sooo mad right now

[irishprincess]

My dd bday is in july, so mil calls the other day and says "oh by the way our 4th of july picnic is going to be on the 12th" (work schedules and such). Well anyway dd bday is on the 12th. she said well she can invite a couple of friends and that will be her party. We go thru this about every other year. She tries to have her party. Not a big deal until my dad and her and fil had a falling out. they all were best friends and since now no one is talking to each other for about two years now, I am really upset. I do not first of all want to have dd6's bday party with a bunch of adults and a lot of people we do not know well, and second of all my dad will not be there. He is very sensitive and this would really upset him. So I said to my husband "can we just go somewhere that weekend, just our family to knoebles camping(something for her bday) have cake and party at a place when we get back?
Well he got mad because his mom is having this party and he thinks I am being unreasonable. I got mad and said "our immediate family comes first and do not wish to fight about this, and I think we should just go and have a good weekend no drama. His mom is all about the drama. She is probably just loving this. I do like my mil, but have to forgive a lot to be friends with her. so what to do? What do you all think? am I thinking correctly or is there a better way with no drama?

 

[Jennasis]

Well, the best compromise would be for you to plan a party for your DD on a day other than the 12th. In my family (due to work commitments) we rarely celebrated birthday son the actual day.

 

[Mkrop]

I am not following. How owuld you handle the ILs and your parents if you were going to have a prty on her actual bday? Do they all come for her sake? I guess I would tell MIL that you will be at her party but that you really want a separate date for your DD. Then pick another date. I dont get hung up on the date of parties anymore since I had DS5 and he is born two days after Christmas. We had his party a month after. It worked much better.

 

[irishprincess]

We usually do have cake the night of the actual bday. Usually at our house. Yup they will come. Avoid each other as best as they can. We have about an acre of land so they can spread out I just didn't think it would be right for her to have it at her house so my family couldn't come. Just don't won't to deal with drama and hurt feelings and think a kids bday is the wrong place to try to "stick it to someone else"

 

[irishprincess]

I was thinking this year would be easy to have cake on her bday with family because it is actually a weekend, thought wrong.

 

[Jennasis]

Orrrrrrr, you could tell MIL "thanks but no thanks" to the picnic invite and go about keeping your daughter's b'day tradition of a cake at home. Invite MIL too just to cover you rbases and then whoever comes, so be it.

Don't be mad. I would imagine your MIL didn't specifically set out to choose the date for her picnic JUST to alienate your dad. Just do what you want and the rest of them will have to deal.

 

[Jillpie]

My first thought when I read this...your MIL is a controlling freak. Here it is mid winter, and she is planning something on your daughter's 6th birthday already?? How utterly insensitive to her. . She's just a little girl! Now that makes ME really mad for your daughter. I say you put your foot down, but gently to MIL before this goes on any further. And tell her that you are having her birthday at your home, with her friends and that is the end of it. I say your MIL did this to stir you up, plain and simple. Don't know why, but why else would she plan something this far ahead, knowing perfectly well it is a CHILD'S birthday, you just don't mess with that. Whatever you do, don't tell your daughter she's done this, that will really hurt her. And just make it right, tell her what you want to do on that day and thats the end of that.

 

[MAKmom]

OP since your DD is on the 12 that is a Sat this year & I understand you being upset. It is a perfect day to have your childs party.

Your MIL pulled a power move. I'm sure your father would not feel as wierd at your house for a party for your daughter even if your inlaws were there.

Do you think they did this to keep him away?

You could tell your MIL DD is inviting her whole 1st grade class. You have a moon bounce & a slip & slide coming

 

[irishprincess]

OP since your DD is on the 12 that is a Sat this year & I understand you being upset. It is a perfect day to have your childs party.

Your MIL pulled a power move. I'm sure your father would not feel as wierd at your house for a party for your daughter even if your inlaws were there.

Do you think they did this to keep him away?

