Teenage girls - UGH!!

[luvsJack]

Well, to be fair, this is part of what Fire and Sweetie are trying to say. The "intent" of the use of the word is why it was inflammatory.

My issue is, the innocuous use of these words enables people like in the OP. When challenged about this incident, her response will be,

it doesnt mean anything, its just a word.

Oh, I see what your saying. and that makes sense. Its like giving the girl an "out".

 

[FireDancer]

Well, to be fair, this is part of what Fire and Sweetie are trying to say. The "intent" of the use of the word is why it was inflammatory.

My issue is, the innocuous use of these words enables people like in the OP. When challenged about this incident, her response will be,

it doesnt mean anything, its just a word.

Well, if someone uses the word to convey hate and then tries to claim it is just a meaningless word they are being at the very least disingenuous. Even in that scenario though it is the hate that is behind the word that is really the driving force, not the term that is chosen to convey the hate IMO. Kind of like if I hate you so I grab a knife or gun and shoot you it isn't the knife or gun that is the problem (though many try to make them out to be), it is my hate for you that is the problem.

I'm not sure how powerful you think I am but I assure you I am not important enough to enable anyone. I just worry about me.

It is what it is. We can agree to disagree. You make good points and while I may not see it the same way at least you aren't just name calling like some other have in the past. It is amazing how some people just can't have a reasonable conversation while disagreeing.

 

[dngnb8]

Well, if someone uses the word to convey hate and then tries to claim it is just a meaningless word they are being at the very least disingenuous.

Considering the etymology of the word, this surprises you? Humans are innately disingenuous where bigotry is concerned.

Even in that scenario though it is the hate that is behind the word that is really the driving force, not the term that is chosen to convey the hate IMO. Kind of like if I hate you so I grab a knife or gun and shoot you it isn't the knife or gun that is the problem (though many try to make them out to be), it is my hate for you that is the problem.

Just because the weapon doesnt kill, doesnt mean it doesnt harm.

I'm not sure how powerful you think I am but I assure you I am not important enough to enable anyone. I just worry about me.

Our actions affect others even if that isnt our intent. It isnt enough to just worry about ourselves, we have to think about what we are doing and how it affects others.

We can agree to disagree. You make good points and while I may not see it the same way at least you aren't just name calling like some other have in the past. It is amazing how some people just can't have a reasonable conversation while disagreeing.

If you would like, I can flame you just for board consistency sake

 

[FireDancer]

If you would like, I can flame you just for board consistency sake

No worries, I'm sure someone will pick up the slack soon enough.

 

[dngnb8]

No worries, I'm sure someone will pick up the slack soon enough.

heheheheh

 

[princessmom29]

So this girl was bullying the OP's dd and her bf and everyone thinks she was wrong for trying to rip the girl's head off?

I don't exactly blame the OP's dd at all. Sometimes you take and take and take and you walk away and walk away and finally it comes time to stand up for yourself. And that is what she did.

I don't exactly condone violence and I don't abide by my kid starting anything, but enough is enough.

She was doing more than calling him a wigger. She was calling him trash.

ITA. It is not like she called him a name and left it at that. This was a relentless campaign of hate. It was in the poor girl's face all the time and she had no escape from it. No, I don't blame her a bit for losing it. I would have too, and I and I don't think that stuff liek this will stop until someone gets angry enough to stop it. While I never condone violence I do feel that in this instance it is understandable that the OP's daughter would lose control and it is not something I would punish. People can only take so much abuse.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't blame her for losing it either. If the story went down exactly the way described, I think that a lot of us might go off too and we aren't even kids still learning how to deal with people. I don't think that the girl should have gone to violence but I can see why she did.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

This thread has so many posts that bypass the word filter. I am cleaning it up, and when I'm done I'll unlock it.


Please do not bypass the word filter.

www.wdwinfo.com/guidelines.htm

#2 No Profanity

Simply put, don't use swear words and don't post or link to suggestive or inappropriate photos. The boards are equipped with censoring software. If you try to use a profanity, it will be filtered and appear as all asterisks. Please don't get creative in an attempt to bypass the filters. This is considered the same as using the word itself and will result in an infraction. If you post or link to pornography, you'll be banned from our site.​

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Okay, carry on

(Just, please don't bypass the word filter, etc., etc. Thanks)

 

[jen0610]

I don't know if that's a good idea. If the girl is a racist, who's to say she didn't learn it from her parents?

