Stupid Valentines Disappointment Warning

[Wishing on a star]

Sonnyjane, That sounds pretty simple. But, how and when does he express how much you mean to him?
I think that maybe the OP is not really getting that in her relationship?

It is so easy to feel that you are not appreciated and maybe just taken for granted.

I def. don't need or want roses or jewelry, etc. (which many men just don't quite know how to do?)
But, I think there needs to be something?

I have to really notice that the 8 year old seemed to be picking up on something?

 

[prprincess]

My hubby is the same way. We've been married for almost 14 years, and started dating over 20 years ago. We've talked about it and he doesn't see it as a big deal, so as a result, I've started to put less effort into getting him gifts for Valentine's, Christmas, birthdays, and Father's Day, as well. It would be nice, of course, if he was thoughtful, but I can't change him. So I just make myself feel better by buying myself something nice for the occasion.

Strangely enough he bought me a dozen roses and a card yesterday. I can't remember when the last time was that he bought me flowers so it was a nice surprise.

 

[MamaBelle4]

That sounds pretty simple. But, how and when does he express how much you mean to him?
I think that maybe the OP is not really getting that in her relationship?

It is so easy to feel that you are not appreciated and maybe just taken for granted.

I def. don't need or want roses or jewelry, etc. (which many men just don't quite know how to do?)
But, I think there needs to be something?

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

 

[sonnyjane]

That sounds pretty simple. But, how and when does he express how much you mean to him?
I think that maybe the OP is not really getting that in her relationship?

It is so easy to feel that you are not appreciated and maybe just taken for granted.

I def. don't need or want roses or jewelry, etc. (which many men just don't quite know how to do?)
But, I think there needs to be something?

I'm not sure who you're asking so I'll respond how things work for me. DH and I both took the 5 languages quiz and are both looking for affirmation, so a quick text every now and then to say "love you" is gold for us. I would recommend OP read about the love languages.

 

[sksjasams]

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

OP, he sounds amazing. You are very blessed!

 

[Wishing on a star]

That does sound good!
We all know that it isn't all about Hallmark Holidays and roses!

So, yes, maybe it is 'expectations'.

Your feelings are always valid!!!! But, maybe if you look deeper as to why this is causing such a strong feeling of upset and disappointment to you?
That might help. Maybe goes way back, and doesn't really have a lot to do with your husband?

 

[MamaBelle4]

OP, he sounds amazing. You are very blessed!

I am! He is! I don't know why these holidays bother me so much. I really just want to get past it. I hate being so ridiculously upset about it every year.

 

[focusondisney]

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

See below.

 

[focusondisney]

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

Maybe this is your answer OP. On the days you feel especially upset or unappreciated, do a count your blessings type thing. Remind yourself what you DO have. Would you risk or trade that for something else?? If not, maybe it will help you see your DH as celebrating you every day, instead of just on a few days that call for a card or gift.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would however take some time between now and then to consider whether your DH maybe speaks another love language and you've been overlooking and taking for granted some gestures he does for you on a regular basis? Does he make you coffee or pick up dinner when he knows the schedule is crazy? Does he urge you to get out to a movie you've been dying to see with your friend while he holds down the fort with the kids? I'll take the guy who is usually hugely thoughtful on a regular basis and takes our daughters to the dollar store the night before Mother's Day to buy me a card with six pairs of earrings on it (true story) that I will never wear over the guy who pops for Pandora on Valentine's Day and thinks he's good for a few months or until next year or whenever.

Whatever you decide, make it simply an informative discussion, don't turn it into hard feelings.

I was looking for a way to say what you just did. I married a man who is just not comfortable with words, so he uses the tools he has. Hot bath ready if I say I don't feel well when I am on the way home from work. Coffee in the morning if I can relax in bed.

He is the guy who calls my DD and arranges a weekend in NYC with my DGD for me. He just bought tix to see Gaelic Storm for the two of us and my DS and DDIl. He is not going to like it, but we will so he is taking us. I think that s much as well want those cards and flowers, maybe there are other ways to know we are loved and cherished.

I'm going to preface this by saying, it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, however I do find it works lol. Just stop caring about it. Stop getting him stuff, because ultimately it just leads to disappointment and awkwardness since he doesn't do anything, so basically just stop celebrating stuff with him. Keep doing it with your kids (if there are any) or other ppl. you're close with, but just stop with him. Like I said, not sure it's the healthiest thing, but I have found that it does stop the disappointment and hurt.

I stopped buying gifts for most occasions and fond my DH was happier for it. The whole thing makes him uncomfortable, so this was the best gift I could give him.

That is my DH, he does do all those things for me. I know I'm ridiculously lucky because it isn't even a second thought for him.

