Strict, over-protective parent here...

[stemikger]

Posted by MJKACMOM
I think you are making a point that I want to make. Yes, I give my children freedom, but it's not because I don't care. When ds11 is biking to the park with friends, my heart is in my throat - I can't wait until he gets home, and know he's okay, and not being hit by a car, with his helmet being his only protection. My dd12 is now at the airport, going to my SIL's for 2 weeks, and it's going to be very hard on me (I know -she did this last year). However, these experiences make them stronger, able to be independent. Yes, there are some parents who are just lazy, and let their kids do whatever they want. But many of us give our children some freedom in order to help them become confident teens and adults.

Thanks for posting this. As you can probably tell, I'm struggling with letting her go, but I do see I have to let her become independant and not so fearful.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with you, but I think we all have to find our "happy medium" in parenting. We have to find those situations that we feel safe in giving our child freedom and that just doesn't always include every situation or the same situations as other parents feel safe with.

I don't believe we should suffocate our children but I don't think they need to be allowed to go anywhere at anytime without parents either. We are the parents and we need to be the one to decide if the place they want to go is safe or not. I feel safe with the girls being at the theater or skating rink (places where they are not allowed out of the building) alone, other parents may not and that is ok. Some parents feel safe enough with their kids being at the mall, I don't.

I give dd warnings, but remind her not to be afraid; just to be careful.

We don't want to make our children feel afraid, and I certainly don't let my dd do whatever she wants. She did go to the mall with a couple of friends this week, but a parent was there - otherwise, I would've said no. She goes out to lunch with her friends, and asked me if she could go to the Park Pub - absolutely not. Once I explained my reason (adults on lunch hour, people drinking alcohol), she totally agreed the diner was a better bet. I just think that being too overprotective endangers kids just as much as being to underprotective.

 

[TinkInPink]

It's not the girls I don't trust!!! They're great girls, all very responsible. It's the loony-toon, crazy people out there! In Orlando, we have had several reports recently of men molesting girls at water parks. It just makes it very scary. Would I be with her every minute? Absolutely not, but there is at least an adult there to keep an eye on things. And, what good is a cell phone if the inappropriateness already happened? The damage is done; a call at that point is too late.

I let her do quite a bit actually - she is allowed to go to Disney and Universal by herself, as well as the movies. It's the water parks that just don't feel right. Gotta go with your gut, right?

While I know it's tempting to encase your daughter in a bubble, one simply can't. In a few years she will be at college out in the real world, where there is no supervision (not even lifeguards). I think that letting her go to the water park would be a great opportunity to start a discussion about what to do in that situation, and how to avoid it. things like staying in a group and not using the restroom alone and avoiding hidden areas etc. I think it could be a great learning experience. just my 2 cents

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think this is hugely about setting the stage for all the other teen independence issues that will come up in the next few year. Whatever your stance is I think you need to fully explane your reasons and then stick to your guns. She will not like or agree with your reasons but deserves to know them. She also deserves to know that you are fair. Tell her that you will revisit the issue next Summer.

Now I do think you need to do your best to not have her feel totaly left out with her friends. EVen though money is tight, I would work out at least once that I could take them over the summer. Leave the sibbling that does not like water parks with a friend and save money there. Look for coupons and discounts. Allow her the freedom to eat with her firends but stick snacks, etc in your bag to cut out that cost as well.

My take is I would not allow her to go without an adult but would be ok with her walking around in the park with her friends if she is a good swimmer and a responsible kid. You can sit yourself in a central location and require frequent check ins.

Do not get caught up in childish "he said -she said" with your child. You are HER parent and make her rules!!!

 

[disneyjunkie]

Confront the dad? Don't even waste your breath. He too will one day look at your daughter and wish maybe he was a little more protective of his own children one day. Trust me on that one.

It's a toss up. The OP may be the one looking back wishing she had done things differently. Or both parents my look back and be pleased with the results of their parenting decisions.

We have no way of knowing which parenting style will produce ideal results. If we look back on our college days, I'm sure we all know kids with permissive parents(I don't think the dad in the OP is permissive) and over protective parents who went buck wild in college.

The kids from permissive homes never had boundaries and seemed unable to set limits for themselves. The kids from over protective homes embraced their new found freedom and ran with it.