And I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to hear that OP's DD almost attacked their DD...

I don't see why she should be suspended. She didn't put her hands on the other girl. I can't say trying to attack her was a good idea, either, but what's done is done. Sounds like your DD needs to cut ties with this "friend."

I know she deleted her from her facebook listing. I think most of the other kids did as well.

Regardless of the circumstances ("friend" not liking boyfriend) I have to say that the OP's daughter tried to take the high road by ignoring what was said at lunch other than everyone telling the other girl to knock it off repeatedly. While I would hope that my child would let an adult know at that point that she and her boy friend are being harassed, I can understand that kids don't want to be seen as "tattlers" (14 is a tough age - typically not capable of handling the really hard situations on one's own yet not wanting to admit that to an adult). If, however, someone had followed my kid off the bus when it wasn't even their stop (BTW - that is a huge no-no around here; you get off at YOUR stop unless you have a pass from the school office given after a parent note is sent in. Period.) just so they could keep getting in my kid's face harassing and verbally threatening them then I wouldn't add any punishment over what the school might choose to give. I would discuss different ways of handling it earlier in the future, but I would consider it a lesson learned - by both parties. There is only so much verbal abuse ANYone can take before they lose their cool.

DD readily agrees that she didn't handle it the best and she's kicking herself in the behind for letting the girl push her. And you are correct, very single person, weither they'll admit it or not, has a breaking point. They may not know what that point is and may never be pushed by someone to that point. For DD, the breaking point with this girl was reached.

Do you have any idea why this "friend" doesn't like the bf? Maybe she has a valid reason. If what you say is true, she sure has a lot of anger towards him. I doubt this is just random, so I'd bet there's quite a back-story there.

I agree that it doesn't sound like any of these kids are mature enough to be in a relationship. Why is your DD getting in the middle of this? Can't the bf stand up for himself? It just sounds like a whole lotta drama and everybody, Mom included, is feeding off of it.

As far as the attitude of the OP and some of the things she's posted here. . .

No one knows why the girl took a dislike to the boy. His family just moved here the end of July. He only knew a couple of the kids before school started in Aug. All the kids say she was nice to him the first 2 weeks of school, but from the 1st of Sept, she has made him the object of her ridicule. He's from LA, he has what I would call a New Orleans accent. She's made fun of that. He's got red hair and freckles, she's made fun of that. She's called him everything and anything but a white boy.

As for standing up for himself, he's a shy, new kid trying to figure out ins and outs of a new school. The established groups of friends and the kids places within those groups. I am going to guess that he was trying not to rock the boat, by taking issue with the girl - to a certain extent. He would walk away from her, he wouldn't responde to her, tell her to knock it off, he didn't go to activities if he knew she would be there, just to stay out of the line of fire.

Like I said, she ramped it up when DD and him started to like each other. She brought DD into her line of fire, when the became boyfriend/girlfriend. While the comment that made DD snap, was about him, it was directed at her.

Unfortunately with some scum a bust in the chops is the only thing they understand or the only way to get through to them. Sometimes passiveness only makes the aggression worse.

And hopefully, after a very close call, it will get into this girls head, that what she was saying and doing, is not going to be acceptable. But, from her family history, I am going to say not. She's be one of those ones, that will let her mouth talk herself right into a beatdown.

I don't know about that whole story. The girl was saying mean stuff to that level all day to the OP's daughter and her boyfriend in front of so many other people, and no one, not one person said horrid things back to the girl? That one-way communication just doesn't happen in high school unless the girl is a 6 ft tall brute.

According to all the kids that were at the lunch table, she was told to stop, knock it off, shut up, but none of them called her names or made nasty remarks about her or to her. They just wanted to spend these last two lunches together and not have the warden seperate them across the lunch room.

 

[LisaR]

I don't blame her for losing it either. If the story went down exactly the way described, I think that a lot of us might go off too and we aren't even kids still learning how to deal with people. I don't think that the girl should have gone to violence but I can see why she did.