I really don't want this to bother me. I don't care about material things, just something, some gesture to say he was thinking of me, you know. I don't know why it bothers me so. I try to just shake it off but it does. Hopefully, I'm like Hikergirl and I can get past it soon.

While I was getting DH's card and orange slices, my oldest was with me. She said, "You know Daddy isn't going to get you anything, right?" I told her that was okay. He didn't have to, I just wanted to get him something. It bothers me that our 8 year old picked up on it and I don't want this affecting her future expectations and relationships.

This may have been a good time to talk to your DD about how some people express love. I would have explained to your DD that while I liked buying gifts, Dad chooses different ways to show his love. Gifts are not an indication of a good man. Too many young girls confuse what are signs of love and what are not.
Many years ago I was working with a ridiculously attractive man. He was married with two kids and another on the way. My DH had just saved so i could have lasik surgery, a procedure I did not even know I wanted until he gave it to me. He really wanted this, but insisted i have it done first. I returned to work and it was our anniversary, and Harry asked what my DH bought me for a gift. Nothing. WHAT???? You tell him blah blah. SO I told him, we were good, no gifts needed. Not even two weeks later I hear that Harry had been fired. Yes....Mr Perfect who took his wife out on a date every week, away for the weekend once a month, and sent flowers etc all the time had been having an affair in our conference room!!!! On our table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And with another rep who was also pregnant. And this guy was telling me how to get my DH in line? My not so perfect man who never cheated,who dragged a stuffed toy to work every day and parked it in his truck because my DGD gave him a different one each day, and showed up with blue nails because the marker was permanent...(nail day with a 4 YO) raised my kids as his own, and never denied me a thing.

I am not sure you need to get past anything, but maybe ask what you really want and why.

No, he does a good job expressing himself. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day, wakes me up to kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work, texts me during his lunch break, kisses me when he comes home, helps with dinner and the kids, sometimes makes me coffee after dinner or I make his.

I really mean it, I have a wonderful DH and we have a terrific marriage. I just need to change my expectations for these days and I don't know how to do that.

It does not happen over night. I think that it takes time to be comfortable knowing that someone loves ou when they show you in ways that are not tangible.

 

[Southernmiss]

I was you, op until yesterday. Dh and I have now been together 30 years. Started dating this week in 1987.

So on the 13th, Dh bought 2 small boxes of Whitmans samplers, a kitchen glove that was on my Christmas list the past 2 years (yes, he finally remembered it after all these holidays lol) and roses.

But it took a few reminders this last month. My grandmother died and we had 3 flower bouquets in the house for a few weeks. I remarked how much I really enjoyed having those fresh flowers in the house and that I would buy more on occasion. Dh heard and said 'but you used to tell me fresh flowers were a waste- I replied 'well they were when we were young and really broke. Now we are just broke, not really broke so once in a while is nice'.

I had also recently remarked how I enjoyed 2 box of chocolates I received at work for Christmas. He heard and bought them for Valentine's.

We took the love languages test last year and are polar opposites in that test. I am one who usually doesn't need gifts, but I do want to know I am appreciated and loved. My love language is 'doing' for someone else.

Dh is a guy who needs a list and concrete instructions. He can follow that to a t.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Interesting. I just took the love languages test. My top two are tied: acts of service and physical touch. My lowest one is gifts.

I just don't understand why this bothers me so much. Ugh. Hopefully I get over it.

 

[bethbuchall]

My husband doesn't do anything for the "Hallmark holidays" and not much for my birthday either. Christmas is hit or miss. We've been together for almost 34 years and have come to an understanding about it. Forced gestures on particular days just aren't something that he does well. But the important distinction is that it truly doesn't bother me. I don't know how I'd feel if I told him repeatedly that I want some sort of gesture and he still didn't come through.

We didn't do much to celebrate Valentine's Day. I bought my youngest son (the only child still at home) some candy and my husband the bag of trail mix he'd been looking at. I made them a chocolate cake both because he's been mentioning chocolate cake lately and because I enjoy doing little things to make some days special. I put up a few decorations. He said (as he does pretty much every time), "I thought we weren't celebrating..." I don't care that no one did anything for me, and I only did for them what made me happy. If you can look at it that way, you'll be happier in the long run, but feeling let-down isn't unreasonable either if you really want the gesture.

My cousin made a joke about what a great guy he was because he took his wife to buy a new battery for her car for Valentine's Day. I told him that my husband did that for me a couple of weeks ago, just because. (Yeah, just because my car wouldn't start.) He took me out to dinner on Saturday without me even asking which is a big deal for him because he doesn't like to eat out. Maybe if you look for those moments, that will help.

 

[Nancyg56]

Interesting. I just took the love languages test. My top two are tied: acts of service and physical touch. My lowest one is gifts.