I'm sure we all know kids from both types of homes that have excelled in college and life.

We can't say that one style of parenting will guarantee a desired outcome.

 

[Schmeck]

Mother of 5 here. Ages 19,17,16,14 & 11.
I have been told their entire lives that I am too overly protective and just plan paranoid! Both by my children, their friends and the friends parents!
They all have been going to Six Flags, water parks, movies, boardwalks, crossing major highways, co ed sleep over and riding their kids everywhere and anywhere since they were in the 2nd grade. Not my kids! No way no how. I was told over and over again, I need to let them go, spread their wings, trust them more.
I trust my children more then anything. I know I can count on them always to do the right thing. DH & I even went to NC for the weekend resently and not only didn't my children have friends over or any teenage parites but my house was spotless, they made sure they attended mass on Sunday, and mowed the lawn so DH wouldn't have too when we returned.
My oldest even spent her own money to get some things that they ran out of while we were away.

Maybe the house was spotless because they had to clean up after they threw a party, had friends over, etc? They ran out of stuff because friends ate it?

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe the house was spotless because they had to clean up after they threw a party, had friends over, etc? They ran out of stuff because friends ate it?

LOL - that was my first thought! I remember when my parents left my younger sister home when she was a teen, and were initially pleased at how clean the house was, until they opened the grill, and found an empty beer can - busted! I was smart enough to know not to leave the house too clean, in order to not arouse suspicion.

 

[luvsJack]

We don't want to make our children feel afraid, and I certainly don't let my dd do whatever she wants. She did go to the mall with a couple of friends this week, but a parent was there - otherwise, I would've said no. She goes out to lunch with her friends, and asked me if she could go to the Park Pub - absolutely not. Once I explained my reason (adults on lunch hour, people drinking alcohol), she totally agreed the diner was a better bet. I just think that being too overprotective endangers kids just as much as being to underprotective.

Oh, yes; I totally agree that it does. Being overprotective makes them unable to do anything for themselves, afraid of new things and all types of problems.

We have a very small swimming area/water slide park close to us. Its like a small water park built on a creek. A LOT smaller than any of the water parks mentioned in this thread. But, it is somewhere that I would allow dd to go alone at 13 . It is because of the way the place is operated. An older couple own the park and are very keen on safety. There are a lot of lifeguards to watch them at every swim area, paddle boat area, and slide area. There are also other employees that walk around and just look out for the kids and their safety. This is the kind of place that I feel comfortable letting her go, because I can giver her a certain amount of freedom but I know that there are people there whose job it is to keep her safe. Same with the theater and the skating rink I mentioned before.

OP, its just a matter of where YOU feel comfortable, so for most parents (not on the extreme of either spectrum); I don't think there is a right or wrong. You have to know your own area and your own comfort zone.

 

[crisi]

It's a toss up. The OP may be the one looking back wishing she had done things differently. Or both parents my look back and be pleased with the results of their parenting decisions.

We have no way of knowing which parenting style will produce ideal results. If we look back on our college days, I'm sure we all know kids with permissive parents(I don't think the dad in the OP is permissive) and over protective parents who went buck wild in college.

The kids from permissive homes never had boundaries and seemed unable to set limits for themselves. The kids from over protective homes embraced their new found freedom and ran with it.

I'm sure we all know kids from both types of homes that have excelled in college and life.

We can't say that one style of parenting will guarantee a desired outcome.

And that's the trick, right...to find the compromise parenting situation that let's them learn to be independent, but keep them reasonably safe. And that approach will change depending on the kids, the parents, and where you live.

With this case, either position - not letting a 13 year old go or letting a 13 year old go - are both reasonable positions to take. It would be unreasonable to let a nine year old go without supervision, it would be overprotective to not let the average seventeen year old go - but at thirteen EITHER decision is reasonable.

 

[sk!mom]

It's so frustrating to have other parents who are just plain too busy and too tired to parent their kids anymore, and then put it off as YOU are the bad guy. Any thoughts? Or maybe I'm in the wrong here???