That is a big IF. When I read that both girls are on Facebook together saying nasty things, I have to believe that both had an equal part in the whole thing. Maybe the other girl instigated it this time but I am willing to bet the OP'er DD hasn't been an innocent angle in this mess all along.

 

[jen0610]

That is a big IF. When I read that both girls are on Facebook together saying nasty things, I have to believe that both had an equal part in the whole thing. Maybe the other girl instigated it this time but I am willing to bet the OP'er DD hasn't been an innocent angle in this mess all along.

DD would show me comments and pictures that the girl would post. She posted a picture, which I am sure we have all seen, of the trashed out camper up in a tree with the caption Redneck High Rise or something to that effect. The girls comment was - Awww....Look the future home of X and X.

She'd post comments about something stinking and that X needed to check his shower schedule, she thinks it time for his yearly shower. She posted comment telling DD to tell me that Target had Clorox wipes on sale and that I needed to get DD a supply to clean the germs off of her hands after holding hands with X.

These are the milder examples. DD always wanted me to see the posts before she deleted them from her facebook. Since the girl is not deleted, DD will only find out about things, if others tell her about them.

 

[Magic Mom]

DD would show me comments and pictures that the girl would post. She posted a picture, which I am sure we have all seen, of the trashed out camper up in a tree with the caption Redneck High Rise or something to that effect. The girls comment was - Awww....Look the future home of X and X.

She'd post comments about something stinking and that X needed to check his shower schedule, she thinks it time for his yearly shower. She posted comment telling DD to tell me that Target had Clorox wipes on sale and that I needed to get DD a supply to clean the germs off of her hands after holding hands with X.

These are the milder examples. DD always wanted me to see the posts before she deleted them from her facebook. Since the girl is not deleted, DD will only find out about things, if others tell her about them.

So you said this was a good friend of your daughters. I'm sure the girl didn't just start acting like this yesterday. Why was your DD friends with this girl before? That might be something you want to talk to DD about. That behavior is wrong regardless if it's aimed at you and your friends or if it's aimed at other people you don't necessarily like. i would be concerned if it were my child that she didn't have a big problem with those actions until they were aimed at her.

 

[luvsJack]

DD would show me comments and pictures that the girl would post. She posted a picture, which I am sure we have all seen, of the trashed out camper up in a tree with the caption Redneck High Rise or something to that effect. The girls comment was - Awww....Look the future home of X and X.

She'd post comments about something stinking and that X needed to check his shower schedule, she thinks it time for his yearly shower. She posted comment telling DD to tell me that Target had Clorox wipes on sale and that I needed to get DD a supply to clean the germs off of her hands after holding hands with X.

These are the milder examples. DD always wanted me to see the posts before she deleted them from her facebook. Since the girl is not deleted, DD will only find out about things, if others tell her about them.

OP, this girl sounds like a real piece of work. I think your dd had enough of the verbal abuse and I can't say that I blame her.

Your dd was having enough emotional stuff going on with her bf moving and not seeing him anymore. And this girl starting all this was just more than she could take. Sometimes you have to take a stand and if that person you are taking a stand with can't understand anything but having their head torn off then so be it. Some people can't understand the word "STOP".

I somehow find it hard to believe that ALL these posters wouldn't have had the same reaction at 14 and some would have even as an adult. Heck, some can't even keep their cool on the DIS!!!

I think taking her out for a great big chocolate dessert would be a great way to let her vent and talk and get it all out of her system. Nothing in the world wrong with that AT ALL. You may find that there is more to the story and that you need to take action or at least have a more stern conversation about it but I really see no reason not to have a mother/daughter dessert time to get it all out in the open.

As for anyone saying she shouldn't be "dating". Ehhh. don't worry about that either. I am amazed at the people that think they can "forbid" their daughter to like a boy until she is older. Dd is 13 and has a boyfriend that we adore. He is a sweet kid that thinks the world of my daughter. There are much worse things she could have than a friend that cares that much about her. Sounds like its the same for your dd.

