Social Event Conflict...WWYD?

[Mickey's Minion]

Go to the boss's party with your DH. Office politics are very important. And, your DH's boss scheduled her party first. Had your DH been more on the ball, you would have accepted her invitation. Your friends will appreciate your motivation for rescheduling your own party.

This.

While I agree that your party 'should' be the correct one, office politics trumps friends.

Especially in this global economy. You may say he has a secure position, but I know many in this country who also thought the same with their government positions.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, it was within a matter of a few hours after your invite that you found out about the conflict of schedule... It isn't like your asked your friends a week ago and they have made special arrangements.

Sure, your husband has shown classic qualities of being, what I call, 'a male of the species'... But, seriously, it sounds like you jumped the gun, and you, too, have known about this annual work event coming up. I think you might want to look at your underlying motivations... as you stated that you 'do not enjoy this event'. It simply has nothing at al to do with whether you might enjoy it.

Unless it has been more than a couple days since you invited your friends, and unless they have made special arrangments, you and your family should go to your husband's bosses event.

Like other's have said,
Office politics can be very important.
And, this WAS planned first (you could have checked, and face it, unless you sit down, face to face, make eye-contact and ensure that you have effectively communicated with your DH, for most men, calling out "hey, any plans" just while in passing just might not do it.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'd go to the boss's party and reschedule my friend's for either later that night for cocktails and dessert or move it to Sunday.

 

[disneybound2010]

I'm in the minority. I say continue with your plans and send your regrest to the boss. My father company used to have a huge party every year and there were times we would go as a family and other times we just couldn't make it for one obligation or another. It never hurt his standing in the company. The boss knew there was more to the person than whether or not they showed up for a cookout.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'm in the minority. I say continue with your plans and send your regrest to the boss. My father company used to have a huge party every year and there were times we would go as a family and other times we just couldn't make it for one obligation or another. It never hurt his standing in the company. The boss knew there was more to the person than whether or not they showed up for a cookout.

I'd say that was fine except it sounds like her dh wants to go to the boss's party.

 

[FayeW]

I'll go 'Dr Phil' on you and ask...

Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

If you want to be RIGHT, well, you're right then. Stick with your 'too bad, so sad' response to dh.

If you want to be HAPPY, then realize that you take some ownership in this. You KNEW this work party was coming up, likely you know that your dh isn't on the ball with the scheduling of things (I know my dh isn't!) and so you could have chosen to ask specifically the date of the work party and gotten a clear answer before moving on to invite people over. Since it's only been a couple of days since you invited friends, it's not a big deal to change the date. You'll be a hero to your dh, he'll appreciate not having to miss the work party. You go, suck it up. Be a good wife. The end result is a happier marriage.

Well, I guess this post really gets to the nuts and bolts of the issue. If I am forced to attend his work party, yet again, and have to cancel on our friends to do it, I will NOT be happy. I will be very unhappy. With everybody's busy schedules we are often only able to get the three families together once a year, and twice if we are lucky. My husband will not appreciate my efforts to accommodate him; he simply expects that I will. Just like he expects that I will accompany him to this party every year without ever bothering to ask me if I want to go, or as in this case, even telling me the date. It roasts my chestnuts that for him, me changing my plans, that he agreed to, should be "no big deal", but him changing his plans will apparently take an Act of Parliament.

Yeah, I knew about the party. I also had a pretty good idea that it was probably going to be on the Saturday in question, but I wasn't sure. That's why I asked. He rarely misses or reschedules anything that conflicts with something else that is going on in the family. Over the years we have missed out on doing certain things because he had a conflict (oh, sorry, we can't leave on Friday to go camping because I have a soccer game Friday night, etc). I am just tired of him not paying attention to what I am saying. If he was paying attention and did what I asked he would have seen the date of the Saturday and KNEW it was his party (he said "I knew it was the 10th, I just didn't know it was next Saturday). I am tired of him making mistakes or forgetting about things and just simply expecting me to fix them. I am tired of being taken for granted and I don't want to fix this and make it easy for him. This time I don't want to cancel something I want to do, so I can do something I don't want to do!

