Spinoff of the Special Snowflake Thread - Your Biggest Parenting Regret (Babies)

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Wow a lot of hatred for breastfeeding and the L.L.L. I was a L.L.L. leader but in our group our goal was to help people that wanted our help. Not to harass them, make them keep breastfeeding, or make them feel guilty if they didn't breastfeed. I was never of the mind that everyone had to breastfeed. Everything always depended on the Mum and the baby and their life not mine. I did breastfeed my 2nd and 4th. I didn't breastfeed my first because I was told that I would kill my baby if I tried. That I was to young and that my milk would have been bad for her. Fast forward 16 months later and I had gained experience and more confidence I was determined to breastfeed my 2nd. It was a little difficult but I did it. My 3rd child died 3 days after birth so I didn't breastfeed him. My 4th took to it like a duck to water. My regret was that I didn't face down the people that were so horrible with my first.
I also regret that because of the way I was raised I started to raise my kids the same way. Not good. I have apologized many times and I did improve. I look after my grandkids the way I wish I had looked after my own kids.
What I tell new mothers that you need to listen to yourself and do what is best for you and your family not what anyone else thinks. As for the way you feed your baby the same advice should be used.

I don't think it's hatred for breastfeeding, most of the moms here who mentioned it said they wanted it to work out and it didn't, as the the LLL, if that's the kind of leader you were, that's fantastic, and I wish there were more like you, unfortunately, there are many out there who are militantly adamant that you must breastfeed, and if you don't, there's something wrong with you so you must be shamed into it. I couldn't breastfeed due to major surgery at 21, yet I still got the lecture on how much better for the baby it was, and even had a very nasty nurse try to tell me after 20 hours of labor and a c-section that she woke me up after 2 hours of sleep because I needed to feed the baby, I almost killed her!!!!! I fed the baby lots and lots of times, but just after a huge ordeal, even before the anesthesia was completely worn off, not a good time!

I'm working hard on not having any regrets, I don't regret formula feeding, it was my only option. I guess, my one regret may be that we put DS in kindergarden at the first opportunity he had. He's doing fine, but I do second guess myself sometimes and wonder if he might be doing better if we had held him back a year.

 

[tigercat]

It is sad when people are militant about things. I worked at a Health Food Store for many years. If you want militant people work there. I guess I have always been one who thinks that people need to do what they need to do. However, having said that I got so much flak about breastfeeding that it was hard sometimes not to get more forceful. Now my feeding time was over 30 yrs ago so times were different then. There wasn't as much help for nursing Mums where I lived.
tigercat

 

[NHdisneylover]

Put yourself in the position of someone reading your post. You said a grown man is begging a child to sleep in bed with him or is putting the child in the bed after the child is asleep, even though the child likes his/her bed, and probably prefers to sleep there if they aren't voluntarily getting in the adult's bed when asked. Maybe it was the way you worded it, but if another person's child came up to you and said "daddy begs me to sleep in his bed" it would probably raise your eyebrows too if that is all the information you were given. I don't think the child's gender is the issue, or which gender parent it is.

I'm not passing judgement on how your family works, and I trust that you as the mother would know if something was going on since you are there too. But the way it was written made me do a double take also.

This.

Also. my thoughts are not about anything sexual going on at all. it is more about it being odd that an adult is clinging to a child for something (comfort maybe?) in the night, even though the child prefers to be on his own. If the little boy were afraid of the dark or having bad dreams, etc and asked to sleep with dad I would not think a thing of it--but the tables being turned and the dad "begging" to have the son join him feels "off" I guess.

I forgot that people take every single word literally on the dis. Whoops.

Granny square, you are over the top ridiculous.

First of all, where on this entire forum, or on the internet in general did anyone EVER say anything about not feeding an infant at night? I deal with delusional people on a daily basis. Seek help.

Not only do you get upset when someone makes a comment you disagree with, but you also target anyone who agrees with a comment that was made. Just because I don't believe the person who said they let their child cry it out is guilty of abuse, you want to stalk me? Creepy.

My children are both capable of sleeping alone, in the dark, and always have been. Should I type slower?

I have not seen anyone doubt that. THAT is what makes it odd that your husband insists on sleeping with your son. Based SOLELY on your post, it feels almost like your husband is treating your child as a comfort item (like a blanket or teddy bear), which doesn't seem very fair to your child, you know?

 

[Poohforyou]

I don't think it's bizarre.