 

[wvjules]

So you said this was a good friend of your daughters. I'm sure the girl didn't just start acting like this yesterday. Why was your DD friends with this girl before? That might be something you want to talk to DD about. That behavior is wrong regardless if it's aimed at you and your friends or if it's aimed at other people you don't necessarily like. i would be concerned if it were my child that she didn't have a big problem with those actions until they were aimed at her.

Why was your DD even friends with someone like that?

 

[LIDisneyFan]

DD would show me comments and pictures that the girl would post. She posted a picture, which I am sure we have all seen, of the trashed out camper up in a tree with the caption Redneck High Rise or something to that effect. The girls comment was - Awww....Look the future home of X and X.

She'd post comments about something stinking and that X needed to check his shower schedule, she thinks it time for his yearly shower. She posted comment telling DD to tell me that Target had Clorox wipes on sale and that I needed to get DD a supply to clean the germs off of her hands after holding hands with X.

These are the milder examples. DD always wanted me to see the posts before she deleted them from her facebook. Since the girl is not deleted, DD will only find out about things, if others tell her about them.

And why was your DD friends with this girl during this time? Did she think it was OK for her to be saying those things? And when she continued to show them to you-you thought it was OK for her to be friends with this girl?

Just confused.

 

[princessmom29]

Why was your DD even friends with someone like that?

perhaps this girl wasn't always this way? I have to wonder what is going on in that child's life to make her so filled with hate.

 

[Alsobrook]

A) Does the little brat have parents, and

B) Have you called them?

 

[harleyquinn]

I don't know what it meant anywhere else but in our school, and even now when we talk about high school, it was just the kids who liked rap, dressed with the sagging pants and do-rags, and had the cars with systems that would shake the windows.

Did you go to Mentor High? You totally just described my DH in HS.

I had this conversation with my buddy here at work. He is gay. We've been friends for 10 years and he and his partner are close friends of my wife, my daughter and me. He and I talk about everything under the sun, and this is a conversation that came up.

We were talking about Hate Speak, and he said this

If I call his partner ******, he would rip my face off. But he can call him ****** all he wants. His reasoning was, when a "class" takes ownership of the word, they defuse the word. It diminishes the impact. Hence when we see Ice T call Snoop My ******, he is attempting to defuse the hate content of the word. Its like he says, the word has no power.

So I asked him, then why rip my face off? If you defused it, you shouldnt react. His response was that I used it to Hate. I said, but you gave me an implied permission to use it when you said you defused it. If you can use it, why cant I? (that is the rationale that Haters use by the way)

You see, when others use the word in the fashion you mention, those that use it as a weapon are given the excuse to use it. They will say

So and So uses it all the time, it doesnt mean anything (wink wink, nudge nudge)

Yet, and this situation is an example, when it counts, it surfaces as the Hate Speak it was created for. You are using it innocently, but you, without intent, enable those who use it as the weapon it was designed for, to continue with it.

This is why Hate Speak should never be accepted as social vernacular. When I see someone defending the use, I immediately think, they are defending the hate.

When a group takes over a Hate word, they do so only for their group. It defuses the hate for them and makes it a joke of sorts. It doesn't make it okay for someone outside the group to use it hatefully or not. Logically this doesn't make a ton of sense, but I see how it works emotionally.

I wanted to jump in and defend Fire and Sweetie a bit. Maybe it's a regional or age group thing, but my HS used the label that shall not be named exactly the same way their's did. It was just a label. I won't get into the evils of labeling or the PCness of using labels that refer to race that aren't strictly implicit descriptions. It really was the culture at my HS. We weren't being mean or hateful when we used that word.

Thankfully I think the label's popularity has dropped off quite a bit.

As far as the power of words: I was an English major. I feel very strongly that we are the ones that give words power, and we can take that power away. It's my excuse for swearing like a sailor. BUT I also recognise that other people around me give more power to the words I don't feel deserve the power, and I respect that they don't want to hear them.

And hate words are a special category of power words.

(I feel like this topic really should be completely seperate from the OP.)

 

[FireDancer]

Did you go to Mentor High? You totally just described my DH in HS.

I did not. As a good west side Clevelander I don't think I made it that far east until after high school when I could apply for a passport to cross the Cuyahoga.