Teens Visiting Family--Update Post #111

[SC Minnie]

I *think* he believes that people shouldn't have to be constantly entertained (like at Disney). That visiting with family and just hanging out is enjoyable.

Again, I told him that I respect him for feeling that way. I don't judge him on that. But he needs to recognize and not judge those that don't *dig* a family vacation also. BOTH feelings are valid.

I had to explain to DH a couple of years ago that trips to see family were not a 'vacation' but an 'obligation'. He tried to say that a trip to see his sister for a week was our vacation for the year. Yeah, right. What ever he was smoking must have been some good stuff.

When DH gets around his brothers and sisters they sit around and talk too. After a day of this I am going stir crazy. So I understand where you and your daughter are coming from. I agree with the other posters to talk to him and see of he will plan some other things for the kids to do while they are there.

 

[KirstenB]

I *think* he believes that people shouldn't have to be constantly entertained (like at Disney). That visiting with family and just hanging out is enjoyable.

Again, I told him that I respect him for feeling that way. I don't judge him on that. But he needs to recognize and not judge those that don't *dig* a family vacation also. BOTH feelings are valid.

I understand what he's saying. We're probably not that far off in age. For us, all vacations were spent visiting older relatives. We didn't have choices like WDW, the beach, whatever. But I also remember being in my teens and refusing to go on these vacations. My parents would let me stay at home. I'm sure they felt they didn't want to be around a grouchy teenager.

Times are different now. We're all busier, and used to a more fast paced lifestyle. For some people, the family vacation is relaxing because it's a slower pace. For some of us, it just makes us crazy BECAUSE it's slow. Anyway, as I said, if he makes her go, he really does bear some responsibility for taking her to the movies, pool, whatever.

 

[barkley]

if he enjoys seeing his family, and you've not been one to join in (are you this way with your side of the family?) perhaps in the back of his mind there is the concern that once the kids are adult, move on to their own lives and CAN make their own decisions they will choose not to visit both of you. he may harbour worries that ds will marry someone who is unwilling to facilitate visits that are'nt easily convenient, and if dd is begining to show your tendancies-that she will make no effort.

it will feel very different when you are in the place of the relatives that long to see their children/spouses/grandkids.

my bil has always had a very close relationship with his boys, but you could tell at the very few extended family get-togethers (on his side of the family) that he was not thrilled to be there, basicly when the kids were little the only time gma/gpa got to see them was if they traveled to one of their school events or they were needed as babysitters (they spent more time with-but not much, his dw's family). bil is now having a very hard time adjusting to the fact that his boys, one about to be married, one very involved with a young lady are spending ALL their time with those young women and their families. he is confused why the "kids" are not taking time from their lives to come for dinners, visits, to spend every holiday. he fails to see that this is the way his kids were raised-that "immediate family" is where you spend your time, that once you reach adulthood-your parents and sibs are not much more than those you send a holiday card to (if that), but certainly not people you would consider "wasting" time to go see.

i don't feel that spending time with a family member should be done out of a sense of obligation, but there are times when we put others needs and desires first-if the grandparents, uncles/aunts want to see us or our kids we make an effort, and our kids know it won't nesc. be the most fun (they are the ONLY grandCHILDREN-all the rest are adults, so no chance of cousins to play with)-but they know these people love them and the little opportunity we get to spend time together is special to them.

 

[Christine]

if he enjoys seeing his family, and you've not been one to join in (are you this way with your side of the family?)

My parents live down the road from me. My extended family is within 2 hours of me. I see them about once a year, twice if someone's getting married! We all know what everyone is up to, but don't do family outings. As someone else said, we all seem to be so busy going in different directions that there's just not time to have get togethers.

I don't know how I would be if they were all very far away. In an earlier post, I did live away from my parents for about 10 years. At that time, I saw them once a year (I was very far away).

 

[Skatermom23]

If your DD doesn't have a reason to not go then I say she should attend. I guess I am in the minority here. I also have a 13 and 15 year old so I understand how miserable they can make things. On the other hand, It is my job to teach them that they can't be entertained all the time and sometimes you just have to do it. I would not be happy with DD sitting home alone on the computer all day while I was at work. I also know that generally while the teens moan about going places, they usually snap out of it once they get there and find something to occupy them.