He's not molesting him or something. We sleep together. He just likes "holding" him as he says and has been doing it for years now.

It's funny because he shied away from doing things like that with our daughter (taking baths as a baby, sleeping together, etc) so he wouldn't ever be in a position to be accused of anything funny, but even sleeping with our little boy, there are people who will think there's something wrong with it.

Your dh drags your son into your bed sometimes after he's asleep in his own bed and you don't think that's odd at all? Seems like a boundary issue to me. Even at a young age kids shouldn't be forced to have unnecessary physical contact with adults (ie cuddle with mom or dad, kiss grandma etc).

 

[cabanafrau]

I forgot that people take every single word literally on the dis. Whoops.

Granny square, you are over the top ridiculous.

First of all, where on this entire forum, or on the internet in general did anyone EVER say anything about not feeding an infant at night? I deal with delusional people on a daily basis. Seek help.

Not only do you get upset when someone makes a comment you disagree with, but you also target anyone who agrees with a comment that was made. Just because I don't believe the person who said they let their child cry it out is guilty of abuse, you want to stalk me? Creepy.

My children are both capable of sleeping alone, in the dark, and always have been. Should I type slower?

I deal with delusional people almost daily as well. I also routinely deal with crime, murder, sexual abuse, etc., etc., daily. I won't even tell you what a large portion of my day yesterday revolved around.

People who aren't surrounded by all the heartache I am everyday have chimed in here to give you an alert that what you described is neither normal or healthy. At the very least the suggestion that your husband is using your child as a comfort item is absolutely on the money. You outlined a pretty strong obsessive/compulsive behavior on your husband's part. You also described your child's desire to sleep in his own bed, which his mother is aware of and IGNORES!

Something strong is driving that compulsion. Instead of advising others to get help, I beg you to listen to your child's needs and help him instead.

 

[Janepod]

Your dh drags your son into your bed sometimes after he's asleep in his own bed and you don't think that's odd at all? Seems like a boundary issue to me. Even at a young age kids shouldn't be forced to have unnecessary physical contact with adults (ie cuddle with mom or dad, kiss grandma etc).

(Sorry, I know you're not the OP - I agree with you.) To OP: It is creepy and weird. Tell your husband that if he wants to hold someone, he can hold you. This is very unfair to your child -- you're supposed to advocate for the child! Please do not let this continue; it will create bigger problems for your family the longer it goes on.

 

[wvjules]

I forget that people take the written word so literally. When I said "begs" I'm sure you must be envisioning a grown man kneeling down, bribing a child who is kicking and screaming, and saying something like, "Pretty please? I'll give you candy."

It's more like, "Are you going to sleep in our room tonight?" ...."No."...."Why not? I'll keep you warm." ....."Okaaay," and then he goes to our room. We stay up for awhile. The end.

I've also been known to say things like, "I'm torturing my kids with 80's music," but that doesn't mean I have them locked in a room, causing damage to their ear drums, and dripping water in between their eyeballs while playing, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

If and when my son starts resisting sleeping in our bed, which I'm sure will be soon, then it'll stop.

Maybe nobody assumed anything sexual, but I just thought if it were a mother who said she simply liked having her 6 year old daughter sleep with her even though she was able to sleep alone, nobody would raise a brow.

I think it's sweet. My husband didn't have a dad when he was growing up, and even though he's the definition of a "manly man," he acts like a teddy bear when it comes to his child. Maybe he has daddy issues from his own childhood, or maybe he just misses his son after spending 14 hours at work and not getting to see or hold him other than when he's asleep? Who knows.

OMG that makes it sound worse!

 

[Janepod]

Direct the husband to this thread:http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=3060601

 

[Janepod]

I think it's way more creepy and weird when men go to work all day, never see their kids, and everyone thinks it's "normal" because mom's there.

No; this is much creepier.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think it's way more creepy and weird when men go to work all day, never see their kids, and everyone thinks it's "normal" because mom's there.

Please let me have been catfished, please let me have been catfished, please let me have been catfished.

I am actually sick to my stomach thinking there's an eyelash of a chance that a kid is in this much danger.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

DisneyAtLast, maybe there is more to this story than what you are sharing and that's why everyone else finds it odd when you don't. In any case, I do think that the fact that every other poster on this thread who has commented on your post agrees that there is something out of the ordinary going on. If you know any therapists, maybe you could ask them their opinion. If you don't, maybe you could call Dr. Laura (1-800-Dr Laura) or another radio therapist and get a second opinion by a trained professional.

