I've gone with my parents 3 times and I've also gone with my neighbors and my cousin and her family. We all left the hotel together, had breakfast together, toured the parks together, had dinner together, and swam together back at the hotel in the evening. That's what I would do with his family. The whole POINT of going with them would be to take them around, experience all the rides with them. My kids would enjoy doing the parks with their cousins., etc. So how you dream this stuff up of me avoiding them is incredible. You're looking to pick aren't you?

I know if my DH was like you were in regards to my family I would be upset also---They are a part of me for better or for worse! And I would be truly upset with my DH if after years of avoiding my family, any of my kids picked up on his attitude about it and he just said "OK" like it wasn't a big deal! To me that's the equivalant of saying "Yeah I think they bite to so don't worry about how mom feels-How about I throw you a party for it!"


"""So, if I sound as if I haven't given or I hate my in-laws, you're incorrect. But I know it is hard to get the full story on a thread"""

Trust me when I say I know how hard it is to explain a full story on a thread but as far as this thread goes you have pretty well gotten out how you feel about his family and that is what the issue of contention is--Not whether you go or not---By this time your DH is used to how you feel but to now have his own child mirroring your stand is upsetting especially given his close relationship to his side of the family!

As for the rest of this, all I can say is that your imagination is pretty amazing. You couldn't be more off base.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

if you all aren't going, I don't see any reason to make her go.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

If it meant that much to my DH, I would encourage DD to go. Sometimes even teenagers need to realize the world does not revolve around them. I understand that you want to have some fun on your vacations though. It would probably make DH feel great if you visited his family once in awhile though.
It seems like he has accepted that you don't want to be around his family, but does not want to have the same thing happen with his kids. It sounds like his family is very important to him and he wants everyone to stay close.
I would not feel good about letting DH visit his family by himself all of the time. That would be kind of sad. Your DH's family sounds just like mine and my DH's. We are all really close. Hopefully your kids and their spouses will want to visit you when they get older and not feel like it is a burden.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Obviously you don't get it!!! I am not the only on on this thread who has told you that you and your DH has a problem but if it isn't something you want to hear you add more to the story!

You asked if I was looking to pick--No I am not---You posted all the info I just responded using the info you put out there!

Just like these:
You posted you didn't *know* DH felt strongly about it---But then post how you've argued about just this thing when he tells you about having "to make excuses for years" and you told him it was his problem----As for your "talk" with his mom at the beginning of your marriage she probably wasn't thinking that that excuse was supposed to last 15 years!

You yourself said "DD is becoming more and more like me" in reference to your not liking to visit DHs family.



You tell me I'm "way off base" and have an "amazing imagination" when I made comments on your previous posts but then you blow that to bits by posting that very first "yes" when asked about your needs versus DHs and basically said that it doesn't matter what your DH wants or feels because you're the only one who matters

You are the one who brought up the whole in-law avoidance issue with your post about working "more" than full time and your hellish commute(on another thread you said your commute was 1hr 20mins including a side trip to corporate) so don't try to make it sound like I pulled it out of my butt!

You said "It all comes down to whose needs TRUMP anothers needs" so if you think your 15yo *needs* to spend more time sitting at home then by all means let her but if your DH *needs* to have his family with him then it is up to you to decide which one's *needs* outweigh the other

I truly hope you can see what you've been doing all these years to your DH in regards to his family and can come up with some sort of compromise because that is a part of marriage-It shouldn't be all about one with the others wants,needs and feelings left by the side of the road--Making a 4 hour trip a couple of times a year is not a lot to ask IMO--neither is having to sit in the in-laws house for 5 hours---Let DH drive,take a nap on the way,bring a book since you like to read but let DH know that what is important to him IS important to you!

 

[RadioFanatic]

all I have to say is that you asked for our opinion, but then didn't like it when we didn't agree with you.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

I'm getting lost- are you working on the weekend or are you sitting home b/c you work so much during the week?

My opinion - while I completely understand how you might not WANT to go...did you discuss that first with your DH or did you just make the decision? And why didn't you tell DD that you would discuss her issues with DH. Do you make the deicisons or is it a joint decision family? While it might not seem like much to allow her to stay home with you, you are creating a wedge in the family...the in-laws vs. your family. Sometimes we have to do things we don't find totally enoyable....but family is too important.

 

[Christine]

Obviously you don't get it!!! I am not the only on on this thread who has told you that you and your DH has a problem but if it isn't something you want to hear you add more to the story!

You asked if I was looking to pick--No I am not---You posted all the info I just responded using the info you put out there!

Just like these:
You posted you didn't *know* DH felt strongly about it---But then post how you've argued about just this thing when he tells you about having "to make excuses for years" and you told him it was his problem----As for your "talk" with his mom at the beginning of your marriage she probably wasn't thinking that that excuse was supposed to last 15 years!

You yourself said "DD is becoming more and more like me" in reference to your not liking to visit DHs family.



