Stupid Valentines Disappointment Warning

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Ferrari

How fortunate that I have a Ferrari right here. I'll go give it to my wife.

 

[Southernmiss]

Women are to accept that their men aren't gift givers, or show any interest in certain holidays, but men can't accept that maybe their wife would like something special on those days? Why do women have to be the one to accept that he doesn't do anything instead of him accepting that she would like him to do something?

I do agree with this. It bothered me and after a few years of stewing over it, I had to bring it up and discuss it.

Why can't we calmly discuss our needs with the love in our life?

I came to realize this after watching a friend's marriage break up and watch the wife immediately pick up with a man who wooed her with gifts and flowers. They'll be married this month, less than 2 years after the divorce.

If people do that much in early relationships, why not do it in an established one, if it brings romance and sparks back to the marriage?

 

[lisaviolet]

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

I guess I need something special to show he is thinking of and appreciating me.

OP, I don't get these two statements. You need something special to show he is thinking of and appreciating you but the same husband tells you he loves you all the time, kisses you each morning, texts you from work, kisses after work, helps with dinner....

Just some thoughts ---

* Even though you think you have had the conversation my honest guess is that he hasn't somehow heard you clearly. I would bet that a husband who is checked in and wonderful in so many other ways would absolutely care that his wife is sad/hurt/feeling not appreciated. I would put money on it that your husband, despite you thinking you've expressed it, has no clue how much this is affecting you (despite apologizing - sometimes people apologize just to get out of a tough conversation, very quickly. ). Knowing that you would like a gift/dinner/something is different from knowing how much the lack of it is truly affecting you.

Now to get over it, as that is what you've asked about doing ----

* Could this do with outside forces more than your husband showing his love? Friends asking what you got, your children commenting. Could your insecurity of saying "umm, nothing" to others be the block? Those who comment knowing you bought gifts and did special things for him. Some misplaced insecurity there perhaps.

Even though you know how much your husband has it together and shows his love all the other days. Just a thought.

* Please know that there are women all over the place receiving cards and flowers from *******s. Truly. I'm sorry, but we all think that the other side is so wonderful. Some get it together for one day but don't kiss them in the morning, text from work to let them know they are on their mind, help with/make dinner etc. etc. On a daily basis. Remember that. There is another side. (And since this is the disboards - some men on the last one not all who are flower-toting and card-giving! )

 

[Nancyg56]

Women are to accept that their men aren't gift givers, or show any interest in certain holidays, but men can't accept that maybe their wife would like something special on those days? Why do women have to be the one to accept that he doesn't do anything instead of him accepting that she would like him to do something?

I am not sure anyoen is suggesting that women always need to compromise. I do think that we were responding to the OP and her concern.
Relationships are complicated, and there is more involved than accepting that Hubby does not buy cards, flowers and chocolates, or that a wife does nto cook or clean th sway Hubby would like. We all really know what we are getting into when we marry, unless we married a complete fraud. What we are asking is if we can change our spouse, and that is not really fair.

 

[sonnyjane]

watching a friend's marriage break up and watch the wife immediately pick up with a man who wooed her with gifts and flowers. They'll be married this month, less than 2 years after the divorce.

If people do that much in early relationships, why not do it in an established one, if it brings romance and sparks back to the marriage?

Now you're erroneously assuming that all relationships prioritize those things, or even that all relationships start off that way. My husband and I have been together 11 years and have had the "no gifts" rule the entire time.

 

[Nancyg56]

I came to realize this after watching a friend's marriage break up and watch the wife immediately pick up with a man who wooed her with gifts and flowers. They'll be married this month, less than 2 years after the divorce.

If people do that much in early relationships, why not do it in an established one, if it brings romance and sparks back to the marriage?

I would not bet that gifts or the lack thereof were the catalyst that destroyed the marraige or that they would have brought couple back together.

I woudl also question the strength of a relationship that is built on giftgiving. I dated a nice guy. He sent flowers after each date, took me to awesome restaurants, bought me lovely gifts. He was a nice guy, but he was not the steady man I married. I married a man who stands up when the chips are down. He is not demonstrative, is not comfortable with mushyness, and would probably keel over if he needed to walk into a flower shop. But he is mire substantial than gifts,

 

[adisneyaunt]

OP , sorry to hear you feel so sad!

 

[Southernmiss]

Now you're erroneously assuming that all relationships prioritize those things, or even that all relationships start off that way. My husband and I have been together 11 years and have had the "no gifts" rule the entire time.

