Teen daughter - vent

[Lilsia]

You are the parent, you are supposed to support her and pay for things, ESPECIALLY since you won't let her get a job. And I don't agree with having older siblings taking care of their younger siblings. The occasional babysitting if mom and dad want to go out to dinner, but not acting like a nanny. You are acting as if your love and support is conditional on her acting like a third parent in the house and that is not fair. Not only are you driving a wedge between her and yourselves, but also between her and her siblings. I understand being stressed and frustrated, but your issue is not truly with your daughter. And you are just making your relationship worse with your actions.

 

[QueenIsabella]

The OP said that the DD will be commuting to State U in the fall. This is probably why Mom is working to buy the DD a car. Might it be worthwhile to consider having DD live on campus? Was she the one who wanted to commute? I don't know the finances (and I'm not asking), but living on campus could provide her with more opportunities for independence, and to join campus activities.

My DD18 lives on campus locally. She has access to one of our cars, mostly because she retained her Starbucks job (it's not far, but not easily commutable by bike or public transportation). We wanted her to have a taste of independence--she does her laundry, she pays for books and gas, she has to manage her time and deal with her roommate and handle communal living.

At this point, I think there needs to be a serious discussion about family needs versus teen's needs and wants. The OP comes across as if a lot of things are being dictated (get a job! No, not THAT job!). It may be in how she expresses herself. I'm NOT saying that the OP is a horrible mom, but we're only hearing the one side of things. And I certainly understand that parenting teens can be frustrating even when you're not dealing with other kids, an "essential" job, a pandemic, and whatever else might be on the OP's plate that isn't mentioned because it's not directly relevant.

 

[Lilsia]

I'm sure you're an excellent Mom and your husband an excellent Dad, but comments like these aren't helpful.

What is your husband saying exactly? Because your daughter wants to get an 5 day a week after school job at a daycare center and the fact that she has apparently gotten good enough grades throughout high school to get accepted to college, she should maybe join the Marines because, "she doesn't want to babysit her siblings".

I don't get it!

My dad used to threaten to send us to Boystown when we would commit the offense of not cleaning our rooms up to his standards. And that made us horrible children. Words like this matter and are never forgotten.

 

[Lilsia]

I think it’s just telling that this ONE job is the only one she cares about pursuing. No, I don’t blame her for wanting to work with her friends. However I don’t think that desire should come before responsibility to her family - which is, quite frankly, pretty minimal responsibility. Again, if she really wants this freedom, individuality, money, etc., she could get another job. Heck, she could have had one in the fall (and probably already have a car, and be able to take the daycare job) but she didn’t want to have to work in the morning. I mean c’mon.

Another way to look at this is that maybe the daughter wants that particular job because she is unsure of herself and having anxiety about actually getting a job. Having her friends there is a buffer to make her more comfortable with the job. As you said, if she really wanted any job, she would not have those excuses. Mom and Dad should sit with her and have a frank conversation. It could be that she is just "spoiled", but it sounds like there is more going on.

 

[Lilsia]

To those with younger kids who cannot imagine growing apart from their children- a handful of those we know who are in college choose not to go home for Christmas. They were wanted, money wasn’t an issue, but they choose not to be there. This possibility seems impossible till you watch it happen, watch it even happen to families that were amazingly close and then poof- those students made other plans. For myself I have a soon to be 20 yo. I can see the sand so to speak falling through the hourglass before home might not be her first excited thought on breaks. I suggest doing what you can within reason to keep that sand slipping as slow as possible.

Do what is in your power to make home feel like the safest place to be, the place she knows she is heard, and loved.


A job with friends, why not? and let her figure out transportation etc, believe she is capable. She’s got this!

I love this so much. We have a 19 & 20 yo and they have cousins the same age. Our kids are going to school, work part time and are still home with us. We all get along great and they pitch in. Recently, my SIL who has the kids the same age but are working instead of college and are moved out with room mates, asked us why our kids still live with us and snickered as if there was something wrong with that. I told her it is because they like us and we like them. Our kids understand and appreciate what we are giving them, free room and board, a car to use and insurance paid for. Also we are paying for a big chunk of college. We are not rich, but we have decided right from the start to only live within the means of my husband's paycheck and that anything that I make is extra to pay for things like college. We don't have a huge house or expensive cars, etc. But we also treat our kids like adults and have always had discussions with them about money and life in general. We also tried to encourage them to have fun as much as possible because life can be very hard.

