Spinoff of the Special Snowflake Thread - Your Biggest Parenting Regret (Babies)

[Granny square]

I know another! I cannot remember how many times I got irritated with a kid only to have the child feverish by evening. There were also a couple of times I should have advocated more for my child. I didn't want to look as though I thought mine was perfect or could do no wrong.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I have one regret and another that I wouldn't call a regret, but I know I would do differently if I ever have a second child.

Regret: We hadn't planned my daughter and my husband was still in grad school finishing up his PhD when she came alone. This meant that I had to go back to work (I had always intended to be a SAHM) and left my daughter with my mother. Now, that's not my regret as my mother was excellent with her. However, I was a teacher and my principal wasn't the best with new and nursing mothers. She was certain that there was no way I could do both my job and be a new mother, so she was in my classroom multiple times a day asking me if I was sure I was getting my lesson plans done (I always got them turned in on time), randomly quizzing my kids (who, btw, always passed her stupid little quizzes), and just micromanaging me. She also decided that she wanted me to try co-teaching with a general ed teacher, but coudln't make up her mind which class period I would be in her classroom. My schedule was constantly changing which made pumping on schedule next to impossible. My final schedule ended up with me having my conference period and my lunch period back to back. I tried pumping on my conference period, but I shared a classroom so I needed a private place to pump. She took issue with this and told me that I needed to do that on my own time and not during working hours. So then I was only able to pump during my lunch break. By this point, the stress and the inconsistent pumping led to low milk production. My doctor suggested that my daughter come up to the school during my lunch break to nurse as babies can always get more than a breast pump can. My principal took serious issue with this. Now, understand that multiple teachers had their husbands, parents, friends, or children join them for lunch on multiple occasions as this is supposed to be our own time. My principal said that my situation was different because none of them were requesting a private place - they all just sat in the lounge. I wanted a room to nurse my daughter so I didn't have to take my breast out in front of teachers, children, and such. The stress and inconsistent pumping/nursing really did a number on my production. However, since I was nursing exclusively at this point and not pumping, I didn't realize how much until we noticed my daughter was losing weight. At her seventh month check up, she was diagnosed with failure to thrive due to her weight loss. We had to supplement with formula, which I was fine with except for the realization that she was on formula because I wasn't standing up for myself and my child. I met with HR in early November and was able to leave mid-semester and still get paid for the year. I always wished I had spoken up earlier instead of just trying to keep the peace.



Differently: For the first few weeks of my daughter's life, I was absolutely terrified of SIDS. Like most infants, she didn't want to sleep in her crib. We had her sleep in her carrier/car seat and that worked well for her. Unfortunately, I was a nutty first time mother who was convinced that my little baby, who couldn't even hold her own head up, would be able to roll over and smother in her carrier. So, at night, I would sit up watching her sleep to make sure that her blanket didn't creep up over her face and that she didn't roll over and smother. I was exhausted. I would stay up until someone else in the house (we stayed at my parents the first few weeks) was up. Then, I would ask them to watch her and I would get about an hour to an hour and a half of sleep before I had to get up to feed her. I was absolutely exhausted.

 

[jennyjinx3]

I have one regret and another that I wouldn't call a regret, but I know I would do differently if I ever have a second child.

Regret: We hadn't planned my daughter and my husband was still in grad school finishing up his PhD when she came alone. This meant that I had to go back to work (I had always intended to be a SAHM) and left my daughter with my mother. Now, that's not my regret as my mother was excellent with her. However, I was a teacher and my principal wasn't the best with new and nursing mothers. She was certain that there was no way I could do both my job and be a new mother, so she was in my classroom multiple times a day asking me if I was sure I was getting my lesson plans done (I always got them turned in on time), randomly quizzing my kids (who, btw, always passed her stupid little quizzes), and just micromanaging me. She also decided that she wanted me to try co-teaching with a general ed teacher, but coudln't make up her mind which class period I would be in her classroom. My schedule was constantly changing which made pumping on schedule next to impossible. My final schedule ended up with me having my conference period and my lunch period back to back. I tried pumping on my conference period, but I shared a classroom so I needed a private place to pump. She took issue with this and told me that I needed to do that on my own time and not during working hours. So then I was only able to pump during my lunch break. By this point, the stress and the inconsistent pumping led to low milk production. My doctor suggested that my daughter come up to the school during my lunch break to nurse as babies can always get more than a breast pump can. My principal took serious issue with this. Now, understand that multiple teachers had their husbands, parents, friends, or children join them for lunch on multiple occasions as this is supposed to be our own time. My principal said that my situation was different because none of them were requesting a private place - they all just sat in the lounge. I wanted a room to nurse my daughter so I didn't have to take my breast out in front of teachers, children, and such. The stress and inconsistent pumping/nursing really did a number on my production. However, since I was nursing exclusively at this point and not pumping, I didn't realize how much until we noticed my daughter was losing weight. At her seventh month check up, she was diagnosed with failure to thrive due to her weight loss. We had to supplement with formula, which I was fine with except for the realization that she was on formula because I wasn't standing up for myself and my child. I met with HR in early November and was able to leave mid-semester and still get paid for the year. I always wished I had spoken up earlier instead of just trying to keep the peace.