Couple of thoughts... First there is no right or wrong here- just different parenting styles. Many parents, me included, feel that a 13 year old is capable of going out in a group especially during the day. If you are not, that's fine but don't color parents who allow it as "too busy or too tired to parent." Some of us feel that 13 is an appropriate age to allow some freedoms. That being said, I can't offer an opinion on this particular situation since I'm unfamiliar with the park in question and don't know the maturity level of your DD. Have there been attacks on girls at this particular park? Is your DD13 unreliable, immature...has she shown poor judgement?

I wouldn't confront the other dad. You are being equally judgemental about his parenting decisions. Your DD is likely having friend issues because she's not allowed to go out with her friends- no reason to make it worse with a confrontation. It's also very likely that the other girl or your DD exaggerated the dad's opinions since their goal is to show you that you are wrong/overprotective.

 

[SLK1]

Couple of thoughts... First there is no right or wrong here- just different parenting styles. Many parents, me included, feel that a 13 year old is capable of going out in a group especially during the day. If you are not, that's fine but don't color parents who allow it as "too busy or too tired to parent." Some of us feel that 13 is an appropriate age to allow some freedoms. That being said, I can't offer an opinion on this particular situation since I'm unfamiliar with the park in question and don't know the maturity level of your DD. Have there been attacks on girls at this particular park? Is your DD13 unreliable, immature...has she shown poor judgement?

I wouldn't confront the other dad. You are being equally judgemental about his parenting decisions. Your DD is likely having friend issues because she's not allowed to go out with her friends- no reason to make it worse with a confrontation. It's also very likely that the other girl or your DD exaggerated the dad's opinions since their goal is to show you that you are wrong/overprotective.

OP here again...to answer your question, YES!!! There have recently been molestations at that particular park in question, as well as at Blizzard Beach. I did let her go - TWICE - this summer, didn't feel great about it, but she went, and then I heard the two reports that happened and said no more.

The title of this thread was said tongue-in-cheek...because I do not feel I'm over-protective AT ALL. I thought sending her to a water park, which has had at least two different incidents of inappropriate behavior (at the very least!) was a no-brainer. For the other two times she did go, she had to wear her board shorts (no bikini bottoms), no make-up, and couldn't go to the bathroom unless with a friend. Could I monitor that all that happened? NO, of course not, but I believe she followed my rules. She's a very good girl, but also incredibly beautiful - at 5'9", thin, developed, and a gorgeous head of blonde hair, why attract negative attention?

As for strict, I am strict with my kids when it comes to behavior and being safe. I don't feel as though I'm unreasonable, nor do I punish my older two children JUST because I have two youngers ones that aren't able to do the "older" stuff. I think we have struck a good balance...it was just the whole water park incident that came up again, and to be accused of being "over-protective" when I've clearly let her do activities with her friends is ridiculous.

That's really all - I'm now fine with my decision and will stick to it, and won't butt in anyone else's parenting styles as long as they don't butt into mine!

 

[disneyjunkie]

For the other two times she did go, she had to wear her board shorts (no bikini bottoms), no make-up, and couldn't go to the bathroom unless with a friend. Could I monitor that all that happened? NO, of course not, but I believe she followed my rules. She's a very good girl, but also incredibly beautiful - at 5'9", thin, developed, and a gorgeous head of blonde hair, why attract negative attention?

Pedophiles don't care how kids are dressed or if they are wearing make up or not. They tend to focus on gender and age. If the child fits the molester’s targeted age/gender then it won't matter if they are wearing a 2 piece or a burlap sack.

It isn't the "creepy" stranger we have to worry about. The people we trust are the ones most likely to harm our kids.

 

[princessmom29]

First let me say to SLK1 I feel your pain. My wife and I sound just like you. We are constantly saying how we feel like the only parents that care. Some of her friends take the bus home at 10:00 at night. I would never feel comfortable with that. Now having said that, I recently posted this on another thread about the water parks and maybe you can find a balance with your daughter because my daughter is now suffering from a lot of fears because I was too overprotective.

Here is what I posted on that thread.

Unfortunately I made the mistake of being too over-protective and now I see it wasn't the right thing to do. My daughter is 14 years old but looks much older but has many fears because of all the things I was afraid of happening to her.

I still have a hard time letting her do things on her own and worry all the time, but I also see the damage I have done, so please don't make the same mistake I did, it is very hard to erase their fears after you drilled it into them too much. I thought I was doing the right thing to keep her safe, but yoiu really have to do it the right way and have a balance.