You tell me I'm "way off base" and have an "amazing imagination" when I made comments on your previous posts but then you blow that to bits by posting that very first "yes" when asked about your needs versus DHs and basically said that it doesn't matter what your DH wants or feels because you're the only one who matters

You are the one who brought up the whole in-law avoidance issue with your post about working "more" than full time and your hellish commute(on another thread you said your commute was 1hr 20mins including a side trip to corporate) so don't try to make it sound like I pulled it out of my butt!

You said "It all comes down to whose needs TRUMP anothers needs" so if you think your 15yo *needs* to spend more time sitting at home then by all means let her but if your DH *needs* to have his family with him then it is up to you to decide which one's *needs* outweigh the other

I truly hope you can see what you've been doing all these years to your DH in regards to his family and can come up with some sort of compromise because that is a part of marriage-It shouldn't be all about one with the others wants,needs and feelings left by the side of the road--Making a 4 hour trip a couple of times a year is not a lot to ask IMO--neither is having to sit in the in-laws house for 5 hours---Let DH drive,take a nap on the way,bring a book since you like to read but let DH know that what is important to him IS important to you!

I do visit his family. I see his parents at least 3 times a year. I do not go on all the trips.

And this is where I'm going to go back into you making things up. Yes, I said I had a conversation with his mother about not visiting as often. You assumed that I had this conversation at the beginning of the marriage and that his mother never expected that the 'excuse' would go on for 15 years. First off, I've been married 23 years. For many of those years, prior to children and my job I visited his parents as often as my husband did. It has been in the last 10 years that I have curtailed *my* visiting. The conversation that I had with my MIL occurred about 2 years ago when they moved from 9 hours away to 4 hours away. I guess my MIL thought I would be showing up once a month. Well, I am not and I told her exactly why.

As for a hellish commute, it took me 1 hour and 20 minutes leaving my house at 5:40 a.m. Normally it takes me 40 minutes if I leave at this time. THIS IS MY SUMMER SCHEDULE. My kids are out of school and I don't have anywhere to take them in the morning so I leave and it is easier during this time of year. During the other times of year, I don't leave my house until 6:10 and EVERYDAY I sit in an hour and 30 minutes of traffic. If you don't consider that hellish than what can I say. It's the same on the way home. And no, my DH doesn't have this commute at all, nor can he help out with the kids.

I am aware that you were not the only one who pointed out that there is a bigger issue with my DH and I. Mystery Machine also pointed it out. I agreed and I'm not disagreeing with you on that part at all.

What I am disagreeing with is your attempt to twist this story to make it work for some point you are trying to drive home.

You do not know my IL's or any of the *bad* things they have may have done. You seemed to have conveniently skipped the part of my MIL cutting short everyone's vacation on a whim. I mean, that would make *most* people leary of committing to another vacation. But I gues that's okay with you if she exhibits bad behavior and is negative towards her family. You also don't know the first thing about my DH and his part in any of this. All you "know" is me and my attitude about it. Remember, it takes a few people to create a kind of dynamic like this and I am not the evil, battle-axed, domineering wife who is being dictatorial and selfish.

My question was that should teenagers be able to opt out of a family visit. I think they should once in awhile; hence, I didn't think it was problem to tell my DD it was okay. My husband disagrees, you disagree, Hannathy disagrees, but the majority of people thought it was okay. There is no right or wrong. I just wanted to make sure that I was not way off base and I found out that I am not. Some people think it's okay, some don't.

I have read everyone's opinion on this thread and appreciated all of them. Even yours. What I didn't appreciate was your Dr. Phil armchair assessment of an in-law relationship in which you put your own twist on. As I pointed out above, you took the ONE example of my conversation with my MIL, assumed it took place at the beginning of my marriage, and conjured up what my MIL must be thinking 15 years later.

I also never said my DH's needs didn't matter. They do and I do visit his family and I also have them to my home. They were here for Christmas, and several times in between. I go out to their house once a year. What I was trying to get across what that, believe it or not, I have needs too. Without bashing my DH, I have 80% responsibility for my children. I do all the doctor visits, carting to school, worrying which school my DD needs to be in next year, dealing with the school, dealing with my son's health issues. On and on and on. Not trying to be a hero here but just pointing out that my DH has no problem letting me do all these things. Some he could do, some are not his fault. I also work longer hours than he does and I have a part time job that takes up two of my Saturday's each month--which, by the way, he is VERY happy to have me do so he can pay for his hobbies. On top of that, I have many health issues, including being a thyroid cancer survivor. I spend a LOT of time at the doctor myself. Two years ago I had breast surgery two days before Thanksgiving. We were supposed to go to MILs for dinner (4 hours away). The day before we were to leave, my breasts were still throbbing and I had a fever from the surgery and had to get back into the surgeon for a check. I had to bow out of going to Thanksgiving. DH was *mad* about this.

So believe me, it's just not all about selfish me, okay.

