Stupid Valentines Disappointment Warning

[MamaBelle4]

I'm not looking to change DH. I'm not expecting anything spectacular. I'm looking to change MY attitude about it.

Every year for Valentine's, our anniversary and Mother's Day, I tell myself not to expect anything. But then I get hopeful that he's done something, and then nothing. Then I get really, really upset. Sad. And I can't shake it. I've tried having the conversation with him "I don't need anything, just something to show you're thinking of me a little." And he apologizes then does nothing. After 13 years, I know it isn't going to change. I'm not looking for a dozen roses or anything. When we were starting out, we had no money. One year he took scrap metal at work and made me heart shaped candle sconces. I love them. Probably my favorite gift of all time. And for Valentine's this year, I got him a giant tub of orange slices and a card. Not much but it's his favorite candy and all the stores were oddly sold out, so I had to go 3 places, but I wanted to make him happy.

How do I learn to not get so disappointed? I'm tired of having this conversation and I'm especially tired of feeling down for days after these occasions. I know he loves me, he shows me in plenty of other ways and we are very happy in our marriage. I just want to get past this. Anyone have any advice for me?

 

[loves to dive]

It's just a day, I think people put to much pressure on it. We don't do anything for it, nor do we exchange presents for birthdays or Christmas. I told my son years ago not to get me anything for Mother's Day. Why? Because he should show me he loves me and appreciates me all the time, not just one day a year. My honey should do the same and I should do the same for him. Would you rather one day a year he give you a gift and ignore you the rest of the year or show you he loves you all year and doesn't give you a gift on a silly made up holiday?

 

[Liberty Belle]

You remove the expectation that he might, just this one time remember. KNOW he is not going to and then you likely won't be hurt.

However, if you've spoken to him about this and a) it's in your budget and b) he didn't get a reasonable explanation why he doesn't, then I think he's definitely in the wrong and needs to change.

 

[Liberty Belle]

It's just a day, I think people put to much pressure on it. We don't do anything for it, nor do we exchange presents for birthdays or Christmas. I told my son years ago not to get me anything for Mother's Day. Why? Because he should show me he loves me and appreciates me all the time, not just one day a year. My honey should do the same and I should do the same for him. Would you rather one day a year he give you a gift and ignore you the rest of the year or show you he loves you all year and doesn't give you a gift on a silly made up holiday?

It doesn't have to be either/or. You can show love every day, but give a token of your love on valentine's day to celebrate. I don't see the difference between this and birthday or Christmas gifts.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't have any advice, and I used to let it bother me too. Then one day, I just accepted it. I don't know when, we have been married for 20 years.
I do things for him, cooked him his favorite meal, and got him his favorite chocolates, but I didn't expect anything in return because I knew there wouldn't be anything. No disappointment that way.

 

[focusondisney]

Aw, sorry you are feeling bad OP. I understand a bit. My DH is wonderful about remembering these things. But there have been gifts he gave me that left me feeling much like you do. I truly appreciate that he gives me gifts, but some of them have left me wondering what he was thinking. I know he likes to get in & out when shopping, so I have sometimes felt he just bought the first thing he saw. And then I'd feel horrible that I wasn't just grateful he thought of me.

Now, I'm not above reminding him of occasions like birthdays or anniversaries & I flat out give him ideas. I look around at stores & take pictures of what I like or show him specific things in ads. He doesn't mind because he really does want to get me things I like & I don't get disappointed in the gifts.

I figure, not everyone is a great shopper, but at least my guy makes the effort. After 38 years, it works for us. Maybe your DH wouldn't mind a few "reminders" before these type of occasions?

 

[hereyago]

That would tick me off to not even make a gesture. I know you have had the conversation, but have you tried the "oh, this is what I want for Vday"? Or you could just charge a day at the spa on his card and thank him later.

 

[cabanafrau]

Wait a month or so to remove it from the immediate aftermath of Valentine's Day. Take a calm moment, sit him down and have a discussion with him about feeling a bit underwhelmed or unappreciated by his ongoing lack of willingness to make a gesture for these occasions. You could even outline for him what type of gesture would make you happy and clue him in that you're not looking for diamonds or long-stemmed roses or costly expenditures.