Yes, I know, I have a marriage issue.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I know, I have a marriage issue.

It sounds like more of a immature, whiny, "ALL about ME!!!" issue.

 

[luvmy3]

Given the fact that you knew the boss' party would be in the first few weeks of July, and were pretty sure it would be that weekend, it would have made sense to insist your dh confirm when the boss' party was before scheduling your one of you own. I'm sorry, I can't say I think you are right in this situation.

 

[FayeW]

It sounds like more of a immature, whiny, "ALL about ME!!!" issue.

Yes, my husband does have an "all about me" mentality. After 20 years, it's quite tiresome. That's why this time I have adopted the attitude of "you made plans to be in two places at once, you figure it out...I'll be here with our friends when you get home".

 

[FayeW]

Given the fact that you knew the boss' party would be in the first few weeks of July, and were pretty sure it would be that weekend, it would have made sense to insist your dh confirm when the boss' party was before scheduling your one of you own. I'm sorry, I can't say I think you are right in this situation.

But at 44 years old, why should his wife have to hold his hand to make sure he does what she asked, which was to check his schedule?

 

[dislaney]

It sounds like you have an issue with your husband then! Believe me I know how that is.

I still would try and reschedule the friends and go to the office party with my husband but you can do whatever makes you happy.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Yes, my husband does have an "all about me" mentality. After 20 years, it's quite tiresome. That's why this time I have adopted the attitude of "you made plans to be in two places at once, you figure it out...I'll be here with our friends when you get home".

Didn't you make plans for the 2nd place? He didn't make those plans.

 

[DeniseinNS]

Since he did not tell you the date of the party in advance when he knew and then said there was nothing going on that night after you checked with him I would keep the plans that you made with your friends. You don't enjoy this yearly party so I don't see a problem with telling the boss, sorry we cannot make it as we have another engagement that night. If your husband wants to go for part of the boss's party then let him go alone while you spend time with people that you actually want to spend time with.

 

[FayeW]

Didn't you make plans for the 2nd place? He didn't make those plans.

While he didn't personally pick up the phone and invite them, he agreed to inviting our friends over for that particular day, so yeah, he made the plans as much as I did.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I like your compromise. Have DH go and you stay home with your friends. You'll both be happier.

DH and I use Outlook for stuff like this -- we send each other calendar appointments, and the instant we get something that affects the other's calendar, we forward it.

PS. I especially like the "Assign task" function.....

 

[JulielovesDisney]

I go with the compromise. It seems like your husband has a good rapport with his boss. If he approaches his boss upon arrival to the party and explains the situation, that there was a miscommunication and a party with friends was scheduled on the same day as the work party, and he has to skip out early, it shouldn't ruin anything.

Talk to your husband and see if he feels comfortable with this. He knows what his relationship with his boss is like the best. If he's ok with the compromise, go with that plan. If he is wary about it, then postpone the friend get together to another day.

 

[FayeW]

Since he did not tell you the date of the party in advance when he knew and then said there was nothing going on that night after you checked with him I would keep the plans that you made with your friends. You don't enjoy this yearly party so I don't see a problem with telling the boss, sorry we cannot make it as we have another engagement that night. If your husband wants to go for part of the boss's party then let him go alone while you spend time with people that you actually want to spend time with.

Thank you, Denise. That is exactly the way I see it. Clearly we Nova Scotians think alike!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Well, I guess this post really gets to the nuts and bolts of the issue. If I am forced to attend his work party, yet again, and have to cancel on our friends to do it, I will NOT be happy. I will be very unhappy. With everybody's busy schedules we are often only able to get the three families together once a year, and twice if we are lucky. My husband will not appreciate my efforts to accommodate him; he simply expects that I will. Just like he expects that I will accompany him to this party every year without ever bothering to ask me if I want to go, or as in this case, even telling me the date. It roasts my chestnuts that for him, me changing my plans, that he agreed to, should be "no big deal", but him changing his plans will apparently take an Act of Parliament.

