Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Erzengel]

OP sounds like she's in love with being in love.

Honesty and communication are such cornerstones in a successful relationship. If you're keeping things from someone and giving a false image of yourself until they are "trapped" in a relationship with you, that's not healthy and honestly effed up.

I remember back when I was dating, and while I didn't say oh btw, I'm a big comics, Star Wars, video game playing, etc. geek on the first date. It usually came out within the first month of dating especially if you're trying to see how compatible you are with someone.

I think I made a joke that if I was dating again, and she said she hated Star Wars, I'd excuse myself and climb out the bathroom window.

Building a relationship under false pretenses, is like you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole

 

[Lynne M]

Yes I am definitely attached to the fantasy he represents, but I also DO love him.

I know very little about him, or his past. I don't even know his favorite color or band, I know nothing. I would LIKE to know this kind of stuff about him, but he is not that interested in talking about that, he is more interested in other stuff.

So, you love him, but you don't know much of anything about him. I honestly don't see how that can be. That's what I meant about being attached to the fantasy. You have a fantasy image of him, because you don't know the real him. That's what you love - the fantasy image.

You're approaching this as if it's a choice between clinging to this pretend-relationship, or dying alone. That's not true. What we're talking about is freeing yourself to find the right guy, the one who's a really good fit for you, and that you can have the relationship you crave with. But in order to do that, you absolutely have to allow yourself to be single, maybe for long stretches of time, and you absolutely have to be choosy about who you get into a relationship with. No more settling for the first guy who says a kind word to you. You know all those people you're so jealous of, with those great partners and happy families? That's how they did it. They were picky. They stopped dating guys that weren't a good fit. They stayed single if there was no one in their life that suited them at the moment.

Yes I suppose what I wanted when this all began was somebody to be very public with me. I was dying to have that Facebook status of "in a relationship with". I wanted to hang up the pictures of us and the family. I wanted it all, and I wanted it quickly. I love the attention I get on Facebook, people are like so glad to see me happy, cause I can put on a smile now. I wanted to be able to talk with people and be able to start sentences with "My boyfriend blah blah..."

It's pretty clear that you see people that are single as "less-than," and you're terribly afraid that people will think you're a loser if you don't have a boyfriend. Yes, that was the way people thought in the Downton Abbey era, but that way of thinking went by the boards about 50 years ago. Being single isn't sad. Having a boyfriend impresses exactly no one. Really - starting sentences with "My boyfriend blah blah.." is thoroughly annoying to most people, I think. People are impressed by kindness, by creativity, by generosity, by thoughtfulness. Having someone to go on dates with? Only interesting or impressive to the two people in the relationship.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Yes I realize how crazy it sounds considering marriage at this point. I definitely get that. I guess maybe he does not know the real me, heck I will not even wear glasses around him. I put my best foot forward with him, even after 6 months. I do not want him to see me without make up or dressed to look my best. It is exhausting really. He builds me up though, he really does make me feel good about myself. When I was married I reached the point that I just did not care. I was a lot heavier than I am now, my hair was awful, and I just did not care what I looked like. I suppose I should motivate myself to be my best instead of letting somebody else do it.

I totally KNOW I am not ready to get married to anybody at this point in life.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

 

[wilkeliza]

Yes I realize how crazy it sounds considering marriage at this point. I definitely get that. I guess maybe he does not know the real me, heck I will not even wear glasses around him. I put my best foot forward with him, even after months. I do not want him to see me without make up or dressed to look my best. It is exhausting really. He builds me up though, he really does make me feel good about myself. When I was married I reached the point that I just did not care. I was a lot heavier than I am now, my hair was awful, and I just did not care what I looked like. I suppose I should motivate myself to be my best instead of letting somebody else do it.

I totally KNOW I am not ready to get married to anybody at this point in life.

YOU WON'T WEAR GLASSES AROUND HIM?!?!?! There is absolutely nothing wrong or bad about wearing glasses and the fact that not wearing them is apart of you putting your best foot forward shows a lot about how you judge others even though you desperately want to be liked and loved. I hope you don't tell your glasses wearing friends that they are frumpy or not putting their best foot forward.

I mean seriously do not even consider marriage. You shouldn't marry someone unless you feel 100% comfortable with them seeing you in your PJs with messy hair, in your glasses, and no make up because guess what? That is what they will see 99% of the time when you are married unless you plan on always waking up before him and going to bed after him. I was going to stay out of it but that is crazy.

 

[mom2rtk]

So you think you've known him long enough to consider marrige? But you haven't known him long enough to wear your glasses around him?

Those 2 are incompatible.

 

[Hikergirl]

Yes I realize how crazy it sounds considering marriage at this point. I definitely get that. I guess maybe he does not know the real me, heck I will not even wear glasses around him. I put my best foot forward with him, even after 6 months. I do not want him to see me without make up or dressed to look my best. It is exhausting really. He builds me up though, he really does make me feel good about myself. When I was married I reached the point that I just did not care. I was a lot heavier than I am now, my hair was awful, and I just did not care what I looked like. I suppose I should motivate myself to be my best instead of letting somebody else do it.

I totally KNOW I am not ready to get married to anybody at this point in life.

If he made you feel good about yourself then you wouldn't be hiding the real you from him for fear he won't accept you. To be clear this isn't him, this is you. You have serious issues, you can't be honest with him because you can't even be honest with yourself. You need SERIOUS help. You fear being alone, well you know what that is exactly what you will be if you continue this way.

