sure wish parents would watch their kids

[TipsyTraveler]

Are you saying anyone who has spanked their child isn't cut out to be a parent?

In this day and age? When there’s mountains of research about the negative effects and an abundance of resources available to learn alternative methods? But someone still chooses the lazy option?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

@Cannot_Wait_4Disney Question- is there a reason you keep putting mocking laughing emoji‘s on my comments?

Well you were in a pie fight about skin thickness. Now being curious as I am but not wanting to jump into a pie fight, I decided to devise a test. I gave you both laughs.

Suffice to say my curiosity has been satisfied.

 

[dreamer17555]

May I ask what you're specifically looking for from them? (Please feel free to say no it's too uncomfortable to answer! - I'm asking because I know someone IRL who doesn't speak to her mom, and I can't really ask her about it.)

As I see it, there is no way for them to actually undo their mistakes now. So all their owning of it would do is leave them wallowing in guilt. How would that improve things in a practical sense? It seems to me that it would eat at you less to assume they did the best they could with the information they had, rather than to assume it was malicious.

But again, please take this as curiosity, not argument, and don't feel pressured.

I kind of just answered this with how I parented my own children but a simple acknowledgement that even if they were doing their best that yes, they hurt me and that hurt has lasting consequences.

I spent most of my life being told things like I only remember the bad stuff (not true) or it wasn’t that big of a deal (it was to me) that for either of them to simply take a moment to admit mistakes were made and the pain I felt from their choices was valid would do a lot to mending my relationship with them. I would feel seen.

I have spent years begging my parents to go to therapy but they don’t “want to drag up the bad stuff” and would rather sweep it under the rug. I desperately want connection and a good relationship with my parents but it is hard when they won’t meet you part way.

 

[sam_gordon]

In this day and age? When there’s mountains of research about the negative effects and an abundance of resources available to learn alternative methods? But someone still chooses the lazy option?

Is that a "yes"? Anyone who has spanked their child shouldn't have been a parent?

 

[dreamer17555]

Well you were in a pie fight about skin thickness. Now being curious as I am but not wanting to jump into a pie fight, I decided to devise a test. I gave you both laughs.

Suffice to say my curiosity has been satisfied.

Actually if you go back and read my post I never claimed to have thick skin I just asked why it’s needed. Also you laughed at my post sharing my abuse yesterday so clearly that was not a test…

 

[lowlight]

I lack what perspective? What it’s like to be so overwhelmed and unable to cope with my kids that I lose control and common sense and start physically lashing out at them? If child behavior has the ability to push you over the ledge like that, you probably aren’t cut out to be a parent. Stick with houseplants.

All perspective. Every ounce of it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think most feel the same, but I’m pretty sure every parent has had some moments during emotional times where they didn’t make the best choices with their words. It looks great in paper, but in some situations it’s really very hard, especially the teen years when they sometimes become aliens and you need to force yourself not to engage. Mine are pretty easy but have pushed my buttons more than anyone (as only someone you love so unconditionally can).

"Didn't make the best choices" ends up being the excuse and license to do xyz, I'm not saying people think that consciously rather subconsciously it allows actions to occur because of "it's really hard" or "in the moment" and I don't tend to see people when they talk about that discuss immediate attempts on their behalf to correct actions. It's usually done retrospectively long after actions occurred.

As far as the bolded I agree but that's what the parenting classes can help with and what seeking out knowledge can help with. We can't expect people to be perfect, it's not fair to put that on anyone. We need to promote more continual support. Who says parenting classes are just for soon to be parents? Who says you can't evaluate yourself with your teen and want to learn to adjust? Why do we make people feel that parenting class if only if you're viewed as a failure? Or that any help is if you're a failure?

 

[lowlight]

I'd be surprised to find ANY parent who says they've done everything perfectly. EVERYONE, myself included, would handle issues differently I'm sure.

Literally daily I self reflect and think about how I should have handled things differently as a parent. Mostly minor things, but some big ones. I’m more concerned that there are people who think they’ve done such a good job that they regret nothing. That’s some blinders.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I kind of just answered this with how I parented my own children but a simple acknowledgement that even if they were doing their best that yes, they hurt me and that hurt has lasting consequences.

I spent most of my life being told things like I only remember the bad stuff (not true) or it wasn’t that big of a deal (it was to me) that for either of them to simply take a moment to admit mistakes were made and the pain I felt from their choices was valid would do a lot to mending my relationship with them. I would feel seen.

I have spent years begging my parents to go to therapy but they don’t “want to drag up the bad stuff” and would rather sweep it under the rug. I desperately want connection and a good relationship with my parents but it is hard when they won’t meet you part way.

Thanks.

 

[dreamer17555]

I've said it before... the dynamic between you and and another adult is TOTALLY different than the dynamic between you and your child.

Aren’t we supposed to be modeling for our children what adult relationships will look like? Let’s put it this way is it acceptable for another child to scream and hit your child? No it is not. So why is it acceptable for a person in power like an adult to act that way to somebody weak like a child?