No, I am not speaking for ALL relationships. I am speculating that perhaps it might help the op as I came to realize it was something I needed.

My dh did do the gifts in the beginning. But that became less important as kids and bills got in the way, as it does in many relationships and that was ok for 25 years. I realized we had lost the romance (just as the other couple had and yes I'm sure there were othercracks in that marriage) and a surprise gift now and then is appreciated. Maybe not for you and others, but for some of us it's flattering to know that after all this time, he'd still take a minute to think of me and do something unexpected.

Works for us, doesn't have to work for you.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

"Honey, I know you'll forget to do anything for me for Valentines Day, but I still want to feel special. So, I bought my own present this year. Here's the receipt for $1,200.00. Thank you! ".

Lol. Been there, done that, got the receipts to prove it.

 

[kimblebee]

How fortunate that I have a Ferrari right here. I'll go give it to my wife.

View attachment 220400

I was going to say breakfast so apparently second base is different for everyone LOL

 

[MamaBelle4]

OP, I don't get these two statements. You need something special to show he is thinking of and appreciating you but the same husband tells you he loves you all the time, kisses you each morning, texts you from work, kisses after work, helps with dinner....

Just some thoughts ---

* Even though you think you have had the conversation my honest guess is that he hasn't somehow heard you clearly. I would bet that a husband who is checked in and wonderful in so many other ways would absolutely care that his wife is sad/hurt/feeling not appreciated. I would put money on it that your husband, despite you thinking you've expressed it, has no clue how much this is affecting you (despite apologizing - sometimes people apologize just to get out of a tough conversation, very quickly. ). Knowing that you would like a gift/dinner/something is different from knowing how much the lack of it is truly affecting you.

Now to get over it, as that is what you've asked about doing ----

* Could this do with outside forces more than your husband showing his love? Friends asking what you got, your children commenting. Could your insecurity of saying "umm, nothing" to others be the block? Those who comment knowing you bought gifts and did special things for him. Some misplaced insecurity there perhaps.

Even though you know how much your husband has it together and shows his love all the other days. Just a thought.

* Please know that there are women all over the place receiving cards and flowers from *******s. Truly. I'm sorry, but we all think that the other side is so wonderful. Some get it together for one day but don't kiss them in the morning, text from work to let them know they are on their mind, help with/make dinner etc. etc. On a daily basis. Remember that. There is another side. (And since this is the disboards - some men on the last one not all who are flower-toting and card-giving! )

I don't get my two statements either, frankly. Maybe I'm spoiled and he treats me too well that I automatically expect something special on these days. I genuinely don't know.

And, believe me, I know about the jerks. My BFF gets the most thoughtful gifts from her DH on these occasions. But every other day of the year, she has to practically beg him to watch the kids and has to ask his permission for us to hang out. She also doesn't have a bank card because she lost hers once, so he gives her cash, and sometimes she's short. They've been working on their issues and I think it's getting better, but I know I have a husband who both treats and thinks of me as an equal partner. I have what many only dream of.

That's why I posted, asking for help to get past this sadness I had been feeling. I don't like being unhappy (who does?!) and know how fortunate I am. I don't want to dwell like this or feel this way knowing I really shouldn't (in my opinion). I just hope I "grow" out of it soon. In the meantime, I will try to remember how incredibly blessed I am with my DH.

 

[adisneyaunt]

I don't get my two statements either, frankly. Maybe I'm spoiled and he treats me too well that I automatically expect something special on these days. I genuinely don't know.

And, believe me, I know about the jerks. My BFF gets the most thoughtful gifts from her DH on these occasions. But every other day of the year, she has to practically beg him to watch the kids and has to ask his permission for us to hang out. She also doesn't have a bank card because she lost hers once, so he gives her cash, and sometimes she's short. They've been working on their issues and I think it's getting better, but I know I have a husband who both treats and thinks of me as an equal partner. I have what many only dream of.

That's why I posted, asking for help to get past this sadness I had been feeling. I don't like being unhappy (who does?!) and know how fortunate I am. I don't want to dwell like this or feel this way knowing I really shouldn't (in my opinion). I just hope I "grow" out of it soon. In the meantime, I will try to remember how incredibly blessed I am with my DH.

And he is Equally Blessed... you remember that too!

 

[ronandannette]

There's a chance he heard you say "I don't need anything" and everything after that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher: "wawawawawa."

