Teenage girls - UGH!!

[dngnb8]

Some of us choose not to get so hung up on words and over-analyze everything.

Others use the words specifically, and when they do they say things like,

"It doesnt mean anything, heck FireDancer uses it too"

Hate Speak breeds hate. It is one of the seeds of hate. It may not be so to you, but you are planting the seeds for others by dismissing it as just a word.

 

[wvjules]

Others use the words specifically, and when they do they say things like,

"It doesnt mean anything, heck FireDancer uses it too"

Hate Speak breeds hate. It is one of the seeds of hate. It may not be so to you, but you are planting the seeds for others by dismissing it as just a word.

But if it's not used in a hateful way then it's not hateful. It's not the word, it's the intent.

 

[surfgirl]

When I was in middle school, our vice principal, Mr. Little (who was anything but) sort of presided over lunch. He was nice enough, but he had a microphone... one of the old school table top ones with the wide base... and he's point and call out the bad behavior and tell kids to quiet down. On the rare occasion that things might get out of hand...he'd do his best, and then SHE would come in...

Olive Scott.... looked about 6 feet tall. Tight Grey Hair. Permanent Scowl. And one of those voices that went right through you.

She'd grab the microphone a la Rambo in the second movie when he says, "I'm comin' for you." And she'd lean in and let out a thundering boom of "I EXPECT THIS ROOM TO RETURN TO QUIET OR WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM."

And if there was a fight or something.... kids would literally freeze mid punch and then drop the thing altogether.... because one time, Ms. Scott appeared out of nowhere and she collared two boys and drug them out of the lunch room all the way to the office, and we didn't see them again for like a week. And when they came back, they both looked like they'd lost weight and acted like they'd been lobotomized.

Olive Scott - Lunch Room Warden Extraordinaire.

Do you teach English? Because this is a great visualization. I fear that our kids now aren't getting these great experiences to draw back upon when it comes to writing....

 

[dngnb8]

My point was that words are just words.

I keep seeing this. Words are not just "words"

Words communicate. They inform others what you think, feel, opinion. They are not harmless. Much pain and suffering can be done with words.

Dismissing Hate Speak as just words is irresponsible. The words in this thread has taught me a bit about some posters. And to think, you all thought they were just "words".

 

[jen0610]

OP here, I am going to try and go thru these and answer as I can.

Sounds like your DD's best friend needs her *** beat.

DD's bestfriend is a guy and was one of them that didn't let her get to the girl.

I would take it up with the girl's parents, personally. And if the school punishes your daughter, I would fight it.

After having several of the kids that know what has been taking place for the last 3 weeks at our house last night, taking it up with the girl's parents isn't going to happen. She's not living with her parents. She was placed in the care of her Grandma. I know the Grandma and how know who the girls dad is and well truthfully, it now explains a whole lot!!!

I find it odd that your DD's friends are texting you. Are you a little too invested in your DD's life, perhaps?

Invested in, if you call being involved in her life by the fact that I know about 80% of her friends by name and who their parents are. That it's our house the kids want to come hang out at. That I have - between all of DD's and DS's friends, band mates, and dance studio kids - all calling me mom, then ya I'm invested.

The kids all have my cell number, as DD has very limited texting on her phone, so when the kids want to text, they know they have to call my number.

You refer to the "lunch room warden," admit you have a temper and gave an example of your DD's temper. It sounds like you have a bad temper & your DD has one, too. Referring to the lunch aide as a warden is a little immature, IMO.

Sorry if calling them people who are in the lunch room, hallways, and common area's wardens, seems immature to you. It's what the schools themselves all them. We have hall wardens, bus wardens, sports wardens, and the lunch wardens. It is what it is. I didn't pick it, the principle did.

Your DD was enticed but she took the bait. They all behaved badly.

And who moves with a week notice? That's odd, too.