 

[Christine]

all I have to say is that you asked for our opinion, but then didn't like it when we didn't agree with you.

Actually, that's not true. I valued all opinions including those that disagreed with me. In fact, that's what I was looking for--how many people disagreed. Because, honestly, I think it's okay to bow out of a family trip/obligation *here and there*. What I didn't appreciate was the one poster's twisting of my family dynamic.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I would make my DD go with her father. I would never take the children away from "his family" time. It would also be a great time for them to bond more.

Lori

 

[Christine]

I'm getting lost- are you working on the weekend or are you sitting home b/c you work so much during the week?

My opinion - while I completely understand how you might not WANT to go...did you discuss that first with your DH or did you just make the decision? And why didn't you tell DD that you would discuss her issues with DH. Do you make the deicisons or is it a joint decision family? While it might not seem like much to allow her to stay home with you, you are creating a wedge in the family...the in-laws vs. your family. Sometimes we have to do things we don't find totally enoyable....but family is too important.

Karen,

Basically I stay home on the weekend because I am exhausted. I have mounds of laundry to do, the grocery shopping, etc. The only time this stuff happens is on Saturday and Sunday. If I don't stay home and do it, it doesn't get done. Yes, I can skip it occasionally, but I will pay for it the next week. I do work every other Saturday for a few hours doing payroll and bookkeeping. I can only do it on a Saturday or a Sunday.

As for the discussion with my DD, it came out of nowhere so I didn't really have it all planned out. We were in the car driving around somewhere, DD says to me that she really doesn't want to go on this particular trip and laid out her reasons. Some of them were valid. I just said "well, you don't have to go if you don't want, I will be home." Never in a million years did I think my DH would care. As I said, he has left her home once before. Heck, he's even given her the option of not going before when he really didn't want to take both kids. So I had no idea, no forewarning, no inkling that this was even going to be an issue. In fact, I thought he might be a bit happy to only take one of them. I was just shocked when I found out he felt differently.

Of course, now that I know this, I will always handle future situations differently and be more aware that this was an issue. But, I'm telling you--at that moment in the car, I had no idea and neither did my DD. She was kind of curious about his whole reaction. I would say that it was out of character given the fact that he has been fairly adamant on previous visits that he didn't want to take both kids.

 

[Christine]

I would make my DD go with her father. I would never take the children away from "his family" time. It would also be a great time for them to bond more.

Lori

I have always felt that way too, but I also know teenagers. She is almost 15 and I don't ever want her to feel that visits with her family are drudgery. I guess I was trying to avoid that and just to let her go when she wants to go. I'm a bit concerned that constant pushing might make her even more resentful of going. I could be wrong with that thought, but it's just a thought.

 

[auntpolly]

What I didn't appreciate was the one poster's twisting of my family dynamic.

Didn't you know that we all know your family better than you do!!!

Seriously, in the end, it won't make much difference if she goes or doesn't go, but I'd lay on the guilt real thick (not I would, but I have done that many times).

I reminded my family that grandma and grandpa are getting older and may not be with us much longer and what if they died and we never saw them again. This stuff happens and it's hard for teenagers to fathom it.

I'd remind the kid how much I do for them, how much her dad does for her, and how little we ask in return -- sure, she can do what she wants, but I guess she doesn't care about out feelings.... you get the idea.

I haven't had to pull this often, but I'm telling you, it can be quite effective. Good luck!

 

[noodleknitter]

I have always felt that way too, but I also know teenagers. She is almost 15 and I don't ever want her to feel that visits with her family are drudgery. I guess I was trying to avoid that and just to let her go when she wants to go. I'm a bit concerned that constant pushing might make her even more resentful of going. I could be wrong with that thought, but it's just a thought.

I see your point, but the other side of that is that it doesn't hurt to teach kids that sometimes doing what's best involves self-sacrifice for the people we love. (I don't mean that in an abusive or extreme manner!!!!!) It is easy to fall back on behaving the way that is easiest and most comfortable, but that isn't always the best choice. How many of us would have bugged out, and thus lost out on really special stuff if we only did what we thought we wanted to do?

In the end, it isn't life or death, but an interesting discussion, but you've been around long enough to know that!

 

[Marseeya]

Am I the only one who thinks a once a month trip to visit family 4 hours away is excessive?

My inlaws are 5-6 hours away and I can't even begin to imagine visiting them that often!

 

[auntpolly]

Am I the only one who thinks a once a month trip to visit family 4 hours away is excessive?

My inlaws are 5-6 hours away and I can't even begin to imagine visiting them that often!

I don't know if I'd say excessive, but I would say not necessary, if everyone isn't into it, especially. Nothing like forcing people to spend lots of time with people to make them resent them!

 

[pyrxtc]

sorry, but I would tell ehr that her Dad would really like her to be there and she has to go. Sometimes you gotta spend time with family. Do you want her to be like you? Sometimes those stories are the best memorieswe ahve in our life.