sooo mad right now

[StrollPatrolMom]

My son's birthday is the 6th, and MIL has staked her claim on the July 4th holiday as well (they own a vacation home i nthe nothern part of the state and we are all obliged to attend, or else)

I thought July 4th belonged to Lady Liberty, but alas like every other holiday from Flag Day to Arbor day, its my MIL's




I may be standing my ground this year.

 

[EMom]

Those of you who do not see manipulation written all over this have obviously never had experience with a Master Manipulator. Those of us who are saying, "Oh yeah...MIL is definitely pulling a power play," can see it a mile away because we've BTDT. Poor thing....Pity your DH hasn't wised up to Mama's puppet string-pulling yet. It certainly helps when they learn to see that the Empress has no clothes.

Oh well....Tell MIL that you're sorry but that you had already realized what a PERFECT situation this year was, what with DD's b-day falling on a Saturday and all. You'd be able to have her party on her actual b-day and it be a convenient weekend, plus not have the problem of the 4th of July weekend. So you'd already had that time set aside. But they are more than welcome to come over to your house. Come on, the world's not going to come to an end if she doesn't have you over for barbeque on the 12th of July. You truly need to draw a line in the sand on this one. Really, the sooner the better.

MIL was put on notice early in our marriage that if she tried this crap, I'd come up the winner. Up until I came along, she was always the queen and her tears, fits and tantrums got her way every time. Then she met someone who didn't give a rat's hiney about her tears, fits and tantrums. Me. I stood my ground, she was forced to back down, and our lives are soooooo much easier than if we'd given in. Yes, she resents me, but who cares? The Queen was dethroned and it was about time. It's time for a coup in your family, IMHO.

 

[CJBaby]

My goodness people it is just a date.

Are you kidding?

So, if it's "only a date," why does her mil have to do on THAT date?? It's FEBRUARY and not only is she changing the 4th of July, a holiday NAMED AFTER THE DATE, but she's changing it to her grandaughter's birthday???

And I know partiess for birthdays are rarely on the actual date, but that's because they have to be held on a weekend! And the actual date is still special for the person! OP please don't change your daughter's birthday for drama! Stand strong!

 

[EMom]

Are you kidding?

So, if it's "only a date," why does her mil have to do on THAT date?? It's FEBRUARY and not only is she changing the 4th of July, a holiday NAMED AFTER THE DATE, but she's changing it to her grandaughter's birthday???

And I know partiess for birthdays are rarely on the actual date, but that's because they have to be held on a weekend! And the actual date is still special for the person! OP please don't change your daughter's birthday for drama! Stand strong!

That's right. On the surface, it's ONLY a date. But scratch the surface and it's about sooooo much more. A MIL planning a party months in advance, usurping a mother's rightful place to plan her own DD's party AND MIL knowing that in doing so, she will make some of the mother's family unwelcome at DD's b-day party and they will therefore not show up at the child's party. This is a power play supreme. If it wasn't, MIL would simply have the 12th of July party at her place and leave the child's b-day out of it entirely. The mom could then have the b-day cake at some other time that day, earlier or later, or even DURING the MIL's party. But no, MIL is trying to control the party and by virtue of family relationships, even the guest list.

So no.....It's not JUST about a date.

 

[believe]

Birthdays are a big thing here so this would be a major NO NO! I would go ahead and schedule the party, especially since it is her actual birthday.

DDs birthday is the day after Christmas and I have a niece who's birthday is the 20th, if we could only get together for Christmas on those dates then us getting together for Christmas wouldn't happen on either of those dates. You don't mess with our birthdays.

 

[Mkrop]

Are you kidding?

So, if it's "only a date," why does her mil have to do on THAT date?? It's FEBRUARY and not only is she changing the 4th of July, a holiday NAMED AFTER THE DATE, but she's changing it to her grandaughter's birthday???

And I know partiess for birthdays are rarely on the actual date, but that's because they have to be held on a weekend! And the actual date is still special for the person! OP please don't change your daughter's birthday for drama! Stand strong!