Apparently the mom has known for a couple of weeks now, that she and the boys were moving back to LA, but she knew it wasn't going to go over well with the 2 oldest boys, so she kept it to herself, until last weekend. No, I don't think she handled that very well, but it was her decision to withhold the info from her kids. Both of the boys had been making plans with friends for Halloween parties and going to see PA3, but all of that is scrapped now, that they are leaving. The boys have some hurt feelings, which would have been avoided, if mom had told them weeks ago about the move.

Sorry the OP's daughter's boyfriend is moving, but this is another reason why 14 year olds don't need to be dating. A lot of drama and responsibility that goes with dating at young ages.

As a highschool teacher of at-risk students, the OP sounds like one of my students with some of her phrases and her response to the situation.

We have a Safe School Act, and so both parties would be in trouble, because the Safe School Act was broken. Absolutely unacceptable what the girl said and did to the OP and her boyfriend. We would have suspended her for sure, and OP's daughter would have consequences as well as she made a verbal and physical threat toward the other girl.

I'm sorry, but kids learn how to react from their parents, just as much as from peers, so by OP calling the girl a name and discussing how she would treat her, is showing a lack of good judgment on the part of her as a mom. I totally get that OP is upset, as she should be, but she needs to mature a bit, and learn to control herself, so as to be a positive role model for her daughter. Perhaps this is isolated, and is a one-time thing, but if not, then the OP's daughter needs to learn other coping strategies for these types of behaviours.

I am a bit concerned about the lack of involvement from school as well, and the OP can discuss this, but she needs to understand that her daughter also didn't handle the situation in a great way either.

Any buying her a sweet treat. Oh, dear...not even sure where to begin with that one?

Tiger

The principle prefers to be the kids buddy and pal, then the authority figure that he is at the school. It takes a LOT, to get in trouble. Even with finding out from the kids, what all the girl has been saying about the boy since the start of school and has been saying to DD, him or both over the last 3 weeks, I really don't think she would be told more than that's not nice and you need to be a nicer person. He's state that given the fact that she's going thru a seperation issue - And we don't know why she's not living with her Parents - that she needs to be given some slack. She's going thru a rough time.

I have heard it for several years now, from many different people, including some of his teachers, that the principle - as a authority figure - is about as worthless as they come.

 

[FireDancer]

I grew up hearing Wop and Dago as a kid. Im Italian. Dago is the equivalent of ****** for blacks. This would be like calling a Black person a Nago for acting Italian.

I'm Italian too (half) and I could not care less if someone says dago or guinea or wop or even calls me one. I refer to myself as a dago all the time (a dago-polack actually since that is the other half). If someone wants to call a black person a Nago for acting Italian not only am I not offended but I find it hilarious and kind of wish I though of it first. I don't care if the Sopranos or Jersey Shore depicts Italians in a bad light because humor based on stereotypes is funny, usually, and I know it isn't about me specifically.

If someone says to me "I'm going to kick your dago butt" the word isn't the problem, it is merely a word and I don't give it power, it is the wanting to kick my butt that is the problem. Even if the only reason they want to do it is because they hate Italians it isn't the word but the hate that is behind it that is the problem.

No one will ever convince me that a collection of letters arranged a certain way has any power. It is always the intent behind it that holds any power.

 

[dngnb8]

But if it's not used in a hateful way then it's not hateful. It's not the word, it's the intent.

I had this conversation with my buddy here at work. He is gay. We've been friends for 10 years and he and his partner are close friends of my wife, my daughter and me. He and I talk about everything under the sun, and this is a conversation that came up.

We were talking about Hate Speak, and he said this

If I call his partner ******, he would rip my face off. But he can call him ****** all he wants. His reasoning was, when a "class" takes ownership of the word, they defuse the word. It diminishes the impact. Hence when we see Ice T call Snoop My ******, he is attempting to defuse the hate content of the word. Its like he says, the word has no power.

