SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[stinkerbelle7531]

You are definitely right about this. I don't know when you grew up, but in the 60s and 70s when I grew up, this was exactly the way that it was for me and my brothers. I was involved in theater at school and in the community and I was thrilled if they came to one presentation of the play that was being produced. Parents today will go to each and every showing. The same with sports. My brothers both played recreational BB, and I can remember my mom running them to practices and games, but I don't remember her or my dad going to any games.

We didn't feel deprived or that our parents didn't care. It was just different then.

Today it is completely different...

Children who have involved fathers excel in everything. http://nces.ed.gov/pressrelease/father.asp Merely one quick example. Some things were NOT better in the "good old days." If the father wants to be involved it will in the end benefit everyone. IF he is involved it will only make him a better parent to all the children.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

but do they have to go to every game?

Honestly? Yes we go to every game as a family. We cheer each other on. We support each other. Sometimes there are scheduling conflicts so we divide and conquer. If the other kids are sick or the weather is God awful then of course we don't all go. Thankfully that doesn't happen often. We are not odd in doing that. Everyone pretty much does that here. Also, sometimes there are games/events while my DH is working and he cannot get off. Then I go with all the kids by myself. We meet other parents and siblings. It is actually kind of nice. Is it always easy? No. We manage though and believe it or not the kids actually like going to cheer each other on.

 

[RachelEllen]

Children who have involved fathers excel in everything. http://nces.ed.gov/pressrelease/father.asp Merely one quick example. Some things were NOT better in the "good old days." If the father wants to be involved it will in the end benefit everyone. IF he is involved it will only make him a better parent to all the children.

That study defined "high involvement" as participating in three school activities during the year.

 

[CookieDiva]

Children who have involved fathers excel in everything. http://nces.ed.gov/pressrelease/father.asp Merely one quick example. Some things were NOT better in the "good old days."

I don't recall saying that things were BETTER. I said that they were DIFFERENT. And if the OP grew up like I did, then it does take some adjusting to a different way of doing things.

I know that it did for me. When our children where younger, AT FIRST I did not know what was expected of us when it came to parental involvement, and I was surprised how much parents are involved because that was not what I was used to.
Within a very short time, DH and I were perfect examples of parental involvement in today's world. But it WAS different than what I was used to growing up.
ETA: The study sited was written a full 17 years after our oldest was born. Perhaps if our parents would have read studies like this in the 60s and 70s parental involvement - particularly of the father - would have been different. But the study was not out there then. As I said, I didn't say things were BETTER. They were DIFFERENT. And I did not FEEL unloved. And I stand by that.)

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

I don't recall saying that things were BETTER. I said that they were DIFFERENT. And if the OP grew up like I did, then it does take some adjusting to a different way of doing things.

I know that it did for me. When our children where younger, AT FIRST I did not know what was expected of us when it came to parental involvement, and I was surprised how much parents are involved because that was not what I was used to.
Within a very short time, DH and I were perfect examples of parental involvement in today's world. But it WAS different than what I was used to growing up.

Sorry. I feel strongly about parental involvement.

Rachel, it was the quickest grab to make a point. Do you think that being an involved parent is important? For BOTH of HIS kids? If so, support him. Put the baby in a carrier and go.

 

[barkley]

That is why I said that her DH needs to get this straightened out with the ex. However, the OP also stated that she can't really go to much because the baby has to nap or go to bed. Why can't there be some flexibility there? Put the baby in a stroller or a sling.

i can't speak for the op but i know when my kids were babies (and like the op working outside the home f/t), the evening and weekend hours they were napping was when i was getting household stuff or work i had brought home done.

i feel for you op-i had a similar "time usage" issue with dh when my dd was very young. we decided together he would go back to school in addition to working his full time job. he had to leave work early some days/work late to make up for it/put in weekend time, spent hours away from home-and when he was there he was stressed and exhausted. i was exhausted in another way-no break from work/childcare/doing the stuff i normaly did household wise plus the stuff i had agreed to do in his absence.

sure, i agreed to it but it became apparant that it was too much for us. he had to scale back because the time he WAS with me/dd was'nt time that anyone was enjoying. he cut back and while it was'nt exactly the way he wanted to go to school it was the way that best worked for our family. same can be said with some activities my kids have been in-they had to opt out of some of the more time consuming ones because the amount of committment it called for on our part as parents was unrealistic with our lives.

