Teen daughter - vent

[DisneyHardin]

I don't think it will be easy or cheap for the OP to arrange childcare. BTDT. Even if she does after school care, that still leaves the 4 year old needing a sitter three times a week. It's likely to add more money and more time (to/from, getting kid ready to go) to the OP's family budget and schedule. I definitely think that's what they should do, but it's not as simple as 1 hour a week.

I got the impression that the 4 years old is at day care and the afternoon 30 minutes is just the brother. I assume the 1 hour a month on the weekend is probably both kids.

 

[Karin1984]

I thought Sk!mom had a good question about being a step-daughter. I still read a lot of resentment in the OP's posts. She may just be tired, frustrated burned out, and that's what's coming through. We're all struggling these days--I don't mean it as criticism so much as, the OP might want to see if her attitude is contributing to her frustration. It happens to the best of us.

This, and for her to keep in mind, so is the daughter. Being a teenager is never easy, but it is rough during a pandemic.

 

[1GoldenSun]

I just wish my teen daughter wanted to get a job. But no, that would interfere with her fun time. I have to remind her multiple times to do the few chores she is responsible for.

Agh...teenagers.

 

[mjkacmom]

She may surprise you. My DD was a competitive swimmer through high school and practiced nearly 20 hours per week and swam meets 1-2 times a month. She had a very limited time to do homework so that's when she did it. She started college and we encouraged her to not work so she could dedicate more time to her studies. Instead, she dedicated more time to goofing off. My DD got a job the summer between freshman and sophomore year and it turned out that she *needed* a job to help focus her studies.

All of my kids were super over scheduled (job, 3 season varsity sports, dance, never home) and had great grades due to great time management skills which helped in college. Most of them, as young adults, prefer to be busy all of the time, dd20 especially (drives her boyfriend crazy with her sorority responsibilities, club running captain, dance president, part time job, college, gym) but that’s who she us. She lives by her agenda pad and it’s open all of the time. She recently flew to Italy for 3 days to visit a friend - and got home in time for thanksgiving. Ds18 is horrible with too much free time, nothing gets done. Covid school was a nightmare.

 

[tzolkin]

You think the parents should pay her $500/month to watch her younger brother for 1 hour/week? Holy moly, I'll be glad to babysit for $125/hour - sign me up!!

That's actually not what I said. I was referring to how the OP claims they are compensating the teen by "paying for everything for her" and that they are putting money toward a car and college. My $6k example was just a random amount that they may have saved for car/college tuition within a one year period. It could be $3k or $1k, I have no idea. The point was really just that whatever amount of money they are saving FOR the daughter, they could let her learn how to budget and manage her own finances instead of them paying directly for the car, insurance, tuition, etc.

That said, regarding the number of hours... the OP says teen is expected to pick the brother up three days per week and also help out on weekends and other days when the parents need childcare due to their schedules so I definitely believe it's more than an hour of work per week. Even the first post says its "about an hour" between the parent's shifts (so that's 3hr+). The "only 20 minutes" came later in the posts once everyone started commenting about how the teen shouldn't be expected to provide childcare so I got the impression the OP was trying to downplay the amount of time. Daughter also has to walk to and from the bus stop, wait for the bus to arrive, and then watch for "about twenty minutes" until the other parent gets home (which could be much longer if they also run errands or stay late at work since they know they have a sitter).

Even if by some chance it really only is 20min at a time, there's a huge difference in my opinion between doing something three days per week and one full hour. If I were going to pay someone to pick my child up three days per week, I would not add all the times together and then pay them one hourly rate-- I would pay them for each instance even if each did not take a full hour (so would pay for 3hr minimum). If someone asked me if I could help them out with childcare and that they only needed help for 1hr a week, I would certainly not ever fathom that they meant they needed me to help three separate days during the week.

 

[Donald13]

Fwiw, I never said you were a bad mom. I think you should hire a sitter and not expect your older child to do all the work.

 

[kymom99]

One point that no one has brought up: “laying around” for hours on the couch is a classic symptom of depression.