 

[Cinderella94]

If he made you feel good about yourself then you wouldn't be hiding the real you from him for fear he won't accept you. To be clear this isn't him, this is you. You have serious issues, you can't be honest with him because you can't even be honest with yourself. You need SERIOUS help. You fear being alone, well you know what that is exactly what you will be if you continue this way.

This. It is literally impossible for him to make you feel good about yourself if you won't show him the real you. The two are incompatible. Your "relationship" is not what you think it is.

 

[littlejimmy]

i have to admit that I first started reading this thread because I knew it was going to be a train wreck, and the entertainment value was pretty darn good. but the ops story gets old pretty quick. so now I read it to see how many people are still giving the op the same old advice over and over and over...the same advice people have given her for 17 pages.

and just when the thread seems to die down the op comes on to get everyone into a feeding frenzy again. oh she knows what she is doing and she is doing it well. well done Kathryn, well played. suckas

 

[Kitty 34]

Well if you won't even wear glasses around him you probably haven't seen the real him!!!

 

[Nancyg56]

i have to admit that I first started reading this thread because I knew it was going to be a train wreck, and the entertainment value was pretty darn good. but the ops story gets old pretty quick. so now I read it to see how many people are still giving the op the same old advice over and over and over...the same advice people have given her for 17 pages.

and just when the thread seems to die down the op comes on to get everyone into a feeding frenzy again. oh she knows what she is doing and she is doing it well. well done Kathryn, well played. suckas

I never assume that because a poster is not responding to us the way I would want the poster is a troll. TO be quite frank, I would prefer that this was the case here, but I am afraid that is not so. I also resent that because you feel that way you call the rest of us names. Between the two kinds of people posing here I prefer the well meaning people who may or may not be speaking to a troll to the mean-spirited comment.

 

[morgan98]

Yes I realize how crazy it sounds considering marriage at this point. I definitely get that. I guess maybe he does not know the real me, heck I will not even wear glasses around him. I put my best foot forward with him, even after 6 months. I do not want him to see me without make up or dressed to look my best. It is exhausting really. He builds me up though, he really does make me feel good about myself. When I was married I reached the point that I just did not care. I was a lot heavier than I am now, my hair was awful, and I just did not care what I looked like. I suppose I should motivate myself to be my best instead of letting somebody else do it.

I totally KNOW I am not ready to get married to anybody at this point in life.

This gets crazier and crazier. You think this is a real adult relationship between 40 somethings and you won't even wear your glasses around him? He makes you feel good about yourself, but he doesn't even know the real you and you are not confident enough to show him?

You also need to stay the heck away from and refrain from commenting on the relationship with his ex-wife and their children. First off, you obviously do not know the whole story. Secondly, you seem to be the last person that should be critiquing and commenting on any other relationships until you can be honest about your own.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

YOU WON'T WEAR GLASSES AROUND HIM?!?!?! There is absolutely nothing wrong or bad about wearing glasses and the fact that not wearing them is apart of you putting your best foot forward shows a lot about how you judge others even though you desperately want to be liked and loved. I hope you don't tell your glasses wearing friends that they are frumpy or not putting their best foot forward.

I mean seriously do not even consider marriage. You shouldn't marry someone unless you feel 100% comfortable with them seeing you in your PJs with messy hair, in your glasses, and no make up because guess what? That is what they will see 99% of the time when you are married unless you plan on always waking up before him and going to bed after him. I was going to stay out of it but that is crazy.

As a glasses wearer, this bothers me. I can't imagine wandering around in a blur because my husband can't see me at my best. (No pun intended lol)

 

[okeydokey]

I giver you all a lot of credit for continuing to try to help, but at this point there is nothing any of you can say that will make the least bit of difference. You are dealing with a deep psychological illness here. I hope the OP gets some help.

 

[Hikergirl]

As a glasses wearer, this bothers me. I can't imagine wandering around in a blur because my husband can't see me at my best. (No pun intended lol)

I'm going to assume she is wearing contacts. When I first met my dh, he was reluctant to wear his glasses around me but that pretty much changed after we spent our first night together

 

[Pixiedustaway]

I'm going to assume she is wearing contacts. When I first met my dh, he was reluctant to wear his glasses around me but that pretty much changed after we spent our first night together

Right I get it Seems a little excessive to me. Kwim?

 

[Hikergirl]

Right I get it Seems a little excessive to me. Kwim?

Yes, especially for someone who has been dating 6 months and is "pre-engaged".

 

[Wishing on a star]

Doesn't matter if it is a TROLL or not.
Even if there is some bit of truth to the situation.
What is going on here on this thread is really really 'off'. (I will refrain from using stronger words, as I don't enjoy getting points or comments censored)

The OP is even admitting to how she 'loves the attention'.
She will keep this thing going as long as there are those who fall victim.

Again..
As I posted earlier.
At this point, (NOTE: at THIS point.) the only response is: "Hey, I just really do not care... This is annoying... Do what you want with your life..."
And walk away...
Dead silence.
Don't feed the troll and/or any possible psychological issues.

 

[jrmasm]

This is not real.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm not a "sucka" or a victim. If people don't want to comment to the OP for whatever reason then they don't have too. If people don't want to read the comments to the OP, then don't. Move along and don't open the thread. Its really simple.