i hope you talk to your dh more about this-i've rarely seen a kid at 8/9 whose already on a very time consuming sport they love continue to love that sport with an eye to joining less time consuming teams. it seems to go up and up as the kids progress. your dh has to realize that his son is developing a level of expectation as to what he can participate in and how much your dh can facilitate it (esp. in the absence of his mom's willingness) and activily participate in it. in a few years your dd won't be an infant and will be more demanding of her dad's time-it's not fair for her to have to go without just as it won't be fair to that young boy to be find out his expectations of being able to continue and increase his level of participation are not only unrealistic they were knocked out of consideration without his knowledge years earlier.

 

[RachelEllen]

Sorry. I feel strongly about parental involvement.

Rachel, it was the quickest grab to make a point. Do you think that being an involved parent is important? For BOTH of HIS kids? If so, support him. Put the baby in a carrier and go.

Yes! Of course involvment is important. I mentioned once this suprisngly long thread (who knew my peevishness was so interesting) that we make it to about half the games. I'm really not going to keep a 4 month old out until past 9pm or take her to an outdoor game in 18 degree weather (like this week), but we were both at severeal games last season and we were both at the tryouts. (SHould I start a thread about breastfeeding at Little League!)

I didn't mean to pick apart your study. I was just trying to point out that, yes, involvement is good. But I think a whole range of familial culture might meet the level of what is excellent involvment.

 

[eh24fan]

I haven't read everything yet, but here's the way I see it...

I'm a stepdaughter, I've been a stepmother, I'm a bio-mom/exwife, my son has stepparents now. In the end, it is all about the kids, IMO. They didn't ask for this dysfunctional family dynamic (and you can say what you want, but the truth is, it's dysfunctional....). It is and always has been my opinion that it is up to the adults to make things as easy and normal for the kids as possible. My parents didn't do that, so it was my vow that I would do everything in my power to make it easier for my stepdaughters and my son.

I never resented my ex for being an involved father. In fact, I was more likely to say we needed to do more than he was. The girls live 2 1/2 hours away, so we didn't make it to soccer games and stuff, but we made sure we made it to ballet recitals, school programs, etc. Now that we are divorced, we make sure we all get to his games when we can. I haven't missed any, my ex has only missed a couple.

Nowadays, my son has the biggest cheering section at his baseball games. It's usually me, DBf, DS#2, my mom, my stepdad, my ex, his wife, her son, my former SD's, my mommom and her husband, and for some games my dad, stepmom, 2 sisters, my other grandparents, my brother and his wife, etc. My 2 yr old started going to games and practices when he was about 4 months old. If it was chilly, he was bundled up and in the stroller. A few times when it was windy, we even went in the dugout. Last year was a bit more challenging because he was mobile and sitting in the stroller was NOT an option most days. But we made it work. My DBf works 2nd shift so he's not there for night games and practices, but my ex was normally there and he would help, not to mention the rest of my family. This year I've already offered my sisters $5 a game to help me with DS...they are 11 and 10 and can't wait to make a little money for playing with their nephew!

My point is, the entire stepfamily dynamic makes it more challenging, but to me, it's even more important to be supportive and work together BECAUSE of that. Your SS will remember you being there, he will remember you making sacrifices and he will appreciate it. Not now, but when he's older. Your DH needs to tell the ex to get over it and find a way to deal. Your daughter will be fine...take her to the games, practices etc. It's all part of being a family, step or otherwise. My DS sometimes slept through the games, sometimes he got to bed later than usual. It didn't kill any of us.

 

[Darcy03231]

I'm a parent and step-parent and am not going to comment any more than to let the OP know that as the children get older and their abilities increase there will be more of a time committment to sports/activities. You'll need to decide whether or not you want to be there and/or help or not. I decided to become as active as I could in my step-children's lives and it has paid off for me. I love them dearly and I think they feel the same way about me.