PLEASE prioritize your daughter’s mental health. Being a teenage girl sucks enough without some of the issues highlighted here. I don’t think if 10 years from now when she’s an independent adult and doesn’t want to come home because she resents you that you’d be okay with that.

For the record my parents also made me get a job at 16 but I didn’t get a car, or have college paid for, because they couldn’t afford that. What they did was teach me work ethic and learning from the MANY financial mistakes I made when I was young, and now at 36 I run circles around my peers who had those things handed to them by their middle class parents. There really is something to be said for letting her earn and pay for those things herself.

I’d like to bring up the mental health aspect as well. It may seem like no big deal, but kids who are not involved in something outside of school are rarely happy. My son’s principal back in high school talked about setting up meetings with kids who didn’t have any connections to their school. He felt that kids who do something, anything, are more successful than those who show up for classes and leave every day. To illustrate this, my son’s friend had struggles with depression, and he didn’t like anything. He didn’t join any clubs or participate in sports. His grades were terrible. The kids commented that he always complained about how unfair everything was and then proceeded to steal from his family. He eventually got caught shop lifting. His mom asked me once about chores because he complained he had to cut the grass even though she paid him to do it. I have no idea if this young person has any of these struggles but it’s something to consider.

I’ll still say the OP needs to stop paying for everything. Let the daughter do some of these things for herself.

 

[lifesavacation]

I got the impression that the 4 years old is at day care and the afternoon 30 minutes is just the brother. I assume the 1 hour a month on the weekend is probably both kids.

I don't know. There's not much talk about the 4 year old. Just that the daughter watches both of the siblings. If they already have the 4 year old in daycare, then it really isn't a big deal for the OP to put the 7 year old in after school care and let the teen get a job. The 7 year old would probably love to stay after school and play with his friends instead of going home. Win for everyone.

 

[Christine]

Might be a good point to refresh the particulars as it's getting confusing:

She has to pick up DS 3 days a week from the bus stop.

About once a month DH and I overlap weekends we work. He works day shift and I work third shift specifically so she only has to watch them like an hour between DH and I not being home. (So one hour once a month).
....she had to watch the kids one day during Xmas break. She laid around all day while DS7 pretty much took care of himself and DD4. He got their cereal for lunch, snacks, drinks etc. (have cameras in living room and dining room)

She gets paid $40 a week to do this. (I'm reading "this" to be walking to the the bus stop 100 yards away and watching the son for 20 minutes until dad gets home. Plus the one hour, once a month on the weekends where their shifts overlap.)

Sounds like the younger, 4 year old, is only there during the once a month, weekend stint.

 

[Travel60]

I'm going to come from two perspectives here.

First, my parents owned several businesses. My dad believed that money paid to someone outside the family was money the family didn't have. We were put to work early. Plus, I was oldest and only female so I got babysitting duties when mom and dad were working at night. Nobody asked, we were told. To be fair, I did have Saturday, after giving bowling lessons to kids, and Sunday afternoon I could spend with friends. All my friends worked so I never felt taken advantage of.

Second, as parent of teens (now adult), in addition to chores, both worked at church which required getting there an hour before each service and staying til last people left. DD also umpired softball for county rec dept in the summer and babysat. Both involved in school sports and excellent students. DS very involved in active boy scout troop. So we didn't demand other jobs in the school year. The year DS graduated from high school, he seemed to think he was going to have the summer to lay around all day and play all night while his dad and I worked. He had been accepted to top notch and expensive university. We told him he could do volunteer work or paying work but if he wasn't working there would be no money for college. If he worked, all expenses would be paid and money he earned would be his. He got a job doing construction and worked it for 3 summers. He learned SO much he is using now as a new homeowner!

Bottom line from my perspective is that life requires work, families require cooperation. I think daughter will figure out that daycare is hard work and messy.

 

[lifesavacation]

now if she had a friend who could pick her up for work at daycare I might think twice - though I think we all know how tiring that job will be and I bet she doesnt last a month.