 

[Keli]

I think family ties are very, very important. I would have made my dd go.

I would do my best to encourage dh to help her enjoy the trip but I would have made her go regardless.

 

[shortbun]

I'm with you on your daughter not going. I do understand that your husband probably thinks you should have worked that out prior to telling her she didn't have to go. However, it should not be a HUGE issue and an apology should suffice. Your husband has a teenage daughter now and needs to be more understanding of her, her moods and her needs. By the time I was 15, i had jobs every summer and never went on family vacations. Relatives wanted to see me, they came to visit us. lol! Sounds horrible doesn't it but really, she should be allowed to decline since you will be home. The atmosphere at Grandma's house sound totally boring for her. Is your husband willing to make some changes, plan some fun things and keep the sitting around to a minimum? I doubt he'll make concessions for her if she goes so she should stay home.

 

[minkydog]

I"m with you on this--let the teen DD stay home. We tried to make our DS go to every campout, vacation trip, and visit to relatives and it was a disaster. Yes, sometimes they have to just "suck it up" but not every single time. A 15yo has a lot more going on than parents realize, even if it looks to us like they're just wasting time. Their lives are important and allowing them to choose whether to go on vacation gives them a measure of autonomy they need to master before they leave home for good. I would probably not leave a 15yo home alone for a week, but since you're going tobe there, why not make it something special--a Girls Only weekend?

Incidentally, DS19 has come around now. For years he didn't want to go anywhere with us, but recently he asked to go to Grandma's(400 miles in the car) and he went camping with us not long ago. He's planning to go to WDW with us in November. Of course, the fact that we pay his way may have something to do with it, but I think it's more about him having the ablity to say yes or no to going. When he had no choice he didn't want to go no matter what. We couldn't have paid him to go! Now he gets a little bent if we don't invite him.

Ugh...I have a 13yo who is starting this stuff now

 

[RadioFanatic]

I also think DD should go - you never said how often she actually does see them. I don't think 5 days out of her life is that much of a hardship. Get her some books, gameboy or whatever to help with the time, but she definitely should go. As a child, I also hated those sitting around visiting trips to the grandparents - but we only saw them once or twice a year, and now with my last grandmother having just passed last year, as an adult I thank god my parents made me go b/c I have those memories - in fact, I'm getting teary eyed thinking about it.

She should go!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I also think DD should go - you never said how often she actually does see them. I don't think 5 days out of her life is that much of a hardship. .

She should go!

OP posted:

I should add that DH's brother was in Iraq for 9 months and we haven't seen him since he's been back so this is part of the issue. However, there will be two or three other opportunities for her to see him (her uncle) this summer.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Yes while the OP said there will be 2 or 3 more opportunities to see the uncle doesn't mean her DD will go--If she doesn't go this time then she will be thinking of how to get out of those as well!

Obviously family means a lot to her DH as evidenced by the comment the OP made about his side of the family traveling a lot to see each other throughout the year and he wants to continue with that with his own family unluckily for him OP doesn't see that---I think what is important to our spouse needs to be important to us as well and if he wants DD to go then DD should go---He has a wife who doesn't share his love of family get togethers and now his DD is headed down the same path----You can only come up with so many excuses as to why someone isn't there before the family figures it out and he probably used them all up with the OP!

She is 15 and while she may have a life of her own that involves friends---FAMILY is the most important---(And if her friends don't understand that then they aren't the type of friends she deserves to have)

So what if she is bored off her gourd? Would you tell her when school gets boring she doesn't have to go? All of us get bored with different things but we don't just blow it off(meetings at work,doctors appts) If she didn't have PRIOR engagaments she should go--Just because isn't a valid reason to not do something

DH had every right to be mad about the situation and IMO wasn't being "childish" as another poster put it---For all the posters who believe she shouldn't have to go....Think of something that truly means a lot to you(graduating school,won an award,whatever) NOW imagine your spouse and child saying "You know what,bump you AND what makes you happy because I want NOTHING to do with it"-------How would you feel?

 

[sue1013]

While I agree family realtionships are important I would not make your daughter go if all they do is sit around the house. I always made my kids when they were teens go visit grandparents they do it on their own now. But not for 5 days. That's too long for me forget a teen. Doesn't the family get bored sitting around for 5 days? When my grandparents retired to Florida we make plans to do things together when we visited. When they would come visit us they wouldn't want to do anything but sit in the house. Guess which visits I have the good memories of? Certainly not sitting on the couch for days.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

While I agree family realtionships are important I would not make your daughter go if all they do is sit around the house.