When DH and I got married the children were 12, 8 (his), 5 and 2 (mine). DH had custody of his children so all four lived with us. We really had to divide and conquor as the two oldest were in soccer and the three youngest were in dance. As their abilities grew so did the time committment. Neither DH or I had any "me" time for the first 10 years of our marriage. Heck, we were lucky to attend a game or recital together. By the time DS #1 (and yes, I think of them as mine) was in high school he played on a rec and travel soccer team, DD #1 played on a rec soccer team, a travel soccer team and had 2 hours of dance a week, DD #2 had 6 hours of dance a week and DS#2 had 2 hours of dance a week, plus about 4 hours of basketball or baseball a week. Today I look back and wonder how we did it all.

The "kids" are now 25, 21, 18 and almost 16. DH and I have plenty of time to ourselves now. All four are good kids that have never been in any trouble. DS#1 is working on his masters degree, DD #1 is in college, DD #2 is an honors student in high school and works as an assistant front end manager in a grocery store and DS#2 is in high school and working as well. DS#2 is the only one still involved in sports that we have to drive to and attend games for. Yes, there were years that the house was a mess, we ate lots of take-out and DH and I hardly saw each other. It didn't last forever though and I'll always treasure that time I had with my children. You may have to let some things slide to make time for the activities, but trust me the years will fly by and before you know it you and DH will be home alone and missing having all your kids at home.

 

[RachelEllen]

i hope you talk to your dh more about this-i've rarely seen a kid at 8/9 whose already on a very time consuming sport they love continue to love that sport with an eye to joining less time consuming teams. it seems to go up and up as the kids progress. your dh has to realize that his son is developing a level of expectation as to what he can participate in and how much your dh can facilitate it (esp. in the absence of his mom's willingness) and activily participate in it. in a few years your dd won't be an infant and will be more demanding of her dad's time-it's not fair for her to have to go without just as it won't be fair to that young boy to be find out his expectations of being able to continue and increase his level of participation are not only unrealistic they were knocked out of consideration without his knowledge years earlier.

We'll have to take this as it comes. This is last year that SS can automatically play in his current league. He's already gone from being amongst the best in the group to being above average as less interested players drop out. We offered to send him to baseball camp this summer, but he declined in favor of general camp, so I have a feeling baseball may be waning in the years to come.

 

[thelittlemermaid83]

Your very lucky to have a husband who is comitted to his children, some children are not so lucky to have that.

 

[dogluva]

Are you in a stepfamily? If not, you don't know what you are talking about. How much time should he be spending with his new baby? Or does the older son's wants trump the baby's needs since he was there first?

He needs to spend time with his son and his baby. He lives with the baby so I am sure he sees quite a bit of her. I think the son might come first because he will remember his father playing baseball. Not that babies don't need a father's attention but, let's be real, she will not remember how much time he was with her but his son sure will.

 

[cheermom1]

He needs to spend time with his son and his baby. He lives with the baby so I am sure he sees quite a bit of her. I think the son might come first because he will remember his father playing baseball. Not that babies don't need a father's attention but, let's be real, she will not remember how much time he was with her but his son sure will.

not yet.

 

[Colleen27]

I think you are very lucky to have a husband that is such an involved father. I wouldn't be surprised in a few years when he is doing baseball/softball or some other activity with his daughter. I hope you will pack up the baby and go to some games to show your support for your family. You won't be sorry.

I'll second that. My older two are at that age. 4 days a week are spent on football/cheer from late Aug to the end of Oct. 3 days a week are for baseball from mid Apr to mid June. And that doesn't even touch their less demanding activities! I was a competitive swimmer and played travel baseball as a kid, so I knew what I was in for when my kids started to want to get involved with sports. I also know from experience that the benefits of being part of something like that are more than worth the aggravation.

To the OP: Be thankful that your husband is so involved with his son. You'll really appreciate it later when it is your baby that is so busy! And be glad that you've got such nice spacing between the children, so that you aren't trying to juggle two schedules at once. Just go with the flow during baseball season and rest assured that it does get easier (on the parents at least) when they shift from league sports to school teams!

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

I love hearing about the stepfamilies that work to make it good!

And, I have to say, 18 degrees would stink, but I could breastfeed anywhere! Staying up late for a 4 month old isn't an issue, imo.

 

[luvsJack]

Just be thankful he is an involved dad. My sons' father never even bothered to attend a game; no matter how many times they asked him to be there. They still resent him and their step-mom because of it (my youngest ds no longer communicates with his father at all).