So I asked him, then why rip my face off? If you defused it, you shouldnt react. His response was that I used it to Hate. I said, but you gave me an implied permission to use it when you said you defused it. If you can use it, why cant I? (that is the rationale that Haters use by the way)

You see, when others use the word in the fashion you mention, those that use it as a weapon are given the excuse to use it. They will say

So and So uses it all the time, it doesnt mean anything (wink wink, nudge nudge)

Yet, and this situation is an example, when it counts, it surfaces as the Hate Speak it was created for. You are using it innocently, but you, without intent, enable those who use it as the weapon it was designed for, to continue with it.

This is why Hate Speak should never be accepted as social vernacular. When I see someone defending the use, I immediately think, they are defending the hate.

 

[dngnb8]

No one will ever convince me that a collection of letters arranged a certain way has any power. It is always the intent behind it that holds any power.

They dont for you, they do for many many others. You are the exception, and not the rule. Simply because they mean nothing to you, doesnt mean everyone feels that way. One day, you may use one of those powerless words when talking to another, and you may feel their power in a way you didnt expect.

 

[FireDancer]

They dont for you, they do for many many others. You are the exception, and not the rule. Simply because they mean nothing to you, doesnt mean everyone feels that way. One day, you may use one of those powerless words when talking to another, and you may feel their power in a way you didnt expect.

If you are implying they will respond with physical violence to a word than it is they who have the problem, not me.

 

[luvsJack]

So this girl was bullying the OP's dd and her bf and everyone thinks she was wrong for trying to rip the girl's head off?

I don't exactly blame the OP's dd at all. Sometimes you take and take and take and you walk away and walk away and finally it comes time to stand up for yourself. And that is what she did.

I don't exactly condone violence and I don't abide by my kid starting anything, but enough is enough.

She was doing more than calling him a wigger. She was calling him trash.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Alright...I give up.

I'm going to come away with this discussion now knowing that I am a hateful person because, as a teenager, I did things I didn't fully understand. And because I won't vilify teens for still doing it I must be stupid and need the meaning of some word explained over and over again.

And for the record...I never said it wasn't WORNG to do these things...I just really do think it's silly to get SO workrd up about it.

So...have a good morning everyone.

 

[FireDancer]

Alright...I give up.

I'm going to come away with this discussion now knowing that I am a hateful person because, as a teenager, I did things I didn't fully understand. And because I won't vilify teens for still doing it I must be stupid and need the meaning of some word explained over and over again.

And for the record...I never said it wasn't WORNG to do these things...I just really do think it's silly to get SO workrd up about it.

So...have a good morning everyone.

I wouldn't take it personally. I have learned in life that there are people who look for a reason to be offended in everything. They wear their martyrdom as a bade of honor.

 

[dngnb8]

If you are implying they will respond with physical violence to a word than it is they who have the problem, not me.

I disagree.

Both of you have the problem

The other for responding, and you for ignoring the consequences of using "words" irresponsibly.

JMHO

 

[dngnb8]

Alright...I give up.

I'm going to come away with this discussion now knowing that I am a hateful person because, as a teenager, I did things I didn't fully understand. And because I won't vilify teens for still doing it I must be stupid and need the meaning of some word explained over and over again.

And for the record...I never said it wasn't WORNG to do these things...I just really do think it's silly to get SO workrd up about it.

So...have a good morning everyone.

You know, this is a teenager type response. This is a serious topic, there is going to be a lot of emotion with it.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

You know, this is a teenager type response. This is a serious topic, there is going to be a lot of emotion with it.

Well...take it how you want. I'm just done defending myself.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I wouldn't take it personally. I have learned in life that there are people who look for a reason to be offended in everything. They wear their martyrdom as a bade of honor.

Oh I am not really bothered by it.

#1-It's the internet. These people don't know me...I know who I am and how I live my life and I am fine with it.

#2-Sticks and stones

I'm just done with this argument. Sorry...you're on your own now. But you're MUCH better at it than I am anyway.

 

[luvsJack]

I disagree.

Both of you have the problem

The other for responding, and you for ignoring the consequences of using "words" irresponsibly.

