sooo mad right now

[ajk912]

It's just a power struggle and she wants to be more important than your daughter.
I wouldn't play the game. I would just tell her you aren't going. That'll annoy the heck out of her!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Your MIL is a controlling...um, well, they fly on brooms...

There is no way in HELL-o we'd be going to that 4th of July party, but the difference is that my dh would back me up 200%.

Good luck to you!

 

[OceanAnnie]

As I was reading this thread, I was thinking, "Where is Wishing on a Star?". She should be here. Glad to see you are on this thread.

This thing is wrong on so many levels. You don't need your DD's party to be a two for one thing. It's special. A July 4th party on the 12th doesn't make sense. She might as well have it on June 4th or July 5th. There's a lot of dates she could pick. You want to plan your DD's party and invite who you and she wants to attend.

You don't want a July 12th party to set a precedent. That would surely be an invitation for her to plan any other birthday parties if this little plot works. Imagine how much fun that would be!

 

[unbroken chain]

She is either deliberately manipulative or has a strong need to be the center of attention, but either way, it would seem this has to show up in other areas, too, right? Is it just a b-day issue, or do you see this behavior all over the place manifesting in other ways? If so, the posters above are absolutely correct - your DH needs to be on board with setting boundaries as far as MIL. You can't change her, you can only change how you react, by setting boundaries and sticking to them, gently, politely, and firmly.

My ex-MIL also insisted on having DS's b-day party at her house and it escalated from there. I learned to say, "No, I'm sorry, that won't work for us, but we can do x instead." Set boundaries politely, but firmly and nip this in the bud now, or she may get pushier and pushier. If MIL gets upset, that's her problem, not yours. But if DH isn't on board, that IS your problem, and that needs attention, IMO.

 

[famofsix]

I would just say thanks for telling me in advance about your bbq but I was going to mention to you closer to DD birthday that we are having her party here with her friends that day and you are welcome to come. Then mention that you would be willing to pop in at her bbq after her party if you are able.

I would be matter of fact about the whole thing. And I would play dumb on her manipulation.

ie That's too bad that your party conflicts with DD birthday...I'm sure you realize DD wants to have her friends over here...oh you can't reschedule...wow that's really too bad, we will miss you here....what you are angry you won't be able to see DD at her party???? I thought you knew how welcome you are to come here on the 12th.

We had family members who would always spoil everything like having cake and ice-cream the day before the planned family party or invite them over to do holiday things the day before I did so that when we did it as a family it was boring for the kids. Now I have to ask certian family members what they are doing. It stinks to go find a Christmas tree the day before you go with your own family or color a zillion easter eggs.

 

[irishprincess]

Again thank you to everyone who is giving me great tips and info. dh was going to mil this afternoon and I said "remember don't want an issue with this" he finally said not even bringing it up, i agree" so i think he got over being upset at first and thought it over, especially since I said don't want to fight over this.
yeah it is just a date but it is also the date my dd was born, big deal to me and my family, I don't need a "party" on this date, but want the people closest to her to celebrate with cake on this date. Kids parties and whatever can come at another date no big deal.
mil has just tried to make it her day to have my dd party too many times in too many ways.
I just feel better that my husband is on board now, geez who would have thought we would be discussing july in feb? I used to not have to worry about this till april at least!

 

[chris1gill]

If it were me, and my child's birthday fell on a weekend, I would have my child's birthday on the actual day.

What time is this picnic? Perhaps you could have a party from 11am-1pm or 4pm -6pm, it's up to her if she cannot come, but at least you could have your party then go to her picnic, or, go to her picnic, then have your party?

I think she should change her dates personally, but if she won't, this is what I would insist on...

 

[PeterPansMum]

I completely understand the not wanting to have to plan MONTHS in advance, however my DH NEEDS to request off his vacation time in November or he won't get ANY weekends off all summer.. Our kids have summer birthdays, it gets very confusing... I think I'd get a calendar in Sept this year (that's when they come out for next year right?) and circle the days you want to attempt to celebrate birthdays/have parties for the kids. Then for Christmas you can just give your DEAR MIL a list of party dates- then you get to be the super obsessive, totally organized, planning crazy person And she can't do anything about it.

Can you tell I have a problem with MY IL's? Just to vent a little: MIL has LOTS of Ginny dolls, makes clothes for them blah, blah, blah... We need to hear about this everytime we see her... DD has dolls, has had dolls since she was 1 year old... Does wonderful MIL make clothes for her? Talk to her about dolls? Noooooo, then the conversation would be about something OTHER THAN MIL!!! Okay, I feel better.. Thanks!

 

[Nancyg56]

I

Can you tell I have a problem with MY IL's? Just to vent a little: MIL has LOTS of Ginny dolls, makes clothes for them blah, blah, blah... We need to hear about this everytime we see her... DD has dolls, has had dolls since she was 1 year old... Does wonderful MIL make clothes for her? Talk to her about dolls? Noooooo, then the conversation would be about something OTHER THAN MIL!!! Okay, I feel better.. Thanks!

Your MIL sews and will not make clothes for her own DGD????????? Does not share her dolls with her DGD?????????????? And does not get DGD to talk about her own dolls???????????? This is going to be one lonely woman with only dolls to keep her company later on I am so sorry

 

[Jeafl]

I just think it's funny that she is having a 4th of July party on July 12th. Seems kind of off to me. If she wants it on a Saturday, why not July 5th? That's a Saturday. It makes more sense to have a 4th of July party on July 4 or 5th than JULY 12th. And you can't play the work schedule game 5 months in advance..not many people know NOW that they have to work that weekend. Is she really THAT busy July 4th and 5th that she can't have her party then?

This was my first thought too. Most people have July 4th off anyway, so why doesn't she have it then? I think the real reason for her wanting it on the 12th is so that she can show YOUR family who comes first. She wants them to think you chose her over them.

Personally, I can't imagine a large party of adults, possibly most of them strangers, would be a whole lot of fun for a 6-year old. I would do what's best for her.

 

[mumom95]

What I don't get is if she had to move the 4th of July party away from the forth, due to work and other stuff, how com your dd's birthday didn't fall into other stuff. Heck if she isn't going to have the party of the 4th or 5th, why not have it on the 19th, so your dd can have her birthday on the her actual day.

I say have your dd's birthday party when you want. It's one 4th of July party you will miss, your MIL can get over it. And if she isn't willing to get over it, I have a feeling she set this whole thing up to purposefully be difficult.