As longboard said, sometimes we guys are slow on the uptake and need specific direction. Like "I need you to do something for Valentines Day/Mothers Day/Anniversary, even if it's just a homemade present."

Take this post to heart.^^

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

Why not consider changing your approach, instead? I am a BIG advocate of direct communication. He's not getting the message - and for a man who clearly cherishes you and wants to make you happy, this almost certainly means he would if he could. Say exactly what you want, not "wawawawawa" about needing to feel special or whatever. Or even better yet, why don't you go ahead and make plans for the two of you and let him know in advance what (and why) they are? Do something fun together - enjoying the time together will quickly over-shadow your nebulous dissatisfaction and the only expectation you have to change is to accept that you will always need to be the one to put these things together. I wish you both well.

 

[lisaviolet]

I am a BIG advocate of direct communication. He's not getting the message - and for a man who clearly cherishes you and wants to make you happy, this almost certainly means he would if he could.

Exactly.

You're already halfway there OP. You're not having feelings and immediately throwing them on your husband's side of the fence.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't get my two statements either, frankly. Maybe I'm spoiled and he treats me too well that I automatically expect something special on these days. I genuinely don't know.

And, believe me, I know about the jerks. My BFF gets the most thoughtful gifts from her DH on these occasions. But every other day of the year, she has to practically beg him to watch the kids and has to ask his permission for us to hang out. She also doesn't have a bank card because she lost hers once, so he gives her cash, and sometimes she's short. They've been working on their issues and I think it's getting better, but I know I have a husband who both treats and thinks of me as an equal partner. I have what many only dream of.

That's why I posted, asking for help to get past this sadness I had been feeling. I don't like being unhappy (who does?!) and know how fortunate I am. I don't want to dwell like this or feel this way knowing I really shouldn't (in my opinion). I just hope I "grow" out of it soon. In the meantime, I will try to remember how incredibly blessed I am with my DH.

I think that it is okay to feel sad and still to know you are Blessed with a good man by your side. I also think that you take sime time to think about what really may be bothering you. You know that your DH loves and appreciates you, but you want a tangible sign of that affection. I get it, I did for years as well. It took time for me to separate what was my want from what my DH could do. I knew i had chosen a good man, and that he loved me, but I wanted that card, or flowers. I saw what other women recieved, and my guy just did not do that. 37 years into our relationship we have grown to appreciate that we both have strengths that we can lean on and we both have deficits as well. Those shortcomings are part of what make us strong as a couple. It just took us both a long time to accept each other as we are...all of it.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

Read some books on decluttering, wasting less, organizing, minimalism. Then you'll be glad you don't have another $5 card that you have to put somewhere which will sit and gather dust and clutter up your house until eventually you throw it out or just let the pile of cards keep accumulating.

We have a no gifts / no cards deal on valentines, anniversary, birthdays, mothers/fathers day. If we subscribed to all that I would be shopping for gifts and cards all the time. If I want/need something I get it myself. If he wants/needs something he gets it himself. It's a lot less stressful not having to come up with some creative gift that we don't need every couple of months.

 

[Hikergirl]

If every kiss begins with Kay, what do I have to do to get to second base?

A bottle of liquor

 

[Waddler]

OP, I'm in the same boat. My husband is terrible at gift giving. He is an wonderfully intelligent, fun, loyal guy, but "theory of mind" is not his forte. No matter how much I explain to him that a thoughtful gift would make me feel understood and appreciated, he rarely comes through. I've talked it over with him at great length, and I've come to realized that my disappointment actually causes him a lot of anxiety. He knows that he's falling short but really has trouble writing a thoughtful card or finding a gift that is both practical (his requirement) and heartfelt. Flowers used to be his go-to... until the cats started nibbling them.

Instead, I've started arranging dinners out for special holidays. It takes the pressure off of him and we get some time alone away from the kids. It also helps me to remember that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and some fantastic qualities come with trade-offs.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Being a relationship expert myself, I would think that the overall relationship is what counts. The way he treats you 365 days a year is what really matters. That said, it is nice to be recognized and to feel special on those designated days.

 

[Sweetpancake]

He has his own love language, and if I was not paying attention, I might miss it.

This is very true! If you haven't read the book, the 5 Love Languages, it's a great book and might help you better understand your husband.

This might at least make you laugh. My husband's aunt's husband is the worst gift giver ever! One year for Christmas, all he bought his wife was a large bottle of glue, because she said she liked doing crafts,lol