JMHO

I agree. I have said in another thread that we should stop letting racists and haters take words and phrases and change them into something different than their intended meaning. This girl is one of those haters.

In this case the person was intentionally using her words to hurt this boy and the OP's dd. Its not "just a word", its the intention of inflicting pain on others.

 

[dngnb8]

In this case the person was intentionally using her words to hurt this boy and the OP's dd. Its not "just a word", its the intention of inflicting pain on others.

Well, to be fair, this is part of what Fire and Sweetie are trying to say. The "intent" of the use of the word is why it was inflammatory.

My issue is, the innocuous use of these words enables people like in the OP. When challenged about this incident, her response will be,

it doesnt mean anything, its just a word.

 

[Alsobrook]

Do you teach English? Because this is a great visualization. I fear that our kids now aren't getting these great experiences to draw back upon when it comes to writing....

Not an English teacher (did you see all my typos? )

I honestly believe that we just don't interact much anymore and we're distracted by screen imagery instead of life imagery. My daughter's camp went "unplugged" this year because the girls had been riding in vans on their way to a sliding rock or a canoe trip, and instead of looking out the windows, talking and singing songs, they were texting....between the front and back seats.

I'll tell you this little story, just to make the point.... When I was 10, the best kid on my soccer team showed up at a game in dress pants, a button down shirt and nice shoes. He walked over to our coach and, in front of the whole team, said, "Coach, I'm sorry, I can't play today. I'm in trouble because I didn't do my math homework for two days, so I cannot play in the game today." And the coach said, he was sorry too because we were really going to miss him and he was letting our whole team down and maybe ought to apologize to all of us. "Sorry, guys." Then he walked off the field and his mother led him, by his hand, back to their car.... they went home.

Not one kid on our team gave that kid crap because his mother brought him out there to do that. We got our butts beat in the game. The next week, I think that guy was reminded about his math homework by 9 different boys. Two of us even offered to help him with it. He was embarrassed as all get out, but every single one of us knew that our mother would have done exactly the same thing if we had been the ones who hadn't done homework.

By the way, at the next practice, the coach made that kid run two extra laps because he'd missed the game, and the coach leaned down and said, "Don't you ever let your team down like that again. Ok, show's over... let's practice."

I think this still happens here and there, but man it doesn't happen enough.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I've seen posts saying -- stay out of it and let your daughter handle it, yet others say she should have brought it to an adults' attention.

Others saying she should unfriend this girl on FB. If you know anything about FB you know that if they share the same friends, whatever she posts will be known to OP's daughter. So the bullying will now be indirect.

For those saying she's too young to date, what exactly does that add to the conversation? Isn't it a little late for that advice?

And good god, please get off the chocolate. Jez, you'd think OP bought her kid a Mercedes.

And for everyone saying teach her how to handle the situation in a non-violent way, what is your exact advice? This sounds like the protesters in Zuccotti Park -- they want change but don't have any solid, constructive ideas of what to do to get that change brought about.

And I think many of you are responding as adults. I don't think if you asked your kids how this situation is usually handled among their peers they would be suggesting the other cheek be turned. It's nice to sit in our adult houses and pass judgment on a situation when we haven't been teens and in high school in quite a few years.

I think OP's daughter took all she could. I don't know if I could have taken as much as she did. The last and final straw was this girl getting off the bus at the wrong stop and still going after OP's daughter. At that point I think OP's daughter should have beat the crap out of her. She deserved it. The rules of high school are far different than the rules of adulthood. Just like Gaddaffi, you live by the sword you die by the sword. Or as my Italian friends like to say "you mess with the bull, you get the horns".

I'll never understand why it's okay for the bully to bully and why the victim should always turn the other cheek. We had a poster on the DIS who's dog was attacked by a pitbull who was loose, without a leash and without an owner and yet there were DISers who managed to turn it around and tell her she should be ashamed of herself for having the owner of the pitbull evicted from her apartment she was living in, illegally.