sure wish parents would watch their kids

[sam_gordon]

Yeah, spanking wouldn't work on my kid whose biggest behavioral problem so far has been hitting. All he'd learn is that he can hit, too.

DS had an issue with biting as a toddler. Enough so that he got kicked out of daycare for it. We tried all of the "non-violent" methods. We did not spank for that, because by the time we got him home, it was so far separated from the incident, we figured he wouldn't put the two together.

One time, while at home, he bit DW. DW bit back (never broke the skin). DS never bit again. True, pure anecdotal. But we figured, whether correctly or not, that he learned what it was like to BE bit.

 

[dreamer17555]

I have two adult children, both College educated and one is a pediatric occupational therapist. They would both tell you that they never got spanked, hit whatever, unless they deserved it and that they were never abused. Again, there is a distinction to be made between abuse and discipline. A parent should be allowed to discipline their child in the manner they see fit. There are clear laws on what constitutes abuse and if a parent is abusing a child than they should be criminally charged and the child removed. Abuse should never be tolerated.

Super curious- what makes any child deserving of being hit?

Your child who is the pediatric occupational therapist- would she recommend hitting any of her patients?

Also you didn’t answer my question. If they come to you say five years down the line and they have changed their mind and now see that that wasn’t OK what happened to them what would your reaction be?

There isn’t this standard line that this is abusive and this is not. There are things such as verbal abuse which will not get a child removed from the home but are not healthy or ok.

Also you would be surprised about what CPS will allow to keep reunification on the table… Trust me it is not a clear if you are abused you are forever removed from the home situation at all.

 

[nancipants]

DS had an issue with biting as a toddler. Enough so that he got kicked out of daycare for it. We tried all of the "non-violent" methods. We did not spank for that, because by the time we got him home, it was so far separated from the incident, we figured he wouldn't put the two together.

One time, while at home, he bit DW. DW bit back (never broke the skin). DS never bit again. True, pure anecdotal. But we figured, whether correctly or not, that he learned what it was like to BE bit.

I just calmly leave the room now. Stops his behavior pretty quickly as he does it for attention or because he's upset, then he runs out to hug me and we talk about WHY he's upset. It's gotten a lot better lately.

We also went through biting. Nothing stopped that except getting older.

 

[sam_gordon]

Your child who is the pediatric occupational therapist- would she recommend hitting any of her patients?

You keep bringing up the adults hitting adults. Do you not believe the dynamic is different?

 

[sam_gordon]

I just calmly leave the room now. Stops his behavior pretty quickly as he does it for attention, then he runs out to hug me. It's gotten a lot better lately.

So he still bites? Just not as often? And you think it's better for him to keep biting you? As I said, DW did a "reverse" bite ONCE. That was it. DS *NEVER* bit again.

 

[DCLMP]

Why not? Who wouldn't want to be held accountable for their actions? Do we not teach children they are accountable to their actions and tell them as they age the world too will hold them accountable for their actions? Are you saying you're above this? That your relationship with your children isn't open to feedback and honest conversation regarding their feelings? It's a bit of a mixed signal here. If your children felt in any way that something you did however minor it was really got to them why would you not want them to tell you this? I would think parents would want to be held to a standard otherwise I'm not sure what kind of person that ends up becoming and generally we frown upon those in society who refuse to be held accountable for their actions and would rather stay blissfully unaware.

Get back to me when you have kids.

 

[dreamer17555]

You keep bringing up the adults hitting adults. Do you not believe the dynamic is different?

He said they are a pediatric occupational therapist. That would mean their patients are children. That is an adult to child dynamic.

ETA- Yes I actually think an adult hitting adult is very different. At least there’s some power balance there vs the power imbalance between an adult and a child

 

[dreamer17555]

Get back to me when you have kids.

I have kids and I agree completely with what @Mackenzie Click-Mickelson said in that post…

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Get back to me when you have kids.

Is this something you want to deflect back with a response such as yours? You said you hoped your kids wouldn't hold you to a standard nor atone for any potential emotional scars and casually added in we all have childhood baggage.

Why would you want that? And how can you say what your relationship is like with your children if you don't want to know? I was asking you as the person.

My observation is you've attempted to be sympathetic and yet you've been also very mocking. On the one hand saying you're sorry so and so suffered abuse and yet discussing emotional scars with almost a scoff. Perhaps this isn't the place but I'm only left with the impression that for you some things just don't exist to you or carry any weight and when you said that you'd rather not be held to any sort of standard where your children come to you to discuss how something really affected them that drives it home. Perhaps most so that your response to me would be a flippant remark.

 

[DCLMP]

Curious- For any parents if your adult child came to you one day and said X punishment (yelling, hitting, etc) hurt me, how would you deal with it?

I’m sure more often than not it is unlikely to happen but on the other hand there are tons of TikTok’s where young adults (and older) speak candidly about harm done to them as children or their choice to go ‘no contact’ with their parents. I think the younger generation are really getting a handle on attempting to stop certain behaviors and end some generational trauma. (And I am not saying all families have generational trauma just that this generation seems a little more alert to when it happens)

Just curious if they said you had left some emotional scars what your reaction would be…

I would tell them to pound sand.

My kids have traveled all over the world they feel very blessed to be born in country and into a family that has cared for their every need. If my kids comes to me when he’s 30 and tells me I ruined his life because I had a melt down and yelled at him when he was 5 then I have failed for raising such a self absorbed human being. My kids are smarter than that. They are also smart enough to stay away from Tick Tok.

 

[tzolkin]

One time, while at home, he bit DW. DW bit back (never broke the skin). DS never bit again. True, pure anecdotal. But we figured, whether correctly or not, that he learned what it was like to BE bit.