Yeah, I knew about the party. I also had a pretty good idea that it was probably going to be on the Saturday in question, but I wasn't sure. That's why I asked. He rarely misses or reschedules anything that conflicts with something else that is going on in the family. Over the years we have missed out on doing certain things because he had a conflict (oh, sorry, we can't leave on Friday to go camping because I have a soccer game Friday night, etc). I am just tired of him not paying attention to what I am saying. If he was paying attention and did what I asked he would have seen the date of the Saturday and KNEW it was his party (he said "I knew it was the 10th, I just didn't know it was next Saturday). I am tired of him making mistakes or forgetting about things and just simply expecting me to fix them. I am tired of being taken for granted and I don't want to fix this and make it easy for him. This time I don't want to cancel something I want to do, so I can do something I don't want to do!

Yes, I know, I have a marriage issue.

I take back my previous statement that your party is the "right" one.

You scheduled this barbecue, full well knowing the boss's party was probably the same day.

In what seems to be an extremely passive aggressive move, you did not push just a little harder to get the correct date, although you knew it was one of two weekends. You knew, but you did not ask for the correct date because you did not really want that information.

Sorry, you DO NOT get to whine now about how your party should take precedence. You cannot use this barbecue to try to force your husband to choose between the party and you. You set him up to be the bad guy. You knowingly created a conflict and are now trying to blame your husband for not being able to go to the party

I do want to ask though, since you are absolutely not going to change your plans, husband be damned, why did you post a WWYD thread?

 

[luvmy3]

But at 44 years old, why should his wife have to hold his hand to make sure he does what she asked, which was to check his schedule?

You shouldn't have to, however if you know how your dh is why wouldn't you? You admitted that you were pretty sure that the party was for the same weekend, and you still made you own plans, that to me sounds like you did it more out of spite. I'm not criticizing, just being honest and the truth is my dh is the same way, and I have to make sure he tells me the dates of things that he has scheduled before I make plans for us, or else I don't find them out. I do have to make sure he confirms it before I do anything on my own. I know I would want to do the same thing if I was in your position, however it wouldn't be because I wanted to do what I wanted to do, it would be because I wanted to teach him a lesson in a way. So, I'm just putting myself in your position, and deep down inside I wouldn't feel I was the one who was right.

 

[FayeW]

I take back my previous statement that your party is the "right" one.

You scheduled this barbecue, full well knowing the boss's party was probably the same day.

In what seems to be an extremely passive aggressive move, you did not push just a little harder to get the correct date, although you knew it was one of two weekends. You knew, but you did not ask for the correct date because you did not really want that information.

Sorry, you DO NOT get to whine now about how your party should take precedence. You cannot use this barbecue to try to force your husband to choose between the party and you. You set him up to be the bad guy. You knowingly created a conflict and are now trying to blame your husband for not being able to go to the party

I do want to ask though, since you are absolutely not going to change your plans, husband be damned, why did you post a WWYD thread?

I don't want him to choose between the party and I...he can either do both or one or the other, whatever he wants. What I want is for him to not force ME into changing plans that I made for US with his agreement. It is not my fault that he didn't realize July 10th was next Saturday. If he had EVER told me that the BBQ was July 10th, then I would have known and that would have been it. He is absolutely famous for giving me dribs and drabs of information. Getting the full story out of him is like pulling teeth and I am tired of begging him for information.

I asked WWYD because I wanted opinions as to what others would do in this situation. I wanted to know if other people agreed with me or if I was being unreasonable. I can cancel the event we are hosting, I just don't want to, and I don't think I should have to. I have very good reasons for wanting this time with our friends. If he is ridiculous about it then I will, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll be pretty bitter about it, and there won't exactly be scintillating conversation during the one hour drive each way.