Most of the daughter's friends work at the daycare (per the OP) so she could ask to get a ride with one of them. Or she could walk or ride a bike. She may even be able to take a school bus since it's after school.

 

[kerry1379]

OP-I can see both sides.
From what I think is your view point: I agree-family pulls together and helps each other out. And sometimes that means doing things you don't want or are not your first choice because it helps the family. It is called pulling your weight and is a good lesson for real life. And if your daughter was a bit younger, I would say that you do not have unrealistic expectations. Something I haven't seen in the prior comments (but I might have missed), is that finding after school child care is not a small feat and is also very expensive. So I can see the hesitation on why you wouldn't want your daughter to work for say $10-$15/hour at another job when you now get to pay much more in childcare. I guess one question I have is-can you afford the increase in childcare that daycare will cost? I also find it odd that your daughter's first choice in job is the daycare when she dislikes watching her own siblings so much. 2 kids vs many more; siblings that may or may not respect her but seem generally well behaved vs. several kids who may not do either; and laying on the couch vs actively go-go-go. I expect social reasons are why she wants to work there since you mentioned her friends work there but does she realize that when she is working, she will likely get very little time to talk to co-workers except for breaks. I would talk with her to make sure she understands what the daycare job will realistically look like. That might also be a lesson she just has to experience for herself.

From what I think is her view point: She is 17 and wants more control of her life and wants to be considered in the decision making. I would suggest laying it all out in a discussion with you, your spouse, and your daughter. Bring up costs and what is currently unchangeable. Then bring up things that might have a compromise and then work together and see what those compromises could be. Involve her in the decision making. My son was adamant about a job that we could not provide transportation for. We asked him to come up with a solution. He did-he had to take public transportation for part of the way and then bike the rest (and make sure the bus could accomodate the bike)-but he did the research and practiced the route before hand. I was very impressed with his hard work. Maybe something like that could work out for your daughter, or maybe she could work out car pools with friends? But I would leave the research and arranging to her. If she wants it, she needs to research how it can be done. (She needs to run it by you though to make sure it is safe and y'all are ok with it.)

SIde personal note: As I have mentioned several times on this board-I have a son with severe disability. I can't just "find a sitter." So I understand more than most just how valuable siblings can be in helping with care. But I have also heard many stories from others about resentment building when siblings are just expected to provide childcare. So I have always tried to be aware of my other children's thoughts and feelings on the matter. Where possible, I ask-and I respect their answer and don't guilt them into it. And I am sure to pay them for their time and efforts. It is a hard line to walk but I think it is important in making those family bonds stronger.

Good luck OP. I wish you the best in finding a solution!

 

[sam_gordon]

I’ll still say the OP needs to stop paying for everything. Let the daughter do some of these things for herself.

With what money? She's not able to get a job. Yes, the OP suggested a pizza place for weekend work which the daughter wasn't interested in. I'm not surprised. My kids weren't and aren't interested in working fast food either (except younger DD wants to work at Subway when she gets old enough). Oldest DD ended up at Little Ceasars (Pizza place) after applying a bunch of places and not getting accepted. DS works at HomeGoods, and worked the concession stand at the local pool over the summer.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Might be a good point to refresh the particulars as it's getting confusing:

She has to pick up DS 3 days a week from the bus stop.

About once a month DH and I overlap weekends we work. He works day shift and I work third shift specifically so she only has to watch them like an hour between DH and I not being home. (So one hour once a month).
....she had to watch the kids one day during Xmas break. She laid around all day while DS7 pretty much took care of himself and DD4. He got their cereal for lunch, snacks, drinks etc. (have cameras in living room and dining room)

She gets paid $40 a week to do this. (I'm reading "this" to be walking to the the bus stop 100 yards away and watching the son for 20 minutes until dad gets home. Plus the one hour, once a month on the weekends where their shifts overlap.)

Sounds like the younger, 4 year old, is only there during the once a month, weekend stint.