I would however take some time between now and then to consider whether your DH maybe speaks another love language and you've been overlooking and taking for granted some gestures he does for you on a regular basis? Does he make you coffee or pick up dinner when he knows the schedule is crazy? Does he urge you to get out to a movie you've been dying to see with your friend while he holds down the fort with the kids? I'll take the guy who is usually hugely thoughtful on a regular basis and takes our daughters to the dollar store the night before Mother's Day to buy me a card with six pairs of earrings on it (true story) that I will never wear over the guy who pops for Pandora on Valentine's Day and thinks he's good for a few months or until next year or whenever.

Whatever you decide, make it simply an informative discussion, don't turn it into hard feelings.

 

[Nancyg56]

First of all, I'm sorry. It hurts when you think that there are so may others who are getting acknowledged and you feel that you are not. I think I would ask how much this means to you? I have been with my DH for 37 years,and will be married 25 in June. he is not demonstrative, has only bought a card twice, ad the second time it was a bomb, and has only sent me flowers one time...and I found out his brother ordered them. I would not trade him for all the valentines and presents on Earth.

I used to feel badly on special days, no card, no present....nothing. Once in a blue moon on Valentines Day we would go to dinner, but not a habit by a long stretch. But then I started thinking about the ways he tells em he loves me...the ways that mean something to a man who was not raised with affection and who was taught that it was those flashy things that mattered.

He has his own love language, and if I was not paying attention, I might miss it.

 

[sksjasams]

Honestly, I think you need to have a conversation about your expectations prior to each holiday. For example, a couple weeks before Valentine's Day, tell him that V-day is coming up and you wanted to talk about it and decide if you two agree to exchange gifts, or get each other cards, or go out to dinner to celebrate...whatever you agree on. Get him on the same page as you.

Do not expect him to come up with something on his own - you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. It doesn't matter that he used to do this or that. You have to be happy and make it work with the man you have now.

 

[Christine]

This is such a hard situation because each person in a relationship needs to understand the "needs" of another. For you to accept him as he is and be okay with no special things done for you, then you are acknowledging HIS needs, yet, you have a need to be romanced on those days and that doesn't get met. So, saying all that, I don't really have an answer.

My advice to you to just move past it and accept that he is not a gift-giver. My husband and I do not exchange gifts on Valentine's Day or anniversaries. Rare I know, but as the female in the relationship, I just feel like it's so contrived. I work in a male dominated field and I spent a lot of time on the 13th and 14th listening to the absolute *stress* these guys were under trying to make sure they didn't tick off their significant others. You know what? I don't want a gift that causes someone to stress like that. They were really trying to put effort into it but they seem so ill equipped!!

You've said that your husband is very good to you in every other way. That's wonderful. I guess the question is why are gifts (or some show of material affection) important to you on these types of days? Is it worth feeling this way?

 

[Hikergirl]

I know for me, sitting down and having a conversation about what I expected would have been pointless. My problem was that it was Valentine's Day (or MOther's Day, or birthday), a day that you can't really forget, and it shouldn't matter what I expected, my dh should just acknowledge it because he wants too for me. Not sure if that is how the OP feels about it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

"Honey, I know you'll forget to do anything for me for Valentines Day, but I still want to feel special. So, I bought my own present this year. Here's the receipt for $1,200.00. Thank you! ".

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Just go buy what you want today at half price. That's what my spouse and I do. Works for us every time.

 

[brockash]

I'm not looking to change DH. I'm not expecting anything spectacular. I'm looking to change MY attitude about it.

Every year for Valentine's, our anniversary and Mother's Day, I tell myself not to expect anything. But then I get hopeful that he's done something, and then nothing. Then I get really, really upset. Sad. And I can't shake it. I've tried having the conversation with him "I don't need anything, just something to show you're thinking of me a little." And he apologizes then does nothing. After 13 years, I know it isn't going to change. I'm not looking for a dozen roses or anything. When we were starting out, we had no money. One year he took scrap metal at work and made me heart shaped candle sconces. I love them. Probably my favorite gift of all time. And for Valentine's this year, I got him a giant tub of orange slices and a card. Not much but it's his favorite candy and all the stores were oddly sold out, so I had to go 3 places, but I wanted to make him happy.

How do I learn to not get so disappointed? I'm tired of having this conversation and I'm especially tired of feeling down for days after these occasions. I know he loves me, he shows me in plenty of other ways and we are very happy in our marriage. I just want to get past this. Anyone have any advice for me?