You could tell your MIL DD is inviting her whole 1st grade class. You have a moon bounce & a slip & slide coming

Ooooh I love the moon bounce and slip and slide!! hehehe. Yeah I am just pretty much upset that she did this on purpose, she loves to create this type of thing and then say "oh poor me all I was trying to do is have a nice picnic and party for-----" Loves to play the victim. My sister was pretty mad and it takes a lot to get her upset. She is married to bil. Yes you heard right. (we are normal). Just small town lol. anyway my sister knows also that mil did this MONTHS ahead of time just so we wouldn't make any other plans.

 

[Nancyg56]

This would be a no go for me. I would tell MIL that is the day you are planning your DD's birthday and while you would love it if she attends you will understand if she chooses to go ahead with her own July party. I am MIL bit I am also a DIL and I would be irritated with this little move. If I tried to pull this with my own DDIL my DS would have a word with me, although I would never spoil a special day for them.

Before I married my MIL tried the same thing with me. She wanted to have her DD's wedding shower on Mother's Day, which was my own DD's First Communion. I explained that that was not going to work for me, finally told he that she should make her plans, mine would be to celebrate my DD's Day. She was less than happy although she acquiesced, (I would not contribute to a shower that I could not attend). Well she scheduled a Mass for her Father that morning and thought that her son would attend adn cancel plans for my DD. Last time she tried that.

 

[unbroken chain]

"Thanks for inviting us, but I'm sorry we won't be able to make it since that's DD's birthday." Really, that's the only way to deal with people like this. Only problem with this approach is your DH needs to be on board.

P.S. My MIL was manipulative like this, self-centered, etc. and I found out she probably has a personality disorder. Hopefully yours is not so extreme but see if this sounds familiar:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml

and forum
http://www.bpdfamily.org/index.php?board=7.0

 

[MAKmom]

OP your DH does realize this is a power play his mother made...right? Why is he thinking you should go to her party?

 

[ajk912]

I would just tell MIL that you have plans that day. If it's a bunch of adults, your daughter probably wouldn't have a lot of fun anyway and I would feel bad doing that to my daughter on HER birthday.

It sounds like they are local from the post- if DH gets all hung up on it tell him he can go over MILs while you are setting up for dd's party- but I would tell him to please come home for dd's party.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

who in the world plans a 4th of July party in February?

 

[unbroken chain]

who in the world plans a 4th of July party in February?

Unless this person routinely plans minor holiday parties 6 months in advance, it's someone who is either manipulative, or who can't stand having someone else, even a child, be the center of attention, or both.

 

[irishprincess]

who in the world plans a 4th of July party in February?

I know seriously. I said to my sister how far ahead of the game do I have to be now? She always has things set that far ahead so no one can try to make other plans. She has major issues about control, usually try to ignore this so we have peace and harmony, but this is one too many times.
Thank you so much for all your input, it makes me feel alot better about just scheduling cake for family and saying stop by, and we will stop by yours.

 

[irishprincess]

OP your DH does realize this is a power play his mother made...right? Why is he thinking you should go to her party?

I can't figure it out. She always plays the poor me part and it works on him. I tried explaining that I just don't want hurt feelings from any side and just want to have cake darn it

 

[Mkrop]

My goodness people it is just a date. I dont think any of my bdays were ever celebrated on the actual date.

Also one eyar DS5 's bday was on a Sat and this was the only day the family could get together for the family gift exchange, I didnt think anyone was being manipulative. We just had his party on another date, no big deal. In fact we had a small little cake for him that my aunt so kindly arranged afer we open gifts.

 

[TaraPA]

You could tell your MIL DD is inviting her whole 1st grade class. You have a moon bounce & a slip & slide coming

Ask her what time the ponies should come too, and does she have a spot in the yard where their droppings won't interfere with her 4th of July party?

A bunch of ponies in the July heat would be sweeeeeet....

 

[diznygirl]

Your MIL is whackadoodle. Been there, done that. I would say: That's nice - dd's party will be here at our house with her friends and whatever family wants to show.

I would probably throw in a good old-fashioned, "How do you know what you will be doing in July? You're old, you could die." just for good measure. Or maybe I just would be thinking that.

Oh, and your DH has to toe the line or none of this works.