It seems like the 17 year old is expected to be available whenever where ever needed. I do think the discussion about how much time can be important if it's trying to figure out what you would pay another person to do it but by in large this seems like the older siblings is just required to be standby period. If you hired someone to do that it'd be a lot of compensation needed because it prevents from other opportunities as well as living a fairly normal life. I'm pretty sure if something came up like a shift change for either of the parents the parents would expect the 17 year old to change their hours. By keeping the 17 year old out of a job (or making it incredibly difficult to get a job) it keeps the availability open for her to be on call.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I think there are probably some parents on the Dis thinking, " Why can't I have a kid eager to take some initiative like your daughter?"

 

[Sinder]

Wow. I am grateful for the responses. I really am. Apparently, I am just a horrible mother.

I am really shocked at some of the responses here. I certainly don’t resent DD bc she cost me money. I love her and really want her happy. As I said previously my grades tanked when I was forced to work at 16. I don’t want that for her.
She was given the chance to get a weekend job.

We are going to have to agree to disagree about her picking DS from the bus stop. It’s 20 minutes of her day 3 times a week. I think it’s a total waste of money to pay for after school care when she is home laying on the couch. If she choose to do sports, needed to stay after school or was able to find a job she could get to without DH or me having to drive her DS would go to after school.

I never expect her to be a nanny. I don’t make all the decisions for her.
I guess if she’s going to resent me about the bus pickup I can spend the money for after school for DS. She can lay on the couch for that extra hour.

I will talk to her when she wakes up. I will stress again that if she wants a job now it will have to be weekends. If her grades stay up she can look to work around our work schedule until she gets her own car.
Over the summer she will be free to get whatever job she wants since she will no longer watch the kids and will have a car.
I will have to look at my budget and she will have to pay towards the car and the insurance of a third car but we will look over that.

To the bolded- if you let her get a job then she wouldn't be home laying on the couch. You created that situation for her by not allowing her to get the job she wants. Sure you say you'd let her get a job on the weekends but she will still be obligated to do all those things for you.
You may not think you are making all the decisions for her but all your posts here say otherwise.

 

[lifesavacation]

I think there are probably some parents on the Dis thinking, " Why can't I have a kid eager to take some initiative like your daughter?"

Yes, this! She's clearly responsible enough to watch her two younger siblings. She also wants to get a job and has plans to go to college. She seems like a pretty good kid.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

Haven’t read the other answers, so I’ll go back & do that in a minute. But I’m on your daughter’s side in this.

First, thank you to you & your husband. Essential workers are the backbone. BUT, your younger kids are your responsibility, not hers. So you either pay her to watch them or you get alternate care if she declines. She is a teenager, not a parent.

And I say this as a parent of 4. My oldest often will watch her siblings for us. But I always ask her, not tell her. There have been times I’ve paid her because she’s cancelled plans to do it. She realizes there are unspoken benefits to helping us out, but I don’t hold them over her head. Her dad & I chose to have more children. That is on us, not her. Your daughter should not be treated like a 3rd parent.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

It's normal for your daughter to want some independence. You think she's being ungrateful because you don't require her to do very much in your eyes. Maybe meet in the middle. All this changes when she goes to college, anyway.

I get that the parents need to work, but still don't understand the expectations. An older sister is frankly neither a parent nor a full service babysitter. A 7 year old child is old enough to get his own lunch for one day, and get some for a younger sibling.

 

[jo-jo]

Is there a classmate parent or another close by teen that would be willing to get paid $40 a week for the after school part? The one hour a month over lap time, I'd think I'd hire a teen for 2 or 3 hours. Yes, the parents will be there part time, but they can use that child free time to do laundry, get dinner started etc. before they have to head out to work and the other parent gets home. That way daughter can get a job and use part of pay toward her car , insurance, etc.




Some people mention that car , insurance , college and wedding were a given. Those were not in our house. When I was a kid, I got nothing. In fact if we still lived at home after HS and got a job, we had to add to the house fund.

Our kids at that age (about 25 years ago), we paid for state schools, helped with cars and wedding, and I think we paid car insurance. They both started working after HS. and continued during college/tech school.