Teenage pregnancies; need help in my response

[Trinity721]

To the original poster, I believe that your daughter is happy to see that someone can now relate to her. But I think both your daughter and her friend are a bit naive to the fact that her friend having this baby is going to change her life, and is going to miss out on some of the best years of her life. College should not be missed. It's a totally wonderful growing experience.

Which brings me to me, and my own personal story. I am 22, and have a 10 month old beautiful baby girl. I am married, was married with the baby on the way. But it isn't like I slept with some guy I knew and got married. I have been with my now husband for over 6 years now, we were high school sweethearts and have been totally devoted and in love with each other since we met. I would have graduated this spring, had I not taken a semester off to raise my baby with my husband for her first few months. But I have one more semester. So, I have experienced the "college life", and got to party and do all the crazy things you're supposed to do in college. For that, I'm grateful. To miss your college education and the experience of college I think would be a tragedy. I know that I am who I am today because of what I've learned and experience. High school is a totally different world compared to college. I think teenagers should open their eyes and see that there is so much to the world than finding a boyfriend and getting married and having kids. There is so much the world has to offer, and all you have to do is find it.

Luckily, and thank the Lord, that I have been blessed with an amazing husband who is an even more amazing father. He joined the Navy the year before our daughter was born, so he is able to provide for us. We don't get to see him as often as we would like, and sometimes I feel like a single mother raising her away from him (he is in Florida and I am in Chicago). But I know it's best for us and our daughter if I finish my one semester of school, plus one more year of nursing school so that I can give her the best things in life. I am eternally grateful to my parents, who help me out so much while my husband is away. Their support means the world to me.

Yes, our daughter was not planned but she is not unwanted. She is so loved, and my husband and I are thankful for this wonderful blessing. We love being parents. We had always talked about having kids, it just came sooner than we expected. But I wouldn't change my life for anything, I have absolutely no regrets and no doubts. But I look back at my life in high school, and can't even imagine having a child in high school and going through what I've been through then. I was a different person back then. Of course, it's definitely been and many times still is a struggle. But parenthood isn't all fun and games, if that's what these teenagers think. It's not all about a cute little baby, and playing house. To think that is absolutely ridiculous. Parenthood is about having someone's life in your hands, having someone who can't depend on anyone else but you. I would say to teenagers, it's not about bringing a baby into this world to play with and then give it to Mom or Dad when you get tired of it or the baby gets fussy. It takes so much to be a parent, psychologically and financially. You have to take everything inside of you, and be able to give that to someone else.

Claudia, I do agree with your daughter's advice of "tell your parents!" I waited nearly 5 months to tell my parents. I was scared to death. I mean I imagine any teenager would be afraid to tell their parents, but with me it was like 100 times worse because I came from a very strict culture and felt my parents were seriously going to disown me. plus I was the oldest child and only daughter, and my father always hated any boy in the vicinity of his daughter. But thankfully, and surprisingly, they took it really well and were really supportive. It was a very emotional moment. So definitely, TELL THE PARENTS!

This is probably the most therapeutic post I have ever written. I am often afraid of being judged, and I hate the looks people give me when my husband and I are with my daughter (I look younger than my 22 years). I feel mature enough to have been through all that I have been through, but I know I still have a lot of growing to do as a person. I wish teenagers would realize what being ready really means, and how important it is to be able to take on the responsibilities of being a parent, as well as a spouse. Those are two totally different roles, and both take a lot of maturity and effort.

 

[Cindy B]

Yes, it is true many high school in Philly do have onsite daycare... and local colleges have it as well.... the college I go to has a daycare onsite as well.

Here's a story that will make your head turn.. my SIL is a LDR nurse at a major Center City Philly hospital (Pennsylvania Hospital). Her younges patient was 11 years old! Can you imagine 11 years old having a baby!


It is pretty commonplace at the rural area where my parents live. Many young girls have babies, and work in in factories, farms, or the gas station. I remember having an 8th grader in my middle school pregnant.

It is sort of a "status" symbol... they didn't have to go to school got to have homebound instruction, and got welfare checks. some were envious of there situation. Now they are in thier early 30's with preteens. ...