 

[Southernmiss]

I love this so much. We have a 19 & 20 yo and they have cousins the same age. Our kids are going to school, work part time and are still home with us. We all get along great and they pitch in. Recently, my SIL who has the kids the same age but are working instead of college and are moved out with room mates, asked us why our kids still live with us and snickered as if there was something wrong with that. I told her it is because they like us and we like them. Our kids understand and appreciate what we are giving them, free room and board, a car to use and insurance paid for. Also we are paying for a big chunk of college. We are not rich, but we have decided right from the start to only live within the means of my husband's paycheck and that anything that I make is extra to pay for things like college. We don't have a huge house or expensive cars, etc. But we also treat our kids like adults and have always had discussions with them about money and life in general. We also tried to encourage them to have fun as much as possible because life can be very hard.

We have the same relationship with our kids who all work their tails off with schooland work.

Oldest is 27 and married. When his siblings (24,22,20) are home, he makes it a point to see them and US.

We enjoy having them around and helping them get their foundations started.

People in the US forget that in many cultures multiple generations live together and help each other out.

I do genealogy and many of my ancestors in the 1900s(grandparents included) did not get married until their 30s and went on to have several children and productive lives. They lived with parents and family members and all supported the farm.

 

[Lilsia]

We have the same relationship with our kids who all work their tails off with schooland work.

Oldest is 27 and married. When his siblings (24,22,20) are home, he makes it a point to see them and US.

We enjoy having them around and helping them get their foundations started.

People in the US forget that in many cultures multiple generations live together and help each other out.

I do genealogy and many of my ancestors in the 1900s(grandparents included) did not get married until their 30s and went on to have several children and productive lives. They lived with parents and family members and all supported the farm.

Growing up, you would always hear how parents want better for their children then they had. Maybe it is because my whole family came over from the old Country and came from nothing. But to me, that means helping them out as much as possible. That does not mean that it makes them spoiled, not when you have honest conversations with them and teach them about money and budgeting. Having them get a job and pay for a few things on their own right from the start is a good way for them the value of working for what you want. Right now, the OP's daughter does not have that. She sees watching her siblings as a burden that her friends do not have. As an adult, we don't see it that way, but how can we possibly think that this 17 can have the same perspective that her parent's have? Having her be more independent and making her own money will be good for her.

 

[Southernmiss]

Growing up, you would always hear how parents want better for their children then they had. Maybe it is because my whole family came over from the old Country and came from nothing. But to me, that means helping them out as much as possible. That does not mean that it makes them spoiled, not when you have honest conversations with them and teach them about money and budgeting. Having them get a job and pay for a few things on their own right from the start is a good way for them the value of working for what you want. Right now, the OP's daughter does not have that. She sees watching her siblings as a burden that her friends do not have. As an adult, we don't see it that way, but how can we possibly think that this 17 can have the same perspective that her parent's have? Having her be more independent and making her own money will be good for her.

Completely agree on all accounts.

Our kids started as soccer referees at age 12. Laid the basic foundation of what it means to have a job- be on time, be dependable, be polite, listen to the boss, dress appropriately, do the best you can, accept criticism, having a job can be hard, but worth it, etc. Having your own money to spend and save is pretty cool and liberating.

Not to mention the confidence, independence and pride in doing their job were a great self esteem booster.

 

[pindecisive]

My advice would be to take back the car, stop paying her insurance, and allow her to get a job and pay for everything herself.

My story is that my dad tried multiple times to force me to get a job from ages 16-18 with the intent that I give him my paycheck. My senior year I moved back in with my mother after he decided I would drop out of high school if I didn't get a part time job. 15 years later he died alone, having only seen me once in 10 years.

 

[Cheburashka]

Wow…ok..I guess I’m just totally wrong, lol. Didn’t expect everyone to take DD’s side but knew what I was getting into posting here. Was looking for outside eyes.

I do feel as though we tried to compromise with DD. She is so set on working at the daycare. Hours are 3-6, Mon-Fri. Dh gets home after 4. She has no way to get there. It is 2 miles away and I guess she could walk but we live in CT. Walking 2 miles in the winter on busy roads doesn’t sound like the best idea to me.

She does not have a car yet. She is added on our insurance and would need to use one of our cars. She can’t just work there on certain days.

Another issue is grades. Her grades aren’t always the best. She barely maintains them now and doesn’t work. Not sure how she will manage not to fail if she starts working.

