Teens Visiting Family--Update Post #111

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I did this yesterday. I told him that I had no idea that he felt so strongly about it and that I was sorry that I "let her off the hook." I just had no clue. I then offered to go have a talk with DD, tell her that it was very important to her father that she go, and then I was going to make her go. He was like "no, forget it, it's too late now."

Hubby is acting as bad as the teenager IMHO.

 

[Christine]

OK, then this is a marriage issue. Your dh resents the fact you don't go as a family. I would put my money on it.

Yeah, he does. That's no mystery. I'm still just shocked that he got whizzed out over this. There have been other trips that she hasn't gone on. The difference is that she never backed out on one after she thought she was going to go.

 

[Maleficent13]

Now that I think and read more, I think that this is between the Dad and the DD...the two of them need to sit down and talk this out (and when I say talk, I mean TALK...not Dad yelling and issuing ultimatums or teen screaming "I hate you you're so unfair!"). OP, you may want to talk to both of them together, apologizing to them both for speaking out of turn, and then tell them this is between them and they'll have to work it out without you in the mix.

 

[Planogirl]

Since he said "that it's too late now", I'd let him sulk and go on without her. He doesn't sound willing to work it out and I have little patience for someone who seems determined to stay in a snit but that's just me.

 

[Christine]

I guess I am the dissenter if she didn't have any real reasons to not go ie-job, sports, summer school, I think she should go. I think she should go see her family, it is important to understand obligation to family. Are you going to be so understanding when as a young adult she doesn't feel like using any of her vacation time to come see you "cause it is boring or etc" As a compromise is there any way she could come home early? maybe Dad could put her on a bus after a few days and you could meet her somewhere? Or even you drive part of the way to get her and your DH drive her back part of the way it really would only tie up an evening. She has a lot of years to do exciting things and this is only 1 week to see her family-how long do her Gr.parents have.

Honestly, I expected more opinions like yours!

I guess it comes from how you are raised. I am an only child so I guess I just don't have the ties that those with siblings do. Oh, I enjoy my cousins and extended family but I guess it's not the same. Also, I come from a very "low pressure" mom. She has never demanded that I spend my vacation time with her. We live near each other now, but for 10 years, we didn't and she was always happy to see me, but if I didn't see her for a few years, she was okay with that too. My mom has also never enjoyed the whole "obligation" thing when it comes to spending vacations with family.

 

[Christine]

Now that I think and read more, I think that this is between the Dad and the DD...the two of them need to sit down and talk this out (and when I say talk, I mean TALK...not Dad yelling and issuing ultimatums or teen screaming "I hate you you're so unfair!"). OP, you may want to talk to both of them together, apologizing to them both for speaking out of turn, and then tell them this is between them and they'll have to work it out without you in the mix.

They tried this yesterday (I was upstairs reading a book). DH tried to broach with DD. I think he offered to shorten the trip. But now DD doesn't want to go at all. Apparently, her real "feelings" are coming out and it turns out that for the last few years she has been bored to tears at these little gatherings.

FWIW, DD has no plans for this time off. There is no big party planned or anything that she's trying to get to. There is no good time to be missed at home if she goes. She just really doesn't want to go. She says she feels like she gets trapped on a couch all day in someone's house.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Honestly, I expected more opinions like yours!

I guess it comes from how you are raised. I am an only child so I guess I just don't have the ties that those with siblings do. Oh, I enjoy my cousins and extended family but I guess it's not the same. Also, I come from a very "low pressure" mom. She has never demanded that I spend my vacation time with her. We live near each other now, but for 10 years, we didn't and she was always happy to see me, but if I didn't see her for a few years, she was okay with that too. My mom has also never enjoyed the whole "obligation" thing when it comes to spending vacations with family.

I enjoyed traveling as a teen--hardly ever mattered where it went.

I only opposed travel to relatives once when it was to my dads (I just got a summer job and without verification of my summer plans for an area we had just moved to before senior year, he booked my airline ticket and it ended up conflicting with my work and my family's summer vacation).

Every other time I have been a willing participant in such travel.

I also don't believe in forcing people to do what they feel uncomfortable doing and invalidating them by making them make a trip that not all family members are going on is just wrong IMHO.

If she wanted to stay home by herself while the rest of the family was going--I would say tough sugar and she'd have to go.

But honestly if you all aren't going--it isn't much of an obligation regardless the circumstance of you not going. That is how your daughter is viewing it.

She should have brought it up with dad--but she didn't. Too late for that now.

Dad needs to get over his hissy fit and discuss it with is daughter like a parent and not a dictator or a two year old.

 

[Planogirl]

I remember afternoons at elderly aunts' houses and how dull that was. Luckily, it was only for a few hours though. If it involved other family, there was usually cousins there for me to hang out with. Won't there be anyone her own age?