I know I may have given you TMI, but I thought I would tell my story so other parents don't go over the top the way I did.

Unfortunately there are many sick people that would hurt kids, but we still have to let them live. Easier said then done. For me anyway.

I grew up like this and can testify first hand to the damage it did. It was so bad that our chuch youth director refused to take me on overnights b/c my parents would only let me go if he could guarntee I would never leave his or the female shaperone's sight the whole time. I was so scared to go of to college and miserable once i was there b/c of all the terrible things my mom told me could happen to me if i went to a aparty or out with my friends. I sat in a dorm room scared to do anything for my entire freshman year. I finally decided the second year that I just couldn't do it anymore. If something was going to happen to me it just would. I went a little wild before i found that happy medium. I just cannot and will not do that to my child.

Pedophiles don't care how kids are dressed or if they are wearing make up or not. They tend to focus on gender and age. If the child fits the molester’s targeted age/gender then it won't matter if they are wearing a 2 piece or a burlap sack.

It isn't the "creepy" stranger we have to worry about. The people we trust are the ones most likely to harm our kids.

You are exactly right. If a predator is going to snatch a child they really don't care what they are wearing ect. Not wearing makeup, ect is NOT a deterrrant to child predators. The odds are mcuh, much higher of a child being molested by someone known to them and to their parents than by a random stranger, and the molester does not care what they are wearing or not wearing. If fact many child predators tend to go after the more sheltered, niave childlike victims. Thery are more likely to be trusting of adults and not put up a fight that a child who is used to being on their own and looking out for themselves. If you always have mom looking over your shoulder you can never learn to watch your own back.

 

[Mkrop]

Maybe the house was spotless because they had to clean up after they threw a party, had friends over, etc? They ran out of stuff because friends ate it?

LOL - that was my first thought! I remember when my parents left my younger sister home when she was a teen, and were initially pleased at how clean the house was, until they opened the grill, and found an empty beer can - busted! I was smart enough to know not to leave the house too clean, in order to not arouse suspicion.

Exactly what I did as a teen, twice, house was spotless, got busted first time bc someone put and empty beer can in the fireplace.

 

[NotUrsula]

Actually, a rape *was* reported at Wet n' Wild 3 weeks ago, the victim was 14. She claimed that she was assaulted by several men and raped in the wave pool by one of them. It happened at a late-evening event.

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/orl-bk-wet-n-wild-sexual-battery-orlando-062309,0,3909345.story

I remember being on a college float trip and getting into a slightly similar situation, and I knew the guys in question. They had had too much to drink and decided it would be great fun to untie the halter strap of my suit to get a flash. It wasn't funny from my POV, and very quickly got less so when a guy I'd never seen before tried to grab at me, too. Luckily one of my male friends who was there realized that they were going over the line, and got between them and me; they were a heck of a lot larger than I was and I could not have held them off by myself in that current. I got out of the stream and made sure to let them get well ahead before I went back in with other friends, and I put a t-shirt on over my suit and tied it so that it couldn't be snatched at again. (I was wearing a one-piece.)

Yes, water parks and water activities can be dangerous, and drowning isn't the only risk. Roughhousing and flirting when swimming is part of American teen culture, but things can easily get ugly, especially when alcohol is present, as it certainly would be at a night party at Wet n' Wild.
Would the incident reported in the newspaper have happened in broad daylight? Maybe, but maybe not; I haven't been to that park lately to see how rowdy it gets in the daytime.

I agree completely that the type of suit someone is wearing has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they will be accosted by someone with bad intent, but I can tell you from experience that it does make a difference in perhaps helping the victim to keep her head together long enough to escape the situation. If someone has stripped your suit from you in a public pool, you are a lot more likely to waste time trying to get your suit back and not get the heck out of dodge as quickly as you otherwise would -- a younger girl, especially, might have a harder time instinctively knowing that running out of the pool and being seen naked by a thousand people is the lesser of two evils. For water parks and open-water swimming, a tight athletic one-piece is the best way to go for personal safety.

Would I let her go with just friends at her age? I think it would depend, on when she was going, with whom, and just how she is in terms of dealing with that kind of emergency. If she's high-strung and prone to panic, then no way. I'd also have to have been at that park myself at a similar time of day and seen for myself how rowdy the crowd was allowed to get. If there was too much horseplay that wasn't immediately stopped by the lifeguards, then no.