Differently: For the first few weeks of my daughter's life, I was absolutely terrified of SIDS. Like most infants, she didn't want to sleep in her crib. We had her sleep in her carrier/car seat and that worked well for her. Unfortunately, I was a nutty first time mother who was convinced that my little baby, who couldn't even hold her own head up, would be able to roll over and smother in her carrier. So, at night, I would sit up watching her sleep to make sure that her blanket didn't creep up over her face and that she didn't roll over and smother. I was exhausted. I would stay up until someone else in the house (we stayed at my parents the first few weeks) was up. Then, I would ask them to watch her and I would get about an hour to an hour and a half of sleep before I had to get up to feed her. I was absolutely exhausted.

HUGS to you!! Especially for the bolded!! Yes we act a bit nutty with our first. I did too, and lots of people won't ever let me forget it. Pretty hard to forgive yourself for it, when others never will let it go.

 

[Arielle22]

When both our daughters were young, we would make sure they were warm, covering with blankets, clothes, coats, mittens etc. When my younger DD was old enough to speak she told us she was always hot! So we left off some layers and she was happy. It is only this past winters (now 17) that she feels the cold in the winter.

For both my girls I felt bad that I worked and went to school at night. DH worked full time so I would drive the girls to the college with me and DH would meet us there. He would get in my car and drive the girls home while I went to class.

Because of this I always stressed to my girls that they should do college right after high school and before having children.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

HUGS to you!! Especially for the bolded!! Yes we act a bit nutty with our first. I did too, and lots of people won't ever let me forget it. Pretty hard to forgive yourself for it, when others never will let it go.

HUGS back! I can't believe that people are still giving you a hard time about the nutty things you did. Of course you did nutty things! You were 100% responsible for another human being who was completely incapable of not only taking care of him/herself, but couldn't even vocalize what was needed in the first place. I will say this, though. Nothing has ever raised my self esteem like having my daughter. Knowing that I am responsible for another human and that she relies on me 100% to provide for her, and seeing that she is provided for really helps me to feel good about myself. Nothing I ever did at school or work compares to that job well done. Have I screwed up? Yeap. Is my daughter alive, well, and thriving? Yeap. Maybe you can use that to help you, too. I mean, sure you did nutty things. But look at your child and how well you have actually done!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My oldest daughter is 18...there is not enough space on the page to list all of the mistakes I think I made.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but to me, mistakes are quite different than regrets. I mean, there's definitely some overlap, but you can make mistakes without having regrets. That's how I feel about it. Sure, I made plenty of mistakes, but I have very few regrets, especially when it comes to parenting style. I'd probably be the same if I had it to do all over again. (I only got to do it once with twins.)

Regret: We hadn't planned my daughter and my husband was still in grad school finishing up his PhD when she came alone. This meant that I had to go back to work (I had always intended to be a SAHM) and left my daughter with my mother. Now, that's not my regret as my mother was excellent with her. However, I was a teacher and my principal wasn't the best with new and nursing mothers. She was certain that there was no way I could do both my job and be a new mother, so she was in my classroom multiple times a day asking me if I was sure I was getting my lesson plans done (I always got them turned in on time), randomly quizzing my kids (who, btw, always passed her stupid little quizzes), and just micromanaging me. She also decided that she wanted me to try co-teaching with a general ed teacher, but coudln't make up her mind which class period I would be in her classroom. My schedule was constantly changing which made pumping on schedule next to impossible. My final schedule ended up with me having my conference period and my lunch period back to back. I tried pumping on my conference period, but I shared a classroom so I needed a private place to pump. She took issue with this and told me that I needed to do that on my own time and not during working hours. So then I was only able to pump during my lunch break. By this point, the stress and the inconsistent pumping led to low milk production. My doctor suggested that my daughter come up to the school during my lunch break to nurse as babies can always get more than a breast pump can. My principal took serious issue with this. Now, understand that multiple teachers had their husbands, parents, friends, or children join them for lunch on multiple occasions as this is supposed to be our own time. My principal said that my situation was different because none of them were requesting a private place - they all just sat in the lounge. I wanted a room to nurse my daughter so I didn't have to take my breast out in front of teachers, children, and such. The stress and inconsistent pumping/nursing really did a number on my production. However, since I was nursing exclusively at this point and not pumping, I didn't realize how much until we noticed my daughter was losing weight. At her seventh month check up, she was diagnosed with failure to thrive due to her weight loss. We had to supplement with formula, which I was fine with except for the realization that she was on formula because I wasn't standing up for myself and my child. I met with HR in early November and was able to leave mid-semester and still get paid for the year. I always wished I had spoken up earlier instead of just trying to keep the peace.