That method definitely backfired for us. My niece was a biter (she's a few months younger than my son). Eventually, my sister got so upset about it happening so often that she told my son to just bite her back (thinking that she would learn what it felt like and would hopefully stop). Instead, niece continued to bite, but just got way more vicious and my son started biting her back regularly. It would be like trying to pull apart two dogs that are snarling and snapping at each other.

 

[lowlight]

Okay, so your son grabbed his sister by the hair. I also wouldn’t have first tried to reason, distract, or validate his feelings. I would’ve done what you did and grabbed him to stop the behavior, but that’s where our methods would’ve diverged. I would’ve then fully removed him from the situation before employing an age-appropriate consequence, followed by a discussion about his behavior once things were calm. You chose to spank him to let him know that causing physical harm to someone isn’t acceptable. To me that’s a mixed message, if you’re interested in other perspectives.

I didn’t spank him, I said that was my next move. We’re talking a double fisted chunk of hair that I wouldn’t have been able to pry his hands off even if I wanted to. I did fully remove him afterwards, as well as taking away his privileges for a day. My point remains, if he didn’t let go willingly, he was getting spanked. I think that’s the nuance many are missing, nobody here is advocating to spank your child for every little transgression. Spanking is the worst answer in almost every scenario, but to say that you should never spank and you’re terrible if you do is just as silly as saying you should always spank and it’s the only solution. It has a very distinct place. No parent here is proud of spanking, or thinking of in my case, trust me.

I currently have a neurotic SAD dog and I know what you are talking about. I’ve thought of giving him away many times, but I owe it to him to not send him to the pound. I wouldn’t judge someone else for doing it differently, though.

 

[sam_gordon]

That method definitely backfired for us. My niece was a biter (she's a few months younger than my son). Eventually, my sister got so upset about it happening so often that she told my son to just bite her back (thinking that she would learn what it felt like and would hopefully stop). Instead, niece continued to bite, but just got way more vicious and my son started biting her back regularly. It would be like trying to pull apart two dogs that are snarling and snapping at each other.

Well, there is that possibility...

 

[nancipants]

So he still bites? Just not as often? And you think it's better for him to keep biting you? As I said, DW did a "reverse" bite ONCE. That was it. DS *NEVER* bit again.

I edited my post. He does not bite anymore. I was referring to hitting, pushing, etc. You do you, but I am not going to hit my child in an attempt to teach him that hitting is bad.

 

[sam_gordon]

Spanking is the worst answer in almost every scenario, but to say that you should never spank and you’re terrible if you do is just as silly as saying you should always spank and it’s the only solution. It has a very distinct place. No parent here is proud of spanking, or thinking of in my case, trust me.

QFT

 

[dreamer17555]

I would tell them to pound sand.

My kids have traveled all over the world they feel very blessed to be born in country and into a family that has cared for their every need. If my kids comes to me when he’s 30 and tells me I ruined his life because I had a melt down and yelled at him when he was 5 then I have failed for raising such a self absorbed human being. My kids are smarter than that. They are also smart enough to stay away from Tick Tok.

Thank you for answering the question. I had a feeling you would answer like that.

 

[Maria_Ohana]

we were at WDW last week-- we were on the bus coming back from disney springs on the 27th when a family got on two kids a boy and girl around 4 for the girl and 5 or so for the boy

they run to the very back of the bus sitting on the sideways seat while the parents? sit below by the back door--these kids were all over wrestling on the seats

looked over once the the boy was literly on top of the girl--that did not look good wonder where they saw this from--the dad is sitting in his seat laughing at the whole thing

never once did mom or dad try to control there kids--they also had a baby whom Im surprised they didnt have the other watch the baby--

wonder what they would have done if one of the kids feel and got hurt Im sure they would have tried to blame disney--

it just annoys me how parents just let their kids run wild

just a vent--thanks for listening

Ugh that would irk me and give the parents dirty looks. I always wonder if that's how they 'disciplined' their kids or lack off.

 

[Smugpugmug]

I just caught up with this thread and uh........that definitely wasn't where I expected it to go.

I’m sure more often than not it is unlikely to happen but on the other hand there are tons of TikTok’s where young adults (and older) speak candidly about harm done to them as children or their choice to go ‘no contact’ with their parents. I think the younger generation are really getting a handle on attempting to stop certain behaviors and end some generational trauma. (And I am not saying all families have generational trauma just that this generation seems a little more alert to when it happens)

I see this a lot more too, even in my friend groups. Personally I cut contact with my bio dad and it drastically improved my mental health. He never spanked me as a kid but there were other issues (emotional) that led to it. To this day, I don't think he realizes that he has done anything wrong.

 

[jrmasm]

I have two adult children, both College educated and one is a pediatric occupational therapist. They would both tell you that they never got spanked, hit whatever, unless they deserved it and that they were never abused. Again, there is a distinction to be made between abuse and discipline. A parent should be allowed to discipline their child in the manner they see fit. There are clear laws on what constitutes abuse and if a parent is abusing a child than they should be criminally charged and the child removed. Abuse should never be tolerated.

No one deserves to be hit.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Haha, this is going to make me sound like a heinous human being but after what I went through with that dog I don’t care — fortunately, he’s dead now. He was a mess when I got him and I spent a couple years working with him to correct his behavior. Made huge strides and got him to the point where he was pretty normal. But, as he aged and lost eyesight and hearing it all fell apart again and the last few years with him were an absolute nightmare. It’s been four years since he died and I can’t bring myself to consider getting another dog, even after having had them my entire life prior to him. He essentially ruined dogs for me.

I wish you luck with your puppy.