 

[Traveliz]

How does this water park feel about groups of unsupervised children running around? I am sure they have a policy about adults needing to be in attendance. Call and find out their policy- then you will be forearmed the next time your DD asks. You could even give a copy to this rude and tactless father of your DD's friend.

How about picking a date and allowing your DD to choose a few friends to bring to the water park with you going along? She'd surely appreciate that you care about her wishes, but will do it in a way that makes you both happy.

-Sarah

Out of curiousity (and because I am procrastinating) I looked on the Wet n Wild website and it appears there is no policy about adults needing to be in attendance.

Liz

 

[Mouse House Mama]

My DD13 has lots of friends whose parents are perfectly fine with their girls going to Wet N Wild water park (we live in Orlando - it's a water park that's not quite the caliber of Blizzard Beach/Typhoon Lagoon and attracts a bit more seedy crowd). I have said NO repeatedly to her, unless a parent goes along. Well, today she asked AGAIN if she could go with her friends. Response: No (especially with the recent child molestations/rapes happening at water parks lately). She wasn't mad, per se, but did confirm that one of her friends said that the friend, AND HER DAD, commented that I'm "too over-protective". I know this Dad...do I confront him on that? He didn't say it directly to my daughter; he said it to his own daughter who repeated it to mine. I refuse to give in the request to go to the park, and I'm not in a position to buy my own ticket and sit there, or I would (we are having lots of construction done on our house, not to mention I have a DD2 who would not do well at a water park). It's so frustrating to have other parents who are just plain too busy and too tired to parent their kids anymore, and then put it off as YOU are the bad guy. Any thoughts? Or maybe I'm in the wrong here???

I wouldn't say anything to the Dad. Who really cares what anyone thinks? My kids my rules.

 

[smylie1]

When my children are old enough to drive themselves where they want to go, I will let them go alone or with friends. Not because I don't want to take them, but because that is when I think they are old enough to do so.

 

[JUJU814]

Maybe the house was spotless because they had to clean up after they threw a party, had friends over, etc? They ran out of stuff because friends ate it?

Or maybe, they actually were 100% responsible like she said and respected the trust their parents had in him. Not all kids throw parties, have friends over if they're not supposed to, etc.

We're leaving dd, 17 1/2 home alone for one week end of August and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt she would not throw a party or do something she is not supposed to. I trust her 100% and she has earned every bit of my trust.

I have very cautiously raised her, and some would call me overprotective, but I have learned that I really don't care what anyone thinks of my parenting style. She's a beautiful young lady, inside to the out. Who cares if anyone else thinks you are too "overprotective"? I think anyone with half a brain KNOWS whether or not they are *truly* "overprotective..anything else is just worrying what others think.

It really gets me when other parents chuckle like I don't know what kids are capable of doing. I know my child and just because other parents have had trouble maybe with their kids, doesn't mean all kids are like that..and I'm one who was a little more trouble as a kid, so I'm well aware what they do!

Now the two little ones...stay tuned, because I'm not so sure if they'll ever be left home alone! LOL

 

[jakoky]

As a mom of a 13 yr dd ( my youngest) I would allow her to go BUT do not look at you as overprotective....My kids tell me all the time that i worry too much and am way overprotective...i think we all have things that bother us and truly, we need to go with what we feel. If my dd wanted to go in the daytime, i would be all for it, but again, there are other things i wouldnt allow her to do...
I have had some interesting conversations with my 18 yr dd, and i truly do believe as parents we really have to find the balance with what we allow/dont allow our children to do...she commented recently to me that the kids that get into trouble at parties are the kids whose parents are the strictest...she commented on some kids kids that drank too much and had to get their stomachs pumped ....she said all the kids were the ones that were never allowed to do anything...so scary....last night i heard sirens and texted my 18 yr old dd at 11:45 in the evening to check on her....the worry NEVER goes away....i feel for you, go with your gut....My biggest belief is being honest with our kids, and sometimes, i hate knowing stuff that goes on at parties....i did not allow my oldest dd to go to parties til grade 11, and i hated that she went, but what would be even worse, is her gradded and heading to parties in college