That's a sad story. I never had to deal with pumping but in my workplace people are given time and coverage to go pump privately without much difficulty. I'm sorry you have regrets about it. But it sounds like you were doing the best you could trying to manage everything. Don't be too hard on yourself - your child had the benefit of getting some of your immunity and that's a good thing, even if there was weight loss and FTT. And don't let anyone tell you any differently. I'm sure your child benefitted from the colostrum and breast milk that she did get. Try to think of it that way.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

That's a sad story. I never had to deal with pumping but in my workplace people are given time and coverage to go pump privately without much difficulty. I'm sorry you have regrets about it. But it sounds like you were doing the best you could trying to manage everything. Don't be too hard on yourself - your child had the benefit of getting some of your immunity and that's a good thing, even if there was weight loss and FTT. And don't let anyone tell you any differently. I'm sure your child benefitted from the colostrum and breast milk that she did get. Try to think of it that way.

Thank you

 

[Baliezer]

I wish I would not have been so strict with my older two preteen daughters. It ruined their self confidence and I work everyday on trying to build it back up. I tried to do everything by the book because I felt that because I was young, I did not want to be judged by other people. I trained them at an early age to be quiet in public and respect other people. I went too far with it. If someone else tells them what to do, they do it, no questions asked. I have to remind them that they have an opinion as well and that it is ok to state it. That if they don't like a situation, it is ok to argue with people. That they need to stand up for themselves. I have started making them pick out all of their clothing, at the store and in the mornings when they get dressed. Halloween is the hardest. I refuse to pick out their costumes anymore. Last year we were three days before Halloween before my oldest finally picked something out.

They are very independent. That was never the problem. They just ask me before they do anything. Like taking a shower, or getting a snack. I have to constantly let them know that they do not have to ask.

 

[DisneyATlast]

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[Shea&Van]

I absolutely LOVE this thread! And, it came along at the perfect time.

Just had a good cry in the ladies room and really needed to hear back from some other parents.

My oldest called me this morning (as she does every day before school) to lament the fact that she has to go to her child care center even though her elementary school is closed for parent teacher conferences. She said it wasn't fair that I was working and all her classmates got to stay home with their mamas and she had to go to day care. I have been beating myself up all morning about it. Doesn't help that one of my much older co-workers has to constantly remind me that she stayed home until her child was in high school. And has to add "too bad you can't stay home and raise your kids." GRRRRRR

Seriously though, I probably wish I COULD work part-time. It's just not that easy for most people. At least for women in my line of work, you tend to get mommy-tracked, your retirement contributions fall and you just can never catch up.

However, I have an incredible working environment and super-flexible boss. I work a compressed schedule so every day I'm "off" I volunteer in my daughter's classroom at elementary school. Then, I grab my two little ones and we get to spend extra special Mommy time together before Dad and big sis get home

I think whomever sayd "we are doing our best" is right on! Furthermore, it would make life much easier if we as moms didn't judge others so much. I could go on and on with all the critisisms I hear from my mother-in-law (who promised me my kids first words would be day care) to my horrible sister-in-law (who is constantly telling me how much I miss on the daily with my kids). Can't we just respect one another and be positive?

Luckily, my work is very supportive of new moms and I was able to take 4-5 months off with each of my babies and then continue to pump while at work until they were 9 months old. I'm very lucky to have had a supportive lactation consultant and a mom and sisters who were very patient and helpful. It really makes me sad to read that some lactation folks were so awful to you all! It really is a personal choice and we should all mind our own business.

I'm going on and on again...I have regrets all the time. Am I doing the right thing by working full time? Should I be more strict with them when they are on yellow at school? Will my husband and I ever have anything to talk about when the kids leave the nest? Am I paranoid because I don't let them go to other children's houses if I don't really know the parents? Will I ever learn to appreciate the time when they are little because the grow SO fast? Have I taken enough pictures and video to really capture this time? Am I teaching them everything I can about being a great person? Do we need to get to chruch more than the major holidays? How can I be less stressed with them when I know they are just kids?