I just don't understand why this bothers me so much. Ugh. Hopefully I get over it.

It bothers you, so it is valid. I wish I could say it gets better, but I am not sure it does. I think that there comes a time when it just hits you, this is his way, and I am okay with it.

 

[TLSnell1981]

"Honey, I know you'll forget to do anything for me for Valentines Day, but I still want to feel special. So, I bought my own present this year. Here's the receipt for $1,200.00. Thank you! ".

I've bought myself many lovely gifts, beautifully wrapped...paid for by my dear DH. He finds out what they are AND how much HE spent, after they are opened. Not optimal for a Romantic, but it works.

 

[mjkacmom]

I've been with DH 28 years. He actually did better than normal - bought a card (didn't fill it out, so the kids did) and some bags of chocolate, put in a case for me and the kids. Social media is a funny thing, I'd see all of these romantic gestures posted, and some of them I knew were forced.

DH isn't very romantic or into gift giving, but he drives the kids all of the time (tons of carpools), cleans vomit, coaches the kids teams, will take his daughters to dance competitions, out of state and country, washes dishes, will grocery shop and do Costco runs, picks up the dog poop in the yard, shovels, deals with my dad almost daily (Alzheimer's), and his finances and house (has even taken him to doctors appointments). If I say "can I ask a favor?" his reply is always "anything."

It's not all about the grand gestures (which intealized around year 20...)

 

[sonnyjane]

It bothers you, so it is valid. I wish I could say it gets better, but I am not sure it does. I think that there comes a time when it just hits you, this is his way, and I am okay with it.

There is a real peace in understanding the cards in your hand and accepting it. I know some men have chimed in on this thread, but I think women are really bad about spinning each other up about what "should" be happening. With marriages, other than the obvious things like he SHOULDN'T beat you, he SHOULDN'T gamble away your savings, etc., there's really not a one-size-fits-all approach. Instead of everyone publicly comparing what gifts they get, or what their SO does for them, etc. there should be a lot more quiet appreciation for everyone's individual relationships. For every woman that loves getting a $100 bouquet, there's another wishing that $100 had gone to something practical for the house. For every woman that's thrilled about having an expensive 4-course dinner out to celebrate, there's another woman that had a long day at work and just wanted to come home and put on sweatpants and order pizza with her husband, etc.

OP, if you know this bothers you, AND you appreciate everything else you have in your marriage, I do think you'll be able to come to terms with this if you really just accept that he shows his love for you differently.

 

[Nancyg56]

There is a real peace in understanding the cards in your hand and accepting it. I know some men have chimed in on this thread, but I think women are really bad about spinning each other up about what "should" be happening. With marriages, other than the obvious things like he SHOULDN'T beat you, he SHOULDN'T gamble away your savings, etc., there's really not a one-size-fits-all approach. Instead of everyone publicly comparing what gifts they get, or what their SO does for them, etc. there should be a lot more quiet appreciation for everyone's individual relationships. For every woman that loves getting a $100 bouquet, there's another wishing that $100 had gone to something practical for the house. For every woman that's thrilled about having an expensive 4-course dinner out to celebrate, there's another woman that had a long day at work and just wanted to come home and put on sweatpants and order pizza with her husband, etc.

OP, if you know this bothers you, AND you appreciate everything else you have in your marriage, I do think you'll be able to come to terms with this if you really just accept that he shows his love for you differently.

It's funny you mention teh flowers etc. My DD told us that the first year she and Jeff were married he bought her an expensive flower arrangement and something else that was terrribly expensive. He thought that was what she woudl like. Um....NO! She said they had a conversation about how this was not her thing, and to please never spend that kind of money again.

Now if he came home with a Disney Dooney that she had been drooling over, I think the conversation might have been different.

 

[kimblebee]

It's good to see others mentioning the love language test.

I am one who likes to be appreciated. Tell me that supper was great and thank you for doing the laundry.

My husband is one who needs physical affection. He tells me he loves me a lot and also gives tons of hugs.

 

[okeydokey]

If you have repeatedly expressed to him how much it would mean to you if he remembered you on Mother's Day and Valentine's Day etc and he does not, then I think he is a jerk.

If my DH told me that it would mean a lot to him if I would do something and I purposely ignored that, then I would be telling my spouse that his needs do not matter to me at all and I would be a jerk. It wouldn't matter what I thought of the request, I would absolutely do that for my husband.

How hard is it to pick up a card and sign your name or go to a restaurant for a meal.

Mother's Day is coming. If you looked him in the eye one week in advance and said "I know you don't understand why this is. but I really need you to get me a card for Mother's Day. Would you please get me a card and sign your name. " are you saying he just wouldn't? I think that's terrible.