Teen daughter - vent

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FWIW, I coach high school cheerleaders, so I spend a lot of time around high school girls. They ALL whine and complain about their stupid parents and their lot in life. Every. single. One. Yes, some more than others and some with more anger than others. Some I see do it to their parents face, some not.

But don’t fool yourselves into thinking that your kids don’t. It’s part of the process of growing up and apart from the parents.
Nobody thinks their teen doesn’t complain about them. Or life. Of course they do. We’re talking about the misconception that all teens act entitled and like spoiled brats, constantly whining about their life. That latter simply isn’t true.
 
FWIW, I coach high school cheerleaders, so I spend a lot of time around high school girls. They ALL whine and complain about their stupid parents and their lot in life. Every. single. One. Yes, some more than others and some with more anger than others. Some I see do it to their parents face, some not.

But don’t fool yourselves into thinking that your kids don’t. It’s part of the process of growing up and apart from the parents.
They also whine and complain about their coaches and teachers. It’s part of nest spoiling process and separating themselves from the adults in their sphere.
 
Step 2: Don't ask for parenting advice on Disboards. Whatever you say, there will be people who made different parenting decisions than you and will be judgmental about YOUR parenting choices.

Step 3: Look for parenting advice from people you know in real life. People who actually KNOW you.

Step 4: Remember that EVERYBODY comes to this type of discussion with their own biases, which will impact the advice they give.

Step 5: Take all of the advice here with a grain of salt.

Step 6: You no longer have to JADE to use (justify, argue, defend, explain). I mean, the comments here have run the gamut from "You're way too controlling and it's almost child abuse" to "You're not strict enough and you're coddling your daughter." :rotfl:
 

I always find it baffling when people come here to complain about a situation that isn't working well and then just dig in their heels when presented with advice. Like, do you want things to change or not? If you want things to be different, you need to be willing to think differently about the situation. Otherwise, you're just looking for validation.
 
Usually it's written in the insurance paperwork about notifying them of new drivers.
The insurance companies here do an address search of DMV records on the home addresses of all their policyholders. If the DMV has a dependent's address info (for a license or even a state ID card) then the insurance company knows they they are there.
Sure, I think we all know that you need add a teen who has a permit or license to your policy. But the post DLGal quoted mentioned the insurance company automatically adding anyone in the household age 16 and older. Not every 16 year old has a permit or license, so why would they automatically be added to your insurance policy?

Maybe I’m old school, being 71, with grown daughters but. I honestly don’t understand the deference most people are giving to this spoiled brat.
...
thsts what teenage girls do…whine and complain because their life is awful, their parents are stupid and mean and they want to be ‘free’. It’s our job as parents to redirect thst built in *****iness toward learning what freedom really means.
To the first part, I'm not willing to assume that she is a "spoiled brat" based on the posts. To me, it seemed like the OP really just wanted to complain and be validated because she assumed everyone was going to jump on the "ugh, teenagers are awful" bandwagon.

As to the second part, I simply do not believe "that's what teenage girls do". I have raised two and been around countless others. They are absolutely not all bratty whiners who think their parents are stupid and mean. Honestly, I think that assumption is what causes most of the issues. If that's the attitude you approach every teen with, I think they will notice that and respond accordingly.
 
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Sure, I think we all know that you need add a teen who has a permit or license to your policy. But the post DLGal quoted mentioned the insurance company automatically adding anyone in the household age 16 and older. Not every 16 year old has a permit or license, so why would they automatically be added to your insurance policy?
There have been so many varied posts on this that I'm going to assume it must very by state or by insurance company. With our 3, they had to be added once they got a full license, but not if they only had a permit.
 
There have been so many varied posts on this that I'm going to assume it must very by state or by insurance company. With our 3, they had to be added once they got a full license, but not if they only had a permit.
With ours (several different companies over the years of our teenagers), you were supposed to notify the insurance company when they had their permit, but they were not listed as an actual driver on the policy and you did not have to pay anything until they got their full license.

It just seems bizarre that anyone would be required to pay insurance for someone who is 16+ but does not drive. I know some adults who have never had a license. Should their spouse be required to include them on their car insurance even though they cannot and do not drive?
 