I'm going to preface this by saying, it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, however I do find it works lol. Just stop caring about it. Stop getting him stuff, because ultimately it just leads to disappointment and awkwardness since he doesn't do anything, so basically just stop celebrating stuff with him. Keep doing it with your kids (if there are any) or other ppl. you're close with, but just stop with him. Like I said, not sure it's the healthiest thing, but I have found that it does stop the disappointment and hurt.

 

[longboard55]

My wife took care of that issue year one. I go big on every wife type day. Its actually pretty fun at this point. If it hurts let him know about it, men are generally lazy and require nuclear treatment at times. Having said that valentines day is not a real big holiday, a lot of people seem to do nothing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know it is just a Hallmark holiday... And, I actually tell my husband that I don't even want much.
I told him before, no cheap WalMart or grocery store roses that droop over and die 48 hours later!!!!!

But, still.... it seems that you have expressed to him that it would mean a lot to you if there were some validation and acknowledgment that you mean something to him So, I am going to just go out on a branch here and say that I do think that there might, possibly, be a problem.

This year, my husband stopped by a local shop and picked up a box of their homemade fudge that we really like, to share.
Simple, and def. not just blowing me (and the occasion) off.

I think that I would feel blown-off if there was absolutely nothing.
And, I think that might be reasonable and justified.

 

[sonnyjane]

This is why DH and I decided from the beginning to not celebrate holidays/birthdays/anniversaries. To the outside world that might seem sad and cold, but I can't express to you how great it is having NO pressure and NO expectations. Every day is just another day.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Wait a month or so to remove it from the immediate aftermath of Valentine's Day. Take a calm moment, sit him down and have a discussion with him about feeling a bit underwhelmed or unappreciated by his ongoing lack of willingness to make a gesture for these occasions. You could even outline for him what type of gesture would make you happy and clue him in that you're not looking for diamonds or long-stemmed roses or costly expenditures.

I would however take some time between now and then to consider whether your DH maybe speaks another love language and you've been overlooking and taking for granted some gestures he does for you on a regular basis? Does he make you coffee or pick up dinner when he knows the schedule is crazy? Does he urge you to get out to a movie you've been dying to see with your friend while he holds down the fort with the kids? I'll take the guy who is usually hugely thoughtful on a regular basis and takes our daughters to the dollar store the night before Mother's Day to buy me a card with six pairs of earrings on it (true story) that I will never wear over the guy who pops for Pandora on Valentine's Day and thinks he's good for a few months or until next year or whenever.

Whatever you decide, make it simply an informative discussion, don't turn it into hard feelings.

That is my DH, he does do all those things for me. I know I'm ridiculously lucky because it isn't even a second thought for him.

I really don't want this to bother me. I don't care about material things, just something, some gesture to say he was thinking of me, you know. I don't know why it bothers me so. I try to just shake it off but it does. Hopefully, I'm like Hikergirl and I can get past it soon.

While I was getting DH's card and orange slices, my oldest was with me. She said, "You know Daddy isn't going to get you anything, right?" I told her that was okay. He didn't have to, I just wanted to get him something. It bothers me that our 8 year old picked up on it and I don't want this affecting her future expectations and relationships.

 

[Praying Colonel]

I'm not looking to change DH. I'm not expecting anything spectacular. I'm looking to change MY attitude about it.

Every year for Valentine's, our anniversary and Mother's Day, I tell myself not to expect anything. But then I get hopeful that he's done something, and then nothing. Then I get really, really upset. Sad. And I can't shake it. I've tried having the conversation with him "I don't need anything, just something to show you're thinking of me a little." And he apologizes then does nothing. After 13 years, I know it isn't going to change. I'm not looking for a dozen roses or anything. When we were starting out, we had no money. One year he took scrap metal at work and made me heart shaped candle sconces. I love them. Probably my favorite gift of all time. And for Valentine's this year, I got him a giant tub of orange slices and a card. Not much but it's his favorite candy and all the stores were oddly sold out, so I had to go 3 places, but I wanted to make him happy.

How do I learn to not get so disappointed? I'm tired of having this conversation and I'm especially tired of feeling down for days after these occasions. I know he loves me, he shows me in plenty of other ways and we are very happy in our marriage. I just want to get past this. Anyone have any advice for me?

There's a chance he heard you say "I don't need anything" and everything after that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher: "wawawawawa."

As longboard said, sometimes we guys are slow on the uptake and need specific direction. Like "I need you to do something for Valentines Day/Mothers Day/Anniversary, even if it's just a homemade present."