We have said all along she can work weekends. I even pointed out sign at a pizza place a few months ago looking for help and said that would be a good option. They probably need help weekends. She didn’t want to work there.

As far as watching the kids I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. She walks 100 yards to DS bus stop. She zones out on her phone while DS watches cartoons until DH comes home 20 minutes later. She gets paid $40 a week to do this.

Yes, she had to watch her siblings 1 day of her break. She has 11 other days to do what she wants.

She will go to college in the fall. Living home and going to state college was here choice. We will treat it as though she is not home and she will not be depended on to help with kids all at. They will both go to after school car.

1. It is in your daughter's best interest to begin building her professional work experience, and doing so in a gentle environment with friends would be perfect for her. Do not deny her this important opportunity that will help prepare her for real life. Let her take that job.

2. The job that she wants so much is an excellent incentive for her to earn good grades. Tell her that she must do well in school (whatever you know that means for her as different students have different abilities) if she is to continue with her job.

3. Monitoring her babysitting via webcam, then critiquing her less than enthusiastic performance, is intrusive and controlling. This was a red flag to me, an unhealthy situation that no one would want to be in, not even able to have a bit of privacy at home.

Pay for a babysitter or daycare, or have one parent take a cut in work hours. You are the parents, so it is your responsibility to care for your children. Having older children help out is good practice but only until it begins to infringe on their own development: socialization, learning important skills- both of which she would do with this new job. But it's exploitative (even if unintentional) to use a child for work when that interferes with the child's development.

 

[Karin1984]

I do genealogy and many of my ancestors in the 1900s(grandparents included) did not get married until their 30s and went on to have several children and productive lives. They lived with parents and family members and all supported the farm.

Just wanted to say that people in the 1900s stayed with their parents and got married late because pay was so low it took time to save up money to get your own place. If you could afford it at all.

These people didnt have a lot of options, as childcare wasn't invented yet

Nowadays there are options.

 

[Cheburashka]

Kids, even teenagers, need to be taught that they are part of a family, and need to pull together when needed. They also need to understand that nobody owes them a car, or even money for college for that matter.

I disagree that parents have no responsibility to help a child get through college.

 

[tcufrog]

Ah, the ad hominem attack…. Shockingly, many people actually stick to their ideals rather than caving at the first sign of a problem. That’s why my kids still have zero social media, don’t play violent video games, etc., etc., and I know many other parents in the same situation. What’s more interesting is that my kids would be the first ones to tell you that they are GLAD about that and point to kids at school who have issues with various things we’ve limited their access to, or other larger issues. I guess the important thing is to discuss things in a rational way from a young age. I mean what really has changed that makes it a horrible thing to suggest that a teenager watching her siblings instead of getting a job is fine? Nothing good, that’s what.

I do think that part of parenting is flexibility and showing a willingness to reevaluate a situation as things change. For example, our family rule is that you get a cell phone when you need one to communicate with us and you don't have a reliable way to do so. My older son first got access to a phone when he was 10 because I was dropping him off at swim school and my DH was picking him up. One evening, my DH got stuck in traffic and didn't have a way to reach our son and let him know. We immediately got him a phone for those times and cancelled it once he stopped swim school. Now that he's in 9th grade and is in marching band and attending high school at 3 campuses, he has a cell phone again. There have been many times this school year when we were very glad he had the phone too. Recently, though he broke the phone through negligance. He needed a phone so we replaced it with the cheapest phone money could buy and put him on a capped date plan instead of the unlimited family share plan. He runs out of date for the month, tough luck or he pays for it.

As for social media, we have the same rule. When marching band started, he asked us if he could join Instagram because that's the only way his squad leader communicates with the rest of the squad. Keeping him off of it would make it very difficult to perform that job. So we set some ground rules. We wouldn't snoop but if we had concerns he had to show us his account. We gave him examples of concerns so he knew we wouldn't be capricious.

You suggested to your daughter that DD was hiring. She was concerned that the hours would be too early, and she didn't even know how to make coffee. First, many places aren't going to hire her for just weekends because they need workers every day. DD can't hire her for before-school work because of child labor laws. Most states won't let 17 and under work before 6 am during the school week so they won't even consider her for school mornings. After school, yes. Your daughter needs to understand also that just because she doesn't know how to make coffee doesn't mean she cannot learn. She needs to understand that any job she takes she going to have to be trained - even working at the daycare.