 

[sam_gordon]

Aren’t we supposed to be modeling for our children what adult relationships will look like? Let’s put it this way is it acceptable for another child to scream and hit your child? No it is not. So why is it acceptable for a person in power like an adult to act that way to somebody weak like a child?

And my answer remains... the dynamic between two people of "equal" standing (two adults or two children) is different than the dynamic of people of "different" standing (an adult and child). You can tell a child "Go to your room and don't come out for an hour!" Can you tell another adult that? What about your spouse? Can you take away your spouses phone or tablet? Why can you do so with a child?

 

[dreamer17555]

I'd be surprised to find ANY parent who says they've done everything perfectly. EVERYONE, myself included, would handle issues differently I'm sure.

I honestly think that’s great. Really.

But just know there are many parents out there that choose not to self reflect. My own parents are some and I am former friends with a mom whose child has gone ‘no contact’ and she can only see herself as a victim, she sadly won’t acknowledge mistakes were made on both sides.

I think as long as we are self evaluating as parents and seeing where we can improve, admitting where mistakes were made, and working hard to correct them that’s all anyone can ask.

 

[dreamer17555]

And my answer remains... the dynamic between two people of "equal" standing (two adults or two children) is different than the dynamic of people of "different" standing (an adult and child). You can tell a child "Go to your room and don't come out for an hour!" Can you tell another adult that? What about your spouse? Can you take away your spouses phone or tablet? Why can you do so with a child?

OK let’s go with your adult to child- would it be fine for a teacher to scream at and hit your child? What if it was a substitute teacher?

.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Can you take away your spouses phone or tablet? Why can you do so with a child?

That's a good point. I never felt comfortable taking away things that already belonged to my DS. It just didn't seem fair to me.

 

[disneychick0412]

I have this picture in my mind of a vehicle cutting the bus off, the bus driver has to slam on his brakes in order to avoid hitting them, and the children go flying to the front of the bus.

 

[sam_gordon]

OK let’s go with your adult to child- would it be fine for a teacher to scream at and hit your child? What if it was a substitute teacher?

Too situational for me to give an "all the time" answer. If my child was in danger of harming themselves or others, yelling might be appropriate (totally depends on the situation). As far as "hitting", I don't have a problem with it, ASSUMING the "punishment fit the crime".

Of course, I grew up when corporal punishment was allowed even through High School.

ETA: Now that I think about it, I feel I have pretty much answered just about every question asked of me. And I did so openly and honestly. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems my questions don't get answered and get met with a different set of questions.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Actually if you go back and read my post I never claimed to have thick skin I just asked why it’s needed. Also you laughed at my post sharing my abuse yesterday so clearly that was not a test…

What's it say when you can't handle a laugh emoji or two? And I don't think a good therapist would advise you to bear your soul on an internet message board.

Anyway I satisfied my curiosity.

 

[dreamer17555]

That's a good point. I never felt comfortable taking away things that already belonged to my DS. It just didn't seem fair to me.

I don’t really believe in sending my kids to their room or taking away their things. I let them deal with natural consequences. It means if they stay up all night they might be tired the next day. If they don’t unload the dishes I needed to make the dinner they wanted they might be making themselves dinner. Mine are older but it works well for us. YMMV

 

[dreamer17555]

What's it say when you can't handle a laugh emoji or two? And I don't think a good therapist would agree with bearing your soul on an internet message board.

Anyway I satisfied my curiosity.

My therapist actually encourages me to be as open as I feel comfortable with about the abuse I suffered. I think it’s something that shouldn’t be swept under the rug.

What does it say about you that you feel the need to leave mocking emojis on peoples comments?

 

[dreamer17555]

Too situational for me to give an "all the time" answer. If my child was in danger of harming themselves or others, yelling might be appropriate (totally depends on the situation). As far as "hitting", I don't have a problem with it, ASSUMING the "punishment fit the crime".

Of course, I grew up when corporal punishment was allowed even through High School.

ETA: Now that I think about it, I feel I have pretty much answered just about every question asked of me. And I did so openly and honestly. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems my questions don't get answered and get met with a different set of questions.

Actually I think I answered all of your questions that were directed to me but if I missed any let me know? I know you were chatting with another poster.

I actually even applauded you saying you were self reflective.

I don’t know how you determine that the punishment fits the crime but I guess that the grey area.

ETA- I see I didn’t answer your questions about if you can tell your spouse to go to their room or take their things away but I don’t parent my kids like that so I don’t understand that parenting either. I don’t send them to their rooms and I don’t take away their things I let them deal with natural consequences.

ETA 2- While I don’t send my kids to their rooms, I have often sent myself to my room so I can get a moment of peace and calm down. That modeling did sink in with my oldest who is much more likely to hit pause on a conversation if she feels herself or others getting heated (she does this with her friends too)