 

[poohandwendy]

Poohandwendy, They see the ones who have babies and make it?..........Do you think you are average, or as I think you got lucky worked very hard, and things worked out in your favor. That doen't happen often.
Don't encourage them, they have a 10% chance to be middle class happy folk.

I meant that they see girls who they 'think'are making it. It is naive, immature, unrealistic reasoning (typical of young minds)

Of course, my DH and I worked very hard to make it work. That is true of ALL marriages that succeed. LUCK?...that rarely has anything to do with long-term success. We also were not still in HS and I think that makes a difference. We were both 19, so we had a 'few' more years of experience than some of the teens discussed here.

Don't encourage whom? If you read my posts, you will see that I would never encourage any young person to have a child before they are financially and emotionally stable, married ADULTS.

Sorry, but once they have decided to keep the child, encouragement is critical. To criticize them does not improve their odds. Once the baby is here, lending a loving hand goes much further than slapping it. I have made it a life misssion to try to reach out to young parents and offer help when I can. I have been there. I do not encourage the situation to happen, I encourage those who are already in it to succeed.

 

[AirForceRocks]

JMO, but I think that part of the "that's great!" reaction comes from the fact that things can seem pretty rosy when one doesn't have to face the consequences of one's actions.

 

[RitaZ.]

My DH's niece became pregnant at the age of 16 by a punk that had gotten several other girls pregnant in their town. From what I understand, the act between them was consensual. My SIL was devastated by this and at the time she was also grieving the death of her husband. It was very difficult for everyone involved. Her DD had the baby and the "father" wanted nothing to do with her or the baby.

She later earned her GED and a few years after that, she started college as one of my SIL's conditions. It didn't last long, she dropped out. She has been married 3 times/divorced 3 times, and the boyfriends just come and go. My SIL supported her DD through it all, yet at 30 yrs. of age her DD can't get her act together.
That child is now 13 yrs. old and doesn't want anything to do with her mother, as mom chooses boyfriends over her. It's really very sad...

My SIL is raising her grand-daughter and financially supporting her DD (I'm not going there!). The odds are really against this poor girl, I pray that she doesn't follow the same path as her mother. Fortunately, my SIL has provided the only stable environment this poor girl has known. In these unfortunate situations, the baby/child is the one that suffers the most.

BTW, I think there isn't anything great about a teenager having a baby. Raising a family is hard work when there is a solid foundation, I can't imagine doing it as a teenager with no support.

 

[LuvTigger]

I don't really have any advice or anything much to add, but just wanted to comment that when I was in high school (I'm 32 now), I knew someone (ironically, she is now BF's SIL) who REALLY wanted to have a baby. She ended up not getting pregnant until her mid-20's, but I know when I was in high school, having a baby was the last thing I wanted! I have noticed since then that there are a LOT of girls out there, of all different backgrounds, who claim they WANT to get pregnant when they are still in their teens.

I really don't understand the thinking, other than them imagining a rosy picture of motherhood without understanding all the repercussions that come along with it. I think the other thing is that there are a lot of situations where the parents of the pregnant girl end up taking care of the baby, and perhaps the girls that want to get pregnant see that and assume their parents would love to have a grandchild and would be more than willing to take care of the baby for them.

 

[kasar]

I have no idea what these girls are thinking (the ones that want to get pregnant). I was scared to death to have my first baby and that was with a great husband, our own home and a little money in the bank. Do they think it's all Baby Gap and Pottery Barn? Where are all the dads in these pictures? The stories that I've read here are heartbreaking for the children. It's wonderful that so many people rise to the occasion and help out these teenagers - I'm not sure what I'd do if it was my daughter. You grandparents who put your own life aside to give these kids stability are true heroes.

 

[snoopy]

I'm with the group who had no pipe dreams of having a baby at a young age. I was on the other side of the spectrum, as a teenager I thought that I might never have children. I do believe this was a direct result of being one of the eldest of 9 children. Taking care of babies was very much a reality to me, I never can remember a time when babies weren't around. I sure didn't want one of my own.