No I am not kidding. Maybe her party needs to be on a weekend too so people can travel to it or other work schedules, I dont know. I just dont ever get bent out of shape on trying to have my kids parties on their actual date. Sure it would be nice to have it on their actual bday but to many other things usually coincide like the opening of soccer season for DS10, Christmas functions for DS5, July 4th for DH (his bday is July 2) people's vactions for both of ours in the summer. I just dont care, at least I know now not to schedule that date and I would work on another.

And I get the whole MIL thing. Mine is a real gem at times too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The issue you have is with your dh, not your MIL.

One of the cardinal rules in our house is to allow the spouse to deal with their own family.

DH and I discuss our plans and then you go forth and lay the hammer down.

So work it out with your DH and then he works it out with his mother and you work it out with your father.

Fix it.

 

[lowie]

i haven't read all the reponses so i apologize if someone else said this, but if i were you i would ask DD what SHE wants for her b-day. from your siggy it would seem to me that either of your girls would be old enough to answer this on her own.

 

[EMom]

The issue you have is with your dh, not your MIL.

One of the cardinal rules in our house is to allow the spouse to deal with their own family.

DH and I discuss our plans and then you go forth and lay the hammer down.

So work it out with your DH and then he works it out with his mother and you work it out with your father.

Fix it.

I agree with this in THEORY, but it only works if your spouse has a backbone when it comes to dealing with his/her parents. You and your spouse have to be a united TEAM for this to work. I praise the dear lord that mine does. He lays down the law to his mama, she is certain I am the evil creature that is the cause of him no longer doing her bidding, and our lives are good. I didn't have to deal with my mother because she was reasonable.

It sounds like her DH is still under Mama's spell and doesn't want to rock Mama's boat or make her fret or unhappy in any way. God forbid Mama hear the word "No." He's taking Mama's side, not his wife's. Big mistake. He sleeps with his wife at night.....not Mama. At least for now........

 

[ajk912]

I just think it's funny that she is having a 4th of July party on July 12th. Seems kind of off to me. If she wants it on a Saturday, why not July 5th? That's a Saturday. It makes more sense to have a 4th of July party on July 4 or 5th than JULY 12th. And you can't play the work schedule game 5 months in advance..not many people know NOW that they have to work that weekend. Is she really THAT busy July 4th and 5th that she can't have her party then?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with this in THEORY, but it only works if your spouse has a backbone when it comes to dealing with his/her parents.

Of course which means she has a problem in her marriage.

Deflecting it onto the MIL because the spouse lacks a backbone will make you crazy.

Not to mention it is destroying her family. Her dad is now at odds with the MIL.

Her DH getting a backbone is primary.

One of the ways he gets one is too stand up straight to his mother. The more he stands up the stronger his back.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

I'm learning a lot in reading this thread. I wouldn't think this was a power play in any way. Just a really organized or obsessive planning person that has a tradition. My MIL always plans holidays almost a year in advance. It is a real pain to me, since with little ones, it is hard to know what each day will hold. But I never thought it was because she needed control or was manipulating.

How can you tell the difference between someone with a strong personality and someone who is truly controlling? (I am a push-over so, this is enlightening).

OP, July seems forever away. I'd hate to have to confirm plans for anything right now that much in advance (except a Disney trip of course!) Maybe keep your options open, just say thank you for the date, you'll keep it in mind, but it's too early to commit to anything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My MIL always plans holidays almost a year in advance. It is a real pain to me, since with little ones, it is hard to know what each day will hold. But I never thought it was because she needed control or was manipulating.

How can you tell the difference between someone with a strong personality and someone who is truly controlling? (I am a push-over so, this is enlightening).

This is an easy one to explain.

The MIL plans a party EVERY YEAR on her dd's B-Day on JULY in Feb.

That would be controlling.

The appropriate thing to do is to call the person and say what are your plans for your dd's b-day....then plan accordingly.

Think of it this way, would YOU treat YOUR grown children in this manner?

 

[diznygirl]

How can you tell the difference between someone with a strong personality and someone who is truly controlling? (I am a push-over so, this is enlightening).

Organized MIL would need to plan 4th of July party months in advance - but would notice that the 12th is her granddaughter's birthday. She would pick another day.

Manipulative MIL needs to plan 4th of July party months in advance - she notices that the 12th is GDD's bday, then announces said party to mother of said GDD so it's too late for the mother to do anything.

