Teen daughter - vent

[tcufrog]

I've been thinking about this dilemma a lot because it reminds me of some challenges I'm been having lately with my own teenager. I've learned some hard lessons recently about parenting a teenager.
1. It's really, really hard. Teens can be emotionally exhausting to deal with, especially during these crazy, tough Covid times.
2. What we think is best for them is often not what they think is best for them.
3. What they want most is to feel that they are heard. That doesn't mean that we should always get them what they want, but it's important to have them become an active part of the decision-making process.
3. We need to sometimes give them the gift of failure. Sometimes we need to let them fail even if we see if coming from a mile away. Hopefully, they will rise to the occasion or at least learn from the failure. Many kids won't learn tough lessons any other way.

My advice: Go somewhere away from home on neutral turf with few distractions. Tell her that what's going on isn't working and you want to figure out with her what will work for both of you. One of the simplest questions I'm asked in my kids that has yielded surprising results is "What do you want?" I tell them that there's no right or wrong answer and that I won't judge their answer. The first time I asked them they were shocked and thought that there was a catch or hidden agenda. I told them no and that I really wanted to understand what mattered to them. Their answers surprised me in a good way but they weren't what I expected.

I then told them what I wanted but I didn't tell them how I expected to accomplish it. I just told them what the end goal was. For example, in your case (if I understand you correctly) you want safe and reliable childcare for your younger children during certain times and days. You want to make sure your teenager has safe transportation when she goes somewhere.

Talk about with an open mind and open heart what you both want and tell her that you want to come up with solutions that will meet as many of both of your needs and desires as possible, understanding that you may not solve all of them now but you will keep talking and working on solutions together. I've found that when I approach issues of disagreement like the one you have in this way, my kids often come up with solutions that wouldn't have occured to me and they're more willing to listen to my side.

I asked my teenager what he thought of this advice and he heartily endorsed it.

 

[Meglen]

sorry just read the first sentence and couldn't read more.. its not your kids job to raise your other kids.. sorry. If she wants a job she should be able to get one and you figure out how to make it work.

 

[FQLover]

I just don't get why some folks think that the OP is abdicating "raising her other kids" to her oldest. I don't think that picking up a sibling from the bus stop 3x a week and watching them for 20 minutes until the dad gets home from work constitutes raising children. Really? I have raised an only child as an only parent, and I can tell you that the breadth and depth of experiences that go into raising children makes this small household task seem a drop in the bucket.

I think that this discussion has struck a personal nerve with some posters. For myself, I am the oldest of six and certainly did my share of babysitting my siblings. But my parents also did a lot of things to help and support me in those years.

 

[tzolkin]

Well I didn't say they would get automatically like they are ultra snooping around
…
Sometimes it's discovered as a result of your CLUE (Comprehensive Loss Underwriting Exchange) report when you move from insurance company to insurance company and the system prompts
…
There basically was a way the teen wouldn't be rated because their status would be listed as PERMITTED but as I was explaining the insurance company I worked for that was only allowed for 1 term (be it 6 months or 12 months) and after that it didn't matter if the driver had actually obtained their full license if they were 16 years or older they were rated on the policy.

Thanks for the explanation. That makes sense. I’m glad our insurance did not have a limit to the permit time because our oldest didn’t wind up getting her license until college when she needed to get a car for her job. So she did not have to pay for insurance until then.

I am recently familiar with the CLUE report. When middle daughter went from permit to license, somehow they added her as another person with a different name (her middle name). They corrected it and fixed the premium, but when I just recently went to get new insurance the agent asked, “So who is Middlename?” He said that additional name would likely be listed as another potential person in our household and we would be asked about it every time we got insurance moving forward.

My advice would be to take back the car, stop paying her insurance, and allow her to get a job and pay for everything herself.

There is no car. It was just mentioned that the parents are planning to buy a car in the future (and it was not clear whether the daughter even knows this or not yet).

I do agree that it would be a good financial learning experience for her to pay for her own expenses though.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thanks for the explanation. That makes sense. I’m glad our insurance did not have a limit to the permit time because our oldest didn’t wind up getting her license until college when she needed to get a car for her job. So she did not have to pay for insurance until then.

I am recently familiar with the CLUE report. When middle daughter went from permit to license, somehow they added her as another person with a different name (her middle name). They corrected it and fixed the premium, but when I just recently went to get new insurance the agent asked, “So who is Middlename?” He said that additional name would likely be listed as another potential person in our household and we would be asked about it every time we got insurance moving forward.