Sure, I think we all know that you need add a teen who has a permit or license to your policy. But the post DLGal quoted mentioned the insurance company automatically adding anyone in the household age 16 and older. Not every 16 year old has a permit or license, so why would they automatically be added to your insurance policy?
TLDR: Comment prompted due to side conversations occurring. Read the longer part of the post for more details but if the insurance company is making you add your teen in (for whatever reason we'll say) and the teen doesn't have any money for a reason (like in the OP's case they won't allow the teen to get a job) treat it like a par for the course of parent and insurance stuff. If the teen has a job, is making money to realistically pay for entirely or a portion and they are driving sure def. switch to having it be their responsibility. It is under certain circumstances literally what parents do expenses. Can't blame a teen if they are prevented from having money to pay for something out of their control. That's not a life lesson there, that's just being spiteful.


Well I didn't say they would get automatically like they are ultra snooping around. But there are ways things get found out or ways in which you'll be considered obligated to notify.

In some states you're just required to do so. Like I said I can't remember which one but when you sign up for insurance you sign a paper stating here's all the exposures in the household under penalty of perjure which do include all household members (which yes included your non-driving teen). Sometimes it's discovered as a result of your CLUE (Comprehensive Loss Underwriting Exchange) report when you move from insurance company to insurance company and the system prompts especially if the person was added there and had a permit number (dealt with that quite a lot) listed. Accidents are quite common to find a person. In fact towards the later part of being at the insurance company they used an underwriting claims macro that would automatically add the unrated driver to the policy upon renewal and I would gather the information was obtained from accident reports and interviews. That was actually a way so us in underwriting didn't have to do non-renewals or cancel with legal notice as much as we did in the past. Most of the non-renewals I did were for unrated driver exposures quite a lot for the teen driver. If that teen driver held a permit it would follow this point below:

There basically was a way the teen wouldn't be rated because their status would be listed as PERMITTED but as I was explaining the insurance company I worked for that was only allowed for 1 term (be it 6 months or 12 months) and after that it didn't matter if the driver had actually obtained their full license if they were 16 years or older they were rated on the policy. That part def. varies all around but it was an example of when someone may technically still only have a permit but actually be rated on the policy. Believe me not a lot of agents liked explaining to their insureds why Susie who is 17 but doesn't have a license yet but only a permit will be rated on their policy. Things may have changed but that was how it was with the insurance company and how they were filed with the state's they wrote in for their DOI.


I always caution and did so in my comment everyone should read their policy back for the information as it pertains to their state, their insurance company and the auto product they are in but the very idea isn't crazy.

The actual reason why I first commented about it is because of a poster or posters talking about requiring the parent to pay for car insurance as if that's a given. The reason I commented is because like I said in my comment sometimes it's required to add the driver in irrespective of their full license status, irrespective of if they have a car and irrespective if they drive said car. So yes a parent may still be required to pay for car insurance through no fault of their own and not the fault of the teen. It quite literally often comes with the territory of teen drivers and insurance companies that you may end up paying for them. In other words it's not always a life lesson to be taught to teach them to pay. I'm totally down for a teen to pay for their own insurance but be realistic in that they should have the funds to pay and realistically be utilizing the driving part if they are going to pay. Making them pay a portion of the car insurance when it's just a matter of regulatory or insurance company reasons wouldn't be fair IMO. That's really why I commented, the comment I saw that prompted it was really more "And parents are just expected to pay for car, insurance, college… those are “what parents do” expenses?? I mean sure, some do, but certainly not all, and not all can afford to do so." And I was more specifically speaking insurance.
 
I know some adults who have never had a license. Should their spouse be required to include them on their car insurance even though they cannot and do not drive?
Spouses are often treated as one in the same entity (that became really important when same-sex marriage was legalized) so yes usually you need to have your spouse be listed on your policy. Depending on the state and their driver's license status (meaning do they only have a state id that lists them as non-driver) you may have the option to list them as non-driver or exclude them but for spouses that was fairly rare because again you were considered one entity. For an adult who has never had a driver's license but has a state ID yes they would have to be listed on the policy if they are an exposure to the household (at least at the insurance company I worked for) but depending on the state and the way the insurance company was filed you may be able to list them as non-driver or exclude them. In the olden days there was a code for Disabled but that largely went away. And don't even get me started on the fiasco we ran into all the time with a Registered Owner and listing on insurance policy. That was normally a headache of epic proportions because usually a Registered Owner can't be excluded because they have ownership of the vehicle. People also confuse exclusion thinking it means something else even when they sign a piece of paper that says under no circumstances will you be covered if this excluded driver drives the car and gets into an accident. Yes many people still think the insurance company should cover them.