 

[disney4us2002]

Personally, my dh deflects all planning events or calendar-scheduling events to me so I would have no problem saying to MIL "Oh, I'm so sorry that you've chosen to have your 4th of July party on the 12th. As you are aware that is Katie's birthday and we won't be able to make it." If your dh is going to acquiesce to his mother however, I'm not sure what you can do.

BTW, my youngest ds' birthday is also July 12th!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, this is a marriage issue.

OP, you should say NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, to your MIL.

Speak with your DH.. Do not leave any room for negotiation.
Simply establish your boundaries. (NO arguing, NO negotiating, NO accusing your MIL of anything...)
Explain to him, quote: that "you will be spending your daughters birthday, with your daughter, in a way that will make her happy, and allow her to celebrate in a way appropriate for a young girl of that age.. (cake, balloons, etc..) and that you will not be taking your daughter to spend the day at a Fourth of July barbeque..." (simple, yet direct, and with an emphasis on the 'period' at the end.)

Tell your husband that you would like for her other grandparents to be able to celebrate your daughters birthday as well.

Let him know that he is free to accept his mothers invitation if he wishes, but that you and your daughter will have other plans.

This is NOT simply just a date... The fourth of July is a whole week before the 12th.. If MIL is so darned comfortable celebrating the Fourth of July on a day other than the Fourth of July, then there are 363 other days in the year available from which she can choose. Other than usurping your daughters birthday.

OP: set some boundaries with your DH.
Do not personally discuss controversial and heated topics like this with your MIL. Because, as you know, it is then always gonna be a no-win situation.

 

[Sandy321]

Easier said then done,, but I agree, if your dh is not with you, your family comes first - then there's not much you can do - you must communicate with him - but try and keep accusations out of it... do the "I" statements, "I feel..."

it took a few years for dh to "get" it, but he is so enjoying our family without all his families drama!! I think going camping for your dd bday is a wonderful idea -

but if you must do your dd bday party at your mil I would ask dh if you could rent those big blow up monstrosities - its not fair to have a child's party with adults (and at the adult party will there be adult "beverages" that concerns me also - it happens, but you may need to compromise - your mil put you in the position to "move your party to her house, so I'd move it indeed! How about like John and Kate + 8 and do a carnival theme, rent snow cone machines, cotton candy machines, hot dogs etc - make it fun for all!!

order prizes from the Oriental Trading company!! (they have an online site)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Easier said then done,, but I agree, if your dh is not with you, your family comes first - then there's not much you can do - you must communicate with him - but try and keep accusations out of it... do the "I" statements, "I feel..."

That is right! It may not be easy. Especially the first time... But, the right thing is not always the easiest, right...

Sandy, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your idea!!!!
OP, Have your husband 'inform' your MIL that you will come to her Fourth of July barbeque, as long as the invitation is also extended to about 10 of your DD's little friends, along with all the other party-gear.... (love the pony ride idea!!! ) and, of course, your family and relatives as well.

It would be interesting to see just how far that idea flys...

 

[Wishing on a star]

You know, there really is an issue here that I am not sure has really been mentioned...

As a mother, I feel that it is MY special right to plan a special birthday party for my child. I have planned ATV-4wheeler parties for my DS... John Deere Tractor parties... Monster Jam parties... etc... It is my sons special day, and as his mom, I want to plan a special day for him that he can enjoy with his friends.

I am sorry, but this is NOT 'just a date'.

MIL is definately stepping over some serious boundaries by assuming that she can usurp a parent's wish/right to plan a special birthday for their child. The OP has every right to be offended.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

MIL is definately stepping over some serious boundaries by assuming that she can usurp a parent's wish/right to plan a special birthday for their child. The OP has every right to be offended.

If anything it is just a complete lack of respect for her son's family.

The MIL wants to the "show" and somewhere along the lines this was acceptable to them.

If you don't attend things under the threat of "or else"....my family would have to do alot of "or else".

We are not like that. We communicate. I also do not fall to demands of controlling people.

If you do that you will find yourself toyed with or waffle-stomped. Oh yea they get pissed....but they can learn.