Ugh yeah I ran into that issue enough times too about CLUE. Different spellings, one letter or number off in the license, etc. It's a pain. Sorry you had/have to deal with that

 

[Lilsia]

I just don't get why some folks think that the OP is abdicating "raising her other kids" to her oldest. I don't think that picking up a sibling from the bus stop 3x a week and watching them for 20 minutes until the dad gets home from work constitutes raising children. Really? I have raised an only child as an only parent, and I can tell you that the breadth and depth of experiences that go into raising children makes this small household task seem a drop in the bucket.

I think that this discussion has struck a personal nerve with some posters. For myself, I am the oldest of six and certainly did my share of babysitting my siblings. But my parents also did a lot of things to help and support me in those years.

I don't think that it is equivalent to raising the other kids, but it has caused so much of a disruption in the teens life that it might as well be. Right now, the parents need her to be available for not only those times, but if their schedule changes last minute. So this is keeping her from applying for the job that she wants. Most teens that age will get together after school and right now, 3 out of the 5 days a week, she can't do that. I have raised 2 daughters and that is one of their most socially active times with their friends, at least where we live. There is nothing wrong with the occasional baby sitting of younger siblings. But what they have now is regular commitment that affects her last year before graduation. I get it, as an adult, we see things differently and that is why many of you don't really understand why this is an issue. But you are not looking at it from the teen's side. She obviously feels that watching her siblings is keeping her from doing what all of her peers are doing and that matters to them. There is a fine line between contributing to the family and being held back because of those contributions.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't think that it is equivalent to raising the other kids, but it has caused so much of a disruption in the teens life that it might as well be. Right now, the parents need her to be available for not only those times, but if their schedule changes last minute. So this is keeping her from applying for the job that she wants. Most teens that age will get together after school and right now, 3 out of the 5 days a week, she can't do that. I have raised 2 daughters and that is one of their most socially active times with their friends, at least where we live. There is nothing wrong with the occasional baby sitting of younger siblings. But what they have now is regular commitment that affects her last year before graduation. I get it, as an adult, we see things differently and that is why many of you don't really understand why this is an issue. But you are not looking at it from the teen's side. She obviously feels that watching her siblings is keeping her from doing what all of her peers are doing and that matters to them. There is a fine line between contributing to the family and being held back because of those contributions.

This. Having raised 5 teens, after school is a big deal starting in middle school (don’t even think of getting into Starbucks). It’s not just 1 hour a week, it’s 3 days a week of coming right home after school. My kids did sports and worked, but if they were free after school they rarely came home.

 

[jo-jo]

This. Having raised 5 teens, after school is a big deal starting in middle school (don’t even think of getting into Starbucks). It’s not just 1 hour a week, it’s 3 days a week of coming right home after school. My kids did sports and worked, but if they were free after school they rarely came home.

OP did say she was in two clubs that just ended. With my own kids, HS got home at least 90 min before lower grades. So daughter may have had after school clubs and still beat younger kids home. Bus times can be really wacky.

 

[White Cat]

This. Having raised 5 teens, after school is a big deal starting in middle school (don’t even think of getting into Starbucks). It’s not just 1 hour a week, it’s 3 days a week of coming right home after school. My kids did sports and worked, but if they were free after school they rarely came home.

I never heard of kids not coming home after school. If mine had no activities and didn’t come home I would have been quite concerned. And would have put a stop to it.

 

[monsterkitty]

I never heard of kids not coming home after school. If mine had no activities and didn’t come home I would have been quite concerned. And would have put a stop to it.

Kids do a variety of things after school before going home - hang out with friends playing video games, going to Starbucks, shopping, working out, heck, some even get together and do homework or study. Not going right home after school isn't always a bad thing.

 

[White Cat]

Kids do a variety of things after school before going home - hang out with friends playing video games, going to Starbucks, shopping, working out, heck, some even get together and do homework or study. Not going right home after school isn't always a bad thing.

No ones children mine grew up with did that. And I have never heard of it. I think it’s customary to come right home after school as it is after work. In fact my siblings and I came right home as did all of our friends.

 

[mjkacmom]

I never heard of kids not coming home after school. If mine had no activities and didn’t come home I would have been quite concerned. And would have put a stop to it.

Well, I’ve been living here for over 50 years, there are no buses so kids either walk or drive. The middle and high schools are smack in the middle on Main Street, so lots of places to go. Older elementary go to local parks with friends. Lots go over friends’ houses to play, go to basketball courts, maybe some street hockey, stop home and grab bikes. When do kids socialize where you live?