All this stuff is way above what most people even think about, and it's filled with jargon, and filled with specifics to insurance company rules that someone else may never encounter. And it's def. a lot more into the subject that I think it was ever intended to be :flower3:
 
Thank heavens I didn't have to put up with a selfish, self-centered, demanding teen. This girl meets her little brother's bus 3 days a week and stays with him and the other child (maybe... or is the youngest in day care?) for 20 minutes on those days, until dad gets home. She gets paid $40 a week for an hour of work. Even with an additional hour one weekend a month when the parents' schedules overlap, that means this kid is being paid $160 a month for 5 hours of work, because of the structure of the parents' work schedules. If she really wanted a JOB she'd get a JOB with hours she could work, with a transportation arrangement that was manageable (no teen in CT is gonna ride a bike to work); she only wants the day care job so she can hang out with her friends. Sorry... family first, and the family needs her help so the parents can earn the living that keeps the roof over everyone's heads, keeps food on the table, a car on the road (which, as it is insured for the teen, I will assume she is allowed to drive).
 
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Thank heavens I didn't have to put up with a selfish, self-centered, demanding teen. This girl meets her little brother's bus 3 days a week and stays with him and the other child for 20 minutes on those days, until dad gets home. She gets paid $40 a week for an hour of work. Even with an additional hour one weekend a month when the parents' schedules overlap, that means this kid is being paid $160 a month for 5 hours of work, because of the structure of the parents' work schedules. If she really wanted a JOB she'd get a JOB with hours she could work, with a transportation arrangement that was manageable (no teen in CT is gonna ride a bike to work); she only wants the day care job so she can hang out with her friends. Sorry... family first, and the family needs her help so the parents can earn the living that keeps the roof over everyone's heads, keeps food on the table, a car on the road (which, as it is insured for the teen, I will assume she is allowed to drive).
And thank heavens I didn’t have parents like this.
 
I'd like to add to my earlier post. I think the main problem here is a lack of respect that the parent showed to his daughter. He was wrong from the start assuming that she would be available to babysit and then wrong again when he got ad that she had plans. It was wrong to promise money for a trip (with no strings attached up front) and then renege on that promise because she wouldn't drop her plans for his. Since she was already watching her siblings after school, she likely would have watched them so her parents could go out to dinner IF she didn't have plans already for something that couldn't be postponed. The parents' anniversary dinner could have been moved to another night or they could have just gone ahead and asked the grandmother instead of making a scene with their DD as that's what they ended up doing anyway. At 17 I'm sure there are some issues with attitude at times, but at 17 she needs to be able to make plans and decisions for herself. If she doesn't do it now within the relative safety of living at home, she will not be prepared to do so when she leaves home for college in the very near future.

Do you recall where the post is about trip and anniversary dinner was? I miss that.
 
Thank heavens I didn't have to put up with a selfish, self-centered, demanding teen.

Not sure why you are assuming that about the daughter. Nothing is said about her behaviour in general, other than the all-important "child care issue". This "teen" might do laundry, cook dinner, take out the garbage, clean the house, feed the pets and pay the bills for all we know. The OP did not slag the daughter (which seems like she would have to bolster her case). So there is no reason think she is "selfish, self-centred, or demanding." She wants some freedom and a job! Oh the humanity!
 
Some of you can't see the forest through the trees. It isn't just about picking up the sibling and watching them for a few hours a week. It's that the parents aren't allowing her to pursue her own job in order to do it. They are forcing their responsibility of taking care of their children onto their oldest child. It's the parents making decisions for their 17 year old that she should be allowed to be making for herself (barring some illegal and dangerous activities). My goodness all she wants is a real job, one that allows her some financial independence and *gasp* to work with her friends. I can't get over the posters who think that makes her some spoiled selfish entitled brat. It must be a generational thing, maybe some of you see children as indentured servants that are required to always be there to work for you because you provide for them. Things you get to control until they move out.
I am more of the I provide things for my child because I want to parent. I don't expect them to pay me back and I don't hold what I've given them over their heads when they want to do something perfectly normal like want some freedom and independence going into adulthood.
 
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Do you recall where the post is about trip and anniversary dinner was? I miss that.

I deleted my post that you quoted because I realized I was commenting on a story that a friend posted on FB. Similar issue of parents expecting the DD to babysit and I mixed them up. Thanks for asking me about it.
 
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