Baseball season is only a portion of the year. There is still plenty of time for him to devote to your daughter. You have two children. Sometimes all the attention will be on one and sometimes on the other. Thats the way it is with more than one kid in the family. The first thing that may help is to stop thinking of him as a "step" son, and just a son.

 

[cheermom1]

op there are lots of step boards for support i recommend you google for one. I would recommend one but can't.

 

[RachelEllen]

The first thing that may help is to stop thinking of him as a "step" son, and just a son.

Honestly, although it's an important part of the dynamic, I don't think this is primarily a stepfamily issue. However, to address this point specifically, I'd rather we call each other what we are: stepmom and stepson and make those positive things. I don't feel its respectful to his mom to call him my son. (Just as I'd never dream of calling myself his mom)

 

[bumbershoot]

Losing a few hours a week of her husband's time to a quality activity with his child is not a hardship. Frankly I feel sorry for the dad. He is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

Well, I can see that losing time for something like that could be a hardship. When my dad's second family was new, I could imagine that the time with me and my brother made things more difficult, especially b/c we lived around an hour away from my dad's place. My dad is not the most normal person, and he didn't show up WAY more times than he ever DID show up for something, but other than that (and he did that before he and my mom divorced, and does it now for his second family...he's just kind of a cruddy father and husband, though a great friend!) we never felt like we were a burden, but looking back I'm SURE that we were.

Going through a divorce causes the damned if you do/don't problems, period. It's never going to be normal again, for anyone. Having another family makes it that much harder. I feel bad for them all.

If I ever split with my wife, my kids will always trump anything or anyone else. ALWAYS.

The issue is, if you split, then remarry, and then have further children, THAT is when "kids trumping all" becomes a HUGE problem. Which kid comes first? What kid would come first if they were all from one wife? What would have been the normal way of doing things, addressing problems, if there hadn't been a divorce and remarriage?

That's the problem here. The husband wants to do right by his first child, but is NOT totally doing right by his second child. Sure, she's a baby right now, but I bet that he wasn't taking off for so many hours a week with his first child when he was an infant.

It's easy to say "children trump all", but once you have children with a next wife, that's when things get really really tricky.

And I say this as the oldest kid! Who was neglected by her father! And still I have empathy. (the dad unit would have neglected us regardless...and frankly I'll take his neglect of me and my brother over the emotional and verbal abuse he throws on his second family)

I had a hateful step parent. It is absolutely a visceral reaction when I see some woman think her new family trumps the child all ready in the picture.

That really is NOT what she said. She resents the lack of control she has over a situation that directly effects her. Not the child.

But, when I see my daughter, my heart melts in a way it never has before. I can see, how if it were her, this would not seem like such a sacrifice. (I may get totally flamed for this. I'm just being honest)

Self-realization should never be flamed, as long as the realization can continue on to more understanding. And I think you can take that realization and see that your husband feels that way towards BOTH of his children. One is older and can verbally request things. The other is tiny and is, especially b/c you're nursing, much more dependent on YOU than she is on her father. I can't even imagine having a tiny baby and needing to WOH...and hubby has told me how he feels he misses SO much time with DS b/c of working...if he'd had another child he would have been a frantic mess, trying to meet everyone's needs... Like I said, I feel bad for all of you, and I hope your hubby is able to calm down a bit and let you have a bit more say in things than he is now.

 

[Magic Mom]

That's the problem here. The husband wants to do right by his first child, but is NOT totally doing right by his second child. Sure, she's a baby right now, but I bet that he wasn't taking off for so many hours a week with his first child when he was an infant.

How on Earth is a three month comitment of three afternoons a week
going to take away from that baby? That baby doesn't know any different, and as she grows up it will only benefit her to see the solid bond that the dad has with his son. Why should the dad be denied the enjoyment of helping to coach his son's team? Maybe he realizes how stinking hard the divorce and consequent "new family" (not reflecting this on the OP at all) was on his son and is taking extra measures to make sure he feels loved and included. Good for him. It too bad ALL divorced parents can't be that devoted.

That really is NOT what she said. She resents the lack of control she has over a situation that directly effects her. Not the child.

What kind of control do you think she needs? The kid joined a team....I'm pretty sure if they all asked her permission she would have said yes, so what's the problem?