My sister, who was the youngest of 9, was the one who wanted the baby young. Perhaps because she always felt like she was the one everyone was taking care of, she wanted someone to take care of. She married very young, to a guy we all despised, who ended up being mentally abusive to her. Physical abuse was right around the corner, so I sent my husband over to their house with a pickup truck to get her things, and that was the end of that. I thank GOD she did not become pregnant by that guy, how different her life might have been. She is now married to a wonderful guy, and at age 28, just had her first baby.

Claudia, I think the fact that you are requiring your daughter to care for her own baby goes a long way in ensuring she will someday be able to make it on her own. I'm sure this is difficult for you, I can imagine one wants to just take over as a Grandparent in this type of situation.

Good luck to your family, and to all those girls who are looking for guidance.

 

[Claudia1]

Some more great comments!

Trinity721, I really like your description of having someone's life in your hands. Very appropriate but not a common consideration.

Poohandwendy, yes, I agree that encouragement is crucial. I have learned a lot about teenage pregancies and the positive programs available to support them. I have seen the rolling eyes and heard the whispered comments about my DD and would never do that to another.

Thanks to all for being my sounding board and firing back some new ideas and concepts. I hope that I can use them to help somebody in the future.

 

[bsnyder]

I do understand those that say having a baby as a teenager was the furthest thing from their minds. Almost all of my friends were like that.

I think I was in the minority, at least among my friends, in that I was totally baby-crazy, from a very young age, and never grew out of it. I babysat up until the time I had my own first child. And I worked at a kindergarten/day care for years in my late teens/early twenties. While I was happy to have the money, and needed the money, that really wasn't my motivation...it was just fun to me to help take care of little ones.

But I never, ever, considered that I should just HAVE a baby of my own, before I got married and was financially secure enough to raise one. It literally never crossed my mind, as an option.

That's the part of this thread that makes me really, really sad. Claudia, your comments make it sound like there are dozens of girls that your DD knows who are thinking about, or are actually donig this. I hope that's not the case, and it's only a few, even though that's still too many lives that are being put at risk for very bleak futures.

Hang in there, Claudia. I know you have a tough situation to deal with and I hope that it will turn out okay for all concerned.

 

[poohandwendy]

Claudia, your comments make it sound like there are dozens of girls that your DD knows who are thinking about, or are actually donig this. I hope that's not the case, and it's only a few, even though that's still too many lives that are being put at risk for very bleak futures.

I worked in a Planned Parenthood for a while and they may not be large in numbers, these girls really stand out in my mind. A few reasons they gave for wanting a baby:

*I want something of my own
*All of my friends have babies
*I don't want to be 'old' when I have kids...(big rolleyes from me on this one)
*I want to have a part of my BF (or save a dying relationship/hold onto a BF)..so sad- I say get a tattoo...at least you can have it removed when you outgrow this phase
*My school has free daycare, I won't have that when I graduate (can you even believe this one???)
*I love babies
*I don't want to go through another abortion...(argh...)
*He told me he would marry me/we would move in together when we start a family
*I can get out of the house and get assistance if I have a baby


These are true, and so sad. The majority of these girls come from really scary home environments, but some of them...you just wouldn't expect this type of mindset. The biggest problem is that they really don't learn until it is too late and their lives are a total mess. By then, it is next to impossible to get them out of the hole they have dug.

For the ones who get pregnant and the guy is a deadbeat (most likely situation), I think the scenario that seems to work the best is when they stay away from entering any new romantic relationships (by chance or purpose) until they have had work themselves to the bone to 'make it' for a few years. That is what I have seen. I think when they start to realize that they have nothing to gain by complicating their life with yet ANOTHER guy who will undoubtedly 'take' instead of 'give', they start making more sound judgements. They start to respect themselves and expect more. Until that happens, they are usually doomed to repeating te same sad mistakes. These are just my observations, there are exceptions, some do much better than you would ever expect and some do much worse.

 

[bsnyder]

Interesting observations, poohandwendy....

For the ones who get pregnant and the guy is a deadbeat (most likely situation)

Another thought I had, in reading this thread....maybe because I have two sons who are 19 (today!) and almost 18. What about the guys' role in all of this? I would be absolutely devastated if either of my boys ends up treating a girl (and a baby!) in such a careless and irresponsible manner!

 

[Claudia1]

bsnyder, dozens may be too many but there are quite a few.