 

[cabanafrau]

I forget that people take the written word so literally. When I said "begs" I'm sure you must be envisioning a grown man kneeling down, bribing a child who is kicking and screaming, and saying something like, "Pretty please? I'll give you candy."

It's more like, "Are you going to sleep in our room tonight?" ...."No."...."Why not? I'll keep you warm." ....."Okaaay," and then he goes to our room. We stay up for awhile. The end.

I've also been known to say things like, "I'm torturing my kids with 80's music," but that doesn't mean I have them locked in a room, causing damage to their ear drums, and dripping water in between their eyeballs while playing, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

If and when my son starts resisting sleeping in our bed, which I'm sure will be soon, then it'll stop.

Maybe nobody assumed anything sexual, but I just thought if it were a mother who said she simply liked having her 6 year old daughter sleep with her even though she was able to sleep alone, nobody would raise a brow.

I think it's sweet. My husband didn't have a dad when he was growing up, and even though he's the definition of a "manly man," he acts like a teddy bear when it comes to his child. Maybe he has daddy issues from his own childhood, or maybe he just misses his son after spending 14 hours at work and not getting to see or hold him other than when he's asleep? Who knows.

The fact that you make the distinction here that your DH is getting questioned merely because he's a man, yet previously told us he carefully chose not to engage in the same behavior with your daughter is chilling -- and can be found in textbooks.

 

[kimblebee]

Are you mental?

I know many people on this forum have expressed that they have separate bedrooms and don't even sleep with their spouse. So, maybe I should clarify that it's ME, our SIX year old son (not 13 year old), and my husband sleeping in the SAME queen sized bed.

Danger? Get real. I have a degree in early childhood development and a bachelor's in nursing. If I can sleep in a queen sized bed with my son in the middle and not know there's "danger" then I would need to be shot.

Of course, I'm being judged by people who don't sleep in the same beds or even rooms as their spouses, don't let their children cry, and think that men serving as banks while they play parent is "normal."

I'm sorry you are getting all these weird comments. When I read your original post I did think it was weird but I didn't think for one SECOND that your son was in danger. Way to make a mountain out of a molehill people. Geez

 

[cabanafrau]

Are you mental?

I know many people on this forum have expressed that they have separate bedrooms and don't even sleep with their spouse. So, maybe I should clarify that it's ME, our SIX year old son (not 13 year old), and my husband sleeping in the SAME queen sized bed.

Danger? Get real. I have a degree in early childhood development and a bachelor's in nursing. If I can sleep in a queen sized bed with my son in the middle and not know there's "danger" then I would need to be shot.

Of course, I'm being judged by people who don't sleep in the same beds or even rooms as their spouses, don't let their children cry, and think that men serving as banks while they play parent is "normal."

I'm neither mental, nor do any of the other things in your final sentence apply to me. I have no degrees in early childhood development or nursing and don't share that queen size bed with you. I can however state quite clearly that what you have described is child abuse, providing of course you are in fact giving real details about real people. I sure hope you're not.

 

[wvjules]

Are you mental?

I know many people on this forum have expressed that they have separate bedrooms and don't even sleep with their spouse. So, maybe I should clarify that it's ME, our SIX year old son (not 13 year old), and my husband sleeping in the SAME queen sized bed.

Danger? Get real. I have a degree in early childhood development and a bachelor's in nursing. If I can sleep in a queen sized bed with my son in the middle and not know there's "danger" then I would need to be shot.

Of course, I'm being judged by people who don't sleep in the same beds or even rooms as their spouses, don't let their children cry, and think that men serving as banks while they play parent is "normal."

Wow...just, wow!

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I'll pass on Dr. Laura. I'll just wait for the DIS'ers to find their new target which is probably happening already or will be in about....3....2....1...

And that's your choice. I agree that your son is likely not in any real danger, but I do think that he is in an odd situation. I think that your husband could benefit from talking to someone. You said that your son will tell you husband that he wants to sleep in his own room and your husband will talk him into sleeping in your bed. Other times, your son wants to sleep in his own bed and your husband will wait until he falls asleep and then carry him into your bed. There is a reason for this. There is a reason that your husband is not respecting your child's wishes. I don't know if it is comfort, fear of something happening to your son, or what, but there is a reason for it and he needs to face those reasons.