These two need to work it out, I agree. It doesn't sound like there's much the OP can do. (Have you thought of bribing the girl? )

 

[jonnyboyca]

well sounds like she's just being a typical teenager... your DH needs to understand that she's not a little child anymore and he should be allowing her to make some of her own decisions.. give her a little more freedom/choice.. he's not seeing it from her point of view at all...

but then again it sounds like this isn't about her not going.. it sounds like something between you and DH.. spoil him.. do something special for him to remind him just how much you care and love him..

~jon

 

[DISUNC]

A few days ago, DD (the almost-15 year old) complained that she really didn't want to go.

I dont blame her...5 days (when you are her age) with a little brother in a hotel room & a well meaning DD & slow Grandma....Is a Eternity for a young Girl!!!

ps! She probably WILL be better off staying home...for All involved!

Good Luck!

 

[Christine]

I remember afternoons at elderly aunts' houses and how dull that was. Luckily, it was only for a few hours though. If it involved other family, there was usually cousins there for me to hang out with. Won't there be anyone her own age?

She does have cousins her age but they won't be on this trip. She loves going when all the cousins will be there. They range from 12-19 and she's right in the middle of it.

This brother that they are going to visit is from my MIL's second marriage. He is only in his 20s (DH is in his 40s). Their son (my DD's cousin) has just turned 2 years old. So it will be her (15), DS (11) and the 2 year old.

 

[jonnyboyca]

like i said before.. i don't think this has anything to do with your DD or the trip... it's something deeper between you and DH..

~jon

 

[Christine]

like i said before.. i don't think this has anything to do with your DD or the trip... it's something deeper between you and DH..

~jon

Well, he is mad that I thought it was okay to tell her she didn't have to go. So, he is mad at me for that.

 

[mtemm]

honestly, my take is that your dh does resent that you don't go, but has accepted that fact, in part, and has figured at least his children went. now one of them doesn't want to go, and my guess is his fear is that eventually he will be taking these trips alone, and that his side of the family just doesn't matter to anyone but him. And that probably hurts a lot.

 

[Christine]

honestly, my take is that your dh does resent that you don't go, but has accepted that fact, in part, and has figured at least his children went. now one of them doesn't want to go, and my guess is his fear is that eventually he will be taking these trips alone, and that his side of the family just doesn't matter to anyone but him. And that probably hurts a lot.

Probably. But what do you do? Do you force the kids to go?

DH loves to go visit his family. He and his sister sit around for hours and talk about all the things that happened when they were younger. Believe me, I've heard the stories over and over. He enjoys this and I don't fault him for that. He has a good shared history with his siblings, including this much younger brother of his. But what do you do when the rest of the family is sitting there listening all day. It's okay for a few hours, but DAYS?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Probably. But what do you do? Do you force the kids to go?

DH loves to go visit his family. He and his sister sit around for hours and talk about all the things that happened when they were younger. Believe me, I've heard the stories over and over. He enjoys this and I don't fault him for that. He has a good shared history with his siblings, including this much younger brother of his. But what do you do when the rest of the family is sitting there listening all day. It's okay for a few hours, but DAYS?

No force if not everyone is going...and if he were honest about his feelings, he may get a daughter who might go b/c she knows how important it is.

Also if he were to help her feel more included and less bored at the destination, that could go a long way.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I have a 15 year old. Spending time with family is not at the top of their list of fun. Yeah, you very often DO have to force them to go.

I'd talk to your daughter and tell her that you made a mistake by telling her she didn't have to go without clearing it with Dad first. Really, he shouldn't have to take the brunt force of all that teen venom on his own here.

Then I'd talk to DH and let him know that he really needs to make some plans for the trip other than sitting in the Living Room talking for the sake of the kids. Tell him to drop them off at a waterpark or the mall a couple of afternoons.....something to acknowledge the fact that they don't find hanging out with the old people all that thrilling. You said this brother is in his 20's? He might have some ideas for a day trip.

And then sit back and realize that it is not up to you to control his relationship with the kids....it is not up to you to stop their bickering when they are under his care....it is not up to you to make everybody happy and content.

 

[Kallison]

I think you should have checked with DH before making that decision. If it is important to him then she should go.

 

[KirstenB]

I don't think she should have to go this time. Heck, it sounds boring to me too, LOL! At that age, if there aren't other cousins going to be there, she's going to be bored. Honestly, that's pretty natural, especially at her age.

If your dh really insists on her going then he needs to step up and come up with some fun stuff to do. Or maybe she could invite a friend along. But that probably opens up a whole different can of worms, because then your son should be able to have a friend along too.

It sounds like he wants them to go on a trip that's fun for him, but he doesn't really plan "kids stuff" that's fun too.

 

[Christine]

I *think* he believes that people shouldn't have to be constantly entertained (like at Disney). That visiting with family and just hanging out is enjoyable.

Again, I told him that I respect him for feeling that way. I don't judge him on that. But he needs to recognize and not judge those that don't *dig* a family vacation also. BOTH feelings are valid.