Every week, the high school custodian finds evidence of an EPT in the restroom trash. Who knows how many have been done at home or have been hidden. DD talks to or hears from girls about a pending or wanted pregnancy 2-3 times per month. Her high school has only 500 students and only one of her conversations has been from somebody not in her high school.

 

[poohandwendy]

What about the guys' role in all of this? I would be absolutely devastated if either of my boys ends up treating a girl (and a baby!) in such a careless and irresponsible manner!

Happy Birthday to your son! To be honest, guys who respect themselves really don't seek out girls that are this immature/messed up. They can usually sense the girls who are this 'needy'. I doubt you would have to worry about your sons being like this. (**edited to clarify, I am referring to girls who want to become pregnant**)

more observations regarding my last post:

When these young mothers stay in the dating scene, they tend to spend so much time consumed with their personal life (pleasing and impressing the 'new' BF) that they don't bond as well with the child as the ones who go it alone for a while. AFor the ones who stay single for a good period of time, the end result seems to be that they see their child as more valuable than a 'man' and want any future 'potential' boyfriend to be worthy of the baby, not the other way around. This is critical in the girl making good choices for herslf and the baby, IMO.

In situations where the father leaves the picture, I almost wish there was a law prohibiting teen mothers from having any romantic relationships until the child is a few years old.

This would:
*Give the new mother some time to reflect on her past failed relationships...see them more clearly
*Keep her more focused on finishing her education
*Be time to get into a more financially stable situation
*Prevent another pregnancy (which only adds to the problem)
*Place more focus on adjusting to parenthood/life with baby
*Allow her time to mature emotionally (a few years makes a HUGE difference when you are young, even more so for young mothers)

I know this would never happen, but it sure would help things, IMO.

 

[bsnyder]

poohandwendy, I appreciate your comments on this subject.

It just really saddens me to think that there are so many young girls out there who are willing to jepardize their own future, as well as an innocent child's future, by purposefully setting out to have a child without the crucial benefits of marriage and financial stability.

I've long wondered if it would help if we (society) offered a stipend, in the form of a monetary reward, for these at-risk girls to go on some form of long term birth control (the 5 year Norplant, for instance). On a totally voluntary basis, it just might cut down the number of teen pregenancies.

I'm sure it would be controversial but I think it would be money well spent.

 

[disykat]

I think sometimes it's fine to be a fuddy duddy. Sure I believe in supporting people once it's a done deal - I know people who've made the best of it and done well. However, I'm all for bringing a little bit of "shame" back into the picture. Teens need to know that there are limits to what the adults in their lives will "happily accept" and that a baby in the picture would not be seen as a reason to throw a party.

 

[BrerMom]

Originally posted by disykat
I think sometimes it's fine to be a fuddy duddy. Sure I believe in supporting people once it's a done deal - I know people who've made the best of it and done well. However, I'm all for bringing a little bit of "shame" back into the picture. Teens need to know that there are limits to what the adults in their lives will "happily accept" and that a baby in the picture would not be seen as a reason to throw a party.

I totally agree. I refused to let one of my clubs (in high school) hold a baby shower for an expecting friend due the next month. I just can't see rewarding behavior that I see as inappropriate with a lot of extra positive attention like a baby shower! I qualify as a fuddy-duddy, too (love that word!). I'm very supportive of pregnant girls in my classroom and usually give them a gift privately, but no way are they going to be the center of a party. The sad thing is that she did have a huge party in another class. It's probably just a coincidence, but we did have more pregnancies the following year.

 

[poohandwendy]

The good news is that teen pregnancy rates are at a record low. They haven't been this low since 1976, when stats first became available (were recorded).

 

[poohandwendy]

However, I'm all for bringing a little bit of "shame" back into the picture. Teens need to know that there are limits to what the adults in their lives will "happily accept" and that a baby in the picture would not be seen as a reason to throw a party.

I really do not know any adults who 'happily accept'' the pregnancy of teens in their life or otherwise.

 

[honeywolf7]

I agree with bringing shame back into the picture. Why reward a girl for doing something she shouldn't have done until she was at the very least an adult (and some would say a married adult, but that's not my opinion.)