OP said her DD would be at home while she was at work!

Not quite sure what would be the difference between sitting around at home and sitting around at GMoms

 

[noodleknitter]

I think that kids need to be encouraged to stretch out of their comfort zone. If that means listening to grandma's memories, so be it.

 

[lulugirl]

I would let her stay home. I think 15 is old enough to have some input on these matters.
I would make it clear to her that she can't back out of every family trip.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

LULUGIRL I love that pick of your cat!!--I looks like he is dive bombing you for a hug!!

 

[rigs32]

It also sounds like DD, as the oldest child, will be serving as babysitter to the 2 yr old for the majority of the five days without remuneration, as her brother is probably a little young to do so. So, she gets to work for free, sit around someone else's house, and fight with her brother. I don't see how she's going to learn anything but resentment from being forced to go.

Heck, how many of us choose not to visit certain family members or attend certain events because it's just not worth it to our mental health? It doesn't seem fair to force the girl in this circumstances, especially if she is willing to visit with said relatives in another instance.

 

[lulugirl]

LULUGIRL I love that pick of your cat!!--I looks like he is dive bombing you for a hug!!

Thanks!
A friend sent me that picture...it makes me laugh!

 

[DVC Sadie]

I am of a belief that family is way more important than the wishes of a 15 year old who had no plans other then sitting at home.

There are a lot of things that people don't really want to do but have to do, especially as they get older, whether it's to appease a friend, family member or boss. I think this is a good learning and coping lesson for your DD.

 

[Christine]

Yes while the OP said there will be 2 or 3 more opportunities to see the uncle doesn't mean her DD will go--If she doesn't go this time then she will be thinking of how to get out of those as well!

Obviously family means a lot to her DH as evidenced by the comment the OP made about his side of the family traveling a lot to see each other throughout the year and he wants to continue with that with his own family unluckily for him OP doesn't see that---I think what is important to our spouse needs to be important to us as well and if he wants DD to go then DD should go---He has a wife who doesn't share his love of family get togethers and now his DD is headed down the same path----You can only come up with so many excuses as to why someone isn't there before the family figures it out and he probably used them all up with the OP!

She is 15 and while she may have a life of her own that involves friends---FAMILY is the most important---(And if her friends don't understand that then they aren't the type of friends she deserves to have)

So what if she is bored off her gourd? Would you tell her when school gets boring she doesn't have to go? All of us get bored with different things but we don't just blow it off(meetings at work,doctors appts) If she didn't have PRIOR engagaments she should go--Just because isn't a valid reason to not do something

DH had every right to be mad about the situation and IMO wasn't being "childish" as another poster put it---For all the posters who believe she shouldn't have to go....Think of something that truly means a lot to you(graduating school,won an award,whatever) NOW imagine your spouse and child saying "You know what,bump you AND what makes you happy because I want NOTHING to do with it"-------How would you feel?

I guess it comes down to whose needs TRUMP another's needs. As I tried to state through my posts, this is not the only trip that will be made. The in-laws live near a beach (about an hour away). Whenever anyone of my DH's siblings comes to visit their parents, DH hops in the car and goes to visit also. This turns out to be 3-4 trips in the summer, a trip at Thanksgiving, and a trip during Easter. Between all that, the in-laws will come to our house twice a year. The BIL, when not in Iraq, is usually at these outings at the in-laws house. These outings last from Friday to Sunday (long weekend). My DD has been on everyone of them in her life except for one (when my husband chose not to take her). My son has been on the fewest visits because he has asthma and is "high maintenance" in that area. So, missing this one trip, really didn't seem like a huge deal. They will probably be going again (to MIL's house, not BIL's house) in another 3 weeks. This time, just over a weekend.

As for my DD sitting around not doing anything because I will be working. It's not that bad. I will be off most of Friday, all of Saturday, all of Sunday. I work a half day on Monday and am off Tuesday. She will be alone for a full day on Wednesday.

I was actually going to encourage her to have a small party at the house over the weekend since pesky brother will be out of town.