Both you, your DH and your daughter need to sit down and not only listen to each other, but truly hear what the other side is saying. Otherwise, there is only going to be even more resentment on both sides.

That's not necessarily true. I have a friend whose daughter works the morning shift every Saturday at Krispy Kreme and that's it. They were having trouble finding someone who would reliably take the shift and so they were happy when my friend's daughter applied.

 

[mjkacmom]

The OP said that the DD will be commuting to State U in the fall. This is probably why Mom is working to buy the DD a car. Might it be worthwhile to consider having DD live on campus? Was she the one who wanted to commute? I don't know the finances (and I'm not asking), but living on campus could provide her with more opportunities for independence, and to join campus activities.

My DD18 lives on campus locally. She has access to one of our cars, mostly because she retained her Starbucks job (it's not far, but not easily commutable by bike or public transportation). We wanted her to have a taste of independence--she does her laundry, she pays for books and gas, she has to manage her time and deal with her roommate and handle communal living.

At this point, I think there needs to be a serious discussion about family needs versus teen's needs and wants. The OP comes across as if a lot of things are being dictated (get a job! No, not THAT job!). It may be in how she expresses herself. I'm NOT saying that the OP is a horrible mom, but we're only hearing the one side of things. And I certainly understand that parenting teens can be frustrating even when you're not dealing with other kids, an "essential" job, a pandemic, and whatever else might be on the OP's plate that isn't mentioned because it's not directly relevant.

I think she said CC.

 

[jo-jo]

I disagree that parents have no responsibility to help a child get through college.

Curious, how far does that go. Do you say, I'll pay for a local school, live at home or I'll pay X amount toward school?

I mean many schools are higher than people make in a year.

 

[VandVsmama]

Curious, how far does that go. Do you say, I'll pay for a local school, live at home or I'll pay X amount toward school?

I mean many schools are higher than people make in a year.

It's one of those things where "your mileage may vary" based on your family's individual and unique situation/scenario.

 

[Southernmiss]

Curious, how far does that go. Do you say, I'll pay for a local school, live at home or I'll pay X amount toward school?

I mean many schools are higher than people make in a year.

One could also argue that because schools are more than one could make in a year is a reason to help their children with college.

I suspect our family is like many who want their children's Iives to be better than their's.

College was much more affordable in the late 80s than today. One could work their way through school. Dh did. And I did through 3 years.

For our 4, we told them scholarships would be they way to go to universities. They got 4 year full ride scholarships. Oldest also got his masters paid for. We felt like we won the lottery, as we know full scholarships are not easy to get.

Our 2nd son is in a doctoral program for pharmacy. Graduates in May. Hopefully, he'll find a job. But he will have about $75,000 in loans for these last 3 years.

We have helped with living expenses, cars, insurance, cell phones and continued family health insurance and paid medical bills.

And are thankful we can.

3rd son wants to be a physician. He's living back at home and working 60 hours plus as a tech in an ER to save $ as he applies to medical school. When he gets into med school, we'll continue to do the same as the 2nd son.

Our daughter is still in school and we cover the same as above.

Had scholarships not been available to them, we have good community colleges and some trades in our area. And there are many from our family who have gone into the military.

They knew their options growing up.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Sorry, I'm on the daughter's side. You keep acting like providing her with things that all parents provide means she isn't allowed to want to grow up and want to do things that other kids her age are doing. You want to punish her for wanting to get a job? Seriously? Her siblings are YOUR responsibility, not hers. They're YOUR kids, not hers. You're the one that sounds ungrateful. Seriously, you're complaining because during Christmas break she had a lazy day? OMG string her up!

 

[Cheburashka]

Curious, how far does that go. Do you say, I'll pay for a local school, live at home or I'll pay X amount toward school?

I mean many schools are higher than people make in a year.

I said "help a child get through college". For different people, that will mean different things. Typically a FAFSA is filled out to see what student aid the child qualifies for, and that pays for part, and the parents also contribute some based on their ability. Parents should do what they can within reason to help a child finance their higher education. It isn't just a luxury in today's world. Yes, some people can get well-paying jobs without one, but not everyone is cut out for those types of jobs. The reality is that we live in a world where having or not having a college degree makes a big difference to most people's futures, so it shouldn't be treated like some optional frill that parents have no responsibility to help with.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I do agree let the daughter apply for the daycare job. I was a SAHM and drove my kids friends all over the place and loved doing it. I knew their friends well and learned a lot listening to them talk. she can give them gas money or you can be part of the drive home carpool.