 

[Janepod]

Are you mental?

I know many people on this forum have expressed that they have separate bedrooms and don't even sleep with their spouse. So, maybe I should clarify that it's ME, our SIX year old son (not 13 year old), and my husband sleeping in the SAME queen sized bed.

Danger? Get real. I have a degree in early childhood development and a bachelor's in nursing. If I can sleep in a queen sized bed with my son in the middle and not know there's "danger" then I would need to be shot.

Of course, I'm being judged by people who don't sleep in the same beds or even rooms as their spouses, don't let their children cry, and think that men serving as banks while they play parent is "normal."

Well, I wouldn't post something on a message board if I wasn't comfortable being judged about it. Such is the nature of the Internet.

If you really have a degree in early childhood development, you must know that developing boundaries is an important skill/milestone for children. So is autonomy over one's own body. Your son is trying to set boundaries (reasonable, normal boundaries) and your husband is disregarding that, with your support. Don't you want your child to know how to have personal boundaries, to know how to say to people that he doesn't want to be touched? How do you expect him to develop this important skill if you are not setting a good example at home? What if someone else wants to touch him inappropriately? Do you think he will feel confident enough to say no if his wishes are disregarded by his own parents, in his own home?

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Wow, a shimmer of logic.

He thinks it's too cold in his room for one thing. It is cold in his room, but I'm sure that's not the only reason. It's probably a mixture of wanting to hold him because he doesn't see him all day when he's working. Some men miss their kids. There might be a little "fear of something happening" to him too. I'm only making assumptions.

I know for sure that I'm not an itty bitty thing and with 3 people in a queen sized bed + a dog...you'd have to be paralyzed not to feel someone pull the blanket, much less miss someone being abused. Once again, if he were older than I might lean towards creepy, but at 6...I don't see it as creepy at all. "Co-sleeping" which is exactly what it is actually is very common. It's also very controversial and people get heated over it. I didn't realize what I thought was a simple comment amongst other comments was going to start a battle. I'm seeing a trend though.

I don't think it is the co-sleeping that is causing the controversy. At least, that isn't what caught my attention. I think the thing that caused a red flag for most people was that your son says he wants to sleep in his room and your husband doesn't take that as an answer. He will beg and convince your son to sleep in your bed when your son has already expressed a desire to be in his own bed. Or, your husband will take him our of his room and bring him to your bed. Co-sleeping is for comfort of the child. In the situation you described, it is for the comfort of your grown husband. That's what concerned people.

 

[U2_rocks!]

Well, I wouldn't post something on a message board if I wasn't comfortable being judged about it. Such is the nature of the Internet.

If you really have a degree in early childhood development, you must know that developing boundaries is an important skill/milestone for children. So is autonomy over one's own body. Your son is trying to set boundaries (reasonable, normal boundaries) and your husband is disregarding that, with your support. Don't you want your child to know how to have personal boundaries, to know how to say to people that he doesn't want to be touched? How do you expect him to develop this important skill if you are not setting a good example at home? What if someone else wants to touch him inappropriately? Do you think he will feel confident enough to say no if his wishes are disregarded by his own parents, in his own home?

This is the "danger" I see. My mind just doesn't tend toward assuming the dad might molest the child (that's a worse case scenario) - but if he is consistently disregarding the son's wishes and convincing the son that he really would prefer to be in dad's bed (when the son hadn't planned to be), that is teaching the son things that could be dangerous in the long run.

I understand that dad misses son and wants to spend some time with him in physical contact. That's an issue that needs to be solved, but "dragging" son into bed with him at night isn't the best solution. If dad can't get home earlier, can they maybe have some early morning time instead? Or can he make up for it as much as possible on dad's days off?

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think it is the co-sleeping that is causing the problem. At least, that isn't what caught my attention. I think the thing that caused a red flag for most people was that your son says he wants to sleep in his room and your husband doesn't take that as an answer. He will beg and convince your son to sleep in your bed when your son has already expressed a desire to be in his own bed. Or, your husband will take him our of his room and bring him to your bed. Co-sleeping is for comfort of the child. In the situation you described, it is for the comfort of your grown husband. That's what concerned people.

Another glimmer of logic.

I'm also logically wondering if the daughter's room is warm enough, the son has ever even complained he cannot sleep because he's too cold, or if dad misses the daughter while he's at work all day. I've heard lots to logically clue me in about what dad needs.