 

[Southernmiss]

Our 4 kids had activities that kept them going out of the house from 7am to 9 pm in high school.

If they were home right after school, it was very rare.

Kids today are much more involved than a generation ago.

 

[White Cat]

Well, I’ve been living here for over 50 years, there are no buses so kids either walk or drive. The middle and high schools are smack in the middle on Main Street, so lots of places to go. Older elementary go to local parks with friends. Lots go over friends’ houses to play, go to basketball courts, maybe some street hockey, stop home and grab bikes. When do kids socialize where you live?

That’s too bad. At school, activities, weekends. Days off.

 

[White Cat]

Our 4 kids had activities that kept them going out of the house from 7am to 9 pm in high school.

If they were home right after school, it was very rare.

Kids today are much more involved than a generation ago.

That’s why I said unless there was an activity after school. And mine mostly did have an activity. There wasn’t time to hang out. And they had too much homework and other things to do than to sit in a coffee shop after school. Similar to adults that need to get home.

 

[mjkacmom]

That’s why I said unless there was an activity after school. And mine mostly did have an activity. There wasn’t time to hang out. And they had too much homework and other things to do than to sit in a coffee shop after school. Similar to adults that need to get home.

There is always time with good time management skills. Even with 2 varsity sports seasons, high school play, and 12 hours of dance dd20 managed 9 AP classes and graduated 8th in her class, probably the most social out of my very social kids. Very strong friend group (just had a bunch over for a fire 2 nights ago). Fortunately all of my kids hung out with others who were involved in sports or some time consuming activities and who cared about school. This helped them succeed in college, even with a work hard/play hard mentality. Even my 25 year old is still close with her high school friends. Dd18 is with her 9 best friend sleeping elsewhere, home from college.

 

[Karin1984]

I never heard of kids not coming home after school. If mine had no activities and didn’t come home I would have been quite concerned. And would have put a stop to it.

We did it constantly. We just played outside before highschool and during highschool we just walked around the city center. Most of my friends had one activity that was usually one hour of training or a music lesson. Plenty of time to hang out.
My brother was hardly home between 12 and 17 years old.

Our parents trusted our judgement.

 

[monsterkitty]

That’s why I said unless there was an activity after school. And mine mostly did have an activity. There wasn’t time to hang out. And they had too much homework and other things to do than to sit in a coffee shop after school. Similar to adults that need to get home.

I graduated in 1984.

I had swim practice before and after school. Plus marching band between morning swim and when school started. If for some strange reason I didn't have to be in the pool or at rehearsal, I was hanging out with my friends. After marching season ended, I had more time to spend with friends. Somehow I still got all my homework completed, graduated with honors, and entered college with enough credits to be a sophomore.

Kids still do the same - hang out with friends after school and then do homework later. In fact, as educators, we encouraged kids to take a break after school before doing homework.

Adults need to get home afterwork because they have, you know, adult responsibilities.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That’s why I said unless there was an activity after school. And mine mostly did have an activity. There wasn’t time to hang out. And they had too much homework and other things to do than to sit in a coffee shop after school. Similar to adults that need to get home.

Autonomy counts for a lot at a certain point. It varies depending on the parent and the relationship with their teen and other factors but as is the OP's daughter is a senior, 17 and will be going off to college quite soon. I think most of us are just a bit taken back by how much restriction is put in place at this point especially the job part. Clearly the OP trusts their teen to take care of the 7 year old and the 4 year old so it does seem at odds with the other restrictions put in place. And if one feels like the person watching their kids isn't up to snuff you well should make other arrangements and is usually the going advice anyhow.

 

[QueenIsabella]

OP did say she was in two clubs that just ended. With my own kids, HS got home at least 90 min before lower grades. So daughter may have had after school clubs and still beat younger kids home. Bus times can be really wacky.

This really depends on where you live. I always thought the HS would go in and get out first, but here (NC), at least, it's the opposite. In fact, when they were younger, my DD (middle school) and DS (elementary) would leave at the exact same time. She went to her bus stop, he walked the 2 blocks to school. He would get out at 2:30, and be home by 2:40. She'd arrive at 4pm. Now, she's in college and he's in HS--he gets out at 3:40 (it was 3:30, pre-pandemic). On days that he needs to be somewhere at 4pm (dance on Tuesdays), I pick him up.