The list could go on and on...I just try to remember I am doing the very best I can do. I hope one day they appreciate me and can understand why I made the choices I made. I used to think my mom was a nut, but now I realize she is a superhero

Hugs to all you wonderful parents. Let's be kind to one another.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Granny square]

Most parents do the best they can and most kids turn out ok. Everybody has issues and stuff to learn and things to change. I wish that moms felt more comfortable in their own skin. It seems like lots of the time it is the screwed up ones that do!

22 years down the path I see all the kids that my oldest has known since birth and think about plus talking and arguing and fretting over choices. There isn't a bad egg in the lot.

 

[nchulka]

Both of my kids slept in their own cribs/beds as infants and babies. My husband started dragging our second child (son) into the bed with us when he was 1-2 years old and STILL does it now that he's almost 7! My son is perfectly fine sleeping in his own bed (as my daughter has always done) but my husband will practically beg him to come sleep with us or even go get him and carry him to our bed after he's asleep! I can't say I have regrets about that either as it's not really a "problem" but more of a preference. I actually like co-sleeping most of the time, until I start getting smacked across the head!

That seems really bizarre, have you asked your DH why he does this?

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I agree that women are so hard on each other. I've never had a man come up to me and criticize my breast feeding decisions or child rearing skills or decision to work. Yet other moms felt free to do this all along. One day I wised up and told some moms to myob lest I start to criticize the choices they made in rearing their own perfect children.

We do the best that we can.

My favorite story is this. A good friend attended her son's college graduation. She gave him lovely card with a sizeable check inside. The message of the card was go buy yourself something you really want or spend it on psychotherapy. Either way, I never want to hear about all the ways I screwed you up as a kid. I did the best I could.

Yep! I'll be doing this when DS graduates from college!

KC

 

[TLSnell1981]

I listened to advice from mom, mother-in-law, etc., but I wish...I'd had more confidence in myself. I should've followed my instincts more often.

 

[DisneyATlast]

deleted

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I don't think it's bizarre.

He's not molesting him or something. We sleep together. He just likes "holding" him as he says and has been doing it for years now.

It's funny because he shied away from doing things like that with our daughter (taking baths as a baby, sleeping together, etc) so he wouldn't ever be in a position to be accused of anything funny, but even sleeping with our little boy, there are people who will think there's something wrong with it.

Put yourself in the position of someone reading your post. You said a grown man is begging a child to sleep in bed with him or is putting the child in the bed after the child is asleep, even though the child likes his/her bed, and probably prefers to sleep there if they aren't voluntarily getting in the adult's bed when asked. Maybe it was the way you worded it, but if another person's child came up to you and said "daddy begs me to sleep in his bed" it would probably raise your eyebrows too if that is all the information you were given. I don't think the child's gender is the issue, or which gender parent it is.

I'm not passing judgement on how your family works, and I trust that you as the mother would know if something was going on since you are there too. But the way it was written made me do a double take also.

 

[Granny square]

Lol, so it is bad to feed an infant in the night but good to bring a 7 year old into your bed? That is pretty amazing.

What was the word you used...sheltered....

Too funny!

 

[tigercat]

Wow a lot of hatred for breastfeeding and the L.L.L. I was a L.L.L. leader but in our group our goal was to help people that wanted our help. Not to harass them, make them keep breastfeeding, or make them feel guilty if they didn't breastfeed. I was never of the mind that everyone had to breastfeed. Everything always depended on the Mum and the baby and their life not mine. I did breastfeed my 2nd and 4th. I didn't breastfeed my first because I was told that I would kill my baby if I tried. That I was to young and that my milk would have been bad for her. Fast forward 16 months later and I had gained experience and more confidence I was determined to breastfeed my 2nd. It was a little difficult but I did it. My 3rd child died 3 days after birth so I didn't breastfeed him. My 4th took to it like a duck to water. My regret was that I didn't face down the people that were so horrible with my first.
I also regret that because of the way I was raised I started to raise my kids the same way. Not good. I have apologized many times and I did improve. I look after my grandkids the way I wish I had looked after my own kids.
What I tell new mothers that you need to listen to yourself and do what is best for you and your family not what anyone else thinks. As for the way you feed your baby the same advice should be used.

 

[DisneyATlast]

deleted

 

[Janepod]

Dana, I think if you had been breastfed you could have probably gotten 1600